Why do men hang onto the ring??

[Dreamer_D]

So my BIL has the diamond and the ring all paid for and everything for over two months... but he has not proposed!

His gf has been a LIW for almost 9 years, they have been dating since they were teenagers. She wants to be engaged so badly, but he is makig her wait. They just bought a house together and I know that he loves her and wants to be with her forever. So what gives? But what is he waiting for?

Any ideas? Is your bf holding onto a ring waiting to propose? Did he hang onto it for a while before proposing? Whyyyyyy???? Please enlighten me!

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

Maybe he has an elaborate proposal he''s planning?

 

[Blair138]

Date: 12/29/2009 4:10:05 PM
Author: Resonance.Of.Life
Maybe he has an elaborate proposal he''s planning?

That would be my thinking but DD-I hear ya-Especially after the fact that you mentioned his GF has been a LIW for 9 YEARS! He better get on it and FAST!

 

[TooPatient]

Maybe he has a special day in mind?


Could you talk with him and see what he is planning? If he has an idea that he is working on he might like to have some help. And if he hasn''t really thought about it then he needs to GET TO IT.
9 years is a long time for her to wait. She has been very patient and the wait is probably killing her -- especially if she knows he has it.

 

[trillionaire]

there are several threads about this, but I know my FI waited for a year after having the ring. He wanted to talk to my dad in person before he proposed, which he did 5 months after getting the ring, and then he proposed at my family reunion which was 7 months later. Though I loved my unique and special proposal, in my mind, it would be WAY more romantic if he couldn''t wait to give it to me. But I love that he put so much thought into it, and that he wanted to include my family in the special event.

Bottom line, men and women think about these things differently.

 

[monkeyprincess]

It really depends on the guy. Maybe he is not quite ready to do it yet, or has a date in mind like others have suggested, maybe he hasn't decided on how to do it yet. In my case, I'm almost positive my boyfriend has a ring for me, and probably has for awhile, but he hasn't proposed yet. He told me in early December that he thought holiday proposals were "tacky" and he was going to wait until afterward. I don't agree with him that it is tacky, but that is his reasoning for waiting. Does she know he has the ring? I wish guys could understand how our brains work. Once we know about an impending engagement, we just want it to happen and think about it all the time! My guy knows it is going to happen, and that is enough for him, so he couldn't be more relaxed. Ugh!

 

[LilyKat]

Covering all possibilities, in descending order of worthiness:

Because he loves his girlfriend so much that he wants to give her the most perfect, romantic proposal in the history of the universe, at the most perfect time, because dangit, she deserves it.

Because society piles so much pressure on these poor men to live up to an impossible standard of movie-screen romance, and he's terrified of getting it wrong.

Because he loves her but on some level, he's scared of saying goodbye to his bachelorhood.

Because he's having genuine second thoughts.

Because he's a slimeball who enjoys the power trip.

Take your pick

 

[princesss]

I don''t know, but it drives me bonkers!

 

[lilyfoot]

I''m afraid I''m no help .. FI could only wait 3 days after he got the ring

Anyways, the only thing I can think of is that he is waiting for a special day?

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/29/2009 5:39:01 PM
Author: LilyKat
Covering all possibilities, in descending order of worthiness:

Because he loves his girlfriend so much that he wants to give her the most perfect, romantic proposal in the history of the universe, at the most perfect time, because dangit, she deserves it.

Because society piles so much pressure on these poor men to live up to an impossible standard of movie-screen romance, and he''s terrified of getting it wrong.

Because he loves her but on some level, he''s scared of saying goodbye to his bachelorhood.

Because he''s having genuine second thoughts.

Because he''s a slimeball who enjoys the power trip.

Take your pick

I think this list just about covers all the possibilities!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Haha, my hubby didn''t have this problem. Once he decided it was time, he went out, got the ring, and proposed all in little over 2 weeks.

He might be waiting for an anniversary or significant date? Or a date he can easily remember, haha. That was my hubby''s reasoning for proposing on HIS birthday, he said "Well, this way I won''t forget the date, and it''s harder for you to say No because it''s my birthday and you have to be nice to me".

