What advice would you give your best friend????

[btrflygrl23]

Hi guys,

I could use your help with this...I''ll try to make the background quick. My best friend E was married about 2 yrs ago, I posted about this in a previous thread. She ran into some communication problems etc with her hubby and during this time had an emotional affair with one of his friends, R.
It didn''t go beyond that but she and the hubby separated and against my advice she decided to pursue a possible relationship with R and it basically blew up in her face...she brought up the topic of them dating to R around Christmas and he seemed for it initially and invited her to his home for Christmas dinner and then when she txt msged him to double check the invite he told her he had been drunk when he invited her and he shouldn''t have and that the thought of them being together HAD NEVER CROSSED HIS MIND!!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable but he is very immature so I expected as much and I had warned her...ANYWAY they never spoke again after that (this was Dec 23rd of 07) and she has not seen him since and she is in a better place and I believe is moving on.
However, this week we (E, me, and my FI) got invited to a b''day party of a mutual friend, catch...this girl is the wife of R''s best friend but when we looked at the evite we noticed that R was not invited so I rsvp''d that I would go and so did E, my FI is working SO pls stay with me...about an hour after we reply she phones me and we look at the evite and lo and behold who has rsvp''d that they are attending...but R!
So here''s my dilemma I told E DON"T GO! POTENTIAL BACKSLIDING SITUATION! Right?
She wants to, in order to show him she has moved on and is not being petty. She says they no longer get along and that with his level of immaturity he will just ignore her and that she can handle that and she will be polite and the bigger person.
She thinks seeing him will help her put a period on that time in her life and move on.

I strongly disagree, I think he may try to speak with her and I think if he does ignore her it may hurt her more than she is willing to say.
Plus, I think and stop me if I am being a bit paranoid but I think the whole he wasn''t on the evite and then magically after E replied there he was and attending no less is shady. I think R''s best friend and the wife are being a bit interfering and trying to fix things b/w E and R? Do you guys agree? I think R may even be aware of the plan or am I giving him too much credit?
Either way I think this could end badly and I''m trying to protect her.
What else can I tell her?
I told her if she feels she has to attend now that she has said she will then she should make it short and sweet. Go wish the b''day girl have a drink or two and then kindly make her excuses and leave. Not make conversation with him unless he initiates it and even then keep it light and no drama and and be nice but cool and then talk to everyone else after a brief chat with him IF he talks and if he ignores just pretend she doesn''t notice it...
Tell me what you think
Thanks

 

[neatfreak]

I can understand where she is coming from, I too like closure. BUT that being said, if there is any chance AT ALL that she isn't 100% over him/the situation, she shouldn't go. And considering that she wants to go to SHOW HIM she's over him, not to have closure for herself, I would give her the same advice you did...

If she insists, both of you make it short and sweet before she gets drunk and does something she'll regret.


As for the invite list, it is very very possible that he was forgotten initially and added later. I really think you're probably reading WAY too much into that piece.

 

[btrflygrl23]

Thanks neatfreak your advice reassures me in what I told her and I''ll be with her the whole night so she won''t be able to drink too much and behave in a way that she will regret it later.
I just wish she could see that this guy is all wrong for her and not good enough for her. I mean look at the way he treated her at Christmas geez!
Thanks

 

[btrflygrl23]

Bump! Sorry wou.ld like to see what others think...

 

[KimberlyH]

I understand best-friendship, but you are placing an awful lot of blame on R, while E was as much involved (he's immature, but she's not? She was the married one who had an "emotional affair"). That being said, I think it's silly of her to go. It's sounds so much like high school: I'm going to go to that party, have fun and prove to him that my life has moved on. If I were in your shoes I'd opt out of attending the party, if she wants to go and make her point, let her do so, but don't be involved in the pettiness.

As for your thoughts on the hosts being sneaky about invitations, I can't imagine anyone taking the time to disguise an invitation in hopes that another person will show up. If that were the case why would the host bother using e-vite, where you can view who's coming and who isn't? She could have sent paper invitations and no one would have known who else was coming. Of course he's invited, he's her husband's best friend, I don't think this is about E, unless the host is really bored and meddlesome.

 

[Fancy605]

If she''s anything like most women I know, she''s going to do what she wants regardless of any sound advice that she receives. Then she''ll realize she should have listened to you in the first place. And then she''ll want you to be there when she wants to talk about how she should have just done the opposite of what she ended up doing. I think the best thing you can do is give her good advice, and then be there for her whether she follows it or not.

 

[btrflygrl23]

Kimberly I wasn''t trying to say that E has no blame in this situation. But her marriage is over and now there isn''t anything she or I can do about it. My concern was that she was moving on and now seeing R may undo all the progress she has made. For the record, since her separation and selling of her marital property with her ex she has sought counselling and gone back to school etc..
I don''t know R that well but from what I have seen ( we have mutual friends in common) he has not made any similar strides. And I do think that regardless of her mistakes, he treated her very callously at Christmas time. She was shattered when he basically blew her off by txt. So I do think she did deserve an apology and I''m sorry she didn''t get it and likely never will.
You must understand that while I realize my best friend has flaws my obligation, at least I feel this way, is to ALWAYS be on her side.

