Am I unlikeable???

[Deactivated member 42515]

Is it harder to make new friends when you become adults? Of course it easier when you're in elementary school or even junior high... but it seems harder to find friends now as an adult. Of course I have my own busy schedule and and so do people, but it seems harder to meet people in general? Do others feel this way?

 

[Sizzle]

I don''t really have friends to be 100% honest. Lots of acquaintances, but no real friends. It makes me sad sometimes. It would be nice to have some people I like enough to share my secrets with. It is very difficult to meet new people, at this stage in life (30''s) people already have their friend groups set. I was a single mother quite young so my college experiences didn''t reflect the typical "live in the dorm, meet everyone". THen when I graduated and started working, all the young people went out, and I couldn''t... just kind of went on from there.I went to grad school and EVERYONE was married and I was the single girl. I''m back in school for a second masters and now I''m married, but most of us in this program are employed full time, married with kids so not alot of time to mingle outside of class... ok wow.. I think I just wrote a novel, I''ll shut up now, this is not therapy....

 

[marcy]

I think it is harder to make friends after you get out of school. I have casual friends from work but once you move on or they move on you rarely stay in touch. Many of DH''s friends have the wives or girl friends with whom I have nothing in common and are often a bit of the high maintenance type so I never seem to get along with them. I do have one or two friends from school I keep in touch with but none of them live in town.

 

[JulieN]

You just have to try harder to hang out, and you'll go through a lot of people before a few "stick" and become friends.

It's easier when one of those people who are dedicated to making new friends finds you first.

 

[zhuzhu]

I know many people and like most of them. However I have somewhat stricter definition of "friendship" than most. I will only call few of them my true friends. It is true that once you reach the 30th, people are more set in their ways and are typically more family-focused than socially-focused, therefore it is harder to make new friends in this circle.

I am sure you are a very likeable person, don''t let this slight change of social environment bother you.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yeah, I think it''s normal that adults don''t make friends as easily. Kids are light hearted and free and as we grow older, we have more baggage and I think, generally, people expect too much from each other, dump on each other. . . Less often can people be friends just to hang out, but rather ask favors from others, be clingy and needy (rather than be casual, cool friends, etc). . .and maybe it''s just me, but as an adult, I don''t have the patience for it. Luckily, I''ve met some nice women over the years as I''ve been in my 30s who''ve become good friends.

 

[LilyKat]

It is definitely more difficult, I agree. I find I have to take more of an initiative in moving things from "acquaintance" level to "friend" level, by spending time getting to know people I meet who I get on well with, and making plans for doing things together. In school, it just happened.

Trust me, it''s not anything about you!

 

[Imdanny]

Date: 12/24/2009 11:35:43 PM
Author:YayTacori
Is it harder to make new friends when you become adults? Of course it easier when you''re in elementary school or even junior high... but it seems harder to find friends now as an adult. Of course I have my own busy schedule and and so do people, but it seems harder to meet people in general? Do others feel this way?

It''s almost impossible to make friends in the adult world as opposed to high school and college (which can be like a big sleep over). No, you''re definitely not the only one who has noticed this. I feel this way and I''ve heard from many people who feel the same way.

Adults have their guard up as opposed to "kids." It''s a different world.

 

[bee*]

I find the same although I have met lots of new people when I took up some classes and some of them have turned out to be quite good friends so it''s not impossible. Definitely harder though.

 

[HVVS]

Yes, I think it's much harder. After a certain age, people pair off and marry. Then once the childrearing starts, nobody has time for anything else but their family obligations. And if you relocate to a place where you don't have family or a large network of co-workers that get together, it's even harder to make new friends. As a single childfree adult, it's almost impossible to be close friends with people who are still doing parenting. Their friends always are fourth or fifth (or lower) on the priority list, after all the kid/spouse/family events, obligations, and crises are handled. I got pretty darned tired of making plans then always having them canceled at the last minute b/c some family stuff took precedence. I dumped all the family people as "friends," re-labeled them as "acquaintances," and I call 'em up whenever I get around to it, which isn't very often anymore. They signed up for family life. They can go dump on other parents, not me. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't really make any definite plans with someone who is always doing childrearing. That's just the way it is. They think whatever the single people do is just trivia, and we who are childfree by choice think family life is a chore and a bore. So, the door swings both ways.