 

[acebruin]

i might be able to speak for the men here... i bought the center stone months before i set it into her ER... then it was at least 3 to 4 months before i actually proposed... my reasons were i was waiting for a special date and i was planning a special day for my soon-to-be-wife back then... trust me, men have huge egos and they want everything to be perfect for the ladies... my advice is be patient and when the day comes it will be very special... a day where she will remember and treasure for the rest of her life!

 

[kittybean]

I guess I understand some of the reasons, but if I were a man, I wouldn''t wait long to propose after I had the ring. I am not patient at all. My DH had the ring for about 48 hours before he proposed, and he said he thought that was too long! He had been researching rings and planning the proposal for a few months, though.

My cousin, on the other hand, dated his lovely bride for ten years before he proposed. They met during their freshman year of college. He held onto the ring for an entire year before he proposed, and for most of the time, it was in his pocket. I guess he must have been waiting for the right moment, but there are many, many possibilities for a great moment in a whole year! She said yes, but she told him later that the proposal was a little marred for her because she had become so frustrated and sad about their relationship over that year--they had talked so often about marriage, and she was sure he was going to ask her soon, but one day, he just clammed up and didn''t mention it anymore. Clearly, he didn''t want to ruin the "surprise proposal," but she thought that maybe he was having second thoughts. She was even considering asking him for a break so that he could sort out his feelings about marrying her (or not). I still have no idea why he waited so long, but I''m happy it worked out in the end.

Guys, if you''re reading this, please realize that women do not necessarily want or need the big, staged, fancy proposal. Many of my friends have been totally swept off their feet by their now-husbands'' proposals in the car or on a random Tuesday at home on the couch. They are really proud to tell everyone that he couldn''t wait to propose once that ring was in his possession and that they were truly surprised when it happened. No reason to hang onto that ring any longer than you have to!

 

[4ever]

My BF has had the ring since Feb this year and if it were up to him, it would have been on my finger soon after.

Unfortunatly, our situation changed, bf left his job and due to the resession took a longer time then expected to find a new job and also had to take a lower pay then he had expected. I, being a full time uni student, couldn't contribute to living expences but my parents genourously let us live together at their house till we could afford to move out. I told BF I would be very uncomfortable being engadged and living at my parents house and felt we needed to be more independant as a couple before we took the next step. He reluctantly agreed so now we are waiting for me to find a job (as I have now finnished uni) so we can afford our own place. 'Till then, the ring stays in it's box, hidden in our room at my parents house.

 

[Luckyeshe]

LuckyesheFSIL has also been LIW for about 8 years and they''ve been together since high school as well. My brother has the ring and everything has been good to go since Thanksgiving, but no go as of yet. I''m hoping he''ll pop the question next year instead of 2011...

 

[Dreamer_D]

I guess to me, there is no legitimate reason to wait in a situation like they are in.

She wants to be engaged so badly, as do many women who are LIWs for a long time I suspect, and he knows that. I think she would not care one little bit about a big special thing, and knowing him that isn''t going to happen anyways. Yet he waits. I guess it puzzles me because it seems *mean*. It is a power trip to me. Maybe not in his conscious thoughts -- "Oh now I have power Muahahaha" -- but in actual fact. She wants something from him, he has the power to grant it or not, and chooses not. They live together, he bought the ring, the jig is up. They are committed! To wait just seems so cruel.

I suppose the saving grace here is that she does not know he has the ring. He actually purchased a diamond from us, a lovely little .60ct F that I had for a short time as a pendant. He picked a lovely setting for it with my DH''s help. We will never mention ever that the diamond was ours, not that she would mind but it should feel more special. Anyways, that is the only reason we know he has it at all. He is very secretive.

Oh, and my DH didn''t wait 1 hour from the time he got the ring until the time be proposed and I bless his eager heart every day for it!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I don''t know. I never heard of anyone doing this in real life. Most people I know who are married or engaged made a mutual decision to marry, then got a ring. I don''t get it.

