Who wrote your thank you notes?

[wyndham]

You? Your husband? How did you decide who would write them, was there a discussion or did one person just write them?

 

[iheartscience]

He wrote his family and friends and I wrote my family and friends. I had to write a lot more than him because I have a huge family but I didn''t mind. It just made sense to write to our own relatives/friends. We signed both of our names, of course.

If one of the newlyweds isn''t working or something I can see one person writing them all, but otherwise it seems unfair not to split them up.

 

[Haven]

I wrote all of them. We didn''t even need to discuss it, he''s not much of a writer and I am.

 

[elrohwen]

I sat down with our list and put DH''s initials next to the ones I thought he might want to write. I agreed to do his relatives if he didn''t feel like it, because I''m off work for a bit and have a lot of time. But I did think he would want to write more personalized cards to his roommates from college (I''m friends with them too, but there''s nothing like bro-mance

).

I don''t mind doing them because I''m home all day now, but also because my handwriting is far prettier

 

[hlpkaixin3344]

I wrote all but one (32), as I thought my husband should write the one to his best man so he could include a thank you for the bachelor party. I got mine out 11 days after the wedding (and we didn''t even open the gifts until returning from our week-long honeymoon!), but he still hasn''t sent his!

 

[musey]

Date: 10/22/2009 2:53:51 PM
Author: Haven
I wrote all of them. We didn''t even need to discuss it, he''s not much of a writer and I am.

Ditto. I think if I hadn''t done it myself and waited around for him to think of it, there would never have been any ty notes!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 10/22/2009 4:19:30 PM
Author: musey

Date: 10/22/2009 2:53:51 PM
Author: Haven
I wrote all of them. We didn''t even need to discuss it, he''s not much of a writer and I am.

Ditto. I think if I hadn''t done it myself and waited around for him to think of it, there would never have been any ty notes!

Ditto Haven and Musey.

 

[wyndham]

Date: 10/22/2009 4:27:19 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 10/22/2009 4:19:30 PM
Author: musey

Date: 10/22/2009 2:53:51 PM
Author: Haven
I wrote all of them. We didn't even need to discuss it, he's not much of a writer and I am.

Ditto. I think if I hadn't done it myself and waited around for him to think of it, there would never have been any ty notes!

Ditto Haven and Musey.

This is my exact situation -- I'd like for him to at least write the notes to his close friends and his relatives, but I have a feeling that they'll never get done if I wait for that to happen! When I ask my husband to write some of 'his', he says "I don't feel like it now; they'll get done at some point." It's already four weeks after our wedding, so I'm starting to feel pressure to get these all in the mail but he doesn't seem to care if they're ever written / sent.

So for those of you ladies who just went ahead and wrote all of them...did you mind doing them? I find them so tedious because I'm writing full notes to each person and they're taking me forever. If you didn't like doing them but did them all anyway, did your husband do anything for you in return? Extra chores while you wrote TY notes? Flowers? Cooking dinner? I know this is kind of bratty, but it doesn't seem right for me to write 200 notes and him to write zero simply because he never FEELS like writing TY notes...it's not like I love them!

I guess I'm just looking for a little advice on how to A) just accept it and write them all myself, or B) motivate my husband to write at least SOME of our notes.

Thanks!!

 

[Kaleigh]

I wrote all of them, didn''t know their was a choice in the matter, but that was 23 years ago....

 

[CNOS128]

For the gifts we received before the wedding, I wrote the notes. But for the gifts we received at the wedding and afterward we split them (he wrote to his friends and family, I to mine). My MIL was appalled that I ''made'' my husband write thank-you notes.

 

[Blair138]

Me, I have prettier handwriting and I just signed his name, but I had more time since it was summer and I was on break

 

[Haven]

I didn''t mind writing them, but I love writing notes!

 

[musey]

Date: 10/22/2009 5:35:02 PM
Author: wyndham
So for those of you ladies who just went ahead and wrote all of them...did you mind doing them? I find them so tedious because I'm writing full notes to each person and they're taking me forever.

I didn't mind very much, it made me feel good to write little notes to each person that put in the effort for us and our wedding. I also didn't have all that many to write, I think maybe 50-60 total? Including the shower stuff.

If you didn't like doing them but did them all anyway, did your husband do anything for you in return? Extra chores while you wrote TY notes? Flowers? Cooking dinner? I know this is kind of bratty, but it doesn't seem right for me to write 200 notes and him to write zero simply because he never FEELS like writing TY notes...it's not like I love them!

I guess I'm just looking for a little advice on how to A) just accept it and write them all myself, or B) motivate my husband to write at least SOME of our notes.

Thanks!!

If it really bugs you, tell him that it bugs you. This is a great way to break in your honesty-within-the-marriage

If you mind doing it, it's his job to split it with you. Tell him that it's already getting quite late to be sending them out (I think that that's actually true, but what do I know), and that they needed to be done yesterday.

It sucks when our guys put us in the position of having to be bossy. Tell him you hate that, too.

