When is a friend no longer a friend?

[StacylikesSparkles]

I hope this doesn't come out wrong but if you can't even talk about the situation with your 'friend' how good a friend was she really? It seems like you're better off without her! If I can't talk with my friends about the negative things, they surely aren't going to be invited to share in the good things with me. You deserve a friend who will be there through good and bad and surely one who will come to your wedding and tell you about her pregnancy.

Congratulations on the baby!!

 

[amc80]

I hope this doesn't come out wrong but if you can't even talk about the situation with your 'friend' how good a friend was she really? It seems like you're better off without her! If I can't talk with my friends about the negative things, they surely aren't going to be invited to share in the good things with me. You deserve a friend who will be there through good and bad and surely one who will come to your wedding and tell you about her pregnancy.

Congratulations on the baby!!

Thanks!

You make a good point. She really was that good of a friend. I guess my mindset is why should I have to talk to her? She needs to take her head out of her a$$ and be a good friend. Me talking to her would just be another instance of my initiating something. Does that make sense? Hopefully I don't come off as a snotty little brat with that sentence. I think I'm just....done. Not writing her out of my life, but not expecting anything. I've got plenty to keep my time/energy/emotions busy these days without worrying about what her deal is....like this giant I'm apparently growing inside me!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

You're not being a brat at all! You're just deciding to cut out the not so good parts. If she starts to make the effort, then you'll know that these weird things with her were just a rough patch in your relationship. If you see that she isn't making an effort (like usual, it seems) then you'll know without a doubt that you've made the right choice. It is a way better choice to focus on the positive people (and that giant in your belly!!) in your life then to worry about someone who isn't worth it. I once read a quote from Maya Angelo that said “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." She is showing you her true self and it isn't someone you need to worry with!
You're holding her to the expectations that you hold yourself to. Sadly, not all people treat us the way we treat them.

 

[aussiemel]

I can absolutely understand where you are coming from, and I don´t think your´e being overly emotional because you´re pregnant. I would feel very hurt if it were me, people do make mistakes and if it was one thing I could maybe look past it but it has been several things with this person, the wedding situation would have ended it for me . It´s a shame that someone who you have known for so long who has been through so much with you has started acting like this, I really feel the problem lies with her and not you. I think there are some deeper issues with her going on here. If it were me I would have to talk to her about it and get it all out in the open, or even write her a letter, although that would probably mean the final end to the friendship, though at this stage I doubt it can be saved anyway. I was always a non-confrontational person too but I´m finding as I´m getting older that that is changing, and I´m quicker to speak my mind (in a nice way) because I´m tired of being walked on by some people. As sad as it is after all the history you have together I think this is a situation where you just have to let her go, it´s her loss. I wish you all the best for your pregnancy

 

[amc80]

Just wanted to up date you guys since you were so helpful with your advice.

About a week after I started this thread, my friend's grandma died. I had grown up knowing this lady and had spent a lot of time at her house and with her and her husband. She had been sick for a while so it wasn't out of the blue or anything. I got a (mass) text one morning from my friend giving me the news. I immediately responded with my condolences and asked about the funeral. She said she didn't have it yet but would let me know once she did.

The following week, I got a text one morning at about 8am...saying the services were at 10am that morning. Impossible for me to make, seeing how it's about a 3 hour drive.

Obviously I don't want to "demand" anything from anyone when they are in mourning...but it is just another example of her not being a good friend. I think that was the final straw. I'll still invite her to my baby shower, but this time won't be surprised when I hear nothing.

 

[ame]

That's a shame. Either she forgot to tell you or she deliberately waited to tell you knowing you couldn't possibly make it. Well, it's not worth expending the emotion on someone who can't expend any on you.

 

[Enerchi]

Oh that is sad news for your friend, the loss of her grandmother. Maybe the text just hours before the funeral was one of the many things on her mind that she was too sad to get to? I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in her grief.

Maybe let it rest a bit, contact once more when things may have settled a bit for her, then depending on how that plays out, that's when you can write her off. Sounds like she's heading down the slipper slope of "see ya!" , but I hate to loose friends and always wonder why these things happen. Would you give it another chance, post funeral?

How is your pregnancy going? Hope all is well and healthy!!

 

[amc80]

Oh that is sad news for your friend, the loss of her grandmother. Maybe the text just hours before the funeral was one of the many things on her mind that she was too sad to get to? I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in her grief.

Maybe let it rest a bit, contact once more when things may have settled a bit for her, then depending on how that plays out, that's when you can write her off. Sounds like she's heading down the slipper slope of "see ya!" , but I hate to loose friends and always wonder why these things happen. Would you give it another chance, post funeral?

How is your pregnancy going? Hope all is well and healthy!!

See, I didn't want to be the bratty friend who was all "your grandma just died, but why aren't you thinking about ME!" But, if the situation were reversed, I would have texted her...But maybe I'm just better at remembering things.

Pregnancy is going well, thanks for asking! Really starting to pop. Little boy is kicking away!

 

[Enerchi]

Oh that is sad news for your friend, the loss of her grandmother. Maybe the text just hours before the funeral was one of the many things on her mind that she was too sad to get to? I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in her grief.

