What do you argue about?

[NewEnglandLady]

It''s so funny to read about everybody else''s little spats because we have the same ones.

I''m trying to think of something we consistently disagree about, but I''m drawing a blank. Things like chores, schedules, toothpaste...we''ve worked them out.

Recently house-hunting has been a source of frustration. We usually don''t stay in town on weekends. The last four weekends in a row, however, we''ve had to stay in town to house hunt, so I promised D we could go out to the Adirondacks this weekend to hike with the dogs. I want to get the whole house-buying process over with whereas D gets tired of it quickly and is eager to take a break. To be honest, I''m glad he pushes for breaks because a weekend together in the mountains will be nice.

 

[wyndham]

Date: 11/25/2009 9:39:24 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
It''s so funny to read about everybody else''s little spats because we have the same ones.

Ditto this! I find myself nodding my head as I''m reading along with many of your posts...we mostly bicker at each other, too. Every once in a while we''ll have an actual fight, but those are few & far between and usually pertain to my MIL and her latest strange antics.

 

[Lilac]

We mostly just argue about small things. We don''t argue often at all, but when we do it''s usually me getting annoyed about something and just letting it get worse. He''s so laid-back and calm about *everything* and I can''t remember him EVER starting a fight with me, so I would have to say it''s mostly my fault when we have an argument. I also tend to get snappy when I''m very stressed out (even when the stress has nothing to do with him) so usually the arguments happen during high-stress times. He''s really good at calming me down and not taking it personally, and I''ve been getting much better at not taking things out on him that aren''t his fault.

When we were dating we used to argue about his family a lot because they weren''t very nice to him or to me, but he wouldn''t stand up to them (because he lived at home and they made his life hell if he said anything to contradict them), so we fought about that every few weeks. It made me so frustrated that he just let them insult him and hurt him and he wouldn''t tell them to stop - but since we got married it''s gotten so much better because he doesn''t live at home anymore so they can''t control him the same way they used to. Now I''m even the one to tell him to call his parents to talk to them every few days!

Since we got married and moved in together we''ve argued a lot less than we used to. I think just being able to spend more time together makes us both much happier in general so we''re more relaxed and less likely to argue.

 

[CNOS128]

We argue about who has to get up first when the alarm goes off.

Me: Are you going to get up?

Him: Mrphhrmmm.

Me: Don''t you have to get to work early?

Him: Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

Me: I can''t believe you''re making me shower first!!

Him: Whuh?


Okay, fine, not so much an argument as me nagging.

 

[everlong_x]

Some of these are adorable, some I can completely relate to.

I can''t stand it when he''ll shave or trim his facial hair and not clean the sink. I told him, "I''m going to ask this once and only once. You need to clean your hair out of the sink. It''s gross and I don''t want to wash my face when it''s dirty like that."

Grossssss.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 11/25/2009 8:07:06 PM
Author: everlong_x
Some of these are adorable, some I can completely relate to.


I can''t stand it when he''ll shave or trim his facial hair and not clean the sink. I told him, ''I''m going to ask this once and only once. You need to clean your hair out of the sink. It''s gross and I don''t want to wash my face when it''s dirty like that.''


Grossssss.

It''s the other way around with us, he''s always bugging me to clean it since I have issues with tooth paste globs ending up in the sink lol

 

[laughwithme]

Pretty much like everyone else has said, we don''t have bad arguments, but of course we bicker! Sometimes we both end up laughing our butts off

Generally our bickering is about:
- music on road trips. We travel home quite often (3 hours away) and I like silence + book, he likes really hard rock music. We try to compromise (soft, normal music, or half his music, half silence) but somehow it still turns into bickering!
-his clothes on the bedroom floor. This is a big one. HOW HARD IS IT to put your dirty shirts into the laundry basket? It''s TWO feet from the spot on the floor where you drop them!!!
-dishes. Our "system" is that I do all the cooking, and he does the dishes. Yet he still asks me, "why can''t you put dishes into the dishwasher while you''re cooking?" "Um, because dishes aren''t my duty and when a pot is boiling over, my last concern is rinsing off a spoon to put in the dishwasher!" And then, he will go 2-3 days without doing the dishes, and when he DOES do them, he says "I feel like I''m always doing dishes! All the time!" And my reply is, "you haven''t done them in half a week!" GAH!

