Am I being unreasonable - DH wants to return to Ireland

[mlk]

[quote="justginger|1382530854|3542841"

What is the solution? I honestly don't know. My plan at this point is to keep doing what I'm doing down here, and make sure to set aside a very good amount of savings. In the case I am needed, DH and I will then be in a position that we could afford for me to quit my job and return to the States for as long as necessary. We're very seriously entertaining the idea of buying an investment property there in the next 5 years, when our house here is paid off. Perhaps that is something you could discuss with your husband? Keep living life down here, visiting Ireland once a year or so, and then making sure you have sufficient savings for him to go back if really NEEDED. Sometimes just knowing that it's a possibility, if really needed, is enough to provide comfort and security to the person who is far away from family.[/quote]
Just ginger thanks for posting your situation. From my perspective that's not a bad option given that his parents have no current health concerns but are just elderly. I think financially we could swing it so one of us takes a few months off work when the time comes and the other does a lengthy visit(s). However I don't think even if DH agreed that it would satisfy MIL and stop her pressure. I hope you and your husband are able to remain on the same page and your parents continue to be healthy so you don't have to change anything anytime soon.

 

[mlk]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You are from Australia, where I assume you have family, and where you and your DH have made a good life for yourselves. Why in the world would anyone want to relocate to another country to become caretakers to their spouse's elderly parents. Especially since he comes from a large family and he's the youngest. You didn't sign up for that. The fact that he's even considering this despite how you feel is troubling. The fact that he discusses this behind closed doors, without your involvement, and with his mother is even more troubling. Maybe you need to consider a third party like a marriage counselor to be able to tell him that you are not uprooting yourself or your son to relocate to another country to become caretakers for his elderly parents. He's your husband and partner, and he should stand with you. You can assist with their help by visiting frequently and perhaps financially at times. In other words, there are other ways to be supportive without giving up your lives for people who have already lived a majority of theirs.

Maybe they can consider uprooting themselves and move to Australia.

Thanks for input meezermom. Just a few things in response. Unfortunately both my parents have passed away within the last 5 years so I have no immediate family here. The thing is my mother saw how This pressure was affecting us after my father died and she was so selfless to say that she would never hold me back and if we decided to move to Ireland she would support us. My mother got struck down with a terrible disease shortly after and when she was dying in hospital (which MIL knew) MIL called DH and told him they needed him to come home because they had the flu and "were dying". This was before we were married but around the time we brought our house and DH was so freaked out about it all that we ended up seeing a counsellor. DH did not like being told how dysfunctional everything was and now refuses to ever go back!

 

[mlk]

I am curious as to why the pressure is on him as one of six, or have the other 5 already declined to move back in?

Family expectations are not always fair and some time there is a long term expectation that a particular family member will care for the parents, but usually this seems to work out to be a daughter. I would just wonder if the pressure is on your husband who left the country 14 years ago rather then on the children who have been geographically closer,and presumably able to have more regular contact, that your mother in law is not very difficult to get on with prolonged contact and the others have distanced themselves for self protection????

Are you on good enough terms with any of your sister in laws, perhaps other spouses of her mother in laws kids to have a quiet chat to find out what has been happening over the last few years when it isn't holiday time.

Exactly my thoughts missoph. DH is the baby by 10 years and seems without doubt to be his mother's favorite and the help from the others is just not good enough in her opinion. I do believe she has interfered in her oldest son's marriage by buying him clothes etc as she doesn't like the way her DIL dresses him but there are no actual problems with any of them.

His sister in Ireland visits and stays every weekend and has done ever since she got married many years ago, her husband has since died. I also believe his brothers drop in regularly to borrow tools etc. another sister lives in Saudi Arabia and is close to retirement age so will have to leave there within the next couple of years. She is back in Ireland several times a year but all her mother ever does is complain about her when she is there. I think they are probably too similar in personality.

One sister is in Brisbane and we were visiting her recently so I had thought about calling her but I'm not sure if DH would ever forgive me for calling her.

