When to speak to her father?

[smartwater]

Hello.

I''m planning on "popping the question" in the beginning of January. But, I dont know when I should have a talk with her father about requesting his blessing. I know there''s not an exact timeframe, but what are some things you have done to ask her father? (considering you asked her father first)

Thank you!

 

[TooPatient]

I''m not a guy, but here is my little bit of advice.


I''ve seen a few guys recently who went to lunch or dinner alone with her parents and talked with them.

I think this is a great idea. Especially including the mother & the father.

A poster recently talked with his FF''s parents and the mother was able to make suggestions about his proposal ideas.

 

[schu]

I''m not into the asking the father/mother''s blessing. To some it might seem like a courtesy, but to me it seems like you are treating your future wife as a piece of property. It seems to be a dated custom that I refuse to partake in. I''m glad my girlfriend feels the same way.

Rant aside, if I had to do it I would definitely take the entire family out to dinner and have that really awkward moment. Based on some friend''s stories I think I would also get it out of the way at the beginning of the dinner so the rest of the evening can be relaxing where you are just eating with your future family.

 

[smartwater]

These are great recommendations...but, what I really want to know is how far in advance should you speak to her father? For example, since I plan on asking her in January, should I try to have a talk with her dad in December? Week before? Tomorrow?

No exact science, but just want to see what people have done before!

Thanks again!

 

[schu]

I imagine it shouldn''t be too long before you actually want to do the proposal. Resaon being, the parents will then have a large piece of information that they have to make sure not to slip up on and let the cat out of the bag before you propose. Some people just can''t keep secrets. I would say 2 weeks max before you plan to actually do it.

 

[jocjo]

I asked for his blessing a couple of days before I popped the question. Ideally it would have been sooner but in hindsight I''m glad it was done so close to the proposal because I don''t think my future mother in-law would have held the secret for more than a few days!

 

[lilyfoot]

Hi smartwater. Congratulations on your upcoming engagement! I am not a guy also, but I will try to help ...

Like you said, this matter is not an exact science. There are many factors that should weigh into this decision. First, would her father (or mother, if she''s in the picture), be likely to leak the secret to your GF? If so, you would want to do it as close to the day of proposal as possible, giving them less of a chance of ruinining your surprise.

Also, do you live close to her parents? Or would you have to make a specific trip to another city, etc. to speak with them?

Are you positive her parents will give you their blessing immediately? If it''s something they may need to think about, you would want to give them more time, not spring it on them the day before you plan to propose.

I think in general, somewhere from 2 weeks to 1 month before the planned proposal is appropriate.

 

[jadedpony]

I asked on a Sunday and proposed that Wednesday so, three days for me. I had wanted to ask on the previous Friday but they were out of town. I don''t think that I would have felt comfortable letting anyone know more than a week in advance.

Just for reference, I had been going out with and known my fiancée for over five years. I''m sure that you already have an idea that they would support you but I have read stories here on PS where the father asked something like "What makes you good enough to marry my daughter?" I didn''t face any such questioning but be prepared depending on their personalities

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 10/22/2009 3:43:21 PM
Author: jadedpony
I asked on a Sunday and proposed that Wednesday so, three days for me. I had wanted to ask on the previous Friday but they were out of town. I don''t think that I would have felt comfortable letting anyone know more than a week in advance.

Just for reference, I had been going out with and known my fiancée for over five years. I''m sure that you already have an idea that they would support you but I have read stories here on PS where the father asked something like ''What makes you good enough to marry my daughter?'' I didn''t face any such questioning but be prepared depending on their personalities

i''ll keep that one in mind.

plus i would ask him...
what size rock are you gonna propose with?
who''s gonna pay for the wedding?

 

[AustenNut]

I think this also depends on the location of your FF''s parents in relation to where you live. If y''all don''t live in the same town then you may want to ask over the holidays if you''re seeing them. Though a phone conversation could suffice, I think it would be so much better done in person. But if in-person''s not an option, then phone is obviously better than nothing.

That being said, I wouldn''t ask for their blessing more than a month before you propose.

 

[sklingem]

Hi there -
there are many ways to go. I asked almost 5 months in advance because that was the only chance to get to talk to BOTH parents in person. It was hard to find a time when my fiancee was not there so it ended up being in the living room while she was taking a shower! lol
I told them that I was going to ask their daughter to marry me and that (a) I would love to have their blessing and (b)that they better not spoil the surprise for their daughter. And they did not
In short - you should talk to both parents and do not have to ask for permission either. Just tell them how excited you are about marrying their daughter, that you are looking forward to being part of their family and hopefully will be getting their blessing too...
Good luck!

 

[vc10um]

Just to chime in...

