What would you do? A giving dilemma

[Independent Gal]

I''ve mentioned before my Cousin E, who is my only relative in this part of the world. She is my grammy''s first cousin, who is 87 years old. I''ve also mentioned that she is a very wealthy woman (she''s the one who got me addicted to diamonds by taking me to Graff). Anyway, we met for lunch today and she was telling me about a dilemma that''s on her mind. I thought I''d run it by you ladies since I wasn''t able to help her.

So, a while back, Cousin E had her knees replaced, and she hired a nurse / companion lady to help her out until she was well again. She told me that they have stayed in touch, although she does not consider this woman - let''s call her Mary - a friend... it''s more that they''re friendLY. Apparently, Mary got in financial trouble and Cousin E gave her a loan, which she paid back over a period of a couple of years. She got in trouble again and E gave her more money. This time not as a loan. Then she was asked for more. Then she got very uncomfortable about it and when she gave Mary the money said ''This is the last time.''

So, now, Mary is apparently seeking more money. She has had surgery and can''t work at the moment, and I''m assuming she''s also older. Cousin E is very upset by this and feels that she is being used. At the same time, she feels she can''t just turn this woman away. It''s not as though E can''t afford to help, without putting herself to any hardship. E is obviously deeply bothered by this, but I didn''t know what to tell her, since I think if I were in her shoes, I would also be quite uncomfortable. It''s one thing to give freely, it''s another to feel you''re being milked.

Any ideas or suggestions? What would you do?

 

[Sabine]

Grrr...money ONLY complicates life!!!! This really is a difficult situation. Is E sure that there is no one else this woman can turn to for help? If she really is desperate, could E possibly go back to loaning her money so that she is sure she is not being used? That way the woman is able to get back on her feet, but E isn''t just a money-giver.

 

[perry]

I tend to agree with your cousin E. She is being used.

Now it may be that Mary has no where else to turn; but E has been more than helpfull and far far more generous than many (and I''ve been in her shoes).

Personally I see a pattern there that I don''t like. There are people that once they know they can get money from somewhere... just leach on and take all they can get. The list of stories (or life events) just keeps changing.

Only in a verry special situation where I knew a lot more inforamtion would I even consider sending another penny.

I know a number of wealthy people. They like to help - but they are darn carefull abouit what their donated money is really being used for and if it is really making a difference.

Perry

 

[KimberlyH]

No more money for Mary.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 9/27/2007 6:34:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
No more money for Mary.

Yeah, I tend to agree - your cousin has graciously given her cash without expectation of repayment on several occasions, including the last time when she explicitly told her it would be ''the last time.'' I think that now, your cousin should keep her word...to herself. No more. I know it''s tough, and it seems your cousin is a very thoughtful person. But it''s time Mary fends for herself.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 9/27/2007 8:33:15 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 9/27/2007 6:34:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
No more money for Mary.

Yeah, I tend to agree - your cousin has graciously given her cash without expectation of repayment on several occasions, including the last time when she explicitly told her it would be ''the last time.'' I think that now, your cousin should keep her word...to herself. No more. I know it''s tough, and it seems your cousin is a very thoughtful person. But it''s time Mary fends for herself.

Yep, and she will, once it''s cut off.

It''s an uncomfortable position for E to be in, but she needs to nip this one in the bud.

 

[VegasAngel]

Reason #125463 why I do not loan people money. She is being used & needs to tell this person NO. I would have a hard time asking for money even one time I cant even fathom asking numerous times.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 9/27/2007 8:40:52 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 9/27/2007 8:33:15 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 9/27/2007 6:34:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
No more money for Mary.

Yeah, I tend to agree - your cousin has graciously given her cash without expectation of repayment on several occasions, including the last time when she explicitly told her it would be ''the last time.'' I think that now, your cousin should keep her word...to herself. No more. I know it''s tough, and it seems your cousin is a very thoughtful person. But it''s time Mary fends for herself.

Yep, and she will, once it''s cut off.

It''s an uncomfortable position for E to be in, but she needs to nip this one in the bud.

Ditto!

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/27/2007 6:34:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
No more money for Mary.

DITTO.

 

[partgypsy]

It''s Mary''s right to ask for money, and it''s Cousin E''s right to say no. End of dilemna.

