Why do so few PSers post jokes?

[kenny]

Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

Nurse: "Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room."
Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him."

The stationary store moved.

A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened. Has red stains.

I have bad news. My grandma only has two weeks to live.
But there is no way I'm paying the ransom.

 

[TooPatient]

Why is santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.




What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

 

[Dancing Fire]

B/c, you don't wanna hear my gay jokes...

Gay jokes are the BEST.
Bring em on.

When two lesbians get marry what type of license would they need?

Ooops, forgot to answer...a liquor license...

 

[KaeKae]

Two silk worms enter a race but end up in a tie.

 

[Rhea]

Why are there so many blonde jokes?

...so brunettes have something to do on a Saturday night.

I love this!

What is the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

The cactus has the pricks on the outside.

Can't wait for my husband to get home so I can repeat this one!

 

[purplesparklies]

No jokes but this is hysterical. My favorite is the last one.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SCaKuAdKumA

ETA: Ellen finds photos audience members have posted on Facebook. Hilarity ensues.

 

[iLander]

A man walks up to the counter in an auto parts store.

"I need a gas cap for my Kia."

The guy behind the counter says "Okay, that sounds like a fair trade."



Feel free to substitute the car brand of the annoying person you are speaking to.

Then run.

 

[blackprophet]

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A horse jumped in the mud.

Wanna hear an even dirtier joke?

Two Horses jumped in the mud.

Wanna hear an even dirtier joke?

Three horses jumped out.

 

[Karl_K]

I have the worst memory for jokes other than the dreadfully inappropriate ones. The only one I can think of now is one DH just told me last night.

3 Canucks were trying to decide what to call their beautiful homeland. "Let's just throw some letters we like out, and see if something falls into place," one suggested. The others thought it was as good of a plan as any.

The first one says, "What about a C, eh?" A nod of agreement. 'C' is a nice enough letter.
The second says, "What about an N, eh?" Again, agreement all round. N is inoffensive.
The last says, "What about a D, eh?" The group agrees for the last time, and toasts were had all round.

And so, it became known as Canada.

I am stealing that one for facebook for all my Canadian relatives.

 

[Karl_K]

None of us can compete with Karl's!

That is true lol
I actually steal them from a true joke master.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?
Leave it, it's Beaver.

 

[kenny]

No jokes but this is hysterical. My favorite is the last one.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SCaKuAdKumA

ETA: Ellen finds photos audience members have posted on Facebook. Hilarity ensues.

OMG, I'd shrivel up into one molecule if Ellen did that to me … but what good sports!
Hilarious.

 

[kenny]

Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?
Leave it, it's Beaver.

Hahaha.

I think there are a bunch of jokes that start out with June Cleaver saying, "Ward, I'm worried about the Beav."

 

[minmin001]

one of my friends always post jokes on FB but it's mainly making fun of women, but I think they are funny.
Here is one:

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

 

[minmin001]

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

 

[kenny]

This could be seen as sexist and weightiest by the masses of fragile, brittle, overly sensitive PSers jonesing to be offended, but too bad.
It's funny.

It would be equally funny if that overweight "good husband" was the 'big butt' of this joke.
It certainly would have gotten more play since bashing men is way more in vogue right now than bashing women.

 

[KaeKae]

What did the the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look grandpa! No hands! ‪
(credit: Ellen DeGeneres)

 

[Lady_Disdain]

This could be seen as sexist and weightiest by the masses of fragile, brittle, overly sensitive PSers jonesing to be offended, but too bad.

I have no problems with the joke but I think you could have tried a little harder to be offensive when announcing it.

 

[junebug17]

one of my friends always post jokes on FB but it's mainly making fun of women, but I think they are funny.
Here is one:

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

Hehehe!

 

[missy]

So my dh's elderly aunt just emailed this joke to us...some might find it offensive but perhaps some will see the humor in it too.
It's titled President's Day.

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"


She's a smart kid so I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln.

But she replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit!"

You know, it hurts when hot coffee blows out your nose!

 

[TooPatient]

So my dh's elderly aunt just emailed this joke to us...some might find it offensive but perhaps some will see the humor in it too.
It's titled President's Day.

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"


She's a smart kid so I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln.

But she replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit!"

You know, it hurts when hot coffee blows out your nose!

 

[kenny]

This could be seen as sexist and weightiest by the masses of fragile, brittle, overly sensitive PSers jonesing to be offended, but too bad.

I have no problems with the joke but I think you could have tried a little harder to be offensive when announcing it.

I'll try harder next time.

Got any jokes for the joke thread?

 

[justginger]

A biker walked into a chemist shop in Adelaide, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:

1/3 ownership in the shop...
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week...
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

 

[missy]

A biker walked into a chemist shop in Adelaide, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:

1/3 ownership in the shop...
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week...
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

LOL, funny.

 

[AGBF]

The reason I do not usually post "jokes" is that I am often reluctant to post embarrassing stories about my real life and those are the only "jokes" I can remember since they actually happened to me. When this incident happened, I did share it via e-mail with MZ because I know that she has always been a gun enthusiast. I am coming to find some merit in guns relatively late in life.

At any rate, I decided to buy the first gun of my life an found that gun control had already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

Deb/AGBF

 

[CJ2008]

No jokes but this is hysterical. My favorite is the last one.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SCaKuAdKumA

ETA: Ellen finds photos audience members have posted on Facebook. Hilarity ensues.

OMG, I'd shrivel up into one molecule if Ellen did that to me … but what good sports!
Hilarious.

Kenny, OMG me too.

When I saw the pole dancing one I felt myself becoming furious actually (even though I LOVE Ellen) because I started thinking "what if people from her JOB see that? etc.) - but then I remembered - the only reason Ellen could do that is because these things were posted PUBLICLY already. So then I could relax again and enjoy it.

But man, the things people post...

 

[CJ2008]

double post

 

[beaujolais]

Louis CK on the differences between boys & girls:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpW3orlfp7E

 

[woofmama]

Louis CK on the differences between boys & girls:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpW3orlfp7E

Best comedian ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I watch his stuff on youtube all the time

 

[kenny]

Louis CK on the differences between boys & girls:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpW3orlfp7E

Best comedian ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I watch his stuff on youtube all the time

+1
That guy's a genius … today's George Carlin.

One reason I appreciate him is he just comes out and says things that many people might think deep down, but never admit they think and certainly WOULD NEVER SAY.
It's like shame, guilt and self doubt never caught on in him.
(Remind you of anyone here on PS? )

He says one reason for his fresh perspective is he was raised in Mexico.
So he notices stuff Americans just got used to.

Besides all his stand-up skits on Youtube he produced a regular show for cable TV called, "Louie".
I've watched every show of all 3 seasons twice,
It is streaming on Netflix.



Louie
2010-2012
3 Seasons
Quote from Netflix:
"Written and directed by comic Louis C.K. -- who plays a fictionalized version of himself -- this FX series eschews sitcom structure for a loose format that lets single dad Louie be his irascible self -- through vignettes, club performances and more."