When will (or did) you consider your engagement "official" ?

[therighttime]

Hello everyone! I think I might be engaged. Or maybe I am only engaged to be engaged.

We have been talking about getting married for years, but according to my boyfriend, it''s just not been "the right time" yet. Recently though, all sort of things have seemed to just fall into place and there seems to be no issues holding us back anymore. We have discussed where we would get married, approximately when we would get married, where we will live, etc. But nothing has been made "official." I have read a lot of posts where people are doing wedding planning before getting the ring... so is it the ring that makes you "officially" engaged? I don''t even think I will be getting a ring (Gasp! I know, this is PS, but I just don''t think it''s necessary for me at this point in my life... and have told BF that.) So if I''m not getting a ring, what will make it official? I don''t think there will be some romantic dinner and him dropping to one knee either!! Conversations have been such that we have discussed marriage so much that I would almost feel that him asking me to marry him is backing up a step since we have already discussed things in such detail. He may surprise me and "propose" though... so then will it be official? But if he doesn''t, when will it be official?
We have talked about where and when... when we book the place, then will it be official?

It''s weird to not know if you are engaged or not. I know we are getting married... but I don''t know if I''m engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So that is my question... when did you or will you consider yourself "officially" engaged?

 

[poptart]

I considered myself engaged when DH and I were talking one night and we discussed our future and realized we both wanted the same thing out of the relationship. There was never really a question (since we both already knew the answer), and no big to do about getting married. We knew we wanted to get married, we''d talked about it, and that meant we were engaged. We announced it to our family a few months after we had decided we wanted to get married.

*M*

 

[therighttime]

Date: 4/27/2007 9:49:03 PM
Author: poptart
I considered myself engaged when DH and I were talking one night and we discussed our future and realized we both wanted the same thing out of the relationship. There was never really a question (since we both already knew the answer), and no big to do about getting married. We knew we wanted to get married, we''d talked about it, and that meant we were engaged. We announced it to our family a few months after we had decided we wanted to get married.

*M*

Thanks!!!
Woohoo, then I''m engaged!!

 

[neatfreak]

For us it was when he actually proposed with the ring. But that was his thing, not mine. He wanted to wait for the ring. But we had talked extensively about it before it became "official". But that''s just us!

 

[princessmo2]

I think it''s an individual thing... As for me, my bf insists we are not engaged until he proposes and gives me the ring (even though I know it is in our house somewhere). We have also discussed when we want to get married, what kind of wedding we want, etc.

I say, if you feel that you are engaged, and you are not waiting for something specific to "happen", then you are engaged! And so, congrats!

 

[anchor31]

Between the time we decided we wanted to get married to the time he actually asked me to marry him passed 9 months. I would have considered myself engaged right there and then, but he wanted the ring and the "proper" proposal. Just like some girls dream of their wedding day, he had dreamed of this proposal... So I let him do his thing, and it was very special. We consider ourselves engaged from the moment I said yes.

 

[Cehrabehra]

It''s kinda like an O - a lot of things feel good but when you''re there, you know it

 

[poptart]

Date: 4/27/2007 11:35:24 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
It''s kinda like an O - a lot of things feel good but when you''re there, you know it

Hahahahaha! Great analogy Sara!

*M*

 

[whenharrymetsally]

I think for myself, i''d consider us ''engaged'' when he asks me that question and puts the ring on my finger. We have to talked about marriage and the ring has actually been chosen and purchased. It is supposed to be ready sometime in the next two weeks. So i guess its just a matter of waiting for the formal ''proposal'' before i''d call us engaged. Or if he decides to ''ask me to marry him'' without the ring, i''d still consider us engaged.

 

[zoebartlett]

Oh Sara, you made me blush!

My boyfriend and I are one of the couples planning our wedding before getting engaged. We''ve sketched out what we think we want the day to be like, we''ve looked at invitations online, we''ve looked at places to get married, etc. One of my friends e-mailed me the other day, congratulating us for being engaged. When I corrected her and said that it''s not official yet she seemed to think being proposed to would just be a formality.

I will consider myself engaged when my boyfriend proposes though.

 

[bee*]

D and I already know what venue we want, the date we want etc, but until he proposes and asks me the question, with or without a ring, I dont consider myself engaged and neither does he. We are purchasing the ring in July, a little over two months away

so hopefully he''ll ask soon after and I can plan out loud to family etc!