And I think the more urban, urbane, and educated the population in your locale is, the greater likelihood of them having a social life outside of the immediate and extended family. The more small town and rural, the more the social structure excludes "outsiders" and constrains people to their immediate families. I can see a huge difference in the people who get degrees, establish careers, then marry in their late 20s to 30s vs. small town high school grads who marry a year or two after high school and start having babies right away. In rural small towns, there is absolutely NO life but the family life.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

All of my very close friends are lifers...we''ve been together for years and years...dating back to when it was so much easier to make friends.

Now, I think we are in the exact position to meet new people like we were before. In years past, we took classes, or went to social gatherings that promoted closeness...now we go to work where, in most cases, relationships with coworkers are frowned upon. And, lets face it, you''re there to get paid not make your new best friend. It''s much harder as an adult.

 

[Sabine]

I think unless you have special circumstances like we do (we are Navy) it can be very difficult. The easiest people to make friends with are people who have similar life circumstances (type of job, married/single, kids/no kids) etc. Is there a reason why you are looking to make new friends at this stage of life? (relocating, recently divorced, etc.?) If so, is there any way to find other people who are going through the same things?

Being Navy, when we relocate there are lots of other families going through the same thing, so we''re all sorta looking to make fast friends because that makes a new place so much easier. And each time, after the initial orientation stuff, we all sorta segregate into different groups. For instance, there were 4 of us who were all pregnant and due within a month of each other and we just banned together (even though one of the girls has a 2 year old as well), whereas moms with older kids all banned together as well. Of those 3, I''ll admit that one of the girls is not the type of person I would normally be drawn to, but we both understand the need to feel accepted, to socialize, to have support, and she is not one of my best friends!

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with what Zhuzhu said about how people are more family-focused rather than socially-focused (as they should be). If you don't have kids of your own, that's a whole area of life that you can't relate to (many of my friends met people through mommies groups and through their children's friends). I definitely think it can be harder to make friends when you're older. I'm sorry you're having a tough time with this.

 

[zoebartlett]

HVVS -- that sounds really harsh to dump all your friends just because they have families of their own. All of my friends from school and work back home have kids, and I love them and their children. I can''t imagine dumping them and calling them acquaintances now because they have families. Priorities do change, but they should. I think it would be strange for a friend to always choose going out to bars, clubs (or whatever) instead of spending time at home with their husbands and kids.

 

[April20]

I''ve moved to two different, large cities as an adult where I really didn''t know anyone. It''s hard to make friends "cold" as I call it. You almost have to share a common interest to really meet people that will make good friends for you. I did okay on the first move. I made friends, but didn''t have nearly as many as I was used to. The second time I moved, I did know a couple of people already, which opened more doors. I met DH thru them. He knew a lot of people and I now have a much larger circle of friends than I did even in HS or college. Our friends are a huge mix of single and married people. We have a lot of fun- we get together as a large group on a regular basis and I wouldn''t change a thing.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think it is more difficult to make friends as an adult until you have kids. Then there is a common bond and let me tell you the mommy bond is powerful! Then I am guessing once the kids are off and grown it becomes difficult again.

 

[steph72276]

Date: 12/25/2009 11:01:28 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I think it is more difficult to make friends as an adult until you have kids. Then there is a common bond and let me tell you the mommy bond is powerful! Then I am guessing once the kids are off and grown it becomes difficult again.

Ditto! I was going to write the same thing. There''s something about having a child with you that makes it so easy to start conversations with other people with children. I meet people almost every time I go to the park with him...a few have actually become friends that way.

 

[steph72276]

Date: 12/25/2009 7:24:52 AM
Author: HVVS
Yes, I think it''s much harder. After a certain age, people pair off and marry. Then once the childrearing starts, nobody has time for anything else but their family obligations. And if you relocate to a place where you don''t have family or a large network of co-workers that get together, it''s even harder to make new friends. As a single childfree adult, it''s almost impossible to be close friends with people who are still doing parenting. Their friends always are fourth or fifth (or lower) on the priority list, after all the kid/spouse/family events, obligations, and crises are handled. I got pretty darned tired of making plans then always having them canceled at the last minute b/c some family stuff took precedence. I dumped all the family people as ''friends,'' re-labeled them as ''acquaintances,'' and I call ''em up whenever I get around to it, which isn''t very often anymore. They signed up for family life. They can go dump on other parents, not me. I know that sounds harsh, but you can''t really make any definite plans with someone who is always doing childrearing. That''s just the way it is. They think whatever the single people do is just trivia, and we who are childfree by choice think family life is a chore and a bore. So, the door swings both ways.


