what is your opinion on "breaks"?

[dec2410]

hello ladies - i wanted to pose a question. how do you guys feel about breaks? have you guys been in a relationship where you felt like you needed a break or your SO needed one? if so, what was the outcome? how long was it? were you guys in contact with one another? how did you cope?

so the story behind all these questions is that my bf and i are kind of on a break but not...? after talking in circles for a month about needs and how we weren''t fulfilling each other''s, we finally admitted (or he finally admitted) that he has a lot of growing to do. he has a lot of baggage from previous relationships (almost all his previous gf''s cheated on him) and issues with betrayal and insecurity and we both feel that he needs to work on himself right now. i have a lot of issues too, but i''ve been working on mine, slowly. right now, we''re not really focusing on our relationship cuz we need to be focusing on ourselves . we''re giving each other space, but are still in light contact. as much as i think it would be best to not be in contact at all, we''re both super active in our church and there is no way to not see him there.

i don''t know what will happen between us, but personal growth is so important and i want to give him the space and opportunity to grow. so thus my question about "breaks. i just want some perspective....

thanks ladies!

 

[sunnyd]

In my experience, breaks did not do anything. But my breaks were more like breakups; we just got back together because it was comfortable, we were lonely, whatever. That''s all I''ll really say, because it doesn''t sound like we went through the same thing. Good luck.

 

[meresal]

Every situation is different, but I think a break is a break-up.

The thing is, you are going to come across issues no matter how old you are, and you should surround yourself with people that you can confide in and that you know are going to be there when you need them... as you will be for them.

IMO, I don''t see how breaks are healthy, because they don''t prepare you for how to handle real life situations.

How long have you all been doing this, minimal talk thing? Are you sure one of you isn''t just trying to pull away without having to hurt the other?

 

[dec2410]

we''ve done the minimal talking for a week or so.

my SO also has an issue with isolation. when things bother him, he isolates himself and doesn''t talk about it with anyone...going about his life like nothing''s wrong. he''s recognized this and how its ruining our relationship. if i thought he was just using this as a ploy to get away, then i''d expect that he''d just keep himself busy with working out and hanging out with his firefighter buddies. but he''s actually, for the first time in our relationship, seeking counsel from our pastor and other men in our church. i''m noticing that he''s been meeting with with guys from my church that are now engaged/married but had time away from their now FI/DW. he''s really been much more open and honest with me...the most he''s been in a very long time.

all that said....maybe i''m in denial, but i don''t see this "break" as an excuse to just pull away.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:01:49 PM
Author: meresal
Every situation is different, but I think a break is a break-up.

The thing is, you are going to come across issues no matter how old you are, and you should surround yourself with people that you can confide in and that you know are going to be there when you need them... as you will be for them.

IMO, I don''t see how breaks are healthy, because they don''t prepare you for how to handle real life situations.

How long have you all been doing this, minimal talk thing? Are you sure one of you isn''t just trying to pull away without having to hurt the other?

Ditto to meresal. Every relationship I''ve been in that required a "break" ended up in a break-up. Or we got back together and ended up breaking up again. If something comes up that''s so big that the two people in the relationship can''t work it out without a break, then most likely they''re not meant to be together, IMO.

I agree 100% with the part about how when you want to spend the rest of your life together you should be facing things together. At some point, everyone has to go through something difficult and have an issue come up in their life and you need to be able to handle the problem together.

From reading your past posts and now this one, I have to say it sounds like there are lots of things going on and it seems like you might be better of looking forward to the future instead of to the past.

Good luck!

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:08:11 PM
Author: waitingpatiently
we've done the minimal talking for a week or so.

my SO also has an issue with isolation. when things bother him, he isolates himself and doesn't talk about it with anyone...going about his life like nothing's wrong. he's recognized this and how its ruining our relationship. if i thought he was just using this as a ploy to get away, then i'd expect that he'd just keep himself busy with working out and hanging out with his firefighter buddies. but he's actually, for the first time in our relationship, seeking counsel from our pastor and other men in our church. i'm noticing that he's been meeting with with guys from my church that are now engaged/married but had time away from their now FI/DW. he's really been much more open and honest with me...the most he's been in a very long time.

all that said....maybe i'm in denial, but i don't see this 'break' as an excuse to just pull away.

