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My sister "broke up" with my family..

OUpearlgirl

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Jun 26, 2007
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Welp.. My oldest sister has cut off all ties with our family. She is my dad and his ex-wife's adopted daughter, yet we have always loved her as if she were related by blood. In fact, I used to idolize her. Since she met her husband our relationship with her has become more and more distant over the last 15 years. Her husband doesn't "do family," and it seems like she doesn't anymore either.

She sent us a nasty e-mail, unprompted, over the holidays. She blasted our religion, yet told us that we shouldn't judge her for her lack of one. For the record, we do not care or comment on her religious views. She trashed our lifestyle-- she essentially called us materialistic-- and went on and on about the environment and how we don't care about it. That was interesting for someone who doesn't see or talk to us to know anything about our recycling practices! She said some hurtful things, and also gave us rules for if we wanted to have any contact with her at all. After my dad's rational and kind response she said she thought it best that we all "go our separate ways."

I am trying really hard not to be heartbroken over this. We have barely talked in the last several years (her doing, not mine) so I don't really know how being cut off will be all that different than it was before.

How do you get over a sibling who decides that because you aren't the same, you can't have a relationship? Also, part of me wonders if he is abusive. She hasn't spoken to her mom in 4 years, and now she is no longer speaking to us. When she was in town (she lives in Seattle, we are in TX/OK) for my older sister's wedding, her husband was tracking her by her phone. I don't think that's normal. I'm at a loss for what to do.
 

movie zombie

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the only thing you can do is tell her how much you love her and how not having contact with her hurts you. let her know that you will always love her and that your door will always be open no matter how long she decides to not have contact. regardless if her husband is influencing her, she's the one that's made the decision to take this action.

i'm so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. good luck.
 

marcy

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movie zombie|1326164421|3099054 said:
the only thing you can do is tell her how much you love her and how not having contact with her hurts you. let her know that you will always love her and that your door will always be open no matter how long she decides to not have contact. regardless if her husband is influencing her, she's the one that's made the decision to take this action.

i'm so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. good luck.
Agreed.
 

swingirl

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Apr 6, 2006
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I think the husband has something to do with it. If he is abusive and controlling he may "encourage" her to cut ties. Not talking to your mother for 4 years seems beyond issues with religion or the earth. Is it possible she didn't actually write the email? and what about being tracked by the husband?

I would try to call her and let her know you are still available to talk, help and be her sister, and that you and the family miss her, in spite of your differences in lifestyle.
 

CharmyPoo

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Dec 10, 2004
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The first thing that came to mind was that she is hiding something about her husband - I thought this after the first paragraph. Family doesn't give up on family in my opinion. I will continue to reach out and figure out what is really going on.
 

distracts

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I agree with Movie Zombie.

In my experience, there are all sorts of reasons people will cut off ties with family, even loving, inclusive ones, when nothing is really wrong. It could be that. Or it could be something more sinister. I wouldn't push it too hard because you wouldn't want to cause drama that might make it hard to reunite further down the road, but just let her know simply that you love and miss her and will miss her even more now, or something, and that you understand she may need time off from family but you're always there for her if she changes her mind.
 

JewelFreak

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Good advice here. Sounds like her husband is controlling, possibly abusive at least emotionally. Influencing a spouse to cut off family ties & be isolated is one way those types operate. However, she has to make any changes; nobody can do it for her. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you -- and I'll bet she will eventually -- and let her know you love her. Maybe send cards on her birthdays, something like that, to keep her reminded that you're there and you care.

Heartrending stuff -- I'm so sorry for her parents & you. Pray. It helps. Big hugs from here.

--- Laurie
 

OUpearlgirl

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Thank you for the advice. Yes, we all believe that her husband is involved in this. My dad is actually calling her at the clinic she works at to see if he can speak to her on the phone when he isn't around. He realizes she may not take his call, but it's worth a shot.

She and her husband met, and he moved in 3 weeks later. My parents were not thrilled with this-- they were paying for her vet school and the apartment. My dad told her if she wanted to live with him, she was an adult, but he would not be paying for her school or apartment anymore. She was incredibly mad at both of my parents for this. About 5 months after that she came to them and told them they were common law married. She refused to go to the courthouse, none of us really know why, but hey, it's her life. So that was all 15 years ago. There were absolutely some fights back then, but I don't think any of us have talked to her about it in at least 12 years.

We have only met him once, so I honestly don't know much about him at all. It was bizarre the way he was tracking her on her phone. He got mad one day when she left the house (for 20 minutes) and didn't tell him where she was going. That is not normal behavior!

Hugs to all of you, and thanks.
 

stargurl78

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I don't have much to add except that I agree with the good advice that the others posted. Sending hugs your way.
 

NewEnglandLady

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I am so sorry--this happened in my family last year (it was my niece who cut off contact with the family). My sister and other nieces (her siblings) were very, very hurt. The entire family did as MZ suggested and respected that she was an adult who could make her own decisions, but that if she ever changed her mind or wanted to resume communication with the family, we would support her. She was also with a (what I suspect to be) emotionally abusive man, which made the whole situation very gut-wrenching. It was hard to "let her go" in a situation we suspected was abusive. It was awful.

She did come around, eventually. She doesn't talk about it often, but she missed her family dearly and realized she was sacrificing so much to be with a man who was always angry. It took about a year, but as of Christmas Day, she'd moved out and was living with my sister.

Anyway, I only say this because I know it must be very, very hard for you. My sister saw a therapist while going through the situation because she felt like she just couldn't handle it. My heart goes out to you and your family!
 