 

[softly softly]

Dreamer I don''t get it either. In cases like you just described it seems cruel and unnecessary. Like Mrs Mitchell described, my husband and I came to a mutal decision that we wanted to get married and we chose the ring after the proposal. Lest we sound too detached and clinical, I will say he did make me wait an extra couple of weeks while he figured out how he wanted to propose, and I did enjoy being surprised and was touched by the effort he put into it.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Part of me wishes we had chosen the ring together, but there's also a part of me that knows that I probably would have been too cheap about it since at that time I really wasn't comfortable spending that much money on a diamond ring. So I guess in the end things worked out well (I get a gorgeous diamond, he gets to beam with pride, and I get no guilt!).

I'm just curious, does BIL's gf know he's going to propose? I ask because even though my ring and proposal were a complete surprise, I definitely 100% knew we were going to be engaged and married in the relatively near future. We had all the talks and we both knew it was coming soon. I think if she knows it's going to happen in the next few months, it's not so bad? It seems like if that's the case then he might just be waiting for a perfect moment for a proposal as opposed to keeping her in the dark about the engagement itself.

 

[treefrog]

Date: 12/29/2009 5:39:01 PM
Author: LilyKat
Covering all possibilities, in descending order of worthiness:

Because he loves his girlfriend so much that he wants to give her the most perfect, romantic proposal in the history of the universe, at the most perfect time, because dangit, she deserves it.

Because society piles so much pressure on these poor men to live up to an impossible standard of movie-screen romance, and he''s terrified of getting it wrong.

Because he loves her but on some level, he''s scared of saying goodbye to his bachelorhood.

Because he''s having genuine second thoughts.

Because he''s a slimeball who enjoys the power trip.

Take your pick

I like the way you think LilyKat. That is probably very close to accurate. I know there was a post here recently about a guy that had a ring and asked for permission but was told to wait or something. He asked again some time later and received permission. All that time, the GF knew he had the ring and thought he was just procrastinating. Yet, in reality, he was working hard towards receiving her father''s blessing. (It was a fairly recent post and I apologize if I got some facts not quite perfect but I think that summary is very close to accurate.)

Unless the man has the money and wants to buy the ring earlier than he is ready, there is generally a very good reason he is waiting. Patience ladies, patience. We are dealing with a lot:
Should I?
Shouldn''t I?
Could she say no?
Am I crazy?
Do I need to ask permission from her father? How? When? Where? How can I do it without you knowing?
What if her parents are no longer together? Do I need to ask both? When? Where? How?
What kind of proposal would be best?
I''ll never hear the end of it if I miss some element she has dreamed of yet I never even knew about so I better get it right.
When should I propose? Does she care? Does it need to be some sort of landmark date?
What if I fumble some step?
What if any element of the proposal doesn''t work? Do I have all possible contingency plans covered?
Should she pick out the ring with me?
Should it be a total surprise?
Who should I tell? Who can I tell? Who may let the cat out of the bag?
.
.
.

I can go on and on but really, LilyKat covers it quite well with her top two worthy reasons. Ladies, please read through several pages in the Proposal Ideas forum if you truly want to see how men think once we even make it to the "I need to plan this out" stage.

Treefrog

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:54:45 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I guess to me, there is no legitimate reason to wait in a situation like they are in.

She wants to be engaged so badly, as do many women who are LIWs for a long time I suspect, and he knows that. I think she would not care one little bit about a big special thing, and knowing him that isn''t going to happen anyways. Yet he waits. I guess it puzzles me because it seems *mean*. It is a power trip to me. Maybe not in his conscious thoughts -- ''Oh now I have power Muahahaha'' -- but in actual fact. She wants something from him, he has the power to grant it or not, and chooses not. They live together, he bought the ring, the jig is up. They are committed! To wait just seems so cruel.

I agree, it does seem mean, and also like a powertrip (though maybe not a "purposeful" one).

Even though they live together, and he has the ring, he may still not be ready to propose .. I''m sure I don''t have to tell you, but there are ladies on this board whose guys held onto the ring for a year or more

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Unless he''s got a huge over the top proposal planned (or is waiting to ask permission/a blessing in person) I think it is probably an unconscious powertrip and maybe a little fear of commitment/isn''t totally sure he wants to get married.