 

[Harleigh]

I think your Cousin E is way too kind and needs to put an end to being taken advantage of. She has a good heart and deep pockets, and when that loan was repaid, she may have felt proud to have helped someone she was friendLY with, but a second and third time...there''s no excuse. I really hope she can find a way to say no and feel better about everything. Sorry she''s going through this.

 

[sera]

If your cousin gives in after having said, "this is the last time;" I would bet Mary will be asking again and again and again. There would never be a last time despite circumstances changing unless Mary's heart changes.

If I were Mary and had been told, "this is the last time," I would have respected that if I valued the relationship (even if not "friends") to not put them in an uncomfortable situation and would have had the integrity to not ask someone to go against their word.

There are resources (organizations) out there where she can get help.

There are people out there who truly do need help and have had a bad run of luck so they need help repeatedly, BUT if this Mary was sincerely in need of help and not just using your cousin, I don't believe your cousin would feel used.

Your cousin could always try to get some information on organizations that could help her rather than giving her money. Can't she get something from the government? Unemployment or SSI or something?

 

[Kaleigh]

Your cousin E needs to say NO to Mary this time around.

 

[monarch64]

Ditto, no more money for Mary! It''s wonderful that your Cousin E. has been so generous and kind to her caretaker, but it''s becoming very apparent that Mary is now seeing Cousin E as less of a patient and more as a bank account, which is obviously quite unfortunate. If there is one more thing Cousin E could possibly grant Mary, it would be first contacting her own attorney and determining the best course of action from there.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, I see what you mean. The thing is, I could see it being a joyful thing to decide to support Mary and her family, since it doesn''t affect E''s own quality of life at all. But there''s a difference between giving and being begged repeatedly to give, doing it freely and being pressured into it.

One of you said you can''t imagine even asking. I''m with you, I can''t even ask my PARENTS for money (well, I did ask for help with the wedding come to think of it!), and can''t begin to imagine asking a client (which is what E was) multiple times. But then, maybe Mary''s situation really is so dire that she doesn''t know what else to do? Or maybe she sees how E lives and thinks she''s entitled? But, since nobody but the couple of museums that are E''s heirs will suffer by her helping, I understand why E feels like she should help.

ICK. It all makes me shudder. Both thinking about what it would be to be so desperate that you would beg a client for money, and thinking about the demeaning position of being used and made into a bank by someone who physically cared for you when you were at your most vulnerable.

 

[iheartscience]

Well, if Cousin E feels uncomfortable, then I think she knows it''s best not to keep giving money to Mary. Sometimes we have to rely on our instincts, you know?

I''m sure there are other ways Mary can get by while she recovers-disability, unemployment, charities, etc. Maybe E can suggest these to her in an uninsulting way. "I''m sorry Mary-the last time I lent you money was the last time I could lend you money. Please look into X, Y and Z as alternatives."

 

[crown1]

since you have explained very well how your cousin is in a position to help, if she wishes, i tend to agree with you that maybe it should be explored. to a limited degree.

if you are comfortable being a part of this charitable project i would sit down with the cousin and mary and discuss what her expenses are and how your cousin may help in a limited way. if she can produce reasonable proof of her needs and you find them legit and also if she discloses her finances to your satisfaction maybe you could work out some way to pay some of the necessary expenses. i would advise mary of the limit that your cousin has to contribute and help her find public assistance if it is warranted. if she is just begging for money without good reason then you can advise your cousin that mary is using her. i think the fact that your cousin has asked for your counsel is a good sign.

 

[ljmorgan]

I think that giving is a wonderful thing, and that your Cousin E sounds like a generous person. Unfortunately for her, she is being used by Mary. It''s sad to think that some people will try to guilt money out of someone, and I have no doubt that Mary may actually be in financial hardship. However, your cousin has graciously bailed her out several times, and even warned her that the cash cow was shutting down. You have to gently remind your cousin that her good financial fortune doesn''t obligate her to continulously give money to those who can''t manage their own.

Also, I guarantee you that your cousin giving Mary more money will not give your cousin any joy at all. She needs to do the hard thing and gently explain to Mary that she cannot keep bailing her out. She could make an excuse that her money is all tied up in CDs and won''t be available for many months, or that she has already overextended her finances for the year. That will help her ward off Mary''s inevitable guilt trips when your cousin doesn''t deliver the money.