 

[mlk]

You are not being unreasonable, but by the same account, neither is your husband.
You both have a desire to do something (he wants to move, you don't want to move). The issue then becomes how to resolve the situation. Is it possible for your husband to speak with his other siblings about the situation? The practical solution seems to be that the other siblings (who already live in Ireland) could be the ones to care for the parents, but since that has not been brought up as a viable option, clearly there must be more to this than meets the eye. It sounds to me like this issue is bigger than it seems and you need to come to some sort of compromise to resolve it. What is your husband's opinion on having a second child? Does he understand your reasoning for wanting to try for another child in Australia as opposed to Ireland? Would it be possible to formulate some sort of plan where you might consider moving some time after you've had your second child?
Personally, I can sort of relate to these sorts of family issues. My life has pretty much centered around my husband's family over the years, so I know how it feels and if you're not careful, it can create resentment as your husband continues to feel that his needs/wants are not being met.

I tend to agree that neither of us is being unreasonable but I do feel that the pressure from MIL and this issue is turning DH into a different person who is unable to fully engage in our life if that makes sense.

We were only talking the other night about trying for a second child perhaps in march/April next year as I have read some research which says if I have two pregnancies within two years then the risk may be slightly lower (I had severe pre-eclampsia). Moving after having another child is certainly a far better option than moving now.

 

[mlk]

Since they have been together several years, I'm guessing that the OP knew fairly early on in their relationship that the distance between her spouse and his family might become an issue (and OP admitted that it has been an ongoing issue). Your line of reasoning is about the same as saying, "Why in the world would anyone want to live in an entirely different country from their parents and not have the ability to care for them as they want/need to?" I imagine that OPs spouse has probably always thought that perhaps he is the one who could best support/care for his parents and in the back of his mind, he's been open to the fact that it would require him to move at some point. My point is that it's unfair for both of them - it's unfair to expect her to pick up and move and it's unfair to expect him to stay and ignore the needs/wants of his aging parents.
I have children and I would hate to think that one day, my son's spouse would keep my son away from me. A short while back, my husband told me that my in-laws wanted to move near us and I was very hesitant at first (there are some fairly serious issues that could create routine problems). I sat on it and didn't speak much about it until I had mulled it over for a while. The conclusion I came to was that if they wanted to move here, then so be it. It helped me to think of it in terms of my own children. I thought about how very close I am to my own son and what if someday he wanted to be close to me, but his wife kept him away? I realized that I didn't want to be the wife that kept a son away from his mother (or in this case, to keep my husband away from his aging mom).
Don't get me wrong, I realize that children grow up, move on, etc. and that's perfectly normal. I certainly don't expect that my children will never leave my side. I'm guessing that as adults, they will live away from me and I can only hope to see them on a fairly regular basis. I would be crushed if I couldn't see my kids for great lengths of time - I'm guessing that's how OP's MIL feels. She misses her son and it's important to keep that in mind, which is not to say that OP needs to pick up and move, but a compromise needs to be made.

Yea mom happy this has been an issue for many years however every time it has come up, DH agrees it is not the right thing to do and would be, his words, "suicide" to go back there. However this all seems to have ramped up in the last year to the point where I feel DH is caring less and less about our life and seems unable to engage properly in our marriage.

I think he has also fueled things with his mother by not being definitive that he is not coming back as he doesn't want to disappoint her and he is very weak in telling her anything which she wouldn't like. He will withdraw from everything, tell white lies or what people want to hear so that he doesn't have to face situations so I think he also keeps her dangling a little so the issue never gets put fully to bed.

I too have thought about how I would be with my son. I love him to death and would also hate if he chose to move overseas but I would do everything I could to visit him and would just want him to find someone to love and have his own family one day, but I do see where you're coming from and I also don't want to be the one keeping DH away from his mother and have actually been the one desperately trying to organize a trip there so they can meet their grandson and have him christened over there just like I arranged for our wedding to be over there, which is another point. MIL sat stony faced throughout our wedding, didn't even offer to contribute or help, didn't give us a wedding present and gave DH a card before I had even arrived in the country!

 

[mlk]

Why is the mother so set on having your dh take care of them? She offered the entire inheritance to him, basically ignoring the rest of the children. There must be some reason? What is wrong with dh's siblings? Are they irresponsible? Drug addicted? Mean spirited? Selfish? What's the story behind these people?

Is the mother and dh enmeshed? Is their bond unhealthy? If so, this is something that must be explored in counseling.

Nothing at all wrong with the others, just that DH is the mother's favorite. I actually believe that the expectation was that he would never marry or have children and would continue to live in their house until they die. iMO it is an unhealthy bond? Which is also another fear of mine if we were to move to Ireland.

