Weird to ask this on an engagement ring forum… but has anyone been divorced from an “ok” partner?

[qubitasaurus]

I agree with everything you’re saying. For me, I’m at least 60% happy, and it’s easier to ask myself if we could improve to get that extra 10% than to get 40% and be 100% happy! Good to poke holes in that fantasy.

We have three small kids and add in a pandemic and no family help… very hard to have time and space and energy for anything.

I have to say you're doing amazingly well already. To be hanging in there with 3 young kids and a pandemic a long way from family is an achievement. I think that if this is the source of the angst then it may be temporary. I'd try being kind to yourself and paying for some extra help so you guys can have some alone together time and also some personal/individual time alone. Or come up with some things that you can look forward to/hang on to. Once I felt better it'd be easier to see ways I could reinvest in myself and in each other.

 

[diamondyes]

I have to say you're doing amazingly well already. To be hanging in there with 3 young kids and a pandemic a long way from family is an achievement. I think that if this is the source of the angst then it may be temporary. I'd try being kind to yourself and paying for some extra help so you guys can have some alone together time and also some personal/individual time alone. Or come up with some things that you can look forward to/hang on to. Once I felt better it'd be easier to see ways I could reinvest in myself and in each other.

Husband just lost his job so now that I look at everything from a step back… no wonder I’m having a tough time and questioning where I’m at! The diamond diagram really helps to think about though. Diamonds always help

 

[diamondyes]

I have to say you're doing amazingly well already. To be hanging in there with 3 young kids and a pandemic a long way from family is an achievement. I think that if this is the source of the angst then it may be temporary. I'd try being kind to yourself and paying for some extra help so you guys can have some alone together time and also some personal/individual time alone. Or come up with some things that you can look forward to/hang on to. Once I felt better it'd be easier to see ways I could reinvest in myself and in each other.

Anyways thank you for the kind words. It means a lot.

 

[diamondyes]

I personally found the point at which my babies grew into young children was the hardest on my marriage (from my side, my husbands tough point came later).

As my children grew from toddlers to small people (3/4 years old) I started to find myself again after being buried in nappies, struggling with sleepless nights plus full time work. I finally started going out with friends again, not feeling so exhausted, and regained a bit of “me” - the old me that I felt like before kids.

At that point I started to find my husband boring. I wanted to go out and do more things, feel some excitement and passion again, rediscover life as more than a mother. To my eyes all he wanted was to plod along in the same old way and sit watching TV every night.

I used to moan he didn’t make enough effort, didn’t make me “feel special”, didn’t SEE me in the way I wanted to be seen and appreciated now I’d lost the baby weight and found makeup again. This wasn’t really about my husband - it was about me. I behaved in lots of silly ways and made myself quite miserable wishing I had “more”. Did that phase pass? Of course it did. And other stages came after. Some good, some bad. But certainly for me that stage of life was very hard. If you’re in that phase I really feel for you. I think many of us go through it.

Yes- I am in that early stage and it is so so hard. Comforting to know that that’s not unique. May I ask which phase was hard for your husband? I relate to so much of what you’re saying. Thanks for sharing.

 

[diamondyes]

My husband and I met online and had a long distance relationship. You could say we moved mountains to be together. I gave up a lot in terms of career and financial stability to be with him. We are each other’s rock. After almost 15 years together, I am still happy with our relationship and feel like I married my best friend.

But what I am not happy with anymore is our nomadic lifestyle. This is not my husband’s fault, but I’m more inclined to believe could be the fate he was born into. He has never lived in one place for more than 10 years since he was born. 10 years may be over estimation, 8 may be the actual record. To be clear, I’m not talking about wanderlust. It has been external factors driving our move every single time. Since my marriage itself is the product of globalization, I can’t really blame it, can I?

It was exciting and fun to start new adventures when I was younger but that faded as I aged, and realized what I lost every time I uprooted. Now that we have a child, one with special educational needs, I really dread it when he starts bringing up opportunities in new cities. With new eyes, I can understand now why divorce rates are so high amongst expat families. Sometimes it happens even when there is a lot of love left.

