Will he ever be sure and how do I proceed?

[nexi]

Long story short. Dated my (somewhat ex) boyfriend for two and a half years before we broke up because he still wasn''t sure about marrying me. Had no contact for four weeks and then starting hanging out again for a few weeks, during which he expressed that when he really starts to think he could be losing me he seems to feel more focused and clear on the future, which led me to once again initiate a no-contact that began three weeks ago. One week ago he texted me to say he was thinking of me...and I wrote back a nice but not reciprocally affectionate text. A wrinkle in the situation is that our good friends got engaged and I''m hosting a party for them and decided the appropriate thing to do was to invite him. He responded to the mass invite using our pet names and saying how hard it was to be on vacation with his family without me last week. I feel that I''m in a stuck situation where the situation is so unfinished that I will never move on or be ready to date, but unless I date someone else I will never move on. So I signed up on a dating website tonight and then got nervous about what the parameters of our break were and emailed him to set up a meeting to discuss it. Not really sure what to even discuss when we meet. I don''t know whether to ask him not be with anyone or to agree to that during the break, because maybe he needs to feel like it''s really a break and the threat of losing me is right in front of him in order to face things and finally make a decision. On the other hand, I don''t want to screw anything up by one of us moving on in a way that taints things later on. I''m also not sure how to proceed after the engagement party in terms of no contact. Just absolutely no contact for an unlimited period of time? Any advice on any of these things would be much appreciated...

 

[neatfreak]

My honest advice-move on. Truly. Unless you are 16 you are too old to be dealing with this type of behavior. If you want to get married and he doesn''t you need to make peace with that and go find someone who has the same goals as you.

If you broke up you broke up. You don''t need his permission to do anything.

 

[nexi]

I''m just not sure it''s that simple. We are not young. We are 28. But he has just now started working with a therapist on latent anxiety and conflict avoidance issues. I''m aware that plenty of people would cut and run. But I''ve spoken to enough people to know that stories unfold with an insane number of variations. We both love each other tremendously and are happy when we''re together, but he is stuck in his indecision (a plight not unknown to me, my brother has suffered from it a lot, and only now in his thirties seems to be finding his way out of it a little) and I''m just trying to figure out the best way to bring about what will hopefully be an eventual clarity even if it is not in my favor. His therapist even mentioned that he had seen plenty of these situations with a guy mired in indecision and the couple took a break to take the heat off and create some space. My question is how to navigate that space, whether to time-bind it, whether to give it any rules. As a total break-up with seeing other people. As a break with no contact but no seeing other people? Or any other combination that might come to mind.

 

[turboflgrl]

First and foremost, decide if that piece of paper and legal status of marriage is a deal breaker for you. Is he just not liking the idea of marriage itself or marriage to you? In my honest opinion, two and half years is not a huge period of time. I myself have recently gotten comfortable with the idea of marriage and I am just 3 years your junior. My boyfriend and I have dated for nearly 5 years and though it''s coming soon, I''ve personally never felt that there should be a time limit. Some people need longer than others to make such a huge commitment and that could also be part of the problem here. I also know plenty of men that think 30 is the perfect age to marry and speaking of which, I hardly think 28 is not young

If you decide to wait it out, I would go to therapy together to figure out your issues as a couple. Communication is key in any relationship and by cutting off contact, what are you really solving?

 

[monkeyprincess]

In a lot of ways, your story sounds somewhat similar to my situation. I wrote about ithis recently in response to someone asking for opinions on "breaks." (I''m 29 and he''s a few years older.)

"About this time last year, we were having problems. What it all came down to was I was ready to settle down and get married, and he wasn''t ready to give me the kind of commitment I needed. He had a different job back then that required him to work 60 hours a week and to regularly attend events during the evening. We were both tired of the bickering, and since I had no assurance he would ever be ready to settle down with me, the only healthy thing for me was to move on. He didn''t want to break up, and instead wanted to take some time to cool down, but I insisted we break up, and I really did think it was over. After about 4 months of almost no communication, we started emailing, then talking on the phone, and decided to see each other again. We took it slowly at first, and really started formally dating again. We are now on the verge of becoming engaged, and we have never been closer.
"The thing is though, the break really wasn''t what resolved our problems. When we first got back together again, things hadn''t really changed and I felt the old problems creeping up again. It was other events, including somewhat of a crisis, him changing his priorities and changing jobs and realizing that he didn''t want to risk losing me, that made our relationship strong again. And we truly are stronger than ever. I love him more than I ever could have imagined a year ago."

For me, I didn''t want to be in a limbo, so I made a clean break. And I''m really glad I did. I went on a few dates with some really decent guys. And it gave me a chance to really think about what I wanted out of a relationship. I didn''t do these things in hope of getting back together with my boyfriend. When I got back together with my boyfriend, I realized that I was back with him because I wanted to be, not because I was worried I couldn''t find someone else or because I was lonely. After hearing other people''s stories, I think we are the rare exception. Something fundamental changed in my boyfriend, a light went off, and he is really excited about being married and starting a family. I don''t think it is something that can be forced. You have to be honest with yourself. He may not be ready to settle down for some time. It is not something that can be forced. So, I guess my advice would be to cut off communication and try the online dating. IF you get back together with him, great, but if not, you wil be okay.

 

[susied]

I agree with MonkeyPrincess'' last paragraph 100%. Great insight.