I do love him so, though

 

[October2008bride]

We have 2 toothpaste tubes as well

The only thing we properly argue about is cleaning. His standards are not the same as mine and neither of us are really great at changing (nor do we think we should!). We used to argue pretty regularly about it, but now that we have our once-every-three-weeks cleaning lady, it only pops up once every few months (it used to be almost daily!).

Now he is more tolerant of my lowered standards because he knows that the house gets a deep clean every three weeks, and I have tried to be tidier.

We don''t fight about anything else.

 

[katamari]

We don''t really argue about much, but we certainly bicker about cleaning. DH and I just have a different understanding about what "clean" is and means and neither of us are willing to back down. And, the weird thing is that both of us have higher standards in terms of different things. For me, it is important for the kitchen, the fridge, and the floors to be spotless. For him, it is the common room and the bathroom. We have been better able to resolve it by focusing on our respective obsessions more than finding common ground. Oh, and we switch off doing the laundry--we each do it once a month--and we disagree about that, too. He takes off two shirts as one and I hate that! I do not sort the clothes according to his conventions (the biggest of which is that he believes there must separate light-dark, dark-dark, and red loads). And we disagree about the use of liquid fabric softener.

We are also both bullheaded about being "right" and that can turn nasty at times, though we both recognize it as a problem and can also end it quickly and healthfully. Whenever it happens, it is always about something silly--like a trivia factoid--which makes it very frustrating and silly.

 

[trillionaire]

Over the past few days, we've been arguing about whether or not I have to wear underwear in the house!

He says yes, I say no.

He said: "In my house, we wear bottoms!"

I insisted the that dog and I do not, so it must be a guy thing, and he should certainly insist that men that enter the house SHOULD wear bottoms.

 

[lliang_chi]

I don''t have any arguments and very rarely bicker. I get annoyed and I''m sure he gets annoyed at little things. For me it''s little things like "Seriously? I have clean up the dishes even though I made dinner?" But I just suck it up and do it, then it doesn''t bother me. I jokingly "disagree" that the dog should sit on the couch with us or cuddle on the bed. I just get weak resolve when she''s so clean and fluffy. So far nothing big yet.

 

[zoebartlett]

As others have said, we bicker but we rarely have big fights. We usually bicker about cleaning and how/when it should be done (although we're getting better about this). My husband is much more laid back about cleaning than I am. We share dish duty and we do our own laundry, but I end up doing the majority of the house work. My husband doesn't mind food shopping, so he usually does that while I clean the house. Coming up with this solution has helped, and we don't seem to bicker about cleaning quite as much as before.

ETA: Haven's comment about the kitchen cabinets reminded me of something else we bicker about. My husband never shuts the cabinet doors after he opens them for some reason. It drives me crazy.

We have very different ways of doing things, and we both drive the other one crazy. There are many examples of this, but it would take too long to explain.

 

[Elmorton]

Like everyone else, we bicker somewhat frequently and rarely fight.

Topics:
-If DH is grumpy, short, or impolite in public. I have no tolerance for this.
-If I am running late. DH has no tolerance for this.
-Picking. I''m like those zoo moneys - I''ll pick at DH. Lint, crumbs, whatever - I reach. I recognize this is horribly annoying, and I''m trying to stop..but...
-Spending habits. Not big, money management or planning stuff, because we agree on that and compromise completely, but little things, like stopping for coffee or getting a drink with dinner. DH is kindof tight with $, whereas I am not. This is annoying for both of us.
-Cleaning out the fridge. He always wants me to save leftovers, but never eats them.

