Where is the romance?

[Cachette]

During the Holidays, a few of my friends received jewellery/diamond gifts from their loved ones and were very excited to recount to me the circumstances surrounding the “receiving” part. All stories were romantic in nature.

I talked to my husband about every story, to share, but also to see his reaction because I wanted to learn something. What I learned was that 1. I believe that because of my increasing knowledge and interest in diamonds, he will never again buy me anything without my “analysis” of the product for fear that what he presented me with was sub par to what my expectations were (he used to buy me things - last time was over 3 years ago) and 2. That I will never again be “romantically surprised” with a jewellery gift from him ever again.

Now, it seems that I have overdone it with regards to sharing my great (great) passion for diamonds and diamond education with him. He is always very interested in my countless ramblings about this topic and never discourages me from pursuing my interests but I know that he will never again walk into our local B & M and look for something special, for me; something that he thinks I would look beautiful wearing and treasure regardless of its quality; something he feels is beautiful and would be especially beautiful for me.

I’m torn apart by this. I’m a hopeless romantic (what diamond lover isn’t?) and I imagine scenarios in which he surprises me with a diamond gift but I think I’ve ruined it by talking to him at length about quality, cuts, grading, certificates etc.

I’ve discussed with him the various vendors talked about here and even put links to these online stores in my favourites on our home computer (hint hint) but I seriously doubt that he will ever contact them… it’s just not his thing and I honestly think he would be afraid to, again, completely my fault, for fear that I would not be pleased.

So, how do I bring romance back in my life when all I’ve done for the past year is persecute B & M`s diamond quality? It wasn’t my intention as I think that someone can find beautiful items in these stores, beautiful enough to give to the love of their lives…

There are so many things that I want (diamond wise) and I don`t want to be the one always buying them for myself (like my ACA studs). Not much romance in that is there??
Short of starting over with someone else (

), I would like to know if anyone here has felt this way and how did you deal with it? I want him to understand that it`s not always about quality...

Thanks.

Cachette

 

[Independent Gal]

Give him a cheat sheet! I''ve written up one of these to circulate to friends and friends of friends since people have started asking me for help / advice with how to choose a stone. So, just write up a few pages with the basics and some parameters for numbers and tell him you hope to be surprised again someday because you so much love it when he does that.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

While I agree with Indy's suggestion to give him a diamond EDU, and I think it will be incredibly helpful - I just don't think that's the real answer to Cachette's husband's problem.

I think those of us who go on and on about diamonds, and ideal cut, etc. tend to forget that there is romance involved in any jewelry purchase. I think my husband may feel the same as yours Cachette - and he's VERY knowledgeable about diamonds. He feels as if anything I may want from him, I may as well buy myself since I'm especially picky. It's the same situation with me and computers. I know enough about them, know he wants one, but would never be able to buy one for him because I just don't know the tiny details of what he wants.

So, here's what I would do. Send an email, copying him in, to a trusted vendor on PS, or maybe even to your local B&M with a "wish list" with items that you love, and would like to own someday. It's probably the easiest way for your husband to not feel inadequate because you've got a list of everything you want and he just has to choose.

I feel your pain, really, I do. But my husband and I have agreed that diamond purchases are pretty much my territory, and I won't buy him any computer hardware.

 

[HollyS]

I believe this very problem -- taking the ''romance'' out of the jewelry purchase -- is what bothers some men about having their intended''s input into the engagement ring process. Doesn''t mean we don''t want our say-so, just that guys love surprising us more than we like being surprised.

 

[sumbride]

I agree with Lauren.

My DH has given me 1 piece of jewelry that was a complete surprise. Everything else, everything, was selected by me prior to his purchase. I''d send him links, point and say "that one", etc... and he would buy. It worked because I was happy and he was happy that he hadn''t "screwed it up".

But that one surprise? It was the bracelet he gave me the night before our wedding. I ADORE it and I love it even more that I didn''t know I was getting it. But how did he pull this off??? Our jeweler CALLED HIM, suggested it, sold it and mailed it all before HE had even seen it. He didn''t know what it looked like until I opened it! And seriously, I must say it''s one of the best gifts ever because I didn''t have a clue what was in the box before I opened it! The jeweler knew I "needed it" because he''d just made me a necklace and earrings to go with my dress and figured he could make a bracelet to match... but I hadn''t ordered a bracelet... so he called up somebody who would say "Yes, make her a bracelet!"

