who is most likely to cheat.....a married man or a married woman?
- Thread starter Dancing Fire
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to cheat??....they will find the time .Date: 6/13/2008 9:36:47 PM
Author: canuk-gal
HI:
For goodness sakes, who has time???
That said, I''ll collect some data
and get back to ya.....
cheers--Sharon
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i know what your thinking.
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My husband and I have volunteered our time for the last eight years to a group that helps marriages that have experienced a crisis and are on the verge of divorce, to heal, rebuild and be strengthened. It''s been our experience and the experience of our group worldwide that the most common crisis (80%) suffered in marriage is that of infidelity. In our personal experience with hurting couples, it''s more than 90% men and less than 10% of women who stray from their commitment to their spouse.
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From a very big global perspective: I would not even hazard a guess.
The problem is that sexual beliefs and what is considered "cheating" (if their even is such a thing as cheating) is very different across the many cultures. So often, people in America think that their way - their beliefs - are the standard upon which the world should be judged. So often, people do not take the time to really ask what is normal elsewhere.
I do know that the concept of pure monogamy in marriage seems to be most prevalent in North America as a cultural standard. So many people claim that it is a "Christian" belief - but you will find no supporting evidence (and lot of contradicting evidence) of that in the Bible.
There are parts of the world where a relatively balanced number of people form family groups. That has real advantages in the case of serious injury, illness, or death of an adult as the group raises the kids - or the group helps the stricken person.
There are only a couple hundred million people in America. There many billions in other parts of the world. That combined with the fact that people tend to enjoy sex in many cultures makes the answer to DF''s question more on the line of pure speculation if it is to be considered outside of any small cultural group.
Now if the only the North American WASP group over the age of 50 is considered. I think it can be answered.
However, I also wonder - who cares and does it really matter.
Perry
The problem is that sexual beliefs and what is considered "cheating" (if their even is such a thing as cheating) is very different across the many cultures. So often, people in America think that their way - their beliefs - are the standard upon which the world should be judged. So often, people do not take the time to really ask what is normal elsewhere.
I do know that the concept of pure monogamy in marriage seems to be most prevalent in North America as a cultural standard. So many people claim that it is a "Christian" belief - but you will find no supporting evidence (and lot of contradicting evidence) of that in the Bible.
There are parts of the world where a relatively balanced number of people form family groups. That has real advantages in the case of serious injury, illness, or death of an adult as the group raises the kids - or the group helps the stricken person.
There are only a couple hundred million people in America. There many billions in other parts of the world. That combined with the fact that people tend to enjoy sex in many cultures makes the answer to DF''s question more on the line of pure speculation if it is to be considered outside of any small cultural group.
Now if the only the North American WASP group over the age of 50 is considered. I think it can be answered.
However, I also wonder - who cares and does it really matter.
Perry
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You are absolutely right, of course. On the other hand, we discuss many topics here that have very little global significance and actually very few that do. Some of the threads with the most global significance are those with the fewest subscribers. The one on the earthquake in China and the cyclone in Myanmar has been responded two twice or three times. The one on "Dancing with the Stars" runs to pages, I believe. We do not exist as a forum where people come to sate their need for meaningful discussion or for philanthropy, even though many individuals who post here are thoughtful and philanthropical.
We are a community that informs about diamonds and other gems and that also supports its long-time members through real life crises and blessed events and helps to entertain them. Some of us, like you, Perry, also discuss serious topics here. We are the exceptions, however.
You are, in my opinion, the most thoughtful poster on the forum. No one else I know takes the time that you do to write out thorough opinions on social issues and to stick with a discussion once he has engaged in one. I know that I do not have your patience and usually drop out of a social or political debate long before you do. (And when I say, "debate" I mean a thread in which there is a serious exchange of ideas taking place, a thread that demands one's time and thought, not just a thread in which people are just exchanging insults.)