I think those are the common ones. We''re pretty agreeable most of the time, really. Compromising is definitely an art, and I think it does take time to learn.

 

[gwendolyn]

Man, wish we were more like you guys. We do fight, and usually about big things like money or me being homesick (and him getting irrationally mad about it like on Thanksgiving). Is that because we''re wrong for each other, or because PS isn''t the real world? Hard to tell...

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 11/29/2009 1:46:23 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Man, wish we were more like you guys. We do fight, and usually about big things like money or me being homesick (and him getting irrationally mad about it like on Thanksgiving). Is that because we're wrong for each other, or because PS isn't the real world? Hard to tell...

Oh Gwen - I personally think it's completely normal to fight - whether it be about silly small things like toothpaste, or about bigger issues like money or being homesick. Everyone has a different life, with different stressors in them. I can totally relate to the stress of being away from home, and how that can impact a lot of discussion and potentially arguing about where you are both going to end up. I think what makes fighting unhealthy is HOW you fight - and whether you can communicate clearly once you calm down. And I also really don't think people who do fight about huge issues frequently are going to post about it on a public forum such as this.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/29/2009 2:11:40 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 11/29/2009 1:46:23 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Man, wish we were more like you guys. We do fight, and usually about big things like money or me being homesick (and him getting irrationally mad about it like on Thanksgiving). Is that because we''re wrong for each other, or because PS isn''t the real world? Hard to tell...

Oh Gwen - I personally think it''s completely normal to fight - whether it be about silly small things like toothpaste, or about bigger issues like money or being homesick. Everyone has a different life, with different stressors in them. I can totally relate to the stress of being away from home, and how that can impact a lot of discussion and potentially arguing about where you are both going to end up. I think what makes fighting unhealthy is HOW you fight - and whether you can communicate clearly once you calm down. And I also really don''t think people who do fight about huge issues frequently are going to post about it on a public forum such as this.

I agree, especially with your last sentence. And we do communicate well when things are calm, but I don''t know if that''s enough. I''ve found it increasingly hard to read and post here because it''s difficult for me to relate now. Things are too different.

Anyway, just felt like putting in my two cents about fighting, since no one else seems to really do it.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/29/2009 2:11:40 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 11/29/2009 1:46:23 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Man, wish we were more like you guys. We do fight, and usually about big things like money or me being homesick (and him getting irrationally mad about it like on Thanksgiving). Is that because we're wrong for each other, or because PS isn't the real world? Hard to tell...

Oh Gwen - I personally think it's completely normal to fight - whether it be about silly small things like toothpaste, or about bigger issues like money or being homesick. Everyone has a different life, with different stressors in them. I can totally relate to the stress of being away from home, and how that can impact a lot of discussion and potentially arguing about where you are both going to end up. I think what makes fighting unhealthy is HOW you fight - and whether you can communicate clearly once you calm down. And I also really don't think people who do fight about huge issues frequently are going to post about it on a public forum such as this.

gwendolyn, I have to agree with ilovethiswebsite. Just because you fight doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your relationship at all. Every relationship is different, and if there was something really wrong in your relationship, I'm sure you'd know! A lot of people don't fight because they bottle up their emotions, and that ends up worse than if they would've just fought it out to begin with! As long as the fighting is "fair", and there isn't any hitting or anything going on, it's ok.

I am in the "we dont bicker or fight boat". We're both just laid back, and agree on more things than I would've thought humanly possible. We are very equal as far as finances, effort in the relationship, cleaning around the house, etc. I'm glad we don't bicker because I don't have the energy for it lol.

eta: Gwen, we were posting at the same time. I'm sorry you feel that it's harder to post here now .. I know there are people here from all different situations, and I'm sure there are plenty of PSers that can relate to whatever it is that you're going through. Sorry hun

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 11/29/2009 2:26:36 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 11/29/2009 2:11:40 PM

Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 11/29/2009 1:46:23 PM


Author: gwendolyn


Man, wish we were more like you guys. We do fight, and usually about big things like money or me being homesick (and him getting irrationally mad about it like on Thanksgiving). Is that because we''re wrong for each other, or because PS isn''t the real world? Hard to tell...