So develop a relationship with a jeweler, particularly a jeweler with good customer service that keeps track of important events, contact information, etc. Most of the "mom and pop" B&M places do. These places can be your ticket to "surprise jewelry" and romance. Visit them often, let them know your likes and dislikes, your sizes, your preferences, and then don''t press anymore. Of course, this doesn''t mean you can''t still shop for yourself, but if you do want him to buy for you without risking dissapointment, you''ve got to get a system in place.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

cachette,
i so know/feel what you mean. on christmas my neighbor''s husband surprised her with a 1.5rb solitaire, totally out of character for him, as he just told me days before, "i''m not into diamonds'' and his wife was a little put out! i thought oooohhh so romantic, but funny, he bought her a yellow gold setting, two sizes two small-she had the stone reset already. (what is funny is that this woman will call me over to deliberate for what seems like weeks over the color of a swatch of fabric for furniture(they are rather wealthy) but had her stone set into a clearance $167.00 white gold(she called it "silver" ) setting.
i am grateful that when we have the funds, dh always says, "get whatever you want".. i have been hinting about a diamond and sapphire tennis bracelet and he has asked our older daughter about it more than once. i will certainly spell it out to her exactly what style, ct. weight, etc i''d like before he "surprises" me with a gift like this.
i wish i could be a romantic receiver-but jewelry gifts cost too much to be dissatisfied. i do empathize with you!!!

 

[Pandora II]

FI told me from the beginning that he would never buy me jewellery as he wouldn''t know what to buy and I''d be so much better at getting the right thing for the right price.

I was kind of sad - but he buys me quirky things instead.

Like my hedgehog ''Lego'', and for Christmas I was given a jar of white truffles. I am a truffle junkie (I''m quite hapy to come back as a truffle pig in my next life!), but I have only ever had the black ones. I''m terrified of cooking them, but I was over the moon with my gift.

 

[steph72276]

Ugh! I so feel your pain on this one! My hubby is the same way. He told me he would not buy another piece of jewlery by himself anymore because it might not be up to my "standards". It makes me sad too, but I guess I can always give him a running list of things I like. I don''t know, he''s more like give a gift certificate and then you can pick out what you want when it comes to jewelry these days.

 

[phoenixgirl]

It sounds like your husband wants to be romantic and make you happy, but he thinks you want to go the research + contact vendor + order online route now. Why not just tell him that while you love picking out things you have your eye on, you''d also appreciate a spontaneous or surprise gift of something he sees and thinks you''ll like? That''s what I''d do.

 

[Rhea]

I think this goes both ways sometimes. DH would likely never buy me jewellery again, except simple white gold pieces, but I''d be very hard pressed to ever buy him what he loves best - electronic items. He built his own very expensive computer recently and regularly talks about ubontu and open source software (whatever those things mean). He also likes a lot of metal music while my knowledge is so incredibly small in these areas. In his dream world I''d surprise him by presenting him with a A4 size tablet lalala, the prefect pair of gaming headphones, and a very nice hi-fi (what do you mean the alarm clock CD player isn''t good enough?!).

The closest that we''ve come to solving this issue is attempting to listen and follow along when the other person discusses their loves and writing it down. No question is stupid even if it''s been covered twenty times before. This has led to a couple of small surprises and hopefully there are some bigger surprises to come.

 

[perry]

I''d find a local jeweler who does really creative things... (and is willing to buy high cut quality diamonds: I know they are rare - but they do exist) - and just tell your husband that he is free to work with him.

Wink Jones is another resource I could recomend like that. He specializes in unique gemstones and jewelry - and as long as he knows you are a pricescope nut; you will not be disapointed.

Perry

 

[Mara]

we are the same way...i highly doubt that greg will ever surprise me with anything diamond or bauble related ever again. he does know that i like to work with WF so i could conceiveably see him calling up Lesley and asking if there is anything they think that i might like...as he knows i think very highly of pretty much everything they sell. but other than that, doubtful. he also is the type who would rather get me something i am involved with that he knows i will love vs something random that he thinks is cool. he does get me small tiffany items sometimes, but just little silver things.

in terms of where the romance is...for me it''s not connected to our jewelry purchases. i have no fantasies of him ever surprising me with a 5c asscher (though if that 5.5 cartier fell into our lap i''d cry with happiness even if it is a little skewed in the table hehe). now if he surprised me with a trip away to a fave B&B or something, that''s romantic. him leaving me little cutout wall street journal articles on my computer is romantic (well to me anyway), or taking my car to get a full wash and detail without me knowing, or him getting me a cute card even though there is no special occasion is romantic enough for me.

so while for us we probably won''t be breaking any ''oh that''s so sweet'' bauble story records, it''s there in other ways and we are both fine with that. just like i wouldn''t surprise him with a new transmission for his car, he probably won''t try to surprise me with a new ring.

i do however get him gift certs for his fave car places. hehee.