As for the hosts, it was R''s best friend that sent out the evite and yes I totally see your point that he could have done paper ones so no one would know who was going. But again for the record, the best friend is VERY meddlesome and when all the drama went down with E and her ex and R...the host was all around town spreading all kinds of rumors. So I can see them being up to some nonsense. But I''ll grant you I maybe a bit paranoid on that front but only b/c I am trying to be protective.


Fancy I agree with you I think she''s going to do what she wants no matter what I say and as always I''ll be there to help her through it. I just wish she''d let this all go.
She has some serious health problems and I''d hate to see them flare up again due to stress over nonsense.
Thanks

 

[Haven]

Oh honey, I know how difficult it is to watch a dear friend make choices that you know are likely to hurt her.

If my best friend was doing this, I''d tell her exactly what I thought of the situation, and then I''d support whatever decision she made. That''s the best we can do as friends, really. And Fancy''s right, she''s going to do what she wants to do, anyway. I was with the wrong man for five years, and my best friend kept on telling me he was the wrong man, but I took my own sweet time figuring it out. And guess who was there for me when all the pieces came crumbling down, without an "I told you so" at all--my best friend.

 

[Sizzle]

Honestly, at this point I don't think you should give her any advice. I think she has to make progress/mistakes for herself. Life is a very hard lesson to learn. I think all you can really do is be a friend, stay non judgemental (which it seems you pretty much have), and offer to be there when she wants to talk. I think if you see things going badly you could ask her questions like " how will you feel/react if he says X". How will you react differently? Are you prepared to walk away from him if he tries to meet you? things like that. Good Luck, you are a good friend.

 

[btrflygrl23]

Thanks so much for your kind words Haven! I really appreciate your advice and I''m so glad you found the right guy and yes if this whole situation goes wrong as I suspect it will, I will totally be there for her and I''d never say I told you so that''s for sure.

Thanks Sizzle you are too sweet to say I am a good friend. I just really, love her and I guess I''m trying to spare her pain but in the end she is an adult and so I''ll just be supportive and do my best!

 

[decodelighted]

Your friend sounds like she''s drawn to drama like a moth to a flame. She will go, no matter what you say. I bet they''ll be dating again in no time.

But, honestly, there''s nothing you can do about it! So don''t waste your breath. Or if you have breath to spare

... don''t BLAME yourself for not being able to convince her.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 6/25/2008 11:57:04 AM
Author: btrflygrl23
Kimberly I wasn''t trying to say that E has no blame in this situation. But her marriage is over and now there isn''t anything she or I can do about it. My concern was that she was moving on and now seeing R may undo all the progress she has made. For the record, since her separation and selling of her marital property with her ex she has sought counselling and gone back to school etc..
I don''t know R that well but from what I have seen ( we have mutual friends in common) he has not made any similar strides. And I do think that regardless of her mistakes, he treated her very callously at Christmas time. She was shattered when he basically blew her off by txt. So I do think she did deserve an apology and I''m sorry she didn''t get it and likely never will.
You must understand that while I realize my best friend has flaws my obligation, at least I feel this way, is to ALWAYS be on her side.

As for the hosts, it was R''s best friend that sent out the evite and yes I totally see your point that he could have done paper ones so no one would know who was going. But again for the record, the best friend is VERY meddlesome and when all the drama went down with E and her ex and R...the host was all around town spreading all kinds of rumors. So I can see them being up to some nonsense. But I''ll grant you I maybe a bit paranoid on that front but only b/c I am trying to be protective.


Fancy I agree with you I think she''s going to do what she wants no matter what I say and as always I''ll be there to help her through it. I just wish she''d let this all go.
She has some serious health problems and I''d hate to see them flare up again due to stress over nonsense.
Thanks

Whether or not she "deserves" an apology, getting one isn''t going to change what happened or who he is, the most it will do is draw her back into this bad relationship. So R''s a jerk, the best friend is meddlesome and spreads rumors about E and she wants to attend a party being thrown in this person''s honor to see the man who jilted her. I understand wanting to protect a friend, but it sounds like she gains something from feeding into all of this, and your attempts to shield her, by holding her hand while she attends this shindig, is the same as condoning her behavior, which is bad for her health. My advice stands, don''t attend the party. Tell E you think they are being underhanded in inviting her, you won''t attend for that reason, and let her make her own choice about whether or not she goes, but she needs to do it without you. If these people are as smarmy as they sound from your description of them, they aren''t really friends worth having anyways.

 

[btrflygrl23]

Kimberly I do agree with you and yes the apology is a moot point she isn''t getting one and it is irrelevant at this point.
I already decided this morning that I wasn''t going and told E so via e-mail and have yet to hear back.
I hope she doesn''t go but if she does I''ll be around for her to talk about it after if she needs to and that''s really all I can do.
I''m being protective but it isn''t like I don''t tell her when she behaves stupidly or illogically but I''m gentle about it that''s all.
Thanks for your advice

 

[KimberlyH]

As a friend it''s hard to find a balance between supporting and enabling. I admire you for standing by her, and up for her. I can understand why you would want to go to the party, to make sure she''s okay, and I''m sure it will be hard for you not to attend, for her sake. I hope she continues on the path shee seems to have chosen so far, even if she goes and sees him.