My only comment, as I have never been in a strong religious relationship other than an ex that broke-up with me to go to Seminary school.

No matter how religious you are, you have to have open communication with your SO, and I will always agree that you go to your spouse first. It is not just your relationship that will suffer because of his "closed-off" attitude, it is EVERY relationship he will ever have.

You have said that your SO pulls away and is seeking help at your church. You just have to decide if you think that he can actually change, wants to change, (and this is what I realized it really takes) is that he needs to realize WHY coming to you is the better answer. Communication is a two way street and both parties have to want to talk, or else it just won't work, IMO.

ETA: It's crazy, but when I met my husband, I knew that everything I ever had to say, I wanted him to hear it first.

Do you feel like this is the person that you want to be with? Why are you worried at this point? Is he giving you some reason to worry? The reason I ask is because you started this thread ofr a reason, and if you were comfortable with the way that the break is going, you probably wouldn't be asking question about it. Just my .02

 

[Erin]

IMO a break is a prelude to a break-up.
My only advice is that if you are on a break, make sure the first person you tell your good and bad news to is someone else. Keep it minimal with the SO.

 

[4ever]

I don''t see a break as a good thing. If your relationship is so bad you need a "break" from the other person then maybe you should be seriously thinking about weather or not this is a relationship that you want to be in for the rest of your life.

I sounds like you both have some stuff to sort out but I agree with what has been said above, sorting things out together with more communication is probably better then being apart when things are bad.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Sorry to hear you''re going through a rough patch. I thought I could give you a little perspective because I went through a break with my boyfriend awhile back. About this time last year, we were having problems. What it all came down to was I was ready to settle down and get married, and he wasn''t ready to give me the kind of commitment I needed. He had a different job back then that required him to work 60 hours a week and to regularly attend events during the evening. We were both tired of the bickering, and since I had no assurance he would ever be ready to settle down with me, the only healthy thing for me was to move on. He didn''t want to break up, and instead wanted to take some time to cool down, but I insisted we break up, and I really did think it was over. After about 4 months of almost no communication, we started emailing, then talking on the phone, and decided to see each other again. We took it slowly at first, and really started formally dating again. We are now on the verge of becoming engaged, and we have never been closer.

The thing is though, the break really wasn''t what resolved our problems. When we first got back together again, things hadn''t really changed and I felt the old problems creeping up again. It was other events, including somewhat of a crisis, him changing his priorities and changing jobs and realizing that he didn''t want to risk losing me, that made our relationship strong again. And we truly are stronger than ever. I love him more than I ever could have imagined a year ago.

So I guess my point is, I don''t think a break itself will really solve anything. If you truly believe he realizes he has some issues and is willing to work on them and willing to be a better communicator, then maybe it is worth waiting it out awhile. But if he is not willing to work on those issues, I don''t think you will find your relationship is any different after the break. Trust your instincts and always be open to other possibilities.

 

[Bleed Burnt Orange]

To be blunt and make a long story short... a break = a break up. No need to get back with someone you need to take a break from. There is a reason for the break. If one can''t be with someone and needs breaks, they shouldn''t be with that person ultimatetly.

the end. (p.s. That''s just my opinion.

)

 

[princesss]

I''m not going to speak to breaks as a whole, because there are a ton of reasons for them, but I will tell you what happened to me.

Around February I started going crazy. I surrounded myself with single girlfriends, and we went out all the time. They used me as "bait" to get guys to come over, because I''m outgoing and fairly pretty (or at least a good hand with a make-up brush), and I had a boyfriend so I wasn''t competition. I got a lot of attention, and started really feeling special and paid attention to - something my stressed out, depressed BF wasn''t able to do for me since he was at work most nights/every weekend.

I was also deeply unhappy about a lot of things. I hated my job, I hated the city I live in, I didn''t have any close friends, and I was feeling very restricted. None of this had anything to do with my boyfriend, it''s just how things were.

So I started thinking it was him that was tying me down - I couldn''t leave the country because of him (my choice, but I still felt claustrophobic about it). I couldn''t feel right about talking to other guys (which I shouldn''t have been doing in the first place). I never saw him, he was homesick, I''d be miserable if I were in his shoes, and finally I thought I had a solution - if we broke up, I''d be free to do what I wanted, he could go home and be with his friends and family, and I could take the first flight out as soon as I got a job without having to worry. PERFECT!

