Do You Care What People Think Of You?

[Smith1942]

Truly, do you care? It's easy to say you don't, but to feel hurt anyway at some unprovoked criticism.

I find that as I get older (39 now) I find it easier to shrug off little digs/jibes/minor criticism and to truly not care what the speaker thinks. This topic occurred to me after Natylad just wrote in the Random Comments thread about some hurtful remarks her mother had made about her turning 40. Clearly, she can't help turning 40. (I'm talking about bitchy, spiteful, mean-spirited remarks like this which are completely undeserved. I'm not talking about constructive criticism, or about understandably negative reactions when someone has done something that clearly oversteps boundaries.)

For example, we have some incredibly high-falutin' relatives, the kind who sneer at Harry Potter because it's not intellectual. (Silly me, I thought you could read different things for fun and for academic improvement.) Anyway, a decade ago I worried what they thought of me, and now I just think, if they want to think negatively of me for reading Harry Potter, I genuinely don't care.

This is also relevant in marriages and LTRs where spouses or SOs can become needlessly critical of each other. Occasionally I've caught myself thinking something along the lines of "Well, I'd better have that done or this tidied up by the time he gets home" and then I've stopped myself and thought, "If he wants to make some little criticism about the minor thing not done just let him, I really don't care."

Because, especially as a woman, I've found that everyone's got an opinion on everything about you from your life choices to the way you wear your hair, spend your money, your body size, how you run your household and how far before Christmas you buy your presents. I think if you do care what others think, it gets ridiculous because you end up trying to present yourself a certain way, which is exhausting.

Natylad's entry on the Random thread set off this train of thought, and it's really only recently that I've genuinely started to not care what people think of me - even those very close - where the criticisms are unnecessary and petty in nature. Previously they would upset me, however silly, and however obviously they were made out of a moment's spite.

The older I'm getting the more genuinely I don't care what people think. I think I cared a lot more when I was younger. Nowadays, if my husband makes a silly minor criticism, I just say, "Trade me in, baby, trade me in!"

And if he, or anyone else close to me, chooses to dwell on my bad points instead of focusing on what I bring to their lives (my parents can be critical) I don't go round jumping through hoops trying to prove anything to them.

I'm getting older and I just feel that if anyone really wants to think negatively about me then let them do it, I don't care so much, as long as I know it's not true. As I'm getting older, I feel that I answer to myself much more and keep my own counsel more, and as long as I've acted according to my own strict moral code, I don't much care about the petty buzz around me from others, even when it comes from loved ones. (Because loved ones can have their mean days, too - they're human and don't always treat you with perfection.) Anyone else feel that way? Is this what happens as you get older?

Reminds me of a former colleague where I worked who responded to a bully boss by rolling his eyes and saying "Sack me, please!"

What about you? Do YOU care?

 

[yssie]

I would like not to care but I most definitely do. Unfortunately I'm terrible at "reading" people - impressions, intentions, motives... which means I can rarely reconcile my conclusions on others' opinions of me with confidence!

But then again, when I had a meltdown at the end of highschool my mum was bound and determined to ensure no-one outside the immediate family (that is, my parents, and a couple of good friends who could hardly miss it) found out because it would ruin the family honour, so the concept of keeping up appearances obviously runs deep in this family. And shrinks were for nuts and for god's sake they hadn't raised me to be a nut, and why on earth couldn't I just Be Normal Like Everyone Else - or at least act like it? Sometimes even the best intentions go awry.

I think the only people I don't put on some hat for are DH and my best friend. Fortunately at some point I realised that sucking at reading people also means sucking at trying to manipulate them, so at least I *recognise* that since there's nothing I can do to ensure people think of me a certain way I'm being stupid worrying about it, even though I do anyway

 

[lyra]

I don't care what strangers think of me. I do care what my husband thinks of me. I'm 51 and have realized that whatever time I have left should belong to me and my own pursuits in life, as long as it fits in with my husband and grown children. They are pretty forgiving people, so it's not too hard.