I am in a 4.5 year relationship with someone very similar to your boyfriend. I am 29 and he is almost 33 - he is unable to commit but I want to be married. We tried the "break" thing back in July and didn''t speak for two weeks. It was hard, but like you, I knew it was a good thing. I too was confused about "parameters" - I was asked out by two different guys but just couldn’t do it because I didn''t know how to define what was going on with the LT boyfriend. We started talking casually after those two weeks and he seemed to have changed. He was more affectionate, more attentive, more interested. We started hanging out again, but nothing serious. I told him again a few months later that I was done and asked him not to speak to me. This freaked him out and he pleaded with me and said it would be a mistake, etc., etc. Guess what, I didn''t hold my stance and here we are (three months later) back in limbo.

Based on my experience, if you are going to take a break (which I know almost everyone considers a breakUP), do not speak to each other. If you are able to see other people in the meantime, do it. That will help you determine if you keep going back to the boyfriend because you truly want to be with him vs. just feeling comfortable and easy with him. Obviously, I don''t follow my own advice, but having done this several times now, it''s the only way to figure out what you want/need.

PS, the fact that he''s getting counseling is promising...at least he''s making an effort.

 

[nexi]

thanks so much for the responses.

turboflgrl- he has said that he isn''t sure about OUR future in particular, though when pressed, he gives sort of nebulous reasons and can''t really express or decide what are important things and what are not. close friends of ours who have spoken to him think that it''s not a question of how much he loves me or me not being right for him, but rather a function of his own issues and unreadiness manifesting as being unsure about me. that being said, when someone says they are not sure about your future, it is hard to stick it out in the hopes that it is just that they are not ready for marriage yet.

monkeyprincess- while you say the break didn''t resolve your issues, do you think the light went off for him because of the break and missing you and having time to reflect or even that was a function of your later work on the relationship? We really have not had many problems and the relationship, though rocky a year ago, for the last year has been really loving and solid, notwithstanding the issue of marriage that has been a source of stress. So I am not worried about our ability to sort through things that come up and go to counseling if need be, it really is just a question of whether and how the light can go on for him in a way that makes him comfortable about taking the next step.

My problem is also the idea of just being on a break without the purpose of getting back together with him. While that''s nice if I could do that in theory, the unfinished nature and his atittude towards us and me makes it very difficult not to feel like I''m lying to myself or others if I say I''m just moving on to move on without hopes of reconciliation. Not really sure how to grab on to that idea and actually make it meaningful.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Just a quick response to your question before I head to work, unfortunately, no, I don''t think the break is what made the "light" go off. It was other changes in his life that made him realize what he was missing out on by focusing only on work and himself. I think I would be in a cycle like Susied is if it weren''t for that. That''s why I say we''re the rare exception. It could happen to you too, but I really wouldn''t count on it. If you are content to be in a relationship without the commitment, then maybe a break is fine. But be honest with yourself. Are you comfortable waiting for him to make up his mind, knowing he may never decide he wants to be with you? If not, I think it is important to explore other options.

 

[jewelz617]

Since when is 28 not young...? I know what you were saying in context, but you have your whole life ahead of you. No point to sit around hoping to be "chosen" for marriage. If it's a deal breaker, then you need to get out of the situation and go after what you really want.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

You''re not ready for this breakup and you need a new plan. You are not even close to no contact--not only are you responding to him, you''re reaching out to him about the parameters of the breakup (you set your own parameters, not him).

No contact means no contact. I know it''s rough, but you are not going to heal unless you distance yourself from him. Every time you hear his voice, it''s just going to open up the wound. Trust me, I get it. When I left my then-boyfriend, I very seriously considered "light" contact after about a month of no contact because I cannot tell you how much I missed him. I wised up, however, and realized that it would only set me back, not help me move forward.

You say he''s in therapy, but that''s HIS journey, not yours. If he''s trying to help himself, let him help himself without meddling. He needs to do this on his own--if he needs your support to get through it then he''s not serious enough about it. If he''s truly focused on becoming healthier, he''ll do it with or without you.

Forget the dating websites for now. You don''t need to date other people to move on, you need to cut off ties with him to move on. You are not even close to being emotionally ready to date another man, you can''t even let this one go yet. It''s not fair to the other person you try to date. Here is a good litmus test for deciding if you''re ready to date: 1.) Do you still have an urge to reach out to your ex? 2.) If you found out the ex was dating, would you feel devastated? If the answer to either of these is yes, you''re not ready.

Just focus on getting stronger. Nothing has changed on his behalf (still no marriage proposal, right?) and as of now, he''s sucking you back in very easily. Trust me, this is the EASY part--ignoring him when he''s still reaching out to you is actually easier than when he stops reaching out to you altogether and there is nothing but silence. Do whatever you need to do--change your number, set up a network of family and friend to call when you feel the urge to talk with him, keep yourself very BUSY. I don''t want to sound harsh, but I don''t want you to get sucked back into this relationship with a few crumbs he throws your way and then kick yourself down the road when you''re in this situation again...it happens all the time.

 

[LilyKat]

I agree with everyone who has said you need a completely clean break. As in a break UP.

Four weeks of intermittent contact is nowhere near enough of a break for any changes to have been made. If you carry on like this, you'll fall back together and NOTHING will have changed. Same problems, same deadlock.

My honest opinion is that if you do want even the possibility of things working out between you in the future, you need to make a proper (no-contact, for several months at least) break now, let him work through his therapy and issues, let yourself get your self-esteem and strength back as an individual, and THEN you'll be in a position to re-evaluate with a clear mind.