Advice on friend situation

[Lilac]

I''m a little hesitant to post this because basically I''m not sure what I''m asking for. Maybe I just need to get it all out somehow.

Throughout high school I was friends with this girl (and I mean BEST friends - inseparable). We even spoke many times throughout senior year about how we were worried about losing touch after high school and we both agreed that we would never do that and she even said multiple times that I was her best friend and she needed me and would never stop being my friend and she hoped I would do the same.

Fast forward to end of senior year. School ends, we graduate. We spend the whole summer together. The last week of summer we spoke on the phone one night about how she was going to come the next morning by train to say goodbye to me because she was going away for 10 months to study in Israel. The conversation was great - neither of us were upset about anything, we were just as close as always. The next morning I try calling her to see what train she''ll be taking because I have to go pick her up. She doesn''t answer. I text. She doesn''t answer. Throughout the rest of the day and the following week I call, text, and email just trying to make sure she''s ok and nothing bad happened. I find out through a friend that she''s fine.

She never called me again. She left to Israel and about 3 months later I finally sent her an email saying that if she didn''t want to be friends anymore it''s fine (at that point I realized she was just a toxic person who used me as a friend when she needed me and then went to Israel and made new friends and couldn''t even give me the courtesy of a last phone call). In the email I explained that all I needed from her was a response - an explanation why this happened. Just so I could totally move on. Again - never heard from her but I know she received and read the email.

That was 3 years ago. Last summer I got an email from her saying she "didn''t know what happened" that summer (2 years before) and she had meant to email me the last 2 years but never got a chance

. She said if I wanted to meet her we could - I email back saying I was going away but I would be back 2 weeks later. She said she would be away then but she would get in touch with me when she got back. Again I never heard from her after that.

Recently the past few weeks I keep having these dreams about her. Especially last night I couldn''t stop dreaming about contacting her, talking to her, even being friends with her again. She treated me so badly and hurt me so deeply I don''t know why I keep having these dreams, but they won''t go away and every morning I wake up with this urge to email her or contact her somehow. I don''t know if it''s just that I miss her or that I hate disliking someone I used to be so close with or maybe I think she''s changed. I don''t know what to do - should I try emailing her? Would that make me feel any better?

If you got to the end of this - thank you. It kind of helps just getting it out (and I talk to my husband about it too, but he was around when everything happened and knows how badly she hurt me and thinks I should just stay away from her). Anyone have any advice - stay away or try and talk to her?

 

[princesss]

I vote stay away. As somebody who has dropped friends this way (just cut off contact) and been cut off this way, it''s easier and less painful to just let it fade. The last thing you want to do is force her into a corner where she feels she has to say what she is thinking, which may be even more painful than her just fading away. She knows why she wasn''t "able" to contact you, and she thinks it''s better left unsaid.

You''re a happily married woman, and I''d let this friendship fade into the past. Better to look forward than to look back.

*bigs hugs* though. It''s never easy.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I wouldn''t bother. The last thing she said to you was that she would get in touch with you - so - the ball is in her court. You''re better off without her in your life. She sounds like the type of person who will do rotten things to you time and time again.

 

[chiapet]

Hi Lilac,
I always feel that friendship-break-ups are always so much worse than boyfriend-break-ups

I had a friend like the one you''re describing and we were friends since 1st grade!!! But after a few years of her not being there for me when I needed her, I eventually sent an "I don''t think we should be friends anymore" e-mail. I was devastated to have to send an e-mail like that but I felt better because I had closure. But I also had dreams about that friend and would wake up in tears because I do miss her as a friend but am not willing to deal with the one-sided friendship anymore.
I think for your situation, you need to decide whether you still want to be friends with her again. Do you think your life will be enhanced with her in it? Can you handle it if she suddenly pulls another "disappearing act" like she did before? It''s not an easy choice so good luck with what you decide to do.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/14/2009 10:13:09 AM
Author: chiapet
Hi Lilac,

I always feel that friendship-break-ups are always so much worse than boyfriend-break-ups

I had a friend like the one you''re describing and we were friends since 1st grade!!! But after a few years of her not being there for me when I needed her, I eventually sent an ''I don''t think we should be friends anymore'' e-mail. I was devastated to have to send an e-mail like that but I felt better because I had closure. But I also had dreams about that friend and would wake up in tears because I do miss her as a friend but am not willing to deal with the one-sided friendship anymore.

I think for your situation, you need to decide whether you still want to be friends with her again. Do you think your life will be enhanced with her in it? Can you handle it if she suddenly pulls another ''disappearing act'' like she did before? It''s not an easy choice so good luck with what you decide to do.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice/thoughts.