 

[CJ2008]

I'd like to say I don't, but I do.

Not in the sense that they stop me from doing what I want, but it affects me with either guilt or overthinking or wondering if they have a point. So those effects are huge. Although to be fair, I tend to be an "analyzer" by nature.

DH's little criticisms (funny, I never thought of the word petty to describe them but that's what they are most of the time) affect me the most. Not to say he isn't at times technically right - but it's exhausting because his standards for cleanliness and perfection are higher than mine. So even though I often say things like "if you don't like how I did it do it yourself" or "I may not have done that but I did x and y" it does affect me at some point with guilt etc and very much like you I sometimes go in tornado mode before he gets home to "fix" the things I know will bug him.

But I'm wishy washy with it - sometimes I think - well I don't work as many hours as he does, I don't have to commute, I have it fairly easy where I have a lot of time to myself so why wouldn't I do those extra things? It's hard to know whether I'm contributing "enough."

And if I think about other situations where I'm in the minority...I will do what I need to do and speak up when I need to speak up - but knowing others don't agree or think one way or another of me will eat me up.

So I'd say yes, what others think of me definitely affects me.

 

[Indylady]

Not that much, but I'm working on it--I actually think I need to care more about what others think. I work in a profession where dress/looks go hand in hand with academic background and prestige--I need to 'look the part' if I want people to trust my work.

In my school life, my looks/others opinions hadn't mattered so much. I worked hard, made decent grades, was fairly successful, had friends that liked me the way I was (and were probably similar to me too in many ways), had a few research jobs rooted in academia, but in terms of my current work, it just doesn't work the same way. My schools basically had a blind-grading policy except for some paper courses, so it didn't really what you looked like; most of the time the teacher didn't even remember who got what grade, and unless you were somewhere on the margin, he/she wouldn't even think back to what you were like in class and I think it didn't matter much what you looked like either. Now, I definitely feel the pressure to 'fit in' in a certain way--which is something I'll have to keep on doing until I'm successful enough not to have to, if that makes sense. Not doing so isn't really an option.

Otherwise, outside of work, do I care what people think of me? I actually just assume most people don't take the time to even think of me--which is probably true--so I don't really care. If someone said something directly mean or hurtful to me, I would probably care, but I don't actively wonder what others are thinking of me.

 

[TC1987]

...

Because, especially as a woman, I've found that everyone's got an opinion on everything about you from your life choices to the way you wear your hair, spend your money, your body size, how you run your household and how far before Christmas you buy your presents. I think if you do care what others think, it gets ridiculous because you end up trying to present yourself a certain way, which is exhausting.

...

That is exactly right! It is exhausting, and some of that is intentional, in order to control. There are very many mechanisms in place in any society, to control and hobble women, limit our behavioral choices, limit our career choices, force conformity, force obedience, force a servile mentality onto women, guilt women into doing volunteer work instead of demanding fair financial compensation for it. The first time it dawned on me was in college, when I took a marketing course. Being an engineering and tech type, I took one look at the various marketing strategies and decided to see just how many ways they are applied to everyday situations.

There aren't nearly as many constraints placed on male behavior, especially once you start looking hard at the Baby Boomer generation from the 1960s on.

I think my marketing prof was correct: Marketing is everywhere. Before making decisions, one needs to ALWAYS stop and consider who is making the pitch, whether or not one needs to "buy" this product, and what the pitchman (or woman) stands to gain vs. what you will gain from the "purchase." So, based on that, I think it's fine and dandy to flip off anyone with whom I disagree. Or to not do things that I don't want to do. Or not try to please other people all of the time. And I also believe that so long as one is willing to accept the consequences of not complying or conforming, one is free to do whatever one pleases.