You lead by the power of example, but not everyone is going to be able to live up to the standard that you set. Keep posting, dear friend, and keep the bar high!
Deb
Linda W
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Read Lisa''s response to me (Kaleigh)
Dancing Fire likes to see us all riled up ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love to read Dancing Fire''s posts. He makes my day and gives me a good laugh. I hope I get the chance to meet him in person one day.
Ya hear that DF, you only live one hour from hubby and I!!!!
Linda
Dancing Fire likes to see us all riled up ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love to read Dancing Fire''s posts. He makes my day and gives me a good laugh. I hope I get the chance to meet him in person one day.
Ya hear that DF, you only live one hour from hubby and I!!!!
Linda
trillionaire
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This is a nice anecdote... but I wonder if there is not selection bias happening. It may be that women whose husbands cheat are more likely to seek relationship counseling, than similar couples where the wife cheated on the man. I think that men and women might have different perceptions of the social stigma of infidelity. Do you hear that born out in your discussions at all?
diamondfan
Super_Ideal_Rock
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DF, I say, if there is a will there is a way. Men AND women who wish to do it can manage to find a way.
People are very resourceful and creative.
To me, women cheat out of emotional lacking, most of the time. Hubby does not notice them anymore, or is too busy, does not compliment them, etc.
Men often just like the conquest. I know men with lovely wives, men who have healthy sex lives, yet still want to cheat. No compelling reason, it is just there and they can.
Of course that is the most simplistic angle. There are other times when the issues are more complex...
People are very resourceful and creative.
To me, women cheat out of emotional lacking, most of the time. Hubby does not notice them anymore, or is too busy, does not compliment them, etc.
Men often just like the conquest. I know men with lovely wives, men who have healthy sex lives, yet still want to cheat. No compelling reason, it is just there and they can.
Of course that is the most simplistic angle. There are other times when the issues are more complex...
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Date: 6/14/2008 11:43:55 AM
Author: AGBF
You are absolutely right, of course. On the other hand, we discuss many topics here that have very little global significance and actually very few that do. Some of the threads with the most global significance are those with the fewest subscribers. The one on the earthquake in China and the cyclone in Myanmar has been responded two twice or three times. The one on 'Dancing with the Stars' runs to pages, I believe. We do not exist as a forum where people come to sate their need for meaningful discussion or for philanthropy, even though many individuals who post here are thoughtful and philanthropical.
We are a community that informs about diamonds and other gems and that also supports its long-time members through real life crises and blessed events and helps to entertain them. Some of us, like you, Perry, also discuss serious topics here. We are the exceptions, however.
You are, in my opinion, the most thoughtful poster on the forum. No one else I know takes the time that you do to write out thorough opinions on social issues and to stick with a discussion once he has engaged in one. I know that I do not have your patience and usually drop out of a social or political debate long before you do. (And when I say, 'debate' I mean a thread in which there is a serious exchange of ideas taking place, a thread that demands one's time and thought, not just a thread in which people are just exchanging insults.)
You lead by the power of example, but not everyone is going to be able to live up to the standard that you set. Keep posting, dear friend, and keep the bar high!
Deb
Deb:
You are right about all the things - and why they are discussed - on this forum. You are right that others have the right to discuss them.
Thanks for the complement, and for support, and for the message as well.
I'm looking forward to the days when I can again take the time to engage in a significant debate. You are correct about how much time it takes to write the post and engage in the debates.
As far as this thread: As stated above DF likes to toss these threads out there just to see how people react.
As for the subject of the thread - My personal opinion is along this line:
I am not the youngest on this forum - not by far. I have seen many families utterly torn apart and destroyed over the "infidelity" "Issue" (do people ever really consider how it affects the kids?) It was not always the guy (not by far), and in several cases I am convinced it never even happened - just that the other party would not let go of their suspicion (and I have seen gals and guys that were convinced that their S.O. was involved - when their probably was nothing there).
I have also known people who frankly admitted that they did something really dumb; and their partner would not accept that.