We took a two week break at his request, and I went about my life (because, for me, it was a break up that just hadn''t been finalized). I felt great. I felt energized. A few people on here can tell you - I kind of went nuts (I think Tacori and Freke got the brunt of it, but several others were there for me). But I was looking for him EVERYWHERE. I didn''t realize it at the time, but I was constantly checking rooms, looking for him to smile to or share a joke with.

I had to get my head on straight. I had to think about what I wanted, and what I could do with him, and what made me feel like I was being held back. When I started taking a cold, hard look at things, I made an unsettling discovery. I had made a mistake! (I hate making mistakes...) I had to think about what each path would lead me to - and I realized they could lead me to the same things, just with or without him there.

We had an agreed-upon meeting date to talk and finalize things, and I was chatting with Freke (telling her I wasn''t in any position to be anybody''s girlfriend, because I was batshit insane at the time - though I think I left that last part out) when he knocked at the door. I opened it, and it was like I got my heart back. I had been SO empty without him. Everything was half-hearted without having him there. It wasn''t going back because it was comfortable, or because I just couldn''t be alone, though I''m sure many people think it was. I went back because after realizing what I''d done (taken my unhappiness out on him, and recklessly made decisions for him instead of doing the logical thing and talking to him about it), and realizing how wrong I was, I knew that I was in a place where I could do what I want to WITH him. And I want to always be with him. It''s taking more compromise to figure out how we''ll manage to accomplish the goals both of us have set for ourselves, but I''m so much happier about that than I am when I think about what I could have done.

If he''s taking the time to work on himself, that''s a good thing. You two may not get back together, and if I were you I''d work under that assumption and just work on yourself. Think about what you want and what makes you happy, and go for it. We cut all communication, and I think that was healthiest for us. I think we''re the exception - I was able to re-commit 100% to the relationship. After we got back together I slowly phased out the girls I was spending time with and made sure that the decisions I made reflected my new priorities: self/relationship first, healthy atmosphere second, drinking buddies....nowhere near third. I made better friends. I made better choices.

If he''s able to really commit, I think it''ll be a really great thing for you. But be prepared for the idea that he may not be able to do this, and this is a break-up. Sometimes breaks work, sometimes they don''t. I think it''s best for each person to focus on themselves during the break, wihtout thinking about how what they''re doing affects the other person. It''s a good time to reflect on your life and priorities, and make some good decisions.

 

[Allison D.]

To me, a break implies we're on 'recess', and in committed relationships, I don't believe in recess. We're either in an exclusive relationship, or we're not.

For me, if either party (or both) decides s/he need time away from an exclusive relationship, it's no longer exclusive. If the reason for the split was something that won't improve later (i.e. determined we aren't compatible, no longer want relationship with each other, cheating, etc), it's unlikely we'll see each other again.

If the reason for the split was less contentious (i.e. I'm not sure what I want, I'm not ready to make the relationship permanent, etc.), we may still elect to see each other with the understanding that we are now dating, which means non-exclusivity. If we both end up on the same page down the line, we may return to an exclusive relationship; if not, we won't.

I wouldn't consider a 'break' to be a temporary thing that will likely result in returning to a committed relationship. I'm not fond of the concept of break as in 'taking a break' it implies that it's only temporary with an expectation that things will eventually be restored as they were, and I don't believe that's the norm.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sorry for rambling...

My husband and I have been together for 6 years (married for just about 17 months). When we began dating, it was pretty casual at first because he wasn''t quite sure what he wanted. An ex girlfriend had recently been in touch with him and it made him wonder if he wanted to try working things out with her. I gave him space so he could figure it out, and it only took a few weeks for him to realize that things were never going to work out between them. We ended up officially becoming a couple not long after that.

About a year later, we began talking about the future more seriously than we had previously. Again, my husband wasn''t sure what he wanted. He knew he wanted to be with me, but he wasn''t sure he wanted all that that would entail (possibly having kids, etc.). The way I saw it, he just wasn''t ready to fully commit to having a future with me, and like your boyfriend, mine had some growing to do. We took a break for a month or so. It wasn''t a long time, but it was enough for him to see what life would be like without me in it. He came crawling back and I took him in, so to speak. A few months later, we moved in together on a permanent, full time basis.

