What to do about bitter sister

[Jambalaya]

OMD, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through all this, but I think you did the right thing to talk to her. She knows how you feel, and the door is open for the future.

My sister was also a very difficult person and just seemed to hate me for most of our lives. It was such a pity because I never had any problem with her, but she just seemed to detest me for being born. She was one of those children who never really got over a sibling coming along. As middle-aged adults we got on better because she stopped being quite so filled with hate, but I couldn't forget the many decades of constant contempt from her and so it was never free and easy between us, although we papered the cracks.

But when she, and other family members died, it felt so empty and I wished that I had made the most of whatever was there, even if wasn't very much. Because when someone is gone, they're really gone, and there is no relief that the difficult person is dead, just emptiness.

So I think you did the right thing to talk to her directly. Life is short in one way, but long in another. Times will pass, she'll probably marry and have kids, you will become older, and possibly closer once your parents go. That's what happened for us. I think she is who she is for now, and you have done your best for now, but time may well change things. It does sound as if she has a lot of pressures.

Try if you can to forget about her for the time being xxx

 

[aljdewey]

I'm so sorry about your relationship with your sister ending. It sounds like you are in a place of peace now.

If by peace you mean acceptance, then yes, I am. It isn't the way I wish it would be, and I'm sorry it couldn't have worked out differently too, but it is what it is and I've found peace in acceptance.

I will also say that I know my outcome isn't the right outcome for everyone; in fact, it wasn't for me throughout those years I held hope.

For as long as you do decide to maintain communication with her and try to forge a better relationship, just be true to yourself and continue to tell her when you find something hurtful. We really do teach people how to treat us (or what we will/won't accept for treatment), and that's an important component of building a relationship.

Luck to you both.

 

[Imdanny]

I wish I knew. My sister was in charge of sending small urns with my mother's ashes to my brother and me. She gave mine to a neighborhood friend. I found out on the first anniversary of my mother's death when I looked on Facebook and saw his picture with the urn I chose and didn't get. It hurt my feelings profoundly. I confronted her. She lied, said she still had mine, and that he "took the extra one that must just look like" mine. I didn't say anything else, didn't speak to her for six months, and can no longer trust her. Her texts are bitter, bizarre, and thoughtless. I just ignore her when this happens. I'm not hurt by it anymore, just disappointed.

 

[Babybear73]

I logged on to this forum somewhat accidentally. I can understand both sides b/c I too was exactly like your sister. I went to medical school years 15 yrs ago and now I have perspective. Is she a 4th yr med student now? If so, then she has been abused by really mean residents very recently in her 3rd yr clerkship. Likely, any female residents were very tough and demanding. At the same time, these female residents may seem to have it "all together" as well.

She is struggling with being in charge. She's expected to know a lot of info, but at the same time, being the lowest man on the totem pole in terms of medical knowledge---she knows nothing. She's probably reminded of that over and over.

So, she lashes out at you--the admirer, the one who stands by. She wants to feel that boost and feel like the big fish again. Unfortunately, this is the only way how. She was probably the go-getter in high school and college. Now, in medical school, she might even be struggling compared to her other classmates. (The harder you work does not equate to success here). So, she feels very insecure. And that great influx of knowledge that she has digested--makes her feel like she know so much more than the rest of the world. It can be dangerous for the "layman" surrounding her.

Unfortunately, she is heading to a rude awakening very soon. She thinks that she knows it all now--but once she becomes an intern, the abuse really starts. She will be scutted out, forced to do everything that her senior residents and attendings want her to do. She is going to be overworked and underappreciated.

At the same time, the knowledge that she is actually the one taking care of lives, sick ones, may serve to humble her. But, it may also poison her and make everything else "seem so trivial." Moreover, the adage that we all chanted "delayed gratification" may not be truly realized for her. Hard to say what will happen.

