What am I going to do?

[ammayernyc]

I''m so frustrated and confused and upset...

Last night, my bf and I were at dinner and we were talking about a co-worker''s, Cat, wedding that he claims we will not be invited to. Not a big deal. But then he told me that our friends M&T who got married two weeks ago invited Cat to their wedding, but she was not planning on inviting them to her wedding. I stated that I thought it was very rude since if someone invites you to their wedding, unless there was a falling out, it''s only polite and is proper etiquette to invite them to yours.

Here''s where the problem begins:

He then says: I don''t think that''s true. If I were to have a wedding, I wouldn''t want to invite the Js (whose wedding we attending in 2002). I, he actually said I... no we. I thought I would spit out my drink. So I told him that he didn''t have to worry about it since they didn''t invite him (they invited me with a guest...). Then we started talking about my birthday and what were going to do and he asked me if I wanted to go away and blah, blah, blah... I started realizing that for my birthday he plans on taking me on a trip, and not getting me a ring. I don''t want to seem selfish, I would love it if he took me away... but I''ve been building this up in my mind since we have gone to look at rings several times and basically decided on the one we both really like. Then I asked him what he thought of destination weddings since we were on the traveling topic. He literally didn''t answer me. No, I don''t know, which is usual response to something he doesn''t want to talk about.

I don''t understand. We talk about the future together in terms of trips and things like that. We went ring looking. His mother was with us one time. His mother and I discussed us having children. We live together. We''ve been dating for 3.25 years. He''s 30, I''m turning 30. He has a job. He has the money to buy the ring. But he can''t talk about US getting married or US having children.

Is it possible that he really is terrified of getting married? I just can''t understand it!

 

[fountainfairfax]

Do you think this could just all be a "front" because maybe he is planning on suprising you either on your trip or "girl soon"?

I also believe that once the ring shopping starts that guys tend to clam-up regarding weddings & marriage because is all too real and scary for them. After the proposal they breath a big sigh of relief and accept it all as reality.

You have far better self control then I do, because as soon as he said "If I were to have a wedding..." I would said "Don''t you mean when WE have a wedding?" I just don''t let those opportunities pass-by without clarification. When BF & I were casually talking about weddings and he jokingly said "who said I was marrying you?" I did not let that comment pass. I didn''t freak or anything but used it to segway into what turned out to be a very serious conversation that got the marriage ball rolling....and just the other day I overheard him tell our cats "you better watch it, cause after Mommy and Daddy get married......." I was so happy I didn''t hear what he was threatening them with!!!!

I would tell him when you both get home tonight that his comment has really been bothering you and did you read too much into it, because when you think of weddings and marriage it''s always with him!

Good luck and let us know what happens!

 

[appletini]

I think if he''s going to take you on a trip for your birthday, then he''s going to give you a beautiful e-ring for your b-day present.

 

[ammayernyc]

It could very well be a front... but I''m not sure since he''s talked that way about ''his'' children and ''his'' wedding since we first started dating. Such as, when seeing a screaming kid in a restaurant, he would say, ''I would never let my kids act like that...'' So, it''s not like he''s getting worse, just not changing.

I should have taken the opportunity to say something then, but I''ve been biting my tounge to wait until my birthday. If nothing happens then, I will let loose!

Our friends who just got married got their ring through the grooms uncle. I think I might have the bride ''bait'' my bf by sending him the uncle''s information... maybe that will light a fire under his ass!

 

[MelissaSue]

I''m sorry Amma. I agree with fountain that perhaps the trip is just a front for a proposal. Have you made it known to him how important it is for you to get engaged? You need to let him know that. If you''ve looked at rings, he must know you''re ready. but maybe he just wants to do it on his own time frame. Its not that he doesn''t want to marry you, but maybe he''s not in as big of a hurry as you are!

As for the "If I were planning a wedding" thing.. well.. I think that maybe you are just reading too much into that.. I am engaged and I sometimes STILL slip around my Fiance and say "MY wedding".. then I feel bad.. but its not that I mean that I don''t want to be marrying HIM.. its just a mistake, you know? I''m sure that is not what he meant by it.

Also..I really don''t think it is neccessary to invite everyone to your wedding that has invited you to theirs. There is no ettiquette that says that. I know thats not the point of your topic.. but I have at least one friend whose wedding I went to who I won''t be inviting to mine. That is how wedding guest lists get out of hand.

 

[Croí]

oh Amma honey, I''m sure it''s NOTHING. I had a wee panic yesterday when I found himself looking at silly dolls of the president online when there are certain wedding-paperwork things he needs to be doing. I kind of all-at-once felt me and our wedding were very low on the totem pole. I went out for a bit and when I got back he was doing the paperwork thing because he had picked up on my mood. Even so we had a big chat and I did get upset (it''s just a HUGELY emotional time for us ladies and I do not feel badly when I feel overwhelmed) and he apologised for being a jerk (his word!) and not seeing that his attitude/delayed-interest had really got to me.