Maybe let it rest a bit, contact once more when things may have settled a bit for her, then depending on how that plays out, that's when you can write her off. Sounds like she's heading down the slipper slope of "see ya!" , but I hate to loose friends and always wonder why these things happen. Would you give it another chance, post funeral?

How is your pregnancy going? Hope all is well and healthy!!

See, I didn't want to be the bratty friend who was all "your grandma just died, but why aren't you thinking about ME!" But, if the situation were reversed, I would have texted her...But maybe I'm just better at remembering things.

Pregnancy is going well, thanks for asking! Really starting to pop. Little boy is kicking away!

I see what you mean about the ME thing. Maybe after you could contact her about her pregnancy and compare notes, so to speak. See how that convo goes, then make your decision from there??

Maybe her pregnancy isn't going well and she's busy with #1 and her grandmothers health/death....? This could be a good time to give her some support thru her challenges, but don't expect anything in return. I think this girl has just moved away from things. She's in another head space at this point.

Friends are tough, aren't they? Why can't life be easy and we all get along, eh? ugh, I hate conflict!

 

[Pandora II]

Since you are close with her mother why not give her a call?

 

[amc80]

Since you are close with her mother why not give her a call?

I sent a card to both her mother and the grandpa. The mom travels for work a lot and is hard to talk to on the phone.

Again, thanks to everyone for the advice. I don't want to close the door on the friendship, I'm just going to expect nothing in return, at least for now. Someday we might be close again, and when/if that happens, I'll welcome it.

Friends are tough, aren't they? Why can't life be easy and we all get along, eh? ugh, I hate conflict!

I know, right?

 

[pregcurious]

I vote for flakey, and maybe that she feels like she has her own circle now. Some people don't appreciate old friends.

 

[partgypsy]

Talking as a lazy/flakey friend It could just be distance. I guess I am a kind of bad friend, in that a couple my husband and I both like, well they moved less than 30 minutes away, and we see them so much less than I expected from that move. but they live in a different town, their kids are in different schools with different friends, they have different neighbors which they get together instead. We saw them last month, and each time we see them we are like, that was really nice, why don't we do this more often? But the distance barrier is enough to make us see each other more acquantice level. Here I am talking maybe 30 minutes away. She lives 3 1/2 hours away. It is really no excuse but she probably is just developing a different circle of friends where she lives, her husbands friends, etc. It takes genuine effort to keep a friendship going if there is not natural reason to frequently interact. Maybe you have the energy/motivation, but maybe she (and most people) don't.

 

[aviastar]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this stress-losing a friend is awful. But, if you can, I would encourage you to try and speak with her mom and ask if everything is ok. I was in a very similar situation, friends since birth, school together- this girl was more my sister than a friend. She started getting more and more distant and another of our good friends noticed it at the same time and the same sort of things as I did. Well, it got worse and worse and there we were feeling terrible and angry about it, especially when she got pregnant and had her baby and we weren't told about the blessing even though we wanted to attend and she wouldn't send any pictures- it was really bizarre and odd behavior for her and made us feel like crap.

Turns out- she's very very depressed, suffered/is still suffering from post partum, anorexia, ocd...it's very bad. Two years later, she's doing much better and we did have to change our expectations about her reactions and involvement. But I still call just to leave a message and tell her I love her even though I know it won't get returned because I want her to hear it. This spring she is going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding ( ) which is HUGE for both of us. Things will probably never be the same with her, even though her treatment is getting so much better, but she's the sister to my soul and I would hate myself forever if I walked away because she was ill and it was hard to be there for her.

If this is weird behavior for your friend, give her the benefit of the doubt, find out if she is ok- you never know what she might be dealing with and how much she might really need your support even if she can't give much back right now. I honestly hope that isn't the case, but I would very much encourage you to ask her family and find out if she is ok. It will set our mind at ease and allow you to make an informed decision about how much interaction you want/need from her.

Good luck!

 

[Imdanny]

Well, she definitely is engaged in a negative behavioral pattern. I would not contact her. I would let her come to me. The way she's acting is not nice and whatever her problem is you shouldn't have to suffer because of it

I have two old friends who want to be part of my life but were making me miserable. I started ignoring both. Months later one of them sent me an email, but had dropped the BS. The other one can do the same, or I'm not replying to him. YOUR life is busy enough without negativity from people who should be supporting you, not tearing you down.

The person I'm talking to again is my best friend from college. The one I'm not I've known since I was 3 and is a friend of the family.

 

[amc80]

Well, she definitely is engaged in a negative behavioral pattern. I would not contact her. I would let her come to me. The way she's acting is not nice and whatever her problem is you shouldn't have to suffer because of it

I have two old friends who want to be part of my life but were making me miserable. I started ignoring both. Months later one of them sent me an email, but had dropped the BS. The other one can do the same, or I'm not replying to him. YOUR life is busy enough without negativity from people who should be supporting you, not tearing you down.

The person I'm talking to again is my best friend from college. The one I'm not I've known since I was 3 and is a friend of the family.

Thanks for sharing the story. Great advice! While there could be something going on, I really don't think that's the case. Mainly because it's not like this just started recently. It's been a good year now and she's has so many opportunities to be a good friend, yet it's always me initiating contact. Some people just get wrapped up in their own worlds, leaving the rest of us to either keep grasping or give it a break.