Why this issue is a real hot button with me now is that I am currently stuck in a rural small town of morons who cling to their old feudal village cultures from rural Europe. Literally. The women here are the most servile mamas and doormats that I have ever encountered, The men are the most loutish wife-beating loudmouth boors I have ever met. And I get nothing but disapproval from these peasants (for that's what they are, rural and still Old World foreign peasant, high school or GED education at best, and some qualify as semi-illerate). The women here were brought up to be kept, too, whether by a husband or by Welfare, so they start having babies at age 19 or 20 or even younger, and they have far too many kids and not enough money for today's cost of living, and they remain stuck in the lower class all of their lives. And motherhood and childrearing and homemaking are all they ever get to do. Every now and then, one of them gets all snotty and jealous with me and decides to give me a talking-to about what a waste my life is because I have no children, no husband, I will die "alone," and how I "want to be a man" instead of a woman. They think it's very low-class of me to go into engineering and manufacturing, and wear work boots and go to work in (gasp!) a factory or a laboratory, and drive a diesel pickup truck. That criticism always makes me whoop with laughter, because there literally is nothing to do in this decaying region except motherhood or outdoorsy tomboy activities. So, wishing to avoid motherhood altogether at this stage of life, I do the outdoorsy activities, only because they are less boring to me than stupid small town mommy life with the dimwits. When I lived in a city and had a nice corporate career in an office, I dressed to the nines in power skirt-suits, Della Street pumps, nice jewelry, and elegant overcoat. I never even wore PANTS!

Gawd, how I hate my dirtbag hometown! hahahahahaha! I dedicate this this to them: http://youtu.be/KJNSWkgPr9g

 

[rosetta]

No. Truly not. Thing is, hardly anyone criticises me. I think because I'm very good at asking people to explain themselves and then they start gibbering. Once they've been disconcerted once, they stop. Then you get a reputation and everyone lays off. Even my parents have given up (not that they care about anything I do except giving them grandkids!).

I've never cared about strangers' or acquaintances' opinion of me. My husband has an issue, he's learned not to bother me by now

I hope I don't give people a genuine reason to dislike me, but the random petty comments? I don't give a monkeys.

 

[Laila619]

No. It's weird, but since having kids, I've gained a lot more confidence and don't care or have time to worry what other people think or say about me. I mean, I want people to think I'm a nice, polite person but if someone doesn't like me, there's nothing I can do about it.

 

[missy]

No I don't. I follow my own moral compass and I do what I think is right and fair and what I want to do. Do I want people to dislike me, of course not but as I get older (48 now) this has much less importance and I have never been a people pleaser anyway. I have no problems saying no to things I don't want to do. I am always (well usually depending on the circumstances) nice and polite about saying no but I say it anyway. Sure it's more fun to have people like me but I know no matter what you do there will always be people who will dislike you. That's just the way it is. My confidence comes from within and when I was younger it wasn't as easy as it is now but I was never one to shy away from conflict if necessary. In other words I treat people the way I want to be treated but no one pushes me around.

 

[marymm]

No I don't. I follow my own moral compass and I do what I think is right and fair and what I want to do. Do I want people to dislike me, of course not but as I get older (48 now) this has much less importance and I have never been a people pleaser anyway. I have no problems saying no to things I don't want to do. I am always (well usually depending on the circumstances) nice and polite about saying no but I say it anyway. Sure it's more fun to have people like me but I know no matter what you do there will always be people who will dislike you. That's just the way it is. My confidence comes from within and when I was younger it wasn't as easy as it is now but I was never one to shy away from conflict if necessary. In other words I treat people the way I want to be treated but no one pushes me around.

Missy's post captured exactly my philosophy (thanks Missy!).

 

[aljdewey]

Honestly, I've never cared - even when I was younger. I figure there's no way to please all people, so I focus my energies on those who do get me and don't really worry about the rest.

 

[OreoRosies86]

It's funny...

On a grand scale, no. I am reasonably self assured about who I am as a person, I feel ok about who I am and what I bring to the party we call life. It's the small stuff that keeps me up until 3am! Sometimes I will lie awake and torture myself over some mundane fumble during the course of my day. As if the barista at Starbucks is at home thinking about that lady who spilled her change all over the counter

 

[monarch64]

Yes. Sure I care what people think! I care that people value my opinions, whether they agree with them or not. I care that they think I'm a good person, or think I'm intelligent. I care that they think I care for THEM.