And I think the more urban, urbane, and educated the population in your locale is, the greater likelihood of them having a social life outside of the immediate and extended family. The more small town and rural, the more the social structure excludes ''outsiders'' and constrains people to their immediate families. I can see a huge difference in the people who get degrees, establish careers, then marry in their late 20s to 30s vs. small town high school grads who marry a year or two after high school and start having babies right away. In rural small towns, there is absolutely NO life but the family life.

These people must not have really been your friends to begin with if you just write them off for getting married and having a family....did you really expect to be their number 1 priority still? Sounds a little unreasonable to me.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 12/25/2009 7:24:52 AM
Author: HVVS
Yes, I think it''s much harder. After a certain age, people pair off and marry. Then once the childrearing starts, nobody has time for anything else but their family obligations. And if you relocate to a place where you don''t have family or a large network of co-workers that get together, it''s even harder to make new friends. As a single childfree adult, it''s almost impossible to be close friends with people who are still doing parenting. Their friends always are fourth or fifth (or lower) on the priority list, after all the kid/spouse/family events, obligations, and crises are handled. I got pretty darned tired of making plans then always having them canceled at the last minute b/c some family stuff took precedence. I dumped all the family people as ''friends,'' re-labeled them as ''acquaintances,'' and I call ''em up whenever I get around to it, which isn''t very often anymore. They signed up for family life. They can go dump on other parents, not me. I know that sounds harsh, but you can''t really make any definite plans with someone who is always doing childrearing. That''s just the way it is. They think whatever the single people do is just trivia, and we who are childfree by choice think family life is a chore and a bore. So, the door swings both ways.


And I think the more urban, urbane, and educated the population in your locale is, the greater likelihood of them having a social life outside of the immediate and extended family. The more small town and rural, the more the social structure excludes ''outsiders'' and constrains people to their immediate families. I can see a huge difference in the people who get degrees, establish careers, then marry in their late 20s to 30s vs. small town high school grads who marry a year or two after high school and start having babies right away. In rural small towns, there is absolutely NO life but the family life.

I always wondered what my friends without children really thought... now I know. What a selfish mentality that is

 

[neatfreak]

I'm sorry HVVS but that was pretty uncalled for to be so rude to everyone who has kids. I'm a mom and yes of course priorities change but I STILL go out with my girlfriends. I STILL have friends who don't have kids-quite a few of them. And my good friends are certainly still up there on my priority list. I don't cancel all the time because of family obligations.

Ever consider that maybe these women who dumped you for their kids weren't real friends in the first place? Because Mommy or not I don't think real friends would abandon you. Or maybe it's in YOUR head because you are so against having a family and kids. But there are many people out there who have a family and a social life. They don't have to be mutually exclusive.

I will tell you that I have distanced myself from people who were not **good** friends since I had kids simply because I'd rather spend my limited time with good friends or my family.


To the OP: Yes it gets harder. But I think if you join some clubs or volunteer you can find friends that have similar interests as you. You just need to be more outgoing and persistent and be aware that adult friendships take longer to make than childhood ones.

 

[steph72276]

Date: 12/25/2009 12:00:44 PM
Author: neatfreak
I''m sorry HVVS but that was pretty uncalled for to be so rude to everyone who has kids. I''m a mom and yes of course priorities change but I STILL go out with my girlfriends. I STILL have friends who don''t have kids-quite a few of them. And my good friends are certainly still up there on my priority list. I don''t cancel all the time because of family obligations.


Ever consider that maybe these women who dumped you for their kids weren''t real friends in the first place? Because Mommy or not I don''t think real friends would abandon you. Or maybe it''s in your head because you are so against having a family and kids. But there are many people out there who have a family and a social life. They don''t have to be mutually exclusive.

Exactly!