Oh Gwen - I personally think it''s completely normal to fight - whether it be about silly small things like toothpaste, or about bigger issues like money or being homesick. Everyone has a different life, with different stressors in them. I can totally relate to the stress of being away from home, and how that can impact a lot of discussion and potentially arguing about where you are both going to end up. I think what makes fighting unhealthy is HOW you fight - and whether you can communicate clearly once you calm down. And I also really don''t think people who do fight about huge issues frequently are going to post about it on a public forum such as this.

I agree, especially with your last sentence. And we do communicate well when things are calm, but I don''t know if that''s enough. I''ve found it increasingly hard to read and post here because it''s difficult for me to relate now. Things are too different.


Anyway, just felt like putting in my two cents about fighting, since no one else seems to really do it.

Hey Gwen - what do you mean about having difficulty relating and things being different? I can''t tell if you mean because people don''t divulge the complete truth sometimes when they post or because of the relationship with your FI...

 

[gwendolyn]

I am not sure why it feels different... Probably it''s just because I have been more introspective and questioning my relationship anyway, and what I see feels harsher when contrasted with and reflected back to the world of PS...if that makes any sense. But I haven''t been around much because it hasn''t been enjoyable for me--not because of PS or the people here, but because of what''s in my own head.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 11/29/2009 2:51:05 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I am not sure why it feels different... Probably it''s just because I have been more introspective and questioning my relationship anyway, and what I see feels harsher when contrasted with and reflected back to the world of PS...if that makes any sense. But I haven''t been around much because it hasn''t been enjoyable for me--not because of PS or the people here, but because of what''s in my own head.

That makes a lot of sense. I hope you feel free to bring any topic up though, and I am sure there are many of us who would try and provide you with the most honest and unbiased advice. Every relationship has their ups and downs, and planning a wedding can be very stressful for some couples. It can also makes you question a lot of things. Maybe you would feel better if you got some stuff out in the open, and talked about it freely.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/29/2009 2:59:47 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
That makes a lot of sense. I hope you feel free to bring any topic up though, and I am sure there are many of us who would try and provide you with the most honest and unbiased advice. Every relationship has their ups and downs, and planning a wedding can be very stressful for some couples. It can also makes you question a lot of things. Maybe you would feel better if you got some stuff out in the open, and talked about it freely.

I am not sure how much it would help, since I am pretty sure we know what the next steps are for us (couples counseling and anger management for J, his suggestion). It's not the wedding planning stuff that's causing it but other, underlying problems that have been issues previously and nothing's really changed to improve them. We also haven't had any relaxing time together lately (stress from money, work, conflicting work schedules, lack of communication, not sleeping together due to his snoring which leads to a feeling of loss of intimacy, etc.), so a friend suggested finding a cheap B&B and going away for a weekend to reconnect. We have only been on vacation together once in our 5 years together--the rest of the time, we're just visiting family (usually his). So maybe that will help in the meantime, since no counseling will help overnight.

Thanks for taking the time to talk about this, hon. I really appreciate it.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 11/29/2009 3:15:54 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 11/29/2009 2:59:47 PM

Author: ilovethiswebsite

That makes a lot of sense. I hope you feel free to bring any topic up though, and I am sure there are many of us who would try and provide you with the most honest and unbiased advice. Every relationship has their ups and downs, and planning a wedding can be very stressful for some couples. It can also makes you question a lot of things. Maybe you would feel better if you got some stuff out in the open, and talked about it freely.