On a superficial level, I probably care more than I should that people (random or known) find me attractive/pretty. I don't think that's an awful thing.

I also care that people think I'm funny. Humor is really important to me, and it's one of my coping mechanisms. It makes me feel good to have reassurance from people (in the form of laughter/high fives) that they think I said or did something funny.

 

[Gypsy]

If you spend too much time trying to think about others opinions of you, you lose sight of your opinion of yourself. And I find that my values and world view and personality make me someone that is an acquired taste. And I'm okay with that. Life has never been a popularity contest with me. The friendship, loyalty and good opinion of the few people that have proven themselves TO ME, matter. But that's about it.

I have a small circle of people that I consider true friends, including my husband. And their opinions matter because I trust them, I respect them, and I know that when they tell me things about myself they do so with good intentions: to hold a mirror up to something that I should probably be aware of. I am loyal to them for this reason as well. Loyalty means that I do the same for them: tell them the truth even when they'd rather not hear it.

If you're not in the circle...Meh. No. I don't really care what you think of me and I don't feel any loyalty to you. You can be an ass and frankly I may talk about it... but probably not to you. And if it gets back to you... ah, well, I'll deal with it.

At work, I care that my co-workers think I am fair and reliable, so I try my best to be that way. And I care that my boss views me as an asset, so I try to be. But what they think of me personally... not so much. But then again, I don't share much personally at all with them.

I do care what I think of me. If I do something that makes me feel bad about myself. Then... I care. If I treat someone unfairly, and god knows I have, it affects me. And I try to apologize. Maybe WAY too late. But I do try.

 

[lknvrb4]

I used to worry all the time about what people thought of me and once I got into my thirties things changed. I went from being insecure to self confident. Life is to short to worry about what other people who do not even matter think of me.

 

[packrat]

Sometimes I do. Like when it comes to my kids, I hope people think I'm doing a good job w/them and am a good mom. I do not care if people don't like my tattoos, or think I'm some kind of weirdo for having them. However, if people don't like them and use them to judge me as a mom, I have a problem w/that.

 

[ruby59]

Someone said it up thread but as I get older I have developed a thicker skin. I used to worry and disect everything. Now I wish I had all that wasted time back. As I have gotten older, I just do not take things as seriously as before. As long as my family is healthy and happy, I just do not sweat the small things. If a friend is snippy to me, I will ask what is wrong but I will not dwell on it. However, if she/he becomes toxic, I am not beyond writing them off, and that includes family. But I no longer look at is as if a bad word toward me is because I faultered. It could just be someone else having a bad day that has nothing to do with me.

 

[Ally T]

No I don't. I follow my own moral compass and I do what I think is right and fair and what I want to do. Do I want people to dislike me, of course not but as I get older (48 now) this has much less importance and I have never been a people pleaser anyway. I have no problems saying no to things I don't want to do. I am always (well usually depending on the circumstances) nice and polite about saying no but I say it anyway. Sure it's more fun to have people like me but I know no matter what you do there will always be people who will dislike you. That's just the way it is. My confidence comes from within and when I was younger it wasn't as easy as it is now but I was never one to shy away from conflict if necessary. In other words I treat people the way I want to be treated but no one pushes me around.

All of this. I am nice by nature with a good heart. I was horribly overweight in my youth (I went on to lose 8 stone in my early 20's, keep it off AND run 30 - 40k each week still, to this day, at 39) but I had a warm personality & a humour that won me an army of friends. Criticism of my weight & health when i was younger was very hurtful, but i never really heard much being said about me so didn't worry, and my parents & siblings loved me & supported me regardless, with never a negative word. And since marrying & having my children, I have realized that what others may perceive me to be or think of me, really doesn't matter. My body is honed to an enth degree now, but I HONESTLY don't care how I look in my bikini. My family are my priority & their wellbeing & happiness paramount to me. Should negative comments come my way, I ignore it. I am at peace with myself & who I am. I am healthy, happy, confident & content. And that oozes positivity & a smile on my face pretty much all the time.