 

[mlk]

I sympathize with your situation - but this about the circle of life and how you and your husband will deal with the call from his parents for his/your care and support... and of course it is also about how and what you and your husband hope for yourselves when the time comes for you both. Sometimes family and love and responsibilties require sacrifice and compromise. I hope you and your husband can have an open, honest dialog about his parents' phone calls and request, what he feels in his heart, and what both of you can decide on together as the best way to face this part of your lives.

eta: forgot to say, You are not being unreasonable -- this is a difficult situation -- sometimes there are no easy answers -- the best hope is for you and your husband to talk it through and come together on your approach.

Thanks marymm. I think the problem is that while ever he is talking about this with his mother in private then we will never be able to have an honest and open dialogue.

 

[momhappy]

Then Smith's assumption that your DH does not want to go back was correct. That changes things entirely. If he truly wanted to go back and support his parents, then I would feel for him. However, he is essentially being bullied to go back and that's a horrible thing to do to your child. I really feel for you OP, you are definitely in a tough situation. Unless your DH learns to set boundaries, his mother's words/actions will continue to cause him grief. Would either of you consider speaking to a counselor/therapist (more for him than you, but going together would certainly be beneficial)? He really needs to sort through this and if he's having private conversations with his mom, then he's not being honest with you, his mom, or himself....

 

[mlk]

So, as you may have guessed, I'm in complete agreement with Meezermom on this issue. Your MIL has three kids living within half an hour of her! Why on earth does she need her child to give up the life he has built in Australia over a decade? I'd be really embarrassed to be that selfish. How old is she? Because she could live to be 100, and then you would have lived for many many years in Ireland and might find it very hard to go back to Australia. On the other hand, let's say she lives for about three years after you move back. Then you would have uprooted yourselves for a the sake of a very short amount of time.

Someone said that the OP knew she was marrying a foreign national. This also applies to the foreign national. He was the one who moved to a foreign country and married a local, knowing that said local would have her own family and attachments to her country.

There are other options apart from moving back. Can your MIl come and spend extended periods staying with you? If you don't work, can you take your son to visit her for a few weeks? .

Thanks Smith1942 for sharing your story and I'm sorry your mother is so ill and you are so far away.

MIL is mid 70s and FIL is early 80s. They are both in great health and FIL's siblings have all lived well into their 90's.

I agree that spending lots of time over there is the answer and especially if either of them were to get sick. I have been trying to organize a trip over there for the last 6 months but DH has stopped my from booking it every time I tried.

 

[mlk]

You're not being unreasonable.

The fact that your DH's mother offered money might indicate she is aware that it might be more challenging to find employment over there and she wants to be sure you're able to cover your expenses. That said, once she gives money, it turns into a power position, so based on that alone, there is no way I'd agree to that. You have your life in Australia, jobs, a house, and friends. It's unfair of her to ask for you to give up everything and move to another country w/no guarantees that you'll settle into a life that you'd like to have.

If she has money, then she should hire an in-care service.

MC I can never be entirely sure her motivation but I think it is something which certain ally be used against us as a guilt thing. I have already suggested to my DH that she use the money for help. The other thing is they live in a big old two storey house and 100 acres and they refuse to consider moving from it to a more suitable single level house.

 

[mlk]

^^Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I don't know of many American parents who "expect" their adult children to care for them as they age. In fact, I have seen quite the opposite - that more and more, adult children feel less of a sense of responsibility to care for aging parents (and likewise, parents no longer expect their adult children to care for them).
After reading OPs post, I got the impression that OPs spouse hasn't seen much of his parents over the past several years - maybe that's not a correct assumption on my part? If that's the case, then he has been compromising, so the question becomes how much more should he have to compromise his wants/needs?

We haven't been back there for 2 and a half years because of my pregnancy, a baby in the nicu and very small/weak for many months. The reason we haven't been there in the last 6 months is solely because my DH has refused to go. Before that however he had been back on average once a year for several weeks at a time.

 

[mlk]

I agree with the poster who said that neither one of you is being unreasonable. I wish you and your husband could talk about it in an open way; I have a feeling if there was no resistance, your husband might feel free to voice feelings that are extremely hard to say, like the fact that he probably has been made to feel guilty about it by his Mom; that he doesn't relish the idea either; that there is a sense of familial obligation and he might feel "bad" if he doesn't help out. I don't know, it just seems natural to me that he would have these feelings, but knows that you really don't want to go back and doesn't share all his own reasons why he doesn't want to go.