...my BF asked my mother for permission. And within 12 hours she had told me. He doesn''t know I know.

But he also knew I wanted him to ask her permission (we''ve been a tight-knit group of just girls--my mom, my sister, and myself--for the past 15 years and I think we both felt it was a necessary step to ask her for her blessing)...so he did, when he knew he could do it face-to-face.

So now I''m waiting for him to ask *ME*.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I do not like the idea of asking the parents before asking the girl.

But, for a not too theoretical question (happened to guy I know). What will you do if they say "no"?

 

[IceExplorer]

I asked my future father-in-law on August 18, 2009. - over 6 months before.

I get along very well with him. We went out fishing one day and I asked him then (I planned it that way). I had no concerns of him saying no. I told him I planned on surprising her with the proposal and ring next spring (april/may but no set date). I told him I would appreciate if he kept it a secret even from his wife.

I read above how some people don''t believe in asking the family/father permission. I was of this opinion as well. My thoughts changed mainly because of the girl and how specific it would be to her:
-My GF is his only daughter (of 4 kids).
-My GF respects her father and mother tremendously.
-My GF''s Father is traditional and the 3 boys have provided NO TRADITION for her parents to relish in (2 knocked up their GF''s - 1 got married at city hall and the parents weren''t invited)
-Both my GF and I would really enjoy giving her father the opportunity to ''give his only daughter away'' in the traditional sense of the term.

She''s not being "given" for free though - I had to pay 2 goats, 6 chickens, a mule and 4 bushels of corn

 

[IceExplorer]

Date: 10/27/2009 5:41:13 PM
Author: vc10um
Just to chime in...


...my BF asked my mother for permission. And within 12 hours she had told me. He doesn't know I know.


But he also knew I wanted him to ask her permission (we've been a tight-knit group of just girls--my mom, my sister, and myself--for the past 15 years and I think we both felt it was a necessary step to ask her for her blessing)...so he did, when he knew he could do it face-to-face.


So now I'm waiting for him to ask *ME*.

You're mom is BAAAAAAAAAD!!!! LOL

I hope he knows that she told you and he makes you sweat it out for months!!

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/3/2009 4:57:32 PM
Author: IceExplorer

Date: 10/27/2009 5:41:13 PM
Author: vc10um
Just to chime in...


...my BF asked my mother for permission. And within 12 hours she had told me. He doesn''t know I know.


But he also knew I wanted him to ask her permission (we''ve been a tight-knit group of just girls--my mom, my sister, and myself--for the past 15 years and I think we both felt it was a necessary step to ask her for her blessing)...so he did, when he knew he could do it face-to-face.


So now I''m waiting for him to ask *ME*.

You''re mom is BAAAAAAAAAD!!!! LOL

I hope he knows that she told you and he makes you sweat it out for months!!

To my knowledge he has no clue that I know...

But that doesn''t mean I''m not sweating!!!!

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/3/2009 4:54:52 PM
Author: IceExplorer
I asked my future father-in-law on August 18, 2009. - over 6 months before.

I get along very well with him. We went out fishing one day and I asked him then (I planned it that way). I had no concerns of him saying no. I told him I planned on surprising her with the proposal and ring next spring (april/may but no set date). I told him I would appreciate if he kept it a secret even from his wife.

I read above how some people don''t believe in asking the family/father permission. I was of this opinion as well. My thoughts changed mainly because of the girl and how specific it would be to her:
-My GF is his only daughter (of 4 kids).
-My GF respects her father and mother tremendously.
-My GF''s Father is traditional and the 3 boys have provided NO TRADITION for her parents to relish in (2 knocked up their GF''s - 1 got married at city hall and the parents weren''t invited)
-Both my GF and I would really enjoy giving her father the opportunity to ''give his only daughter away'' in the traditional sense of the term.

She''s not being ''given'' for free though - I had to pay 2 goats, 6 chickens, a mule and 4 bushels of corn

I just LOL-ed in my office!

 

[IceExplorer]

Date: 11/5/2009 10:59:42 AM
Author: vc10um

Date: 11/3/2009 4:54:52 PM

Author: IceExplorer

I just LOL-ed in my office!

Oooops!
I hope you didn''t get in trouble!

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/5/2009 2:39:55 PM
Author: IceExplorer

Date: 11/5/2009 10:59:42 AM
Author: vc10um

Date: 11/3/2009 4:54:52 PM

Author: IceExplorer

I just LOL-ed in my office!

Oooops!
I hope you didn''t get in trouble!

Actually, quite the contrary... Fortunately, our building is comprised of many small offices which hold two people. My officemate is engaged and I''m helping her plan her wedding, so she was actually curious to hear my newest PS giggle, lol.