 

[momhappy]

I think in some ways, everyone cares what others think to some extent. I think it's part of human nature and some people are just better at hiding it/denying it than others. It's how you deal with it that's important. I care, but not to the extent that it affects my functioning.

 

[marcy]

More than I should but I have also learned to not let it bother me for long. It also depends on who it is.

 

[dk168]

Perhaps it has something to do with being the middle child and born under the star sign of Aquarius, however, I have always been rebellious, and do not confirm to what may be considered as "normal".

I live a life along the path that I have chosen, making my own decisions along the way, apart from one or two regrets, I am happy and content with my lot.

DK

 

[arkieb1]

No, these days I don't care. I cared more when I was much younger. I have always been way too intuitive when it comes to reading people. I also have the I'd say unfortunate (others would call it fortunate) art of sensing things about people, like I can tell the woman that is getting abused at home by her husband that keeps it hidden to the rest of the world and things like that. I don't know if it is strictly clairvoyance or just like the TV show lie to me I am good at picking up cues and notice things that other people simply don't or choose not to see. I often can tell what a person is thinking as well oddly enough, so if I took on board what everyone thought about me and everyone else around them I would be a wreck.

 

[Kaleigh]

I used to. Prob too much. I cannot give energy to those that suck it out of me... Plain and simple...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have learned it is none of my business what people think of me. I usually do not, or at least, not in the long run. Age, life experience, my job has all thickened my skin. It is not uncommon for someone to yell at me at work. That does not bother me as I know it is not personal. I have moments of lapses when something someone says sticks with me longer than it should. I am naturally sensitive and I struggle to let things go. But I think that is part of being a human being. So I guess 80% of the time I don't. The other 20% I have to remind myself it isn't important. As long as I like me and make choices that allows me to continue to like me, I am good.

 

[iLander]

I told my children, repeatedly, when they were growing up:

Don't worry what people think of you, they don't do it very much.

I think it helped them realize that other's opinions are not a big deal. I will fit in to a minimal degree (overalls in a 5-star restaurant? no) but I'm not going to try to impress anybody.

I guess it's because I've seen behind the curtain: people work so hard to be impressive with a big house, or a fancy car, and turns out they can't afford these things.

I call it "eating prestige sandwiches".

And if someone criticizes me, I have a tongue like a pit viper, so they don't get to enjoy it for very long.

 

[SB621]

I grew up in a family of over achievers, who are highly competitive and have a backwards idea of how a family works. So when I was younger, yes I care very much what ppl thought about me and how I represented my family. Anyhow when I was 17 I moved out to go to college and I moved FAR away. I met my husband that year as well. After being through all the emotional baggage growing up with my parents I just really had a discovery that no I don’t care. All that matters is my husband and now of course my children. My friends that I have made since have been lifelong. I have no regrets and I personally like who I am. If you meet me online, at my job, through a friend I am always the same person. What you “see” is what you get. Love it, hate it makes no difference to me. I have always felt that if you care about what ppl think about you then you are trying too hard.

 

[yssie]

I was talking to DH about this last night and he noted that I'm completely different when it comes to the pets - I genuinely don't give a fig what people think of me when when it comes to doing what we decide is best for our animals... we gotta do what we gotta do and those who would differ are welcome to think whatever they want so long as it doesn't affect us doing whatever we gotta do! I suspect I'll likewise care a whole lot less when we have kids...

ETA: SB Your view sounds exceptionally healthy!!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Honestly, outside of my immediate family, I don't think people think of me, or rather about me, at all.

cheers--Sharon

 

[chrono]

It matters the most when it comes to my immediate family and very close and limited circle of friends and family. It matters so a lesser degree at work. I am not bothered by what strangers and acquaintances think of me.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I have never cared what other people think of me - it's a waste of time.