It''s an interesting point about whether or not I can handle it if she pulls another disappearing act. For years I thought maybe it was something I did that made her cut me off but in her email last year she told me it had nothing to do with me and I was a great friend to her and she misses what we had together. I also found out over the last year that she did this to 2 of my other friends. She''s also stood up a different friend twice when they agreed to meet somewhere for lunch. So as much as I was worried that it might have been something I did that caused her to cut off contact with me, now I know it wasn''t. I was always there for her (especially that summer - she called me every day crying about something else and I always listened and gave advice when she asked for it and was there for her when she needed anything).

I guess I just feel on some level that if she HAS changed, then maybe I would feel better speaking to her even just one last time just to get some closure. To be able to put it behind me. She just got married, so maybe she''s matured a little now? I don''t know.

 

[Bia]

If you feel like you want to find out how she''s doing--and possibly be friends with her again--then you should email her. A lot of friends lose touch, and I don''t necessarily know that it''s because any one person wants to...but life happens and sometimes contact is lost. I don''t know that this girl should be the friend you lean on for support, as you would your best friend, or sibling (so don''t hold your breath) but maybe there is a reason you''re thinking/dreaming about her...obviously you still care.

I am all for reaching out. I''ve tried before with people from my past. Sometimes it''s worth it, sometimes it''s not. If she wants to be in your life, this time around, she''ll make that clear very quickly. Then, at least you listened to your heart.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Don''t bother with her. It almost sounds like she gets a kick of initiating contact, then dropping you again....she doesn''t deserve a response from you. She''s forfeited her rights to even that, much less any chance of renewing a friendship. You deserve better.

 

[decodelighted]

I''m not sure it has to do with maturing ... it seems like this is just her personality (or, perhaps - personality disorder). She copes with the possibility of loss by the "get them before they get me" technique. Good luck with that in her marriage! I bet there''d be much more heartache if you were to pursue what you think of as a "friendship" with her -- or even contact. But sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do - until you know better.

 

[Squirrly]

i''ve been on both sides of this, i had two best friends before college, on that i had since 4th grade, and one from 7th grade. i figured it was over the the 7th grade one when i went to her 18th b-day party and when we all went to the drive-in i ended up babysitting her baby brother the entire time. after that night i was hurt and started fading away but when we left for college i initially kept in contact, but my classes started a couple weeks before hers so she got upset when she called shortly after her orientation started and i wasn''t in my room all the time anymore, and then she started being the stereotypical wild experimental college kid and that wasn''t me, so when i told her i didn''t want to talk about that stuff anymore she called me dispicable and that was pretty much it. we talk occasionally and i''m friendly but i doubt we''ll ever be that close again.

the 4th grade one and i just went on completely different life paths after high school. she started hanging out with people i didn''t care for and after i could see that those people were doing illegal things i had a break down and called her mom apoligizing that i couldn''t hang out with my friend anymore. the guy she has chosen to be with made numerous comments about wanting to kill her mother, and she has been fired from almost every job she''s had and last i heard is on her last leg with her current job. i barely talk to her or hang out with her anymore.

on the other side, i push people away. a lot. it''s just been something i''ve done since i was little, when people need help i''m there but once everything''s happy again i fade away. it had a lot to do with how depressed i was and i didn''t want people being attached to me. for some odd reason they keep getting attached to me, and by now i''m quite fine with that

if you don''t think you''ll be hurt by her continued unresponsiveness then periodically reach out to her, otherwise try to push it out of your mind until she contacts you again. sorry you have to go through all of this, i agree that friend break-ups suck.

 

[ficklefaye]

hi lilac, i have been in similar situations myself, it sounds like you''ve been doing all the initiating in terms of your relationship, maybe you are just sad to lose a friend you were once so close to, but people do change and she isn''t the same person you were friends with back in high school, one of my friends has totally changed and i feel like i cling to my memory of her instead of accepting her for the way she is now, and i get disappointed each time because of this, it just isn''t worth it sometimes, i have wonderful people in my life, so i try to concentrate on them instead

 

[whitby_2773]

hi lilac

what a lousy, lousy situation. suddenly ''going silent'' is never a way to end a relationship - especially if there has been apparently no issues prior to that. sometimes relationships need to be ended, sure - but normally there''s conversation, indications it''s going wrong, effort on one or both sides to save the friendship and so on. someone who just doesn''t turn up on a train some day is either completely bloodless or has some pretty serious relational problems. people NEED closure, so to deny a person you''ve called a friend that closure is cruel. i''m so sorry she did that to you - i know how this sort of thing can be haunting and can lead to questions that never get resolved.