She probably looks at you and sees a happy woman who didn't have to "work" as hard as her. You have a happy home, are probably secure financially, have lovely children. She will not be there for at least another 4 yrs. So, she's not feeling good right now.

Now that doesn't give her any right to treat you that way. I think that approaching her is the wrong thing. B/c she's too insecure right now to see herself as trying to fit in the academic medical world right now. Again, she's the lower ranking "intellectual" right now. She's trying to figure out how to think/communicate/speak.

You're going to have a tough time with her.

My sister distanced herself from me. She didn't want to be the punching bag. I didn't realized how distant we had become--mostly b/c I was so busy. It wasn't until I graduated my residency that I figured that out. But once I had kids, I was able to build the bridge back to her.

Good luck, I don't know if any of this is helpful...

 

[SylviaF]

I logged on to this forum somewhat accidentally. I can understand both sides b/c I too was exactly like your sister. I went to medical school years 15 yrs ago and now I have perspective. Is she a 4th yr med student now? If so, then she has been abused by really mean residents very recently in her 3rd yr clerkship. Likely, any female residents were very tough and demanding. At the same time, these female residents may seem to have it "all together" as well.

She is struggling with being in charge. She's expected to know a lot of info, but at the same time, being the lowest man on the totem pole in terms of medical knowledge---she knows nothing. She's probably reminded of that over and over.

So, she lashes out at you--the admirer, the one who stands by. She wants to feel that boost and feel like the big fish again. Unfortunately, this is the only way how. She was probably the go-getter in high school and college. Now, in medical school, she might even be struggling compared to her other classmates. (The harder you work does not equate to success here). So, she feels very insecure. And that great influx of knowledge that she has digested--makes her feel like she know so much more than the rest of the world. It can be dangerous for the "layman" surrounding her.

Unfortunately, she is heading to a rude awakening very soon. She thinks that she knows it all now--but once she becomes an intern, the abuse really starts. She will be scutted out, forced to do everything that her senior residents and attendings want her to do. She is going to be overworked and underappreciated.

At the same time, the knowledge that she is actually the one taking care of lives, sick ones, may serve to humble her. But, it may also poison her and make everything else "seem so trivial." Moreover, the adage that we all chanted "delayed gratification" may not be truly realized for her. Hard to say what will happen.

She probably looks at you and sees a happy woman who didn't have to "work" as hard as her. You have a happy home, are probably secure financially, have lovely children. She will not be there for at least another 4 yrs. So, she's not feeling good right now.

Now that doesn't give her any right to treat you that way. I think that approaching her is the wrong thing. B/c she's too insecure right now to see herself as trying to fit in the academic medical world right now. Again, she's the lower ranking "intellectual" right now. She's trying to figure out how to think/communicate/speak.

You're going to have a tough time with her.

My sister distanced herself from me. She didn't want to be the punching bag. I didn't realized how distant we had become--mostly b/c I was so busy. It wasn't until I graduated my residency that I figured that out. But once I had kids, I was able to build the bridge back to her.

Good luck, I don't know if any of this is helpful...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It does help a ton to hear from former med students, as it helps me to understand what she's going through. She is a fourth year med student and everything you say, the competition and abuse, sounds very familiar from our conversations.

I'm so glad that you were ale to find a balance after your residency, and that you reconnected with your sister.

 

[SylviaF]

I wish I knew. My sister was in charge of sending small urns with my mother's ashes to my brother and me. She gave mine to a neighborhood friend. I found out on the first anniversary of my mother's death when I looked on Facebook and saw his picture with the urn I chose and didn't get. It hurt my feelings profoundly. I confronted her. She lied, said she still had mine, and that he "took the extra one that must just look like" mine. I didn't say anything else, didn't speak to her for six months, and can no longer trust her. Her texts are bitter, bizarre, and thoughtless. I just ignore her when this happens. I'm not hurt by it anymore, just disappointed.

Im so sorry. What a heinous things to do. That must have been, and continue to be, very painful.