It was really hard to take a break both times, but it needed to be done. I don''t necessarily think that taking a break means breaking up all together. I guess it just depends on what your relationship is like and what you see for your future. No matter what happens, it will be a time of personal growth for both of you (even if your boyfriend is the one who has the growing to do). Best wishes WP!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

A break = a break up.

I think your bf is showing maturity by openly saying he has growing up to do before he settles down. He''s telling you clearly that he''s not ready and IMO may not be ready for a while. I think it''s great that you''re taking time to work on your own issues, but he can''t work on his until he''s ready to. You can lead a horse to water, but you can''t make him drink. I''m not meaning to be Debbie Downer here, I''m trying to be realistic. Sometimes you meet the right person, but if the timing isn''t right, it''s just not going to work out.

If I were in your position I would step back and focus on my own life. Give him the space he needs, show him that I have a life outside of your relationship. By knowing and understanding yourself you can commit yourself to the relationship more deeply. I understand that you''re there, but he''s not there right now and only alone time will help him get there.

I''m sorry this wasn''t a more positive post, I wish you the best.

 

[luckynumber]

break=break up

that is all.

 

[Lauren8211]

It''s a breakup with a tiny stipulation that allows you to run back to one another when it gets too lonely.

If you''re in a serious relationship, you should count on one another to fix relationship problems. You turn IN, not out.

 

[Liane]

I''m in the "break = break-up" camp.

In my experience, guys usually suggest a "break" when they want to date around but also want to keep the girl from seeing other guys. It''s an excuse to give themselves some freedom while denying it (or trying to deny it) to the girl because hey, they''re not broken up, they''re just on a "break." Riiiiight.

If you decide to get back together, fine, treat it like any other relationship where you''re seeing an ex again. But a guy who suggests a "break" is an ex. He doesn''t get to put you on the Reserved shelf while checking out other books, so to speak.

 

[bee*]

I''m also another than thinks break=break up. I think someone else said it earlier, but to me you should work through your problems together if you''re going to stay with each other. If you have to take a break when the going gets tough, what happens when you get married, have kids etc.

 

[purrfectpear]

"I need my space" translates to "I don''t want to hear you whine, or have to sneak around when I see others - but you look good as a Plan B backup if singledom doesn''t pan out so well"

 

[Lilac]

Break = breakup.

You''re either in a committed relationship or you''re not. If you are, then you shouldn''t be running away from each other when you have problems - you should be working *together* to fix them.

I don''t have experience with breaks because DH was my first boyfriend, but there have been situations where we could have chosen to take a "break." But we never even considered it because we were fully committed to each other and to our future together. Even if we were going through a rough patch, we never wanted a break from each other - we wanted to talk it through together and work it out. We were completely committed to each other so a break wasn''t even a topic of discussion. Now that we''re married we''ve carried that thought process over to our marriage - divorce or separation isn''t something we consider because we would rather work things out together and be together than apart.

I''m sure there are situations where people take breaks and end up together and happily married, but in my experience (seeing my friends/relatives) it''s pretty rare. Most of the time if people take a break, eventually they break up.

 

[SparklyRing]

Like many of the other posters, I feel like a break is a sign that a relationship is not working. Speaking from experience, there was a relationship that I had where we were constantly taking breaks. We had been together for almost two years and were in denial that it was not working out. We didn''t want to really break up and throw away our 2 years together, so we took breaks to get away from each other and to have some "space". We finally realized that it was not going to work out no matter how many breaks we took.

Another issue is faithfulness during breaks. I know people of both genders who think that breaks give them free reign to meet and hook up with other people. Of course, this is not to say that this is the case with everyone, but I still think that breaks are a warning sign.

Good luck!

 

[Indylady]

I have to disagree with many of the lovely ladies above. I do not think that a break means a break up. After reading many LIW threads, I think that I take relationships (perhaps life) in a way that is much more relaxed than others.