I relate to this so much. We move a lot for my husband’s job- it is so hard having to start over in a new city every few years. Big hugs!

 

[diamondyes]

Ah right, the book was Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life by Gail Sheehy.

Thank you! I am a reader- I will look for this.

 

[icy_jade]

We have three small kids and add in a pandemic and no family help… very hard to have time and space and energy for anything.

With 3 small kids and no help no wonder you feel down! Hang in there as I think it does get better as they grow older and become less dependent on you.

The first two years after I had my daughter (2nd kid, difficult baby) were terrible. Personally I think not being able to sleep well (she woke every 2-3 hours until she was 2) broke me and drove me nuts. Work was also super stressful so that didn’t help although thankfully I had domestic help (which offsets no family help) but still it meant never quite having a day off after kids since my helper is off on Sundays.

How old are yours? For me the turning point was when my daughter finally started sleeping through the night (>5 hours stretches) and even then it probably took me another 1-2 years to feel decently happy again.

 

[diamondyes]

With 3 small kids and no help no wonder you feel down! Hang in there as I think it does get better as they grow older and become less dependent on you.

The first two years after I had my daughter (2nd kid, difficult baby) were terrible. Personally I think not being able to sleep well (she woke every 2-3 hours until she was 2) broke me and drove me nuts. Work was also super stressful so that didn’t help although thankfully I had domestic help (which offsets no family help) but still it meant never quite having a day off after kids since my helper is off on Sundays.

How old are yours? For me the turning point was when my daughter finally started sleeping through the night (>5 hours stretches) and even then it probably took me another 1-2 years to feel decently happy again.

All under 5. It’s hard. Thank you for sharing, it means a lot.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Husband just lost his job so now that I look at everything from a step back… no wonder I’m having a tough time and questioning where I’m at! The diamond diagram really helps to think about though. Diamonds always help

Wow thats a lot to cope with. I can see that it would be stressing out most areas of my life -- very few of them would be intact while trying to counterbalance all of that. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to send you dust. I've always found things are a bit like a wheel, they go topsy-turvy periodically but then they come back together again and it's all good again. Maybe that makes no sense but I hope it improves.

 

[icy_jade]

All under 5. It’s hard. Thank you for sharing, it means a lot.

It is hard. Not sure what I can do except to send you some dust/well wishes and hope that things improve soon. On hindsight, maybe I had some post natal depression too and I do wonder if seeing a doctor could have helped me get through those years more easily. And talk to your husband. Sometimes men can be oblivious.

Oh, and one tiny thing that really helped me was getting an automatic milk making machine for the relentless night feeds. I had a Baby Brezza (and it was probably the only model available then) but there are so many brands now.

 

[HS4S_2]

My Husband and I have four kids aged 16-23. We were married within a year of meeting and had our first child very young. I was 21. We have grown in so many ways and both of us have changed. Which is bound to happen since we have been together for so many years. We are a team and have always done things together. I feel like we have a very successful relationship and that we are each supportive of each other's growth. We find our selves with uncharted waters right now because our kids are all in University and we have a lot of down time in comparison to previous years of lots of children's activities. He has worked more and I have been a little off balance for lack of a better description. We decided to start some new adventures together and make it a point to try new things together. It has just proven to me that I made a very solid love connection all of those years ago. We just purchased an RV and plan to travel and just enjoy life. I would not change who I married but it took work to stay connected and happy. I feel very lucky he was on the same page.

I have seen an uptick in our friends getting divorced right now. I think it's very much about this stage of life. Many of them traded in relationships for that "shiny new penny" dream that just doesn't exist. Many regret their choices. I hope everything works out for you! I agree with one of the previous posters percentage of happiness scenerio. None of us are 100 percent happy all of the time.

 

[Ionysis]

Yes- I am in that early stage and it is so so hard. Comforting to know that that’s not unique. May I ask which phase was hard for your husband? I relate to so much of what you’re saying. Thanks for sharing.