 

[surfgirl]

I''m with Mara on this one. To me, I couldn''t care less if I never get "surprised" with a mystery bauble purchase because like most here, I''m very picky about what I like in jewelry, nothing wrong with that, either. I have the man I wanted. I have the marriage I dreamed of. And I never imagined I''d have such a lovely ering. So I''m okay with not being surprised on jewelry. I''m happy with what I have and as Mara said, jewelry isn''t the only way to surprise a woman or to be romantic. There are endless, non materialistic ways to be romantic. Embrace them all. Sometimes if it''s cold in the morning on a weekend, I''ll wake up and Mr. Surf has made a "breakfast fire" in the fireplace because he knows it''ll make me happy. Or he''ll stop at the store on the way home and show up with my favorite flavor of Propel because he knows we''re out. I think that''s romantic. Or he''ll say, "hey, let me make dinner for you tonight!" which translates into "I''m going to make my famous grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for you because you look like you need some comfort food and you''ve had a rough day", which again, to me is romantic.

There are so many ways your husband can be romantic that don''t include spending a lot of money or buying jewelry. Please, be happy that you can afford to chose any baubles. Many people dont even have a plain wedding band so you''re pretty lucky in my book!

 

[Joolskie]

I''m with Mara and Surfgirl on this one. My DH has not surprised me with diamonds since the day he asked me to marry him. And we are going on 11 years of marriage here. This, however, did not stop the anniversary ring I picked out last year from writing him a letter letting him know that it really wanted to live on my finger. And boy was I surprised when DH gave me that exact ring! How did he know?!?! LOL!

It was funny at the time people. I am a professional copywriter. The letter was funny. Really.

To be honest... in our 10+ years together, there have been so many wonderful "little" moments of romance that mean more to me than any gift ever could. Just today, the man installed cabinets in our laundry room. There is nothing hotter than your man creating more storage in your house. And when you watch your husband run around the house playing Nerf Dart Tag with his sons? Hotter than hot. And when he tells you that the time you and he spend together each evening after the kids in our bed is the sunshine that brightens his day... HOT, HOT, HOT!!!!!! LOL!!!!!

Surprise gifts, especially sparkly ones, are wonderful and romantic. But there are so many other romantic gestures. I say if you want surprise jewelry gifts... make up a wish list and let DH surprise you from the list!

 

[movie zombie]

+1 with the last three posts.

romance is not a thing but can be found in many places. why limit oneself to finding romance in a diamond...... or any jewelry for that matter?

movie zombie

 

[iheartscience]

I'm with Surfgirl et al on this one. I think the little things are so much more romantic than jewelry. My fiance bringing me a bag of my favorite Haribo gummy bears, cleaning and organizing my closet room, etc. is my kind of romance. Plus I guess I just don't really associate jewelry with romance at all.

I picked out my e-ring diamond and setting myself and he bought it and proposed with it. I got a few crappy comments about it not being "romantic" that I picked out my ring myself, and I just said that to me, my fiance getting me exactly what I want is the most romantic thing there is!

You should just tell him that you will love whatever he surprises you with, and if he wants the web address to some PS vendors, you'll give them to him, but if not, he should just keep buying from your fave B&M!

ETA that for me, jewelry is kind of in the same category as clothing, shoes and handbags, and no one can really pick those things out for me except me, so I think that might also be why I've never really considered jewelry to be a romantic gift type item.

 

[BigDiamonds]

Aww, I sympathize.

FI already has those tendencies - he always wants me to pick out my own presents so that I don''t end up with one thing, even if I like it, when there is something else that I wanted a little more. This is especially true with jewelry now, and as other people have said, electronics for him.

We solved it by making a ridiculously specific wishlist. I keep it pretty simple for him: for example, WF ACA studs in this tcw range, this color range, this clarity range, in this setting, expect to pay about this much for it. He may not end up with the absolutely best deal, like he would if I obsessed over it for months on end, but that''s not the point of a gift!

I just got the first item off my wishlist for my birthday in November. It was a simple sterling dragonfly necklace from Tiffany that I really liked. He got to surprise me, and I got something I love!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I don''t really like surprises, so maybe I see this a little differently, but I love the process of picking out a piece with DH. We have a bit of a process - head into town to try on styles, sizes etc at B&Ms then have lunch and ponder the best look. Then we go home and research internet options, then we order online from our favourite vendors.

It''s fun and it''s romantic, just in a different way!

