Well, no more kids for us

[D2B]

My DH have just spent hours discussing this backwards and forward (with lots of tears my end). I have the urge for a second child, but I had a rare medical condition that meant possible death for myself or child, or permament health issues, lvery uckily neither happend, but the chance of it happening again with the next one are there, and cannot be negated. If it happens it happens, if it doesnt it doeesnt.


So, after me hoarding all my sons old clothes for years, and crying with each friends child, and numerous discussions about it with my husband, who doesnt want to risk losing me or face the prospect of an ill mother or ill child, I am at a place were I am getting ready to give all his old things away and to stop hoarding for the just in case a miracle happens second baby. the pain is so great, but practical logic and feelings dont always go together. I want one so badly, but I am lucky to be so blessed with a healthy happy son, and I need to be content with that.

Dont know the point of this post, other than to put into words that I am beginning to acknoledge that it aint going to happen and that it is time to clear out those overflowing cuboards and focus on the family I have. If only the maternal instinct wasnt so strong...... its strange that a diamond forum should be where I feel able to express these thoughts, it is such a lovlely community, I guess it is time I faced reality and dried my tears and focused on now, not what might have been.

d2b

 

[noelwr]

I imagine it is very tough, but I agree with your husband. I wouldn''t want to imagine him without his soul mate and your son without a mother.

 

[msb700]

i agree with ur husband...think about the positive..u have a son now who probably adores u as u do him..why would u want to possibly risk him not having a mother, or an ill one or an ill sibling?

enjoy the time u have with him and the time you have as a family..many ppl are not even blessed with one child, so take this as an opportunity to love what you currently have and not what you may not have...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Usually the right decisions are the hardest. I think your reaction is 100% normal and would worry if you took such a difficult decision well. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of a dream you had. With time I hope the feelings of loss will dilute and be replaced with feelings of peace. You are making the right decision but there are other ways to have a child without risking your life or health. Take care.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 11/14/2009 8:56:19 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Usually the right decisions are the hardest. I think your reaction is 100% normal and would worry if you took such a difficult decision well. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of a dream you had. With time I hope the feelings of loss will dilute and be replaced with feelings of peace. You are making the right decision but there are other ways to have a child without risking your life or health. Take care.

I''m not even going to try to say it better than that. I just wanted to offer virtual hugs as well. I can''t imagine how hard a decision like that must have been to make. Thinking of you.

 

[somethingshiny]

More support and hugs for you. This decision is terribly difficult and you will probably grieve the "loss." Take time for yourself and enjoy your loved ones.

It may be too soon to hear this, but if you really don''t feel your family is complete, there are lots of babies and children who need loving homes.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

D2B, Tacori said it very well. You''ve just made a very difficult decision, but one that is the right decision for your family. Take some time for yourself to mourn the loss of that dream. Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs.

 

[ljmorgan]

D2B have you consulted with a maternal-fetal specialist and other high-risk specialists about your condition? Is it certain that you will face those risks no matter what? Most people would probably tell me not to have children -- I had grade 3 bone cancer, and I stop all scans while I''m pregnant, risking letting a reoccurence go too long -- also I had major pelvic reconstruction that could be wrecked by pregnancy. Then I have antibody issues that can kill my unborn child. But we had one and I''m pregnant with our second. You don''t have to share your condition with us because I know that can be personal, but I just wanted to make sure that you''re not just listening to an OB or doctor without consulting experienced high-risk professionals.

 

[vespergirl]

D2B, I''m so sorry to hear about your medical issues, but I think that you guys have made the right decision to not risk your life, or the possibility of leaving your son childless, by having another biological baby.

You sound like such a wonderful mother though, and like a woman who loves children so much. Have you ever considered adoption? I know it''s not for everyone, but that is one way that you could have another child without possibly risking your health.

Either way, my thoughts are with you and your family - your son and husband are so lucky to have you.

 

[Maisie]

Its so hard to ignore the longings of your heart. Your practical side is agreeing with your husband that there should be no more babies, but your maternal desires are so strong its almost painful.

I wish you peace and calm during this sad and painful time. I know words can''t make you feel better. (((hugs)))

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Sorry about your situation. Best of luck. . . Enjoy your son!

 

[Steel]

I feel for you D2B.

Clearly it is the sensible solution but it must be hard on your heart.

However, looking at it from your son''s perspective; he will have even more attention, love and gifts lavished on him and that ain''t bad.

 

[snlee]

I am sorry you had to make such a tough decision. I can''t imagine. Thinking of you. Hugs.

 

[Lilac]

I''m so sorry you have to make such a tough decision - I can''t imagine how hard that must be. *hugs*

 

[D2B]

Thanks noewler,msb700, tacori-ering, geckodani,n somethingshiny, tiffanytwised,vespergirl, maisie, lindsey, mc, steel, snlee, lilac (hope i got everyone!)

Yes I know logically it is right and logically that I am lucky to have a healthy son and am healthy myself.