Now I'm not claiming to be an angle either - and admit that I have done a few things really dumb in my life too. Its called being human - and learning from your mistakes. Why can't we accept that others can make mistakes and learn from them as well?
Since I thought that I would finally get married several years ago I put a lot of thought into it: The reasons for getting married are substantially different than the reason for having sex. So why do so many people (especially here in North America) hang so much of their marriage on the sexual aspect of the relationship? Are they just creating false expectations that cannot be lived up to in the face of changing conditions and sometimes fairly unique situations that we find ourselves in over the decades?
There are many other cultures in the world who do not equate marriage with absolute fidelity; and who have long term stable marriages.
This does not mean that I am looking for an open marriage; just that I acknowledge up front that issues could develop (with either party) for a variety of reasons from insignificant to serious - and if they do that our marriage, and the reason we got married, will be stronger than that. We would need to aaddress the issues behind the sex, and maybe the issue is such that acknowledging and/or allowing the other relationship is the best option. Each person has psychological and physical needs of various levels, and at various times in their life.
Is it more harmful to deny those needs or to allow another to fulfill that if your marriage partner cannot. In many cases that I've seen; people only went to others when they were in crises and their partner could not fully support them while the crises existed. Once the crises is over - the special crises needs also are over. yet the marriage far to often gets torn asunder here in America.
You know, we can only do as much as we can do; and at times can do more or less than normal. Sometimes we cannot carry the load fully by ourselves (on many issues). That does not make us bad people; nor does it mean that a couple does not have a great marriage - and does not enjoy many other benefits from marriage. Why get so upset if others help carry the load when needed (and not just on the sexual side of things). I see so many people who have the concept that their marriage partner is supposedly to be superwoman or superman and always be able to do everything. What is wrong with saying; ah.. I need some help right now, or allowing your partner to find help when you are cannot adequately support them. Somehow, in the North America culture in particular - it seems that emotional/sexual part is often considered off limits for asking for or accepting help with. How can I tell anyone that I will be there to support them and their needs if I am unwilling to also admit when I cannot do it by myself (how supportive am I really being by denying the support and help the other person needs).
On a personal level there are many things that people do in the sexual arena that I do not understand, or are uneasy (to say the least) about. Yet, as long as it is fully consensual - who am I to force my unease or beliefs on them. They have the right (weather I am comfortable or not) to live the vast majority of their life as they wish to live it.
I must be willing to tolerate things that do not involve me (even if I do not personally approve - or gag at the thought of it) if I want people to tolerate how I chose to live my life (or at least how I try to live my life).
Do have a great day. Work is pulling me away for most of the week (starting tomorrow) and I do not know if I will have much computer access - or the time.
Perry
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If there is selection bias happening in our statistics, I don''t believe the difference is between men and women, but between people of faith, and people who don''t live their lives governed by any faith system. "Believers", with no reference to how people choose to believe, tend to seek out help in part to heal their damaged relationships and in part to help their damaged consciences. I don''t believe that the social stigma of infidelity plays a part in the lives of the couples we have helped at all. It''s our experience that couples come to our weekends having told no one (no family members, no friends, no co-workers) of what has transpired in their lives or about the personal pain they are in.
Our statistics are not anecdotal. Our group has existed for three decades. They do however, reflect the ideals of practicing Catholics and Christians who believe in working on their unions til death do they part. Our society as a whole doesn''t believe in that; instead our society views marriage as being just another disposable relationship. I do fully realize that our group is but a microcosm of practicing Christians, not to mention being an almost non-existant subsect of society.
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i''ll tell her you said that.
HollyS
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Without skimming any of the other posts, and stumbling across the answer, I would say: probably the man, only because men (as a group) tend to be less emotional about sex, while women (as a rule) are usually not at all like Samantha Jones of SATC.
Now I have to go back and see if I''m right.
Now I have to go back and see if I''m right.
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