 

[Fly Girl]

He said let''s get married when we were both 20, in college and I was agonizing over leaving him for a semester to study abroad. I was wondering if we should date other people, and he said no. I was the one. So from then on I considered us to be secretly engaged. We knew it; we just weren''t ready to tell the world and plan for a wedding yet. I considered us formally engaged after we told our families and friends about a year later. We had the ring by then, which I think is a good idea because everyone is going to ask you about it anyway. If you have decided not to get one, that''s fine too. You just need to have an answer for when people ask. It is also a good time to tell people when you are ready to begin actively planning the wedding. Frankly, I don''t see the need for a formal proposal if you are already planning to marry. The agreement to marry has already happened. You are already engaged, at least secretly.

However, if you are telling the whole world on the internet that you guys are planning to marry, then I say you are "officially" engaged!!! Congratulations!!!!

 

[firebirdgold]

Well, He had already unofficially asked me more than a year earlier. When he proposed with the ring I didn''t totally believe that it was official until he called his parents to tell them.

Fortunately it was the first thing he did after I stopped kissing him.

So for me it wasn''t official until I heard the words "Mom, We''re getting Married!" comining out of his mouth!

 

[sarahthewarrior]

I agree with IndieJones. Typically I would say a ring makes it official, but if you''re holding off on the ring for any reason (or just prefer not to have one), I''d say telling the parents makes it official. As long as you say you''re engaged, that makes it so! Congrats!

 

[Independent Gal]

I think when he says ''Will you marry me?'' and you say ''Yes'', you are engaged. If you think it''s just ''decided'', then I''d say, when you tell the parents. Or, have YOU considered asking HIM? Or you could say with a big mischeivious grin, ''Honey, you know I won''t consider us engaged until you ask me to marry you. There''s a reasonable chance I''ll say yes, y''know!''

Not so romantic, but could be cute!

 

[musey]

Since things progressed so gradually from "if we get married" to "when we get married" to "will you marry me" (seriously, the time between deciding we for sure wanted to get married to the proposal was about 1.5 years) that even after the proposal nothing really felt "official." Maybe because I wasn't there when he called his parents

We also haven't officially set a date yet, which plays into it as well.

The first time it really FELT official was a good two months after the proposal, when he introduced me to someone as his "fiancee"... with a little proud lilt in his tone. That made it oh, so official for me.

ETA: I posted a similar question when I was a LIW, and the resounding response was that I was NOT engaged as I had no ring on my finger and no wedding plans were being made, haha. I did agree with them... I think everyone sort of has a different process and different moment of "officiality" for them, but I'm pretty sure that 90% of couples decide they are going to get married before getting engaged... to some of them, that in itself means they're engaged, to most, it doesn't. It's personal!

 

[Pandora II]

For me "official" was when FI announced it to all our friends, relations and parents. The asking bit was lovely and romantic and official for me to know he wanted to get married but the announcing made it publically official. I got my promise ring 2 months later and my e-ring is mid-production so for me a ring doesn''t make it official.

 

[therighttime]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the responses! As I suspected, the answer is different for everyone and is based on the personal preferences and the relationship of the people involved!

I guess when we can set a date I will feel it''s official. Hopefully that will be soon.

 

[cherry_vanilla]

It really is a personal thing, I agree. I don''t feel "engaged" but we''re already starting to plan (or as much as you can when you''re 2.5-3 years out!) and know it''s more of a formality issue than still deciding on if this is what we really want to do, you know? It is weird when I take a step back and realize that if engagement = marriage/wedding prep, I''m further along than a few of my friends who have a sparkly ring and a guy they call fiance but little substance beyond that. I think that''s a big thing to engagement - I wouldn''t call yourselves engaged until you are ready and willing to set things in stone/motion and bust out the checkbook. Talk is cheap, and I think actually going through with said plans is a big part of the commitment.

I''m still young, so even though my family already considers us basically engaged, I really don''t feel the need to announce to our friends and others until we''re in a position to make it "official."

 

[therighttime]

I''m further along than a few of my friends who have a sparkly ring and a guy they call fiance but little substance beyond that

I agree... I have a friend who got her ring in November of last year but isn''t planning to get married until over a year from now. I can''t help but think that I''ll be long married by the time her wedding finally rolls around, and she is definitely not making any wedding plans, but yet she is "engaged officially." And I''m not.

 

[Gwyn]

I consider engagement when he formally asks the "will you marry me/be my wife" thing.

My boyfriend and I decided we would get married back in Decemeber and went ring shopping and such Jan - Mar. ANd started planning things like vendors and flowers. But I didnt consider myself engaged til this past weekend when he actually proposed. He didnt get down on one knee (at my request) but he said the whole speil which was what I was looking for to consider us engaged.