Lindsey, I have consulted several high risk specialists in two countrries, all say the same, cant predict if it will happen again, there is X % chance of it happening again, nothing to do to minimise risk or effect, the only thing to do is have the child by c-section as soon as I get sick and hope for the best. They cant tell me what to do, but they will monitor me. I got really sick after I had my c-section and diagnosis, and it took 2 years to really recover from the side effects on my system. Some people are happy to play the odds but my husband is not - and if I were him I would say the same. Some people do go on to have healthy children and are healthy, others dont, - for our family it is a risk we logically dont want to take (although some have), and it is not one I can enfore on my husband as he would be the one shouldering the burden of looking after me or a sick child, or motherless children if it all went wrong.

My condition is really rare, so I dont want to disclose it, I am one of those people who really values their anoniminity, it took me a long time to even disclose what country I was on on here

. I have joined an international forum based in the US with others who have had the same thing, and evertime I read the issues others have faced, I realise how lucky I was and am.

I would consider adoption, however adoption in australia is incredibly difficult. Local adoptions are almost impossible- to few children. Inter country adoptions are all carried out via a government agency and the red tape is a nightmare as are the costs. It can take 4-6 years from start to finish to get a child, so not really a solution for our family.

I guess as others have said I am going through the grieving process, giving up my dream of a sibling for my son and another child for us. I know I am lucky to have one child, but the maternal instince/drive is strong and at times irrational.

Thanks for letting me vent, I guess getting it out is part of the process of dealing with it and giving up that dream.

D2b

 

[Pandora II]

D2B - As someone who may well be making the same decision in the future (and for similar-ish reasons), I feel for you hugely.

I hope that you come to find peace with your decision and that you have a wonderful life with your DH and DS.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Oh D2B, my heart goes out to you! What tough decision to make, but take peace in the fact that now you can move on and like you said, focus on your family.

Best of luck!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

D2B I am so sorry that you''ve had to make such a hard decision. Enjoy the son that you have! So many people are having one by choice these days so your son is hardly alone in being an only child. You have him and your husband are are so lucky for that. Stay strong and I wish you only the best for your future with your family

Over the summer I was diagnosed with a rare blood clotting disorder and have been advised by three doctors to not have any more children (I have a 16 month old son). There are significant risks involved for me and it was hard to hear three times over. My husband has struggled accepting the truth and it''s caused some stress in our marriage.

 

[ljmorgan]

D2B I am so sorry for what you have to deal with. It really seems so unfair that so many people who don''t seem to want children can have them so easily, and families that truly want children sometimes cannot. I wish you peace during such a difficult time.

 

[D2B]

Pandora, I am sorry to hear that you may have to make this difficult decision yourself, my heart goes out for you.

DivaDiamond, I am so sorry, it is hard. I suppose we mothers sometimes have to remember that our husbands, (the fathers) may well undergo a similiar journey of grief and disappointment if they wanted more. I am glad your had a healthy pregnancy the first time round.

Lindsey, it is sooo true about how it is unfair when children are born unwanted, or into situations where they are not cared for or looked after properly and there are others out there, who desperately want one or more children and cant have them. It is unfair for all. A part of me is starting to toy with the idea of later when my son is older perhaps getting involved in a voluntary capacity with a childrens charity or becoming a part-time foster carer for weekend respite care, or something like that - obviously a big decision to make if I go down the fostering route and one that will involve all the family, but who knows mabey some good can come out of it all in the long run.

Well, i am actually getting myself mentally ready to pack up all his outgrown clothes and toys and give some away to charity and sell some of the bigger pieces. I have crammed every cuboard full of outgrown baby stuff, and run out of storage space, so when I have finally gotten rid of everything in a way it will be a big relief and visible proof that I have moved on. It is amazing how much you can accumulate in 5 years of clothes, toys and accessories, I am bursting to the seems and it is time to let go.

Thanks again all of you, it is amazing how touched I am at your messages of support,although I dont post as much as a lot of you (part of my desire to remain anonomous (

), I am pretty much on here most days.

 

[D&T]

Date: 11/14/2009 2:15:23 PM
Author: Maisie
Its so hard to ignore the longings of your heart. Your practical side is agreeing with your husband that there should be no more babies, but your maternal desires are so strong its almost painful.

I wish you peace and calm during this sad and painful time. I know words can''t make you feel better. (((hugs)))

I cannot say it better

Offering you *hugs* D2B I cannot imagine what it must feel right now

 

[oddoneout]

Wow this must be hard. I do agree with your hubby though. He wants you around to be his partner (well everything) and a mother to your child. I think it''s a good idea to focus on your family you have now (though I know it''ll be hard).

 

[packrat]

What a difficult decision D2B! Just wanted to send you lots of hugs and encouragement. You already mentioned the possibility of looking into some sort of foster care later on..that''s what I was going to suggest. There are lots of babies/kids that need a little extra love and support when they''re going thru a scary time in their lives...Mommy''s with stretchy hearts and lots of love.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It can be a really hard reality to know that you may not ever become a mother (again). I definitely feel for you...but hope that you can realize in time the blessings you have. And you know, if you want to adopt...5 to 6 years isn''t the end of the world...

 

[Bliss]

D2B, I am so sorry but also so inspired by your incredible love for your son and your husband...and for the world. It would be such a beautiful thing if you later decided to reach out to other children in need. I wish you strength when you clean out all of your son''s baby things... That will be heartbreaking to do and I hope you also make time to mourn if you need to, with your husband. Wanting children and not being able to have them is a grief only some people will ever understand and I am really sending prayers your way!