 

[Sparkster]

Date: 1/12/2008 3:03:13 PM
Author: surfgirl
I''m with Mara on this one. To me, I couldn''t care less if I never get ''surprised'' with a mystery bauble purchase because like most here, I''m very picky about what I like in jewelry, nothing wrong with that, either. I have the man I wanted. I have the marriage I dreamed of. And I never imagined I''d have such a lovely ering. So I''m okay with not being surprised on jewelry. I''m happy with what I have and as Mara said, jewelry isn''t the only way to surprise a woman or to be romantic. There are endless, non materialistic ways to be romantic. Embrace them all. Sometimes if it''s cold in the morning on a weekend, I''ll wake up and Mr. Surf has made a ''breakfast fire'' in the fireplace because he knows it''ll make me happy. Or he''ll stop at the store on the way home and show up with my favorite flavor of Propel because he knows we''re out. I think that''s romantic. Or he''ll say, ''hey, let me make dinner for you tonight!'' which translates into ''I''m going to make my famous grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for you because you look like you need some comfort food and you''ve had a rough day'', which again, to me is romantic.

There are so many ways your husband can be romantic that don''t include spending a lot of money or buying jewelry. Please, be happy that you can afford to chose any baubles. Many people dont even have a plain wedding band so you''re pretty lucky in my book!

I''m with Surfgirl and Mara on this one. FI isn''t the most romantic guy in the world but every now and then he surprises me with something totally unexpected. I remember he had to go interstate one day and when I got home he had laid out some of my clothes on the bed and next to it he had laid out some of his clothes. He drew a cartoon picture of my face and one of his and placed it on our pillows. And his left arm sleeve was resting on top of my right arm sleeve (so they were holding hands). And a sheet of paper between our cartoon heads read "I Love you". Corny? You bet! It''s little things like this that make me smile and think - "Geez I''m lucky" Sure, I would love a new piece of jewellery and all the stuff that goes into buying it but I can''t have it all. Although, he does need reminding every now and then to be romantic!

 

[Cachette]

Thank you! Thank you, each and everyone of you, for putting it in perspective for me. Your advice was just what I needed to hear.

I agree, I need to focus on the little things that make romance so special, not the price tag or item attached to the act.
I have to tell you, that not one minute after having posted this thread, I received 2 beautiful calla lilies with a note from my husband saying "Just because I love you." No kidding.

I am one very lucky woman.

Thank you again. From that bottom of my romantic heart.

Cachette

 

[Mara]

very sweet on the lilies, cachette!! sounds like you know what you've got!

on the quirky romance tip. yesterday i came home and on top of my laptop was a box of 'happy bunny' valentine's day cards...you know the little vday cards you write in and pass out to friends/coworkers etc. i was like 'did you get me this??' he knows i love happy bunny stuff...and he was at the store getting his mom a bday card and saw these...they are so awesome.

it's stuff like that which warms my heart. the baubles are fun and all and definitely pretty to wear, but they don't give me that heart flutter. though maybe that's just arrhythmia?

 

[Cachette]

Date: 1/15/2008 2:20:18 PM
Author: Mara
very sweet on the lilies, cachette!! sounds like you know what you''ve got!

on the quirky romance tip. yesterday i came home and on top of my laptop was a box of ''happy bunny'' valentine''s day cards...you know the little vday cards you write in and pass out to friends/coworkers etc. i was like ''did you get me this??'' he knows i love happy bunny stuff...and he was at the store getting his mom a bday card and saw these...they are so awesome.

it''s stuff like that which warms my heart. So true the baubles are fun and all and definitely pretty to wear, but they don''t give me that heart flutter. though maybe that''s just arrhythmia?

That`s great Mara!

Aren`t the Happy Bunnies the sweetest (sweet with attitude!). My oldest daughter has them all over her room!

Cachette

 

[Sparkster]

Date: 1/15/2008 2:13:37 PM
Author: Cachette
Thank you! Thank you, each and everyone of you, for putting it in perspective for me. Your advice was just what I needed to hear.

I agree, I need to focus on the little things that make romance so special, not the price tag or item attached to the act.
I have to tell you, that not one minute after having posted this thread, I received 2 beautiful calla lilies with a note from my husband saying ''Just because I love you.'' No kidding.

I am one very lucky woman.

Thank you again. From that bottom of my romantic heart.

Cachette

I love lillies - I wish I would get surprised with lillies too. Every now and then I hear something that someone''s else husband or SO has done and I think to myself, why can''t my FI be like that and then I have to remind myself how lucky I am with all the other wonderful things FI does for me. It''s human nature to compare what other people have to what we have in our lives. We wouldn''t be human if we didn''t.

Even though your husband may not surprise you with bling, I am so happy that you are on the receiving end of little things that make you smile!