Am I unlikeable???

[NY Princess]

Date: 12/25/2009 7:24:52 AM
Author: HVVS
Yes, I think it''s much harder. After a certain age, people pair off and marry. Then once the childrearing starts, nobody has time for anything else but their family obligations. And if you relocate to a place where you don''t have family or a large network of co-workers that get together, it''s even harder to make new friends. As a single childfree adult, it''s almost impossible to be close friends with people who are still doing parenting. Their friends always are fourth or fifth (or lower) on the priority list, after all the kid/spouse/family events, obligations, and crises are handled. I got pretty darned tired of making plans then always having them canceled at the last minute b/c some family stuff took precedence. I dumped all the family people as ''friends,'' re-labeled them as ''acquaintances,'' and I call ''em up whenever I get around to it, which isn''t very often anymore. They signed up for family life. They can go dump on other parents, not me. I know that sounds harsh, but you can''t really make any definite plans with someone who is always doing childrearing. That''s just the way it is. They think whatever the single people do is just trivia, and we who are childfree by choice think family life is a chore and a bore. So, the door swings both ways.

And I think the more urban, urbane, and educated the population in your locale is, the greater likelihood of them having a social life outside of the immediate and extended family. The more small town and rural, the more the social structure excludes ''outsiders'' and constrains people to their immediate families. I can see a huge difference in the people who get degrees, establish careers, then marry in their late 20s to 30s vs. small town high school grads who marry a year or two after high school and start having babies right away. In rural small towns, there is absolutely NO life but the family life.

HVVS, when I read your post I had to laugh because to be completely honest, I felt the same way. My friends had kids and I just didn''t want to be bothered. I used to be one of those people who found kids to be a total annoyance AND if that weren''t bad enough it seemed to me that I always got stuck near kids who had dirty faces, hands, diapers or were screaming their lungs out. I couldn''t get away from the little people.... WELL, fast forward to my late thirties, I have 2.5 (i''m preggers again, just told hubby last night) children and I can''t believe the person I was. Someone here has a signature that says "keep your words sweet you may have to eat them one day..." well that''s me for sure!!!!

My family LOVES, and I really mean LOVES to remind me and laugh at me about what I use to say about kids and people who chose to have them. I pretty much have to sit back, smile and eat crow! I''m a good natured person and I know I totally deserve it so I laugh with them.

I love my kids and enjoy spending time with my friends and family. I will say though that because I know how some childless people feel, I usually only plan "girltime" with my childless friends when I know that hubby can take the kids and I can be child-free for 2 hours or so.

 

[gardengloves]

Well , when you are in the child rearing age, and have young children, young moms tend to band together. You''ll find lots of play group moms in your community- lasting friendships can form, but you are all banded together in the common situation, and having someone for support is very helpful. We used to even go on little trips together, out to dinner on masse, kids on tow, field trips, classes at the Y, afternoon visits to each others homes- it was fun and helps deal with the stress of childrearing. One or two remained good friends, but this was the time when I had to widest circle of friends/acquaintances.

At different stages in life, new friends come from new activities and environments. Swim friends, book club friends, yoga pals, gardening friends, political friends, as you engage interests and get active in community activities, the circle grows. At a certain point, you''ve got a wide body from all the phases of your life, the trick is staying in touch, reaching out.. Now , kids grown, we are blissfully enjoying just the two of us, with friends who''s kids are grown.

 

[Itgirl76]

I think when you are a young adult in High School or College you are stuck with a certain group of people (so you either like them or not)...so it is easier-because it is what is available to you.
As I get older I noticed I also get pickier about what friends I have...I seem to have a friend from every point in my life except gradeschool...

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/25/2009 10:01:24 PM
Author: Itgirl76
I think when you are a young adult in High School or College you are stuck with a certain group of people (so you either like them or not)...so it is easier-because it is what is available to you.

Ditto! Unless I''m spending time with someone I really like and click with, I''d rather just stay home, work on the house or hang out with my husband. (Or even just the cats!

) I don''t have a ton of friends but I really never have-I''d just rather spend time with a select few than with a ton of people I don''t like that much.

It''s funny-even though my twin sister was always very shy as a kid, she always had a lot more friends than I did growing up, and still does. I''ve always just had 1 or 2 good friends and then a group of less good friends I hang out with only in group settings/parties.

 

[trillionaire]

I think it''s easiest to make friends with people in similar life situations or with similar interest to your own. Like singles being friends with singles, couples with couples, married folks with married folks, families with families. I do not agree with HVVS''s concept that family folks don''t make good friends. They are SO happy to get out and hang out when they get the chance, and I am so happy and excited for my friends starting the families that they want so dearly! It''s exciting, and it''s good to have young people in your life! (FI and I are Childfree by choice, FWIW). I think it''s easiest to relate to people in your same situation for new friends, but old friends can transition phases more easily. I had a hard time making friends in grad school because I was in a long distance relationship, and would rather be home talking to FI (then BF), than discussing theory ad nasuem and drinking. I had a lot of casual acquaintances to go out with, but no real ''friends'' aside from my roomie. I''m so happy to be moving to the DC area, because I have a lot of friends and family there already. I think I''m going to be a lot healthier and happier there, so I''m really excited!

meetup.com could be a good place to find people with common interests, and if you don''t have kids, there are groups for childfree adults too. I don''t remember the website, but I think you can start at nokidding.com and work from there.