Could you consider having another child and then moving back? Your concerns about the birth seem legitimate to me (assuming there is no nearby good birthing and care options in central Ireland). I would absolutely worry about that. But I'm wondering if there is some compromise that you can come to and maybe move back for a while in a few years?

In the past he has said he doesn't want to go but feels like he has no choice. He does love our life here, he cycles to work every day, can easily go to the beach whenever he wants, loves the weather and outside lifestyle, the availability of great coffee and restaurants on our doorstep. We are very lucky to live in one of the best parts of Sydney. Our life now compared to a life in his hometown would be polar opposites and I don't know that either of us could adjust. Problem is that once we are there it would be near impossible to leave again while his parents are alive.

I would think that the level of care I and any baby may need would be over an hour away. I was very close to having a stroke with my son and prior to that was monitored by my private ob with weekly checks, ultrasounds and blood tests. Even with that close monitoring my son was out within two hours of my arriving at hospital and that was after the hospital trying everything they could to reduce my blood pressure so I am not comfortable with the risk of being so far away from tertiary hospital care and a nicu

 

[luv2sparkle]

Wow, Mlk, you are in a tough spot. I really have no good advice for you. It does sound like you DH really doesn't want to go back, but it also seems like he is going to need to come to that decision by himself. Parents that controlling are hard for anyone to let go of. Hopefully, when he weighs all the pros and cons of your life in Sydney vs. Ireland he will come to the right decision. It took my DH a long time to take my side of things over his mother. She is not quite as controlling as your MIL but we still had issues. I hope he sees things clearly soon. I know you would want to help them if they truly needed it, but this is just manipulation.

 

[mlk]

Regarding the comment about the OP's husband's needs/wants, does he actually want to give up his life in Australia to go and care for his parents "until they die"? Or is he happy in Australia and just feeling the pressure? If they weren't around, would he still want to go back to Ireland? I got the impression he is perfectly happy with his Aussie life and it's just his parents who are messing with his head.

DH would have no desire to return to Ireland if it weren't for his mother, I don't think he would even return for his father. He loves life here and has a well paying job and an excellent working reputation.

 

[Gypsy]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You are from Australia, where I assume you have family, and where you and your DH have made a good life for yourselves. Why in the world would anyone want to relocate to another country to become caretakers to their spouse's elderly parents. Especially since he comes from a large family and he's the youngest. You didn't sign up for that. The fact that he's even considering this despite how you feel is troubling. The fact that he discusses this behind closed doors, without your involvement, and with his mother is even more troubling. Maybe you need to consider a third party like a marriage counselor to be able to tell him that you are not uprooting yourself or your son to relocate to another country to become caretakers for his elderly parents. He's your husband and partner, and he should stand with you. You can assist with their help by visiting frequently and perhaps financially at times. In other words, there are other ways to be supportive without giving up your lives for people who have already lived a majority of theirs.

Maybe they can consider uprooting themselves and move to Australia.

This. Sounds like your DH needs individual counseling to get over his mommy-issues.

 

[mlk]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have to go out now but will get back soon with more replies. To further complicate the matter I have to let my HR know today whether I will be returning to work when my maternity leave ends in early December so I don't know what to do in that regard either!

 

[sunseeker101]

Mlk, I feel for you in this situation, with one young child this is no time to contend with this kind of uncertainty. I'm from Ireland and can say that the manipulative selfishness you're seeing is not cultural. But, youngest children are usually doted on to the point of latent irresponsibility. It's sure to say your DH is stuck helplessly in this too-close relationship and that his mother is scheming and unfair. The fact that his discussions with her are private is ample proof that all is not well between your DH and them or you.

I'll make a guess and say he's putting up statements that both sides want to hear, and hoping it all goes away. I think your challenge here is to query him about his feelings and intentions (and worry about hurting everyone) and help him crystallize his position (he might find this very difficult in an enmeshed position, Gypsy has the right of it above) and take responsibility one way or the other. Easier said than done of course, but you're obviously coming from a place of love, concern and gentility and in that sense you can't go wrong.