 

[havernell]

Date: 10/22/2009 5:35:02 PM
Author: wyndham

So for those of you ladies who just went ahead and wrote all of them...did you mind doing them? I find them so tedious because I'm writing full notes to each person and they're taking me forever. If you didn't like doing them but did them all anyway, did your husband do anything for you in return? Extra chores while you wrote TY notes? Flowers? Cooking dinner? I know this is kind of bratty, but it doesn't seem right for me to write 200 notes and him to write zero simply because he never FEELS like writing TY notes...it's not like I love them!

I guess I'm just looking for a little advice on how to A) just accept it and write them all myself, or B) motivate my husband to write at least SOME of our notes.

Like the first poster, I wrote the notes to my family and friends and my husband wrote to his family/friends. Neither one of us liked writing them, but clearly they have to get done.

The way we motivated ourselves to do them was to say to each other "Okay, we are going to sit down after dinner on Tuesday for two hours and write thank you notes together." Kind of like making a pact with each other to clear our schedules and make note writing a priority during that time. So, I would try that with your husband. If you make a plan in advance to write them together, it's harder for him to try to weasel out of it once your agreed upon time for thank you note writing comes.

Definitely don't just write them all yourself if you don't want to. Starting a marriage resenting your partner over something like that isn't good. Tell him honestly that you don't "feel" like writing them either but that not getting the notes sent is a poor reflection on both of you as adults, and then set a time to write them together!

Good luck!

 

[KimberlyH]

I wrote then amd enjoyed doing so. I don''t think we even discussed it, I just handed them over for him to sign when I was done.

 

[noelwr]

I wrote all of ours, as it was my idea to send them out in the first place. he would have been ok with not sending out any. I did ask his input for one. and he had to tell me who gave us gifts as on our wedding night he opened up all the present. if he had waited and let me do it, I would have kept a list of who gave us what, but now that we don''t know exactly which couple gave us which gift I wrote on the card "Thank you for the gift."

on cards for our family and friends I wrote about specific things I remembered about the wedding and them. like I thanked my sisters-in-law for helping me out of my dress or telling them how their necklace was beautiful. for people I didn''t really know (like his parents'' friends) I wrote the same thing on each card "So lovely to have you there with us on our special day. Super to be surrounded by such a loving family and our closest friends" yadda yadda. it''s mostly the thought that counts.

I wouldn''t get angry at your husband about this. he just doesn''t think it''s important like you do, and there''s no way you can force him. nor does he see it as a chore for you (because the way guys think is that if you REALLY didn''t want to do it, you just wouldn''t), so don''t expect him to do something in return. these are one of the things I would just say suck it up and do it yourself. there will be more important things to argue about, I''m sure.

 

[NovemberBride]

For both our engagement party and wedding, we split them evenly. DH did his family and friends and I did mine. Unless one person really enjoys writing thank yous (and I think there are very few such people out there), I don''t see any reason why the wife should have to write them all. Then again, I am not a big believer in typical women''s roles either and married a man who feels the same. I basically told my DH that it''s proper etiquette to send a thank you promptly after receipt of a gift, gave him his half of the list and a pile of cards and he sent his off without complaint. Actually, he finished his half before I finished mine. I did write all the thank yous for the showers myself, because those gifts weren''t technically addressed to DH.

 

[jstarfireb]

I did - he pulled the bad handwriting card and refused to write any except the ones for his immediate family (which was like pulling teeth, but I wouldn''t budge on that). It wasn''t a big problem since my side was much bigger than his, so I decided to pick my battles and let this one go.

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/22/2009 2:53:51 PM
Author: Haven
I wrote all of them. We didn''t even need to discuss it, he''s not much of a writer and I am.

ditto. We originally were going to split them so I''d do my family/friends and for D to do his. I did all of mine and he hadn''t done any of his so I said I''d do them and in return he said that he''d go down and buy all of the stamps and post them. I knew that if I did them they would be done properly and a nice little note about the gift that the person gave etc would be mentioned, however if D had done them I''m not sure if that would have happened!!

 

[mimzy]

i did my friends and family and DH did his - my handwriting is just as bad as his and i gave him an 'example' thank you card to go from so he had an idea of all the things to include in one. neither of us were super excited to write them, and frankly there was no way on earth that i was going to write all of his when he is a competent adult capable of forming coherent sentences! we were both equally busy and we did the same thing that havernell did, sat down together in a designated amount of time and wrote them out. there was no discussion, it's just the way it was going to be!

I agree that if it bothers you that he's putting the burden on you to write all of his then you definitely need to say something and make him step up. just because you are the girl it doesn't mean that it's your "job" to write them all. they were his guests, his gifts, his duty to send them out. Those guests that were invited by him and have known him for a long time, while i'm sure they would appreciate the note from you as well, would really like hearing from him personally.

 

[kittybean]

I wrote most of the thank-yous for gifts we received before the wedding, mostly because I had more time and better handwriting than DH. After the wedding, he wrote the ones to his friends and family, and I wrote the ones to mine. I think I had the harder job--I had to write most of mine in another language that uses a different alphabet! DH didn''t mind pitching in at all, and he always seemed to have something clever and witty to say about the gifts.