Though my fiance did give me a ring, i do not think that is a prerequisitte for engagement.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Well, my now-husband I started seriously talking abut marriage last August. We talked about it all fall, and in November we purchased the ring together. He held on to it until Christmas Eve. In the interim, we started making wedding plans, but I did not consider myself "officially engaged" until he actually dropped down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/30/2007 1:08:43 PM
Author: Gwyn
I consider engagement when he formally asks the ''will you marry me/be my wife'' thing.

My boyfriend and I decided we would get married back in Decemeber and went ring shopping and such Jan - Mar. ANd started planning things like vendors and flowers. But I didnt consider myself engaged til this past weekend when he actually proposed. He didnt get down on one knee (at my request) but he said the whole speil which was what I was looking for to consider us engaged.

Though my fiance did give me a ring, i do not think that is a prerequisitte for engagement.

Totally agree with all of this above.

Hubby and I knew almost from the start that we would marry. However, it was "official" when he actually asked me.....without the ring. The ring came a few weeks later, and as Gwyn mentions, no ring would be fine, too. It''s not the ring that makes you engaged.....it''s the "will you marry me/be my wife".

 

[janinegirly]

hi righttime! i suppose when one is engaged could be subjective, but i''m a bit of a traditionalist and think it still has to be a special night when he asks that you marry him. and preferably with a ring, no matter how modest.
i think society also views engagement this way, and that''s part of why it all makes us FEEL engaged.

that''s jsut my opinion though. i know in the past you have said that your bf was alittle hesitant to take initiative and that you also tend to be very understanding, so just remember you can''t fool yourself into not wanting what it is you want. I would still tell him you''d like to "feel engaged" and that all it''d require his him organizing a nice night and asking you to be his wife. The ring part (and whether or not it''s important) is really up to you!

Great to hear there''s been so much wedding planning though! do you have a date/time period in mind?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

We have a ring picked out, our parents know, and we ask each other all the time "Will you marry me?" but I still don''t consider us engaged. I think we''re engaged to be engaged. Until he gets down on one knee and puts a ring on the third finger of my left hand I don''t consider it to be official We are still starting the planning---looking at locations, and brainstorming---but we won''t set a date until it''s official.

 

[dtnyc]

I feel someone has to "ask" the other to marry them- making a proposal of marriage if you will, it doesn''t have to be a grandiose proposal- but someone has to ask the other person. It doesn''t have to be the guy, there doesn''t have to be a ring, it doesn''t have to be at night, etc.- but I feel that the question- will you marry me? must be asked for it to be considered an engagement.

Some people elope, and don''t have an engagement- they just run off and get married.

 

[janinegirly]

i have to say i agree with the above. there''s no way of changing definitions--an enagement is the period following proposal. a proposal is when someone asks the other for hand in marriage (proposing marriage), and in most societies, this includes a ring as a symbol of the proposal and acceptance of offer.

 

[therighttime]

Date: 4/30/2007 2:12:10 PM
Author: janinegirly
hi righttime! i suppose when one is engaged could be subjective, but i''m a bit of a traditionalist and think it still has to be a special night when he asks that you marry him. and preferably with a ring, no matter how modest.
i think society also views engagement this way, and that''s part of why it all makes us FEEL engaged.

that''s jsut my opinion though. i know in the past you have said that your bf was alittle hesitant to take initiative and that you also tend to be very understanding, so just remember you can''t fool yourself into not wanting what it is you want. I would still tell him you''d like to ''feel engaged'' and that all it''d require his him organizing a nice night and asking you to be his wife. The ring part (and whether or not it''s important) is really up to you!

Great to hear there''s been so much wedding planning though! do you have a date/time period in mind?

Hi Janine!
We would like to get married sometime this summer...or very early fall... sometime close to before my son starts back to school... So... it''s all pretty soon. We won''t have anything that takes a lot of planning though.
We are waiting to see if he got the house he is hoping to buy, and when he could close on that. I am thinking that something official would happen after that. We don''t feel we can set a date until we are sure about moving; mainly because of my son and school.
About the ring... I have always told him I didn''t need an engagement ring. I have been there done that... and sold it at a pawn shop. It just isn''t important to me. I told him I''d just rather put the money toward a sparkly wedding band or something. However, he has always said HE wanted me to have a ring... and even asked his mom to go ring shopping with him.
I''ll keep you posted.

 

[tenfour]

we have a date set and all that, but i don''t consider myself to be engaged.
i will, however, be engaged tomorrow (ring is sized and ready for pickup).
can you tell we''re not into surprises?

 

[surfgirl]

If you went around telling everyone you were engaged would he freak out or agree with you? If the former, you''re not, if the latter, you are!