I am not sure how much it would help, since I am pretty sure we know what the next steps are for us (couples counseling and anger management for J, his suggestion). It's not the wedding planning stuff that's causing it but other, underlying problems that have been issues previously and nothing's really changed to improve them. We also haven't had any relaxing time together lately (stress from money, work, conflicting work schedules, lack of communication, not sleeping together due to his snoring which leads to a feeling of loss of intimacy, etc.), so a friend suggested finding a cheap B&B and going away for a weekend to reconnect. We have only been on vacation together once in our 5 years together--the rest of the time, we're just visiting family (usually his). So maybe that will help in the meantime, since no counseling will help overnight.


Thanks for taking the time to talk about this, hon. I really appreciate it.

Well, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what needs to happen to make things work. Finances can be a really huge stressor, and it can make or break a couple. Try and focus on why you fell in love with him in the first place, and whether you are still happy with him.

Have you two been in a funk for a while? Or is this a transient period? Every relationship has it's ups and downs.

I like the idea of getting away for the weekend to spend some time together and relax. It's really important to take time for yourself to re-cooperate from day to day stress. Maybe try to spend some time at home on weekend, as opposed to always being on the road visiting family (which can be tiring).

I also think a counselor can really help open up communication.

I am sorry you are going through this right now... Any time my husband and I get into funks, we always know in our heart that there is no one in the world that we would rather be with, or that could make us happier, and that keeps us going...

 

[MonkeyPants]

i love reading everyone''s responses!

Not married yet, but have lived together for 2 years now.

Things about which we disagree or bicker:

Dog on the couch: He hates it because it''s the only place besides the bedroom that is fur free and he''d like to keep it that way. Sometimes I like to cuddle with the pup when watching tv.

Buying things in multiples: When Fi likes something (usually food related, like snacks) he''ll buy multiple packs. We usually get through the first one and can''t finish the rest before they expire. Waste drives me nuts! We also have 2 very tall bookshelves packed with cookbooks and he''s constantly adding to the collection. I''ve implemented a "one in, one out" rule. If he wants a new cookbook, he has to sell one or more of the older ones that he doesn''t read anymore

The definition of "clean": To me, "clean" = sanitary. no dirt, dust, grime, hair, sticky stuff....etc. To Fi "clean" = tidy. I guess "clean" should be both, but it irritates me that he says the house is dirty right after I''ve vacuumed, cleaned the toilets, been on my hands and knees washing the floors

Finances: I am a saver. He is an impulse buyer. He knows he has a problem. I know that sometimes I''m too strict with money. We try our best to find a middle ground.

Being on time: He''s always running late, I like to be places 30 minutes ahead of schedule.

Ha, I guess we bicker a lot, but we have very open communication so nothing''s ever bottled up and we always try to compromise.

 

[Haven]

Gwennie--I''m sorry you''re going through a rough spot.
It sounds like you two have some plans regarding what your next steps should be.

As far as fighting and what it says about your relationship, I think that it depends on your reactions to the disagreements more than on the fact that you have disagreements or fights. If you respond to a fight by thinking negative thoughts about J or your relationship, then that''s a big red flag that you two have some repairing to do. However, if instead you just fight out the issue at hand, but when it''s done it hasn''t affected the way you feel about him or your relationship, then *that* is a healthy situation, IMO.

I have friends who fight a lot, yet they are only angry upset in the heat of the moment, and when the fights are done, they''re done. They duke it out, and then when they''re done they are both over it, and their good feelings about each other and their relationship haven''t been affected.

If, on the other hand, a couple fights over something and then walks away questioning their relationship or partner, that''s a bigger issue.

I''ve been talking about these books a lot lately on PS, but I really love John Gottman''s books about marriage. DH and I are currently reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" or some such title, and we love it.

It''s good to see you around here. I hope you start feeling better about things soon!

 

[Haven]

I came back to this thread to share something else we argue about:

DH''s driving. I think he''s a bit reckless, and he says I drive like a grandma. For example, he will sometimes cut off a truck on the highway and not realize it, and that scares me. Or, we both drive 2007 Honda Civics, yet I average 32 mpg, and he averages 26!
We obviously have different driving styles.