 

[katamari]

Ours just showed up in the mail Saturday. I am thinking about offering to do it in exchange for other tasks I don''t want to do that I would find less desirable.

 

[vespergirl]

Is this question a joke? I have yet to hear of a husband who takes care of family obligation correspondence. So, it was me.

 

[Octavia]

We''re sharing them roughly equally -- he''s writing to the people he knows better, I''m writing to the people I know better, and we''re both signing all the cards. He never for a moment assumed that I''d be doing all of them. (Good for him, because he''d have had another think coming...)

 

[swimmer]

I did the notes from the showers, but any from DH''s friends and relatives beyond that were all him. I wrote some templates out for him (he is not a great writer) and when boxes arrived we actually got to the point where we laughed at the one who had to write the note. We are partners so we share both joys and chores. I''m not certain why in an age of dual incomes and split household responsibilities this responsibility still falls to the woman. My husband is literate and has no hand injuries; lots of gifts came from his relatives that I had never met, (weird gifts I might add, some I''m still not sure what they are), those were allllll him.

 

[wyndham]

Date: 10/27/2009 12:41:47 PM
Author: vespergirl
Is this question a joke? I have yet to hear of a husband who takes care of family obligation correspondence. So, it was me.

No, the question wasn''t a joke.

Given the variety of the responses on this page, I don''t think it''s safe to assume that in this day and age, the woman will ALWAYS handle thank you notes...or "family obligation correspondence", as you call it.

Both my husband and I have busy careers...if one of us weren''t working, I think it might be nice for that person to write all of the thank you notes while the other is at work (sounds like your current situation, Elrohwen!). But if both partners have equal career commitments, I don''t think it''s a "joke'''' to suggest that a modern couple might split the responsibility of writing thank you notes for shared wedding gifts.

 

[jjdav]

I did. Hubby''s argument was he has terrible handwriting and threw in the story that one of his college professors told him, ''if I didn''t know you, looking at just your handwriting, I would have thought you were brain damaged''

I wrote out the ones for my friends/family pretty quickly and just told him what I was going write for his and got his opinion that way.

 

[wyndham]

Date: 10/22/2009 9:53:17 PM
Author: havernell

Like the first poster, I wrote the notes to my family and friends and my husband wrote to his family/friends. Neither one of us liked writing them, but clearly they have to get done.


The way we motivated ourselves to do them was to say to each other ''Okay, we are going to sit down after dinner on Tuesday for two hours and write thank you notes together.'' Kind of like making a pact with each other to clear our schedules and make note writing a priority during that time. So, I would try that with your husband. If you make a plan in advance to write them together, it''s harder for him to try to weasel out of it once your agreed upon time for thank you note writing comes.


Definitely don''t just write them all yourself if you don''t want to. Starting a marriage resenting your partner over something like that isn''t good. Tell him honestly that you don''t ''feel'' like writing them either but that not getting the notes sent is a poor reflection on both of you as adults, and then set a time to write them together!


Good luck!

Havernell, thank you so much for this advice -- you were right on re: my situation. I discussed it with my husband and told him I didn''t mind splitting the notes 70/30, but that it was important to me that he write the notes to his relatives and family friends that I don''t know. We''ve set aside a little bit of time each night to write our notes, and now we only have about 20 left total! I can''t believe we''ve already written 180 notes...sharing the task has certainly made it seem more manageable to me.

Thank you to everyone who wrote in...it was great to see the variety of responses!

Cheers to being (almost!) done writing thank you notes!

 

[havernell]

Oh good! I''m glad to be of some help. Yes, getting through the task together is much easier than doing it alone begrudgingly.

Thanks for your response to the "is this a joke" post. You answered it in a much less snarky way than I would have. I don''t think it''s right to assume that anything (save for giving birth) is restricted to one gender or another these days. If one couple wants to uphold more traditional gender roles, then that''s their prerogative, but to assume every couple upholds those same roles is silly (and frankly dangerous to modern society).

Like others have said, my husband benefited equally from our wedding gifts, he has the ability to write, and we both have busy work lives. So, why shouldn''t we share in note writing just like we share in the other obligations in our lives like cooking, cleaning the house paying the bills, etc...

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We both did them. I made a date with him and we sat at the kitchen table. I started and wrote out the names and a brief note to everyone and signed my name. He then also wrote a brief note and signed his name. This way I made sure that all gifts (if any) were mentioned and that their presence at our wedding was acknowledged.

He was great about it once we got started (but he did grumble initially) and I was very touched that he wrote my Godparents and parents cards in Spanish (I helped with some spelling)!

I think it''s extremely unfair to expect only the bride to write them (I wrote all the ones for the bridal shower and the bachelorette) and besides it was very sweet to read his notes once he was done. He referenced inside jokes to his friends, wrote his family lovely notes that I would never have thought of and I think that people will really appreciate knowing that BOTH of us recognize their support.

Just my .02