My best friend''s college roommate was dying to be engaged. She and her boyfriend had been dating for 4 years and she was really stressed that they weren''t engaged. It turns out he''d had the ring for A YEAR in his dresser drawer and didn''t tell anyone. I think he had some doubts (compounded by her not being engaged freakouts

) and it took him a long time.

My DH had the ring for about 2 months but he was working on a big proposal scenario and wanted to ask for my dad''s blessing in person.

 

[acebruin]

i dunno what their situation is... it might be unconscious power trip as some of you put it, but i don''t think he looks at it that way... men are from mars, women are from venus... hope he pops the question soon...

 

[Blackpaw]

in this case it does seem mean...

I get the feeling my SO will hang onto the ring (when we eventually get one) until a moment...or more likely a holiday...he has planned.

But if he were to hold onto it for ages only to propose in a manner that didnt require the wait, well i wouldnt be happy, and would be obliged to make him suffer for the rest of our engaged/married life

 

[Blackpaw]

That being said i would still prefer a little romance you know...something semi-planned i think...

As so says (to mock me): ''Its MY surprise engagement and we''ll do it MY way''

 

[monkeyprincess]

I agree, something semi-planned and thoughtful, but not elaborate is what I''m hoping for. Because I already know he is going to propose and we looked at rings together, I like the idea of him thinking something up and not just giving me the ring right when he got it. I also agree that if he ends up just handing me the ring after hanging onto it for a couple months, I will be a bit annoyed.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 12/30/2009 8:17:18 AM
Author: treefrog

Unless the man has the money and wants to buy the ring earlier than he is ready, there is generally a very good reason he is waiting. Patience ladies, patience. We are dealing with a lot:
Should I?
Shouldn''t I?
Could she say no?
Am I crazy?
Do I need to ask permission from her father? How? When? Where? How can I do it without you knowing?
What if her parents are no longer together? Do I need to ask both? When? Where? How?
What kind of proposal would be best?
I''ll never hear the end of it if I miss some element she has dreamed of yet I never even knew about so I better get it right.
When should I propose? Does she care? Does it need to be some sort of landmark date?
What if I fumble some step?
What if any element of the proposal doesn''t work? Do I have all possible contingency plans covered?
Should she pick out the ring with me?
Should it be a total surprise?
Who should I tell? Who can I tell? Who may let the cat out of the bag?

lol... The OP says they''ve been together almost 9 years - I''d love to be a fly on the wall if he uses that excuse for making her wait for the proposal. Having said that, if she''s waited this long then I guess a little longer won''t hurt - unless she''s planning to dump him because she''s sick of waiting

 

[treefrog]

Date: 12/31/2009 7:48:56 AM
Author: Londongirl1

lol... The OP says they''ve been together almost 9 years - I''d love to be a fly on the wall if he uses that excuse for making her wait for the proposal. Having said that, if she''s waited this long then I guess a little longer won''t hurt - unless she''s planning to dump him because she''s sick of waiting

My list was a general list of things that may go through our minds. In this particular case, 9 years without some sort of decision one way or another seems absurd to me unless they started dating when they were 9.

If I were a fly on the wall when somepody tried that reason after 9 years... I''d be a messy splat!

Treefrog

 

[bee*]

My DH had the ring for almost three months before he proposed, reason being that he was planning a trip to Barcelona for us as a surprise and he wanted to propose there. It was perfect and I wouldn''t change anything (we were also together for 8 years when we got engaged). Hopefully that''s what''s happening in your BIL''s situation.

 

[Dandi]

DH picked my Ering up on NYE 2004, and told several people, who all expected him to propose that night. He didn''t, and waited about 7 weeks to ask me, he didn''t want it to be too predictable or ''cliche'', for want of a better word. I, personally, would have loved to have been engaged on NYE surrounded by our friends! Anyhoo...

Funny thing is, he proposed on the front of the newspaper on Valentine''s Day

Clishe I guess, but toally not his style, which is why I loved it!! Not predictable because I have never been a fan of Valentine''s Day and he knew that, so NEVER thought I''d wait in anguish for VDay proposal, and it was definitely different, with his smiling moosh on the front page!