Relations are beautiful but sometimes hard. Life isn''t a fairytale...things are rarely perfect; no matter how much perspective you get from the ladies on this board, your relationship is always going to be unique and there are always exceptions. I know what I just said was vague; but so is the advice from all of the ladies on this thread (with the exception of a few). They don''t know you, or your SO. In my opinion, posting questions for strangers to answer can be dangerous...there have been so many just on this thread that have dismissed your relationship with a single sentence. Its probably one of many threads they''ve replied to today, they probably read through your post and skimmed through the responses before throwing in their 2 cents. I think that its important that you take this, and the rest of the advice given, as simply their 2 cents. If this guy is the one, then I know you can make it through. A break just might be the kick in the butt you need to get on the right track. Good luck, and best wishes!

 

[jewelz617]

If I ever wanted a break from my husband while we were dating, I wouldn't have married him. Real life, honest to goodness relationships sometimes take work, but they are about partnership and unity. If you need a break from each other, you might as well make it a breakup most of the time. Not all the time, but more often than not. Breaks seem sketchy to me. Like saying "this is getting old and I kind of want to see other people, but I don't want to be the bad guy and call it quits."

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/3/2009 9:51:29 PM
Author: szh07
I have to disagree with many of the lovely ladies above. I do not think that a break means a break up. After reading many LIW threads, I think that I take relationships (perhaps life) in a way that is much more relaxed than others.


Relations are beautiful but sometimes hard. Life isn't a fairytale...things are rarely perfect; no matter how much perspective you get from the ladies on this board, your relationship is always going to be unique and there are always exceptions. I know what I just said was vague; but so is the advice from all of the ladies on this thread (with the exception of a few). They don't know you, or your SO. In my opinion, posting questions for strangers to answer can be dangerous...there have been so many just on this thread that have dismissed your relationship with a single sentence. Its probably one of many threads they've replied to today, they probably read through your post and skimmed through the responses before throwing in their 2 cents. I think that its important that you take this, and the rest of the advice given, as simply their 2 cents. If this guy is the one, then I know you can make it through. A break just might be the kick in the butt you need to get on the right track. Good luck, and best wishes!

What's funny, is that I think "you" are the one that just skimmed through everyone else's posts. I just read back thru everyone's replies, and not one person told her to dump this guy and jet.

She asked what people's feeling were on "what a break meant" and everyone replied.

You may have your opinions on whether or not to ask questions on a public forum, but bashing others posts in the process is not the best way to get your point across. Many people on this board do actaully take the time to convey an answer in the nicest way possible while still respecting the poster and her situation. Which I think almost everyone here did.

Many of us replied based on real life experiences and what we have all learned from reading about and living thru successful (AND unsuccessful) relationships, that move on into happy successful marriages. They ALL involve a very open line of communication, which she and her SO do not have right now.

And for clarification, that in just my .02

 

[babycush]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:40:43 PM
Author: monkeyprincess
After about 4 months of almost no communication, we started emailing, then talking on the phone, and decided to see each other again. We took it slowly at first, and really started formally dating again. We are now on the verge of becoming engaged, and we have never been closer.

I think monkeyprincess is on to something. If you want to take a break with the intend of growing/sorting out issues, and then hopefully coming back together in the end, I feel very strongly that during the break you shouldn''t have any contact with each other. If you talk, or email, or text, or anything, then it will be so easy to fall back into the relationship the way that it is because it''s comfortable, as the other ladies have already said (and I myself have done as well!!). You''ll be able to figure out what you want and need better, and so will he.

 

[ChicRaccoon]

I think that taking a break is not a warning sign, but rather an acknowledgment that something is wrong. "Break" vs. "break-up", to me they are just terms that try to put complicated situations into simplified boxes. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don''t. That said, I would probably consider a break-up to mean that there is no intention of getting back together, and a break to mean that you do want to ultimately see things work out and that you have hope that they will.

I consider many of the thoughts in this thread to be generalizations based on observations/experience. Generalizations can be helpful, but I don''t think they should be applied to all situations. Everyone has a different story.

If you and your bf are mindful, and aware of your intentions and what each of you hope to get out of this break, I see no reason why it could not work out to be a good thing. But, that depends on the two of you.

Yes, committed relationships are about working problems out together. However, if you or your partner are not in a place to make that kind of commitment, I don''t see how a break would hurt the situation. If there is personal growth that needs to happen, perhaps one should turn their attention to their self for while and wait until they are prepared to share their life with another before they do so.