I agree with your take on where to be to raise children, the Irish economy has been belly-up for years at this point and no-one knows where it's going (as you know). And ultimately it is a fact that his first family is you and your child and that your feelings and needs are paramount to the health and success of that family. Okay, wishing you a smooth win-win resolution.

 

[movie zombie]

MIL is unreasonable.
having discussions w/o you his unreasonable.
siblings in Ireland already?
they can and should be doing what is necessary.
there is no guarantee that even if you move to Ireland that at the end of her life you will be in the will......a will can be very easily changed. additionally, Irish law may have something to say about siblings and inheritance.......
it would be a definite "no" for me.

for the record, my husband is from the AU. he was planning to leave the country when he met me..........and he didn't. imo, he made his choice.

 

[rubyshoes]

I just finished reading through this whole thread and others have been more eloquent than me but all I can say is -

No. No. No. Do NOT go.

 

[KaeKae]

I just finished reading through this whole thread and others have been more eloquent than me but all I can say is -

No. No. No. Do NOT go.

This. My fear is that if you DID move to Ireland, it still wouldn't be enough. The demands for attention would only grow from there.
In other words, giving into these demands will only fuel the fire.

 

[LaraOnline]

Fancy your mil offering to disinherit all of DH's siblings and their families just to get you over there.
She sounds like a piece of work!

 

[Gypsy]

Fancy your mil offering to disinherit all of DH's siblings and their families just to get you over there.
She sounds like a piece of work!

Right? Underhanded and manipulative to say the least.

I wouldn't move CLOSER to that. No way.

 

[mlk]

If it was the husband himself who wanted to leave Australia, with good reasons such as better schooling in Ireland (not saying it's better, just making up a fictional reason) that would be different. But it sounds as if the ONLY reason is his parents.

If the only reason to leave Australia is his parents, I think he should tell them that he has chosen his wife and family and Australia, like he did the day they got married. That is not to say there can't be visits of a few weeks. With three other children nearby, why can't she be happy with longish visits? That also creates strain on a couple because you have no marital privacy when you have houseguests, but it's better than changing your entire life when you don't want to.

One of the reasons I want my son and any other children brought up here is that we are within walking to some of the most prestigious schools in Australia, the opportunities those schools can offer (of course at a price) are second to none.

Every time we go over there it is for several weeks, usually DH may go first for an extra 2 weeks then I join him, although this wouldn't be the case with a small child now. But the trip I was planning was for 3 weeks

 

[mlk]

Is it possible for his parents to relocate to Australia to be close to your DH?

Not possible Chrono purelyf from their perspective that FIL has never been more than 100km from his home. MIL has been here a few times to visit her daughter but not lately. I think it impossible that they or she would even come and visit these days even though physically and financially able.

 

[mlk]

Perhaps I wasn't quite clear. I meant, does the husband WANT to move to Ireland, or is he only responding to parental pressure? I got the impression from the OP's post that they are quite happy in Australia and the fly in the ointment is the parental pressure. In other words, does he like his life in OZ just fine?

Here's the key part - if there were zero pressure, would he still want to move back? If his mum had never mentioned moving back, if she told him that she had strong support networks, had lots of money for care, and had her eye on a nice local retirement home when the time came and he is not to worry about her in the least, would he still be wanting to go back to Ireland? !

You hit the nail on the head there Smith. He is very happy here apart from this pressure.

 

[mlk]

[

I guess I have trouble with your line of reasoning (but certainly appreciate the dialogue ). So what if the main reason why he wants to move is because of his parents? How is that any different than OPs main reason of wanting to have another child in Australia?
Again, I feel that neither one of them is being unreasonable and to simply disregard feelings is not at all fair. Saying that his mother should be happy with visits from her son is quite unnerving. I can't imagine that one day my son may want to be near me and his spouse will be working behind the scenes to keep him away from me. Don't get me wrong, I fully expect that my son will grow, start a family of his own, and move away from me. However, that doesn't mean that I should be happy with barely seeing him because that's what his wife thinks that I should do..... There's got to be some other compromise here and I truly hope that OP and her spouse can work together and come to a conclusion that works for both of them. Maybe some professional help is in order in an effort to sort through feelings and facilitate (honest) dialogue.

Momhappy,

One choice is healthy, one really isn't.

Once a person gets married, it is unhealthy to start choosing the family of origin (parents, siblings) over the new family (wife, children). When a person gets married, they have committed to their new family and that family is to be chosen over all others, period.