 

[merrijoy]

Date: 12/25/2009 7:24:52 AM
Author: HVVS
Yes, I think it''s much harder. After a certain age, people pair off and marry. Then once the childrearing starts, nobody has time for anything else but their family obligations. And if you relocate to a place where you don''t have family or a large network of co-workers that get together, it''s even harder to make new friends. As a single childfree adult, it''s almost impossible to be close friends with people who are still doing parenting. Their friends always are fourth or fifth (or lower) on the priority list, after all the kid/spouse/family events, obligations, and crises are handled. I got pretty darned tired of making plans then always having them canceled at the last minute b/c some family stuff took precedence. I dumped all the family people as ''friends,'' re-labeled them as ''acquaintances,'' and I call ''em up whenever I get around to it, which isn''t very often anymore. They signed up for family life. They can go dump on other parents, not me. I know that sounds harsh, but you can''t really make any definite plans with someone who is always doing childrearing. That''s just the way it is. They think whatever the single people do is just trivia, and we who are childfree by choice think family life is a chore and a bore. So, the door swings both ways.


And I think the more urban, urbane, and educated the population in your locale is, the greater likelihood of them having a social life outside of the immediate and extended family. The more small town and rural, the more the social structure excludes ''outsiders'' and constrains people to their immediate families. I can see a huge difference in the people who get degrees, establish careers, then marry in their late 20s to 30s vs. small town high school grads who marry a year or two after high school and start having babies right away. In rural small towns, there is absolutely NO life but the family life.

Aren''t you the same gal who posted about Elin (Tiger''s wife) having a tough time because her children are mixed race? Boy, you sound rather, um, sweet and compassionate.

 

[merrijoy]

..

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 12/25/2009 12:00:44 PM
Author: neatfreak
I''m sorry HVVS but that was pretty uncalled for to be so rude to everyone who has kids. I''m a mom and yes of course priorities change but I STILL go out with my girlfriends. I STILL have friends who don''t have kids-quite a few of them. And my good friends are certainly still up there on my priority list. I don''t cancel all the time because of family obligations.


Ever consider that maybe these women who dumped you for their kids weren''t real friends in the first place? Because Mommy or not I don''t think real friends would abandon you. Or maybe it''s in YOUR head because you are so against having a family and kids. But there are many people out there who have a family and a social life. They don''t have to be mutually exclusive.


I will tell you that I have distanced myself from people who were not **good** friends since I had kids simply because I''d rather spend my limited time with good friends or my family.



To the OP: Yes it gets harder. But I think if you join some clubs or volunteer you can find friends that have similar interests as you. You just need to be more outgoing and persistent and be aware that adult friendships take longer to make than childhood ones.

Excellent points, Neatfreak. Well no wonder I have no friends since I gave birth, I''m now nothing but a vapid, baby-making droid! Silly me for wanting a family with the man I love, how boring and cliche!

Luckily, my good friends still show up at my house with brownies and wine when I need girl time, and I still make the treck out to see my friends when I can get a sitter. But the best times are when my daughter is hanging out with me and her "aunties." That''s true friendship IMHO...

 

[exoticisabella]

Date: 12/25/2009 11:41:04 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 12/25/2009 7:24:52 AM
Author: HVVS
Yes, I think it's much harder. After a certain age, people pair off and marry. Then once the childrearing starts, nobody has time for anything else but their family obligations. And if you relocate to a place where you don't have family or a large network of co-workers that get together, it's even harder to make new friends. As a single childfree adult, it's almost impossible to be close friends with people who are still doing parenting. Their friends always are fourth or fifth (or lower) on the priority list, after all the kid/spouse/family events, obligations, and crises are handled. I got pretty darned tired of making plans then always having them canceled at the last minute b/c some family stuff took precedence. I dumped all the family people as 'friends,' re-labeled them as 'acquaintances,' and I call 'em up whenever I get around to it, which isn't very often anymore. They signed up for family life. They can go dump on other parents, not me. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't really make any definite plans with someone who is always doing childrearing. That's just the way it is. They think whatever the single people do is just trivia, and we who are childfree by choice think family life is a chore and a bore. So, the door swings both ways.


And I think the more urban, urbane, and educated the population in your locale is, the greater likelihood of them having a social life outside of the immediate and extended family. The more small town and rural, the more the social structure excludes 'outsiders' and constrains people to their immediate families. I can see a huge difference in the people who get degrees, establish careers, then marry in their late 20s to 30s vs. small town high school grads who marry a year or two after high school and start having babies right away. In rural small towns, there is absolutely NO life but the family life.