That is just my thought on the topic. Best of luck to you.

 

[monarch64]

Break, for me, means a breakdown in communication. It''s also something that should''ve been caught much earlier and resolved. And if it gets to the point where you''re not spending time together as a couple anymore and one or both parties wants to see other people...then I feel as though that is bad news and not conducive to a trusting, healthy relationship.

Things can always be worse, and they can always get better, in life. Relationships are the same. Things like this are so circumstantial, only you and your partner can decide whether a break is right for you and if you choose that, whether it will work out and you will get back together in the end. Life is not a sitcom...sometimes it seems to mirror television, but in the end what you are dealing with is real life and not something that will necessarily have a happy ending.

To answer your original questions, yes, I''ve gone on a "break" from a SO in the past. We were LD, dating in college after he graduated and moved back to his hometown and I was finishing my degree. We were on a break for about 3 months, during which he took every opportunity to call me, try to see me, proposed to me twice, etc. I was steadfast in my refusal to break the break, so to speak. When we finally did get back together things were never the same. We had both changed and grown apart. I coped by dating others, I knew he was also dating...and I threw myself into school, my job, my friends, etc. He did the same but wasn''t ready to let go as soon as I was. I was ready to let go as soon as I realized we needed a break.

I''m sorry you''re going through this, WP. Life is pain, to quote the movie The Princess Bride. But all of that pain makes us who we are and who we choose to be. It''s late and I''m getting all sentimental/philosophical/quote-y. I''ll stop now and wish you the best. Take care.

 

[justginger]

A break and what it accomplishes is completely dependent on both parties in the relationship. I was previously a firm believer in breaks not being ok - they were break ups. My college boyfriend pulled the "I need a break" card on me when he was starting to feel overwhelmed by the level of seriousness in our relationship. Previous to me, the longest dating partner he''d had was somewhere around the 3 week mark. He used the "time to think" line on me around our one year anniversary. What happened? I forced myself to cut all feeling for him, and dove headfirst into the next relationship (we''re talking about maybe 1 month had gone by, over a summer break). When he came back crying (literally), it was too late - the relationship I had started up in the meantime eventually ended in marriage. MISTAKE. Big mistake. Not just because that marriage was unsuccessful, but because in the years since this has happened, it has become very obvious to me that he was being sincere in doing what would have been best for us. A break was exactly what he needed to have in order to get his head straight and fully commit himself to being exactly what I needed him to be. And I threw it away due to the belief that he should have NEVER hesitated or doubted us, even for a period of time as short as a month.

In short, I missed continuing a loving, healthy relationship with a good man because I was arrogant enough to think that a good partner should be as forcefully confident of their eternal love as they are in the movies. Some men are not like that. If he is trying to improve himself (and therefore the two of you, as he is half of the equation), I think I would be patient. I have learned from my mistake - don''t expect perfection.

 

[katomm]

The kind of breaks you''re talking about seem more like breakups to me as well. If he has a lot of growing up to do then he''s not ready for a serious relationship. I''m sorry you''re going through this

When FI and I first starting dating he had just gotten divorced. The first few weeks were great but then it was obvious he needed some self reflecting time and figure things out. We backed off but didn''t really stop communicating. We just cut down our time to like two nights a week seeing each other whereas it was every day before that. We had been friends before we dated though so the situation was a little different. After a few months of this he was ready to move on and we saw each other every day after that.

 

[wsu12]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:48:55 PM
Author: Bleed Burnt Orange
To be blunt and make a long story short... a break = a break up. No need to get back with someone you need to take a break from. There is a reason for the break. If one can't be with someone and needs breaks, they shouldn't be with that person ultimatetly.


the end. (p.s. That's just my opinion.

)

Agreed.

Let's call a spade a spade...Isn't a "break" really a trial break-up? Testing the waters so to speak of being single, seeing if that is the direction that you want to go in?

I am sure that there are exceptions to the rule, but most often if you need a break from someone that you are considering spending your life with...the relationship will not make it in the long haul.

Personally, I knew my husband was "the one" because he is the one man that I dated that I never considered taking a break from. Not that we do not have our disagreements or our bad days but wanting to spend time away from each other would be out of the questions.

Wishing you the best!