but lilac, i have to agree with the people who suggested you let it go. i don''t really believe your dreams are generated by anything more than your own psyche. i know there''s (quite a large) group of people who believe their dreams can be indicators of how we should behave, or are there to impart some sort of universal wisdom. i''m not of that group. i think our dreams merely throw up a hodge-podge of the issues going around in our head - past, present or future. grief is a process - sometimes a long one, and it seems as tho this girl has dragged out her goodbye through various phases over numerous years, so it''s not surprising that part of your head is trying to resolve and make peace with the remnants of grief that you may still feel. this is your head dealing with the remaining pieces, bringing up pain which it may have found too soon to deal with before. i don''t believe it''s some sort of astral message that you need to contact your ex-friend. i don''t think the universe is urging you to pick up a phone - i think your head is talking to you and helping you to deal with leftover grief. in fact, the fact that you''re still feeling grief is testament to what a true and loyal friend you are - certainly someone who would have been a wonderful gift in your friend''s life.

few things hurt as much as being dumped by a friend, do they? betrayal can only BE betrayal if trust is first involved, and the breaking of trust fundamentally alters the way we see the world. i''m so sorry that this friend was able to have that level of negative impact.

i''d give her a wide berth at this point and allow yourself to admit that this is a person who is not capable of healthy friendship for whatever reason - immaturity, self centeredness, absence of altruism, poor concept of loyalty, or some other personality or character flaw which prevents her from embracing her responsibilities in relationships.

there is, however, one other possibility which you should keep in mind. your friend may be suffering from some emotional, psychological or psychiatric disorder which she has chosen to keep secret from you or which she may not be aware of herself. there''s a number of psychiatric disorders which start in late adolescence/early adulthood, and the fact that she called you, crying, so often during the last summer vacation during which you were in contact makes me wonder if there were aspects at play here which you simply didn''t know about. there could also be aspects of her life which might make separating from someone she cared for very deeply almost unbearable for her, leading her to bypass a final farewell altogether. frankly, her behavior sounds to me to be barely rational, so my first thought was that she may have some psychological or emotional disturbance. don''t be misled by people telling you ''she''s fine''. as a psychologist i can''t tell you how many times i''ve heard clients tell me that they concealed symptoms, suppressed behaviors or hid emotions - even from those nearest and dearest to them.

however, regardless of the reason (mental illness or just being a poor friend), you''re not the right person to be dealing with this, and i would suggest keeping a distance, accepting that you were a good friend, that this person has issues which are no longer your concern, and moving on with a life filled with people who treat you with fidelity and reliability.

best wishes to you, lilac,

 

[LilyKat]

It''s tough. What was she like as a friend when you were in high school? In retrospect, did she tend to take advantage of you, not keep commitments to you, or was she truly a good friend?

Sometimes people just have a certain personality and don''t change. On the other hand, some people go through a crazy phase and then get back to normal. I can''t tell which category she falls into from your post, but I bet you could if you think about it honestly.

Personally, I agree that the ball is in her court if she said she''d be back in touch. She knows where you are. If she contacts you, by all means be friendly and welcome it, but would I reach out again? Probably not.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/14/2009 2:55:25 PM
Author: LilyKat
It''s tough. What was she like as a friend when you were in high school? In retrospect, did she tend to take advantage of you, not keep commitments to you, or was she truly a good friend?

Sometimes people just have a certain personality and don''t change. On the other hand, some people go through a crazy phase and then get back to normal. I can''t tell which category she falls into from your post, but I bet you could if you think about it honestly.

Personally, I agree that the ball is in her court if she said she''d be back in touch. She knows where you are. If she contacts you, by all means be friendly and welcome it, but would I reach out again? Probably not.

Honestly, looking back on it, there are multiple times I can recall from high school where she did what was best for her and ditched me if she had something else going on. DH says from his perspective it seems like she took advantage of me a lot also, but I guess at the time I was just happy we were so close and I just accepted it. I also seem to let people walk all over me

. I''ve been trying to work on that because I know I need to be more assertive and not allow people to take advantage of me. I guess she was always this way but after high school it just got worse and she eventually moved on to other "friends."

 

[Lilac]

I really want to thank princesss, Madam Bijoux, chiapet, Bia, BEG, decodelighted, Squirrly, ficklefaye, whitby, and LilyKat for all your advice. Now that I''ve heard all your thoughts and I''m several hours removed from the dreams about my ex-friend, the dreams are not as vivid and I realize it''s probably not a good idea to open myself up to that toxic relationship again.

I still wish I had some closure though

But I know it''s probably better not to open myself up the possibility of getting hurt by her again.