It is up to the parents of the person to gently let go and to allow their child to have a healthy and happy life. The parents need to understand that their child has grown, has a family of their own, and has to chose their family over them! A parent should want that for their child and grandchildren and yes, even their new daughter/son in law.

I'm reading your responses and you've mentioned a couple of times about how distressed you would be if there was a daughter in law keeping you from your son, but it would be your job as a healthy parent to let go. It should be your joy to watch your son grow and be in love with his new family. You should take pleasure in knowing he is loving his life and in your healthy mind there should be no part of you that would want to manipulate and plead to uproot him from that life. Do you see?

If anything, you will want to participate in that life. You will find ways to become a part of that life in your new role, as a grandparent, not as your son's mother. This role has more joy than your previous role anyway, haven't you heard?

Understand that I am not saying you would manipulate or do such things, but I get the feeling this is happening in this situation with the OP and I know this happens time and again with many adult children.

There is something going on with this mother...the OP's mother in law...anyone who would deny the rest of her children an inheritance and give it all to one child isn't playing fair. This tells me she's a manipulator. I wouldn't move across the world for that woman for anything. But it also tells me that she probably has her hooks in deep in her son and he's hurting very deeply because of it.[/quote]

Thank you House Cat, I couldn't have summed up my feelings better. This is something similar to what the counselor said to him over 3 years ago and because she summed it up so well he has said he will never go back to counseling!

 

[asscherisme]

No, you are NOT being unreasonable. I think you would be miserable if you moved. First, you met your husband in your country when he was living there. Its not like you met him in Ireland and he is living in your country because you convinced him to. He was living there when you met.

Now here is the HUGE red flag I see and why I would be really really careful to move. And if you were my daughter I would tell you to not do it. His mother sounds HUGELY manipulative. HUGELY. The red flag I see is that she told him she would leave him EVERYTHING in her will? Really? And he is one of 6 kids, but she said she would leave him everything? if I were one of 6 kids not only would I not want that, but it would be a huge source of tension among the siblings. No parent in their right mind would leave everything in their will to one child, and let along use it as an incentive to get them to do what they want. I'm sorry, but if I were you that would prevent me from agreeing (among other things) it would be the final straw for me.

He is having "closed door discussions" with her where she is trying to guilt him to moving and then he tried to convince you based on her conversations. If she is causing this much tension from another continent away, imaging if you are in a small town.

I am from a major city in the U.S. and moved to another part of the country with my ex husband to a small town near his family. I gave up my career and family and was miserable. We ended up moving again 1,000 miles away from either one of our families (he pressured me on both moves) and even though I still felt homesick, it was so much better not being near his manipulative family.

And a word of caution if you move, nobody plans on divorce but if you do end up moving and getting divorced, you may be STUCK in that country. I don't know how divorce laws are there. I never thought I would end up divorced but things fell apart and I needed to get divorced to protect my kids. But because of the laws here, I can't move out of state with my kids. So I'm stuck here until my youngest is grown. I have made a life here and am actually happy now but it was really really hard and I would not wish It on anyone.

 

[mlk]

I think you and your husband are being reasonable. I think you MIL is the one being unreasonable. How selfish is she to basically demand that her grown son uproots his life and family? As someone mentioned early, it may be cultural.

Does you DH want to move? I mean honestly, aside from his mother's guilt trip?

Thanks amc, I agree it is selfish and even if it isn't deliberate you would still think she would realize he must be happy here and the sacrifices he would be making.

 

[mlk]

Would you believe when I got home there was a parcel waiting from MIL addressed to DH. It said "gift".

 

[mlk]

"

People of the older generation who do put this pressure on never seem to consider the effect they are having on the life of an entire family. Like House Cat said, the husband is probably hurting deeply from being pulled in two directions, when it should be understood that his marriage comes first. (We are assuming here that he is only thinking of going back to Ireland because of parental pressure.) In turn, the marriage suffers because, after marrying this man and giving birth to his children, the wife feels as if his Mommy Dearest comes in equal to or above her, and she does not have his undivided loyalty as his wife. She does not feel cherished. Those feelings are not good for the marriage. In turn, with the marriage suffering, the grandchildren's entire security and whole little world is threatened. Thanks, Grandma!.

This made me laugh, one of my mum's favorite movies was mommy dearest and I'm sure she referred to my MIL as that over the years!