VRBeauty

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movie zombie|1326164421|3099054 said:
the only thing you can do is tell her how much you love her and how not having contact with her hurts you. let her know that you will always love her and that your door will always be open no matter how long she decides to not have contact. regardless if her husband is influencing her, she's the one that's made the decision to take this action.

i'm so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. good luck.

Ditto. My first thought was that she's going through "growing pains" of some sort, but her husband must be involved in some way or he would have tempered this, if not talked her out of it.
 

QueenB29

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I have no advice, I just wanted to say hugs. I'm so sorry your family is going through this.
 

Maisie

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It seems to me that her reasons for cutting contact were flimsy. Like she had just grabbed any reason she could to throw at you all.

I have cut contact with two of my sisters. It wasn't easy. One of them married a convicted paedophile (and abandoned her 5 children) and the other sister stayed married to her husband, who sexually abused her daughter. I cannot have that in my life. It didn't feel safe for my children and I can't stand watching them self destruct this way.

Your sister doesn't seem to have 'good enough' reasons to cut contact so you are right to assume there is something else going on here. I agree with the others who said you should let her know that you will be there whenever she needs you. Its very sad :(sad
 

ame

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Not one thing there sounds like it was anything SHE chose to do. It seriously sounds like her husband, probably he even wrote that email. I hope your dad can reach her at her workplace and talk to her.
 

Upgradable

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2004
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I'm so sorry this happened! I know how close you two used to be, and that must make it even more heartbreaking. I completely agree with Movie Zombie's post. Respect her choice, even though her reasons have no ground at all, but make sure she knows that your door is always open. Maybe send her a letter and share your feelings (but not a "defense") for her, and how sorry you are about her decision.

As for your sister, you've known a long time that she is very different from you and your family. Even though you have all been very open with your hearts, she essentially grew up in a family in which she felt on the outside. Three beautiful blonde sisters, and a step-mother who was so involved in your lives, though she always made an effort to include her too. I, two, believe her "husband" is a significant reason for her behavior, but things have been in a holding pattern for a long time. I cannot imagine anything you or your family did initiated this rant.

Besides reassuring her of your continuing love and affection for her, I don't think there's anything else you can do. Again, I'm so sorry this has happened. Please, don't let it affect your enthusiasm about your upcoming wedding!!!!
 

princesss

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Oh, OUP. *hugs*
 

jewelerman

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movie zombie|1326164421|3099054 said:
the only thing you can do is tell her how much you love her and how not having contact with her hurts you. let her know that you will always love her and that your door will always be open no matter how long she decides to not have contact. regardless if her husband is influencing her, she's the one that's made the decision to take this action.

i'm so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. good luck.
This...plus keep in contact with her when possible through occasional cards and e-mails. When someone starts putting down one sided ground rules to be in a relationship then there will be problems and it will take more effort to maintain that relationship.Keep in mind that sometimes it can be best to let the person have their way and just wait for when they are grown up enough to be in a relationship where its 2 sided and they don't have to be in control of everything.Some people are selfish or immature and expect that others should do all the heavy lifting in the relationship while they step back and get to be the critic and always right and they don't have to get their hands dirty. I agree that people should try harder in a family relationship,but if all they can is be critical of your religion and life style and lay down a list of ground rules so you get to keep their company then it may be best to put your energy toward other relationships that will grow and flourish over time.
 

iLander

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May 23, 2010
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I am SO sorry to hear this! ;(

I know exactly how this feels, because my son recently married a woman who has made every effort to separate him from us. These people are extremely controlling (potentially abusive) and want someone to manipulate. The family and other outside influences make the victim less easy to control, so the abusive person will separate the victim from their family. They do this by twisting every little thing into a negative, no matter how innocent. Like this;

"The sky is blue," says mom.

"Why is she saying that? Does she think you are too stupid to realize the sky is blue? She must think you are an idiot. You're a sucker to love her," says the manipulator.

See how easy it is? There really is nothing you can do about it, because the manipulator is in control of the victim's thoughts and ANYTHING can be twisted. All you can do is hope the manipulator loses interest over time. Life is a long time, maybe you'll get lucky and your sister will find herself alone one day. All you can do is send birthday cards, holiday cards, just sign them love and leave it at that. I forward links to stories and articles that I think he'll like, keeping completely impersonal, I don't even sign "Love Mom" ("is she trying to make you feel guilty?" says the manipulator). Just keep in touch.

I know how you feel. It really sucks. Just keep all contact light and impersonal, act like you didn't get her letter. Also, keep an emotional distance, so you don't feel the pain. You are not dealing with your sister anymore, you are dealing with the manipulator. And biding your time. . .

Hugs to you, sweetie.
 

OUpearlgirl

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Joined
Jun 26, 2007
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Thank you so much-- all of you.

I'm trying to feel better about all of this. It's 3 months until my wedding and she was to be a bridesmaid. That's obviously not happening now!! I'm sad for me, I'm sad for my family, and I am mad as hell for my dad. He works so hard and gives so much for his family and this is how he is repaid!

I really appreciate every kind thought and piece of advice you all have given me. PS is a great place. I will not contact her until her birthday in February. I just may decide to send her little texts, e-mails, and cards for as long as I can keep it up.
 

iota15

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That's a great idea. It must be hard, especially so close to your wedding. I know I got quite sentimental and nostalgic before mine. I hope you continue to let her know she can come to you when she's ready- hopefully sooner than later.
 

Gypsy

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marcy|1326166576|3099093 said:
movie zombie|1326164421|3099054 said:
the only thing you can do is tell her how much you love her and how not having contact with her hurts you. let her know that you will always love her and that your door will always be open no matter how long she decides to not have contact. regardless if her husband is influencing her, she's the one that's made the decision to take this action.

i'm so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. good luck.
Agreed.

Yup.
 
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