Anyway, it''s not like I''m going to raise my voice at the man while he''s driving, because that would only make him drive worse. But I definitely say something, and he definitely responds by saying he drives just fine, and then I end up saying that I just care about him being safe and that diffuses the whole thing.

But then he''ll do something reckless the next time we''re out in the car, and the whole thing starts over again.

 

[Lilac]

Gwen - I''m so sorry you''re feeling this way. I will say though that I completely agree with Haven - the amount you fight doesn''t necessarily matter that much, it''s more about how you feel after the fights or arguments.

I know plenty of couples who argue a lot - my own grandparents fight like cats and dogs sometimes! But then you talk to them 10 minutes later and they''re joking around with each other and making plans for their next "date" or vacation. But then there are couples who have a fight, leave the house to go contemplate whether or not they want to leave for good, and even after making up after the fight, the negativity lingers and they question whether they really love their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse - those are the types of arguments I would worry about.

I also agree that people on PS might not always talk about any major issues they fight about with their spouses. Sometimes people argue about seeing family more or less often, finances, or sex but not everyone likes to admit that these are issues for them (so don''t feel bad reading peoples'' responses on here because it''s possible they argue about more than they mention in this thread).

You mentioned that you and FI haven''t had much time to relax or spend quality time together - I know for DH and I this happens sometimes and it absolutely causes some tension. When we don''t spend time together just talking and enjoying each other''s company, we do tend to fight more. I get snappy because I feel sad and upset that we aren''t going out or haven''t had time to focus on our relationship. I think a vacation or weekend getaway sounds like a great idea for you - it''ll give you a wonderful opportunity to reconnect and discuss issues that might be bothering you or him and hopefully begin to work through them together.

 

[Lilac]

I replied a couple days ago to this thread, but I just came back because I wanted to share a funny story from last night - I was talking to DH about this thread and I mentioned how I said we''ve fought so much less since we got married, and he said "What? Are you kidding? We fight more than we used to!" It shocked me - I really feel like we don''t argue much anymore, but he feels like we argue more! I think the reason is because when we used to argue before we got married it was easy to just say goodbye, hang up the phone, and go to sleep so the fights didn''t seem all that long or intense. Now that we live together we don''t like going to sleep angry - so anytime we argue or fight we stay up half the night until we resolve the situation. So he *feels* the fights more than he used to, even though the frequency of them has definitely gone down.

Reading everyone''s responses has made me realize that DH and I do bicker more than I even realized about little things. We have different cleaning priorities (I need the kitchen to stay clean otherwise I can''t cook, but he wants the bedroom and living room clean otherwise he gets irritated), he leaves streaks of toothpaste in the sink and I REALLY don''t like it, I leave my hair straightener out on the bathroom floor to cool off and he really doesn''t like when I forget to put it away, and I very much dislike when he drives fast or recklessly (and he doesn''t like when I tell him to slow down or stop driving like a maniac!). We have also disagreed on money - for the most part, we agree that we want to SAVE, save, save. But he made a bet with some coworkers at work on a baseball game and lost and had to buy them lunch - it cost over $100. While it''s not *such* a big deal, to me it really really bothered me. We had an argument about that because it''s one thing to bet $5 or $10, but this was definitely more than we should be wasting when we have other expenses. I found out this week that now he bets quarters - 25 cents per bet. I find it kind of funny and I''m happy he realized that we need the money more than his coworkers do right now

To me, these are small issues and they don''t turn into *arguments* for the most part - most are just ongoing things that we disagree about and have to work on. But yes - we do definitely have disagreements about those types of things. But we fall into the "can argue one minute and be absolutely fine the next once we discuss it" camp. Nobody thinks we fight at all because neither of us lets it get to us and remain in our minds permanently - I have never questioned whether we are right for each other no matter what has happened - so even if we fight, I always know I want to work it out and after we talk about it, I very rarely ever think of it again.