TALK to him, because that is key to all of it - for now and for next year and for ten years from now. communication/patience/understanding are all crucial but we need to all remember that most of us don''t have bf/fi that are psychic and can read our minds.

talk to him, it''ll be fine I''m sure.

*HUGS*
C

 

[jlc0604]

I agree with MelissaSue. I think that we girls tend to analyze every little word and phrasing that men say. But they are NOT that deep and they really don''t put as much thought into their words and how things come out. So I can totally see how his saying "my wedding" or "my kids" isn''t a big deal. I don''t think it''s a red flag saying that he doesn''t want these things with you. I think it''s probably just how he expresses himself. And as MelissaSue said, I too am guilty of sometimes saying things like that - when I have children, when I get married, etc.

I understand your frustration. I''ve been dating my bf about the same length of time, we live together, and I''m only a couple years younger than you. And I''ve gone through phases where I fear that he may never be ready. The thing that has made me feel better is talking to him. I think at this point, after ring shopping and being together for so long, it''s perfectly normal for you to calmly ask about his timeline. If you bring it up in a calm, non-nagging way, hopefully he''ll be willing to talk openly about where he sees your future going, and more importantly, WHEN!

I also agree with the other girls that it''s possible he could be planning the b-day trip as part of the proposal. Not sure how soon your b-day is, but if it''s coming up in the next couple of months, I''d put off any conversation. You don''t want to ruin his surprise if he is planning something. I''d wait and have a good time on the trip, trying to not get my hopes up too much (yeah right!), and then if he doesn''t propose then, I''d bring up the conversation of timeline when we got home.

Side-conversation: Again, I agree with MS about not having to invite people just because they invited you. I had a friend a few years back that I was pretty close with. After she started daing her husband, she basically stopped hanging out with all her friends. After her wedding, I didn''t hear from her for 2 years, until I got a mass email annoucing that she was pregnant. I haven''t really pursued the relationship after her wedding because I was pretty offended on how she sort of dropped me after she found a man. That showed me where her priorities lie, and as a result I''m not going to invest any more of my time on that friendship. Anyway, when I get married, probably in the next couple of years, I don''t know if I''ll invite her or not. But I certainly don''t feel obligated to, because in the time since I attended her wedding, we''ve grown apart and pretty much out of each other''s lives. This type of thing happens.

 

[snow_happy]

Hi ammayer--
I agree with everyone in that you said he has always said "MY KIDS", etc. so I don''t think it has any bearing on whether or not he is ready to get engaged. If you went ring shopping with his MOM then I think things are looking pretty bright. On the other hand, if what he says bothers you then I think you can bring it up to him casually the next time it happens. Overall I wouldn''t get too discouraged... things sound like they are moving along

 

[appletini]

as for the inviting people to your wedding....there were several weddings that I was invited to right after college, but I haven''t kept in touch with those people, so I don''t feel like I have to invite them to my wedding whenever that is. I figure once its time to send the invitations, if I haven''t communicated with someone in a year, then they are for sure not invited.

 

[ammayernyc]

I feel much better about the I/We stuff. Thanks ladies!

My birthday is seven weeks from yesterday. I''m trying to hold my tounge about all of this until afterwards. As far as I know, he has not contacted any jewelers about the ring.

The couple that I''m referring to in my original post is not one that my bf really likes. However, I am friends with the guy from high school and although we are not actively social, we see each other several times during the year at parties. So, if I were to not invite them, it would be extremely ackward.

 

[wcitygirl]

Amma -- I totally feel your frustration. I found a goal sheet that my bf did for some project he''s working on. Under future goals, it said: I want my house to be like __________ and a riding lawn mower. (He''s SUCH a weirdo?) And he''s always like: When "I" do this or "I" do that. I''m thinking: HOW ABOUT WHEN *WE* do that or how about *OUR* house? He''s talking about me moving with him to go to grad school and when he talks to his relatives on the phone, he says: Well, I''ll be moving there blah, blah, blah. Ummm, I think you mean when *WE* move there. And then I ask him if he thinks I should look at jobs in a different city when we''re there (not the same city as grad school) and he says: NO, absolutely not! I''m thinking -- then start saying WE!!!

I think that guys just think in terms of what they''re doing and we may be included, but that''s just how they think. I try not to take it personally. If you guys are looking at rings and whatnot -- I wouldn''t worry. It sounds great to me! He may be planning something great for vacation or maybe not -- everytime my bf and I go on vacation, I think: oooh, maybe this will be THE TIME. Nope. But, regardless, I''m sure you''ll have a GREAT time!! Where are you going?

 

[windy1365]

Just because someone invites you to their wedding does not mean that you have to invite them to yours. My fiancee''s friend (who is a girl) invited him to her wedding, which he went to (this was before we met). We are not inviting her to our wedding.

Maybe your bf is giving you a ring on the trip. Maybe he wants it to be a surprise. Wait and see what happens.

 

[windy1365]

Your ears are probably really sensitive and picking up and reading into everything. That used to happen to me, too when I was insecure about where we stood. My fiancee probably says the same things now that he used to, but I don''t read into everything.