Good luck! You are NOT alone!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/24/2009 11:35:43 PM
Author:YayTacori
Is it harder to make new friends when you become adults? Of course it easier when you''re in elementary school or even junior high... but it seems harder to find friends now as an adult. Of course I have my own busy schedule and and so do people, but it seems harder to meet people in general? Do others feel this way?

YayTacori, what happened to your original post?

 

[Regular Guy]

Date: 12/26/2009 2:24:43 PM
Author: trillionaire
I think it''s easiest to make friends with people in similar life situations or with similar interest to your own. Like singles being friends with singles, couples with couples, married folks with married folks, families with families. I do not agree with HVVS''s concept that family folks don''t make good friends. They are SO happy to get out and hang out when they get the chance, and I am so happy and excited for my friends starting the families that they want so dearly! It''s exciting, and it''s good to have young people in your life! (FI and I are Childfree by choice, FWIW). I think it''s easiest to relate to people in your same situation for new friends, but old friends can transition phases more easily. I had a hard time making friends in grad school because I was in a long distance relationship, and would rather be home talking to FI (then BF), than discussing theory ad nasuem and drinking. I had a lot of casual acquaintances to go out with, but no real ''friends'' aside from my roomie. I''m so happy to be moving to the DC area, because I have a lot of friends and family there already. I think I''m going to be a lot healthier and happier there, so I''m really excited!

meetup.com could be a good place to find people with common interests, and if you don''t have kids, there are groups for childfree adults too. I don''t remember the website, but I think you can start at nokidding.com and work from there.

Good luck! You are NOT alone!

Trillionairre makes some good suggestions...

Items...

If you might enjoy a religious community, this can be a possible environment for making friends
Once a person becomes a parent, their time can be less their own
Singles groups can be places to meet others, too...if you''re single.

Regards,

 

[Lilac]

Date: 12/26/2009 10:38:37 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 12/24/2009 11:35:43 PM

Author:YayTacori

Is it harder to make new friends when you become adults? Of course it easier when you''re in elementary school or even junior high... but it seems harder to find friends now as an adult. Of course I have my own busy schedule and and so do people, but it seems harder to meet people in general? Do others feel this way?

YayTacori, what happened to your original post?

I was just thinking I was going crazy because I was wondering the same exact thing.

To respond to the current question/topic though... I think it definitely is harder to make friends as adults. I know it used to be easier when I was younger, but now that I''m busy with school, work, marriage, etc it''s much harder to make new friends. My closer friends are from when I was younger - now as I get older I have more acquaintances than people I would call *actual* close friends.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

hahah you saw that? funny... i posted it when i was upset. Then I realized that it was just a couple of people and that everyone else on here is so great

so i decided to edit it before it was too late

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/27/2009 2:31:47 AM
Author: YayTacori
hahah you saw that? funny... i posted it when i was upset. Then I realized that it was just a couple of people and that everyone else on here is so great

so i decided to edit it before it was too late

It would''ve made for a much more interesting thread, IMO.

 

[elrohwen]

Yes. In college, I was surrounded by people with similar interests as well as being all the same age and having the same experience (ie college). I had tons of friends in college.

As an adult, I find it hard to meet anyone I don't work with. I've met some nice people around my age, but how do you ask someone you barely know to hang out with you? Lol. There are some nice girls at my doctor's office (I go every week for allergy shots, so I see them a lot) but I can't exactly ask them to just hang out sometime to see if we want to be friends. It doesn't help that I'm friendly, but more introverted than otherwise - I'm not the type to start up long conversations with anyone, I'm more the type to say hi and "have a good weekend".

All of the friends DH and I have made since we left college have been people we work with. The people I worked with were mostly aquaintances and now that I no longer work there, I don't keep in touch with most of them. However, his work friends have become our core group and are fantastic. We even go on vacations with some and spend holidays with them if we don't have time to go home to our families. We're lucky he works with such great people. I will add that it was extremely helpful that they already had a pretty big group together so we were kind of initiated into a ready made set of friends. We're closer to some than others, but genuinely enjoy everybody, especially parties and things where everybody gets together. They're very quick to add in new people and most are childfree by choice, so that helps the group stay together as well.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Date: 12/27/2009 2:51:11 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 12/27/2009 2:31:47 AM

Author: YayTacori

hahah you saw that? funny... i posted it when i was upset. Then I realized that it was just a couple of people and that everyone else on here is so great

so i decided to edit it before it was too late

It would've made for a much more interesting thread, IMO.

haha maybe.. but it might have made a lot of drama

Maybe i should start it up again