I always wondered what my friends without children really thought... now I know. What a selfish mentality that is

Pink Asscher please don't think that! I am childfree by choice and always will be. I know that I grew up way too fast and that I am not willing in my heart to give a child what they need. That doesn't mean that I don't like children, or people with them! I LOVE hanging out with friends who have children. Adults really can lean a lot from a child's beautiful, carefree, live in the moment personality. I just know that it is something that I can't handle on a 24/7/365 basis. Neatfreak, well said

 

[jewelz617]

Oh I know, it was meant more in a sarcastic tone (which is hard to get across in print). My daughter adores my friends and they love her too. Granted, I have fallen out of touch with some, but those were the college friends I bonded with over drunken nights and bonfires

I certainly do NOT think everyone without children feels this way.

 

[soocool]

I still have 8 childhood friends that I have kept in contact with (over 40 years). Of these 8, I am very close to 3 of them and talk/email them at least once a week. Unfortunately, we don''t live close to one another and only get together once in a while. 2 of these close friends don''t have children and fully understand if something comes up and plans have to be changed (they also take care of elderly parents so I understand if they cancel due to family emergencies).

When DD was little we participated in a lot of play groups and then when she began school the moms would always get together with the kids for a lot of school as well as extracurricular activities. So I had a pretty good social life when she was younger. Now she is 17 and the moms I saw all the time when she was younger, I rarely see anymore. I tried calling and making lunch dates or dates for working out, but they weren''t interested.

I eventually went back to work part time and made a 2 very good friends. One of the ladies was in her 70s ( I was in my 40s) and she was a "pip" and loads of fun and someone I could go to for advice or anything. She unfortunately passed away, a couple of years ago. The other works full time plus (over 40 hrs a week) so she doesn''t have any time to get together. The sad thing is that she told me that she has breast cancer and will be starting chemotherapy shortly.

DH and I together do not have any couple friends except for my sister and her DH (who just happens to be my DH''s best friend since college) that we get together on a regular basis (holiday stuff, etc). It would be nice to go out with another couple who doesn''t know you like a book, though. These friends have either moved away due to changing jobs, or divorced and didn''t want to stay in touch with their "couple"friends anymore.

DH and I are thinking about joining a couple''s bridge club or reading club to make new "couple" friends. My sister and her DH took dancing lessons last year before her son''s wedding and made friends there and now twice a month go out dancing as a group (so they don''t forget their dancing skills they say).

If there is something you are interested in like knitting, sewing, quilting, dancing, cards, reading, etc. you can sometimes check with your local library for these kind of activities and sign up and meet lots of people that way. Volunteering is another way to meet people and make good friends.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Of course you aren''t unlikeable! We like you! Hugs.

My closest friends are from high school - we grew up together, it''s a strong bond. You can make adult friends, but they aren''t quite the same.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Interestingly, I''ve actually had the opposite experience of many here. I had a very difficult time making friends as a child, mostly because of a difficult set of family circumstances, and have had a much easier time of it from graduate school onward. I don''t know if this means it is *easy* for me to make friends now, because I don''t have the same point of reference that many with different childhoods probably have, but for me personally, it is *easier.*

And I will say HHVS - even though, at the moment, I have no desire for kids of my own, I know plenty of people who have families and have remained the same charming, interesting, intelligent, and well-rounded people I was friends with before they had kids, and I am as happy to have them in my life post-kids as I was pre-kids. I tend to agree with neatfreak that perhaps these people weren''t very good friends to begin with, or perhaps there is some intolerance there on your side of the fact that things do change after people have kids, but they don''t have to become completely different people or end their lives as they knew them before kids.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I moved on average every 3 years when I was growing up, so I don''t really have friends that reach from my childhood. Many of my friends from high school have drifted apart due to vastly different life paths. College I think was by far the easiest place to make friends just because of how many people there were that were at the same stage of life as me, and there were so many clubs and activities where you could meet people with similar interests.

Now I''m in grad school, and I find it more awkward to make friends with my classmates because they will literally be my future colleagues so I have a hard time really being myself and letting my hair down. I''m also married where as many of them are still kind of in their "Wahoo! Crazy single life!" stage.

Also, I''ve always been "relationship" focused, and I''m perfectly happy to spend most of my time with my hubby. I think some girls are more homebodies than others, which can make it tougher to make friends. Given the choice between attending a class function and cuddling on the couch with my sweetie, it''s a no brainer, you''ll find me in my PJs on the couch.

I don''t really think not having close friends around is a problem unless it makes you unhappy. We all have different social preferences, and I''ve come to realize that I am most comfortable, relaxed, and happy spending most of my time off with my husband as a pair of semi-hermits