phoenixgirl
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2003
- Messages
- 3,390
I agree that it's important to feel like you're shouldering a reasonable amount, and that so is your SO. I also think it's very common to find yourself in an unbalanced arrangement after having a baby and it's important to renegotiate the terms of the division of labor if it's not working for either of you. I've never had much reason to complain about DH's contributions around the house, but after DD was born we had a period where he was going out 3-4 nights a week to mountain bike, go to trivia night, go to concerts, etc. This was partly my fault because I was always saying naively, "Oh, we'll keep hanging out with our friends and doing all the same things when we're parents," but suddenly I was trying to breastfeed a baby who was losing weight and DH was the only one of us who could still go out. As much as I wanted to believe that being parents wouldn't change our habits, it just didn't make sense for DH to go out 4 nights a week. What if I wanted to go out 4 nights a week? Then we'd never be together. So we had to renegotiate that one.
As for the division of labor, after DD was born, I went back to work teaching (AP English and journalism, so I had to do a lot of work on nights and weekends at home). I stopped cooking because I didn't have the time, so DH was in charge of that (takeout or cooking - his choice). We also had cleaners come every other week (a life saver). We consciously decided that childcare and household duties would be 50/50 since we were both working. After 5 months of working, I resigned at the end of the school year and have been SAH ever since.
Now that I am a SAHM, most household chores fall to me (which is fine with me since now I have the time and consider it part of my job), but DH is still very involved with DD. I think partly it's because he bonded with her and got a lot of confidence as a parent in the beginning, first when I had a c/s and couldn't do much, and then later when I went back to work and things were 50/50 (and he was the one who stayed home with her when she was sick because I didn't have any sick leave left). But my husband has always been the more emotional one, and the one who naturally likes kids (I like my own but am kind of stressed out by other people's), so I think it makes sense that he would be very mothering, for lack of a better word. It will be interesting to see if things are different when we have #2 in Feb or March since he won't have as much opportunity to be the sole parent. I imagine that at first he'll spend more time with DD while I tend to the baby.
As for the division of labor, after DD was born, I went back to work teaching (AP English and journalism, so I had to do a lot of work on nights and weekends at home). I stopped cooking because I didn't have the time, so DH was in charge of that (takeout or cooking - his choice). We also had cleaners come every other week (a life saver). We consciously decided that childcare and household duties would be 50/50 since we were both working. After 5 months of working, I resigned at the end of the school year and have been SAH ever since.
Now that I am a SAHM, most household chores fall to me (which is fine with me since now I have the time and consider it part of my job), but DH is still very involved with DD. I think partly it's because he bonded with her and got a lot of confidence as a parent in the beginning, first when I had a c/s and couldn't do much, and then later when I went back to work and things were 50/50 (and he was the one who stayed home with her when she was sick because I didn't have any sick leave left). But my husband has always been the more emotional one, and the one who naturally likes kids (I like my own but am kind of stressed out by other people's), so I think it makes sense that he would be very mothering, for lack of a better word. It will be interesting to see if things are different when we have #2 in Feb or March since he won't have as much opportunity to be the sole parent. I imagine that at first he'll spend more time with DD while I tend to the baby.