His tough time came years later - more of your standard mid life crisis in some ways I suppose. Started an emotional affair with someone who “understood him”. After I asked him to move out reality him him like a brick. We lived apart for a few months (at my insistence) before we decided to try to rebuild things. Both of us learned a huge amount during that process and I’d definitely say our marriage is so much healthier and closer that it ever was previously as a result. Quite possibly because now we both know that the illusion of greener grass isn’t what it seems. We are much kinder and more tolerant and supportive to each other now, and our family unit is far stronger.

We seem to be brought up to imagine a marriage as a fairytale of mutual support and closeness and enduring love. Some people ARE lucky enough to have that. But I think it’s much more common to find that marriage offers huge challenges and equally huge opportunities for growth and personal development. Whether you stay together or not. At the end of the day that’s what life is all about isn’t it? Developing more self awareness, becoming more conscious, wiser. Mistakes and pain and uncertainty are inevitable on that road.

I’m well into my 40s now and, despite a few extra wrinkles and pounds I could do without, I’m a far more grateful and contented person than I was when I was younger. I can see that progression hopefully continuing as I get older - even knowing the great tragedies which life can throw at you.

I also found it really helpful to speak to a third party. As I didn’t have mental health issues I didn’t think a therapist was appropriate for me but I did see a life coach who was superb. It helped me focus on my strengths, develop better awareness, taught me stress management and self care techniques which were equally useful in my career and made me feel more grounded and in control. Journaling was also very useful for me. I started a gratitude diary which made me focus on the positives - only five minutes a day - a couple of paragraphs of whatever I was feeling but always with the last sentence on something good not bad. Just taking that time for myself with my coffee was calming and gave me some space. It’s easy to spend the entire day running yourself ragged with small kids. And you get resentful and exhausted and you just want things to be different. I know it’s easier said than done but try to carve out even 15 minutes of peace for yourself in a day.

 

[peacechick]

Husband just lost his job so now that I look at everything from a step back… no wonder I’m having a tough time and questioning where I’m at! The diamond diagram really helps to think about though. Diamonds always help

-3 kids under 5
-No help
-Global pandemic
-Unemployment
-Prospect of moving

There are a lot of stressors on your plate. Extremely understandable why you are feeling this way and having a tough time. Especially if you feel like you have to keep things together for the family. Please be kind to yourself at this time. I’m not sure if you have any friends in the area who can help do some babysitting. Or consider trading roles with your husband for a few hours a day where he cares for the kids while you edit his resume, look for job leads and write cover letters. It’s a simple switch but actually can feel like a break.

 

[LilAlex]

We have three small kids and add in a pandemic and no family help… very hard to have time and space and energy for anything.

These are the hardest years, imo -- and I contributed less at home than my spouse so I was insulated. I am glad that we did not make any life changes based on how we felt for those few years. Like most young parents, we were (excessively) focused on our kids' safety and development and maximizing opportunities for them. We did everything together as a family but not much as a couple. We both worked FT or pretty close to it.

The days were long but the years were short. Trite but it really is true.

With three little ones, how will you find Mr. Right -- or even make the time to look for him? Maybe you have someone in mind already.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Having little kids and no help is so SO hard. We had nearly zero help with the kids and as a result hardly any time out alone to do anything. Now that they are 7 and 14, we can go out and get away, not having to drag a child along for every single trip out is amazing.

So that part gets easier with time.

 

[Mrs_Strizzle]

I have a different experience than many who have already responded. I married my first husband and the father of my 3 biological children. We were married 16 years. He wasn't physical or verbally abusive, just possessive of me and jealous. He sold it to me as just how much he loved me. I was young and felt lucky to be adored so much by my husband. Day to day was fine. We didn't really fight. I just felt isolated, as he never liked anyone else in my life like friends and coworkers.

I decided one day I needed more. I asked for a separation. Everyone in my life was stunned, especially him. It was a very difficult 2 years after that.

I then reconnected with my junior high sweetheart. We ended up getting married 27 years after our first kiss. He is the complete opposite of the first, a total social butterfly and not jealous at all. I then discovered the baggage I carried, struggling at times with the LACK of jealousy and him having so many people he cares about in his life. Oh, the irony. But I took the time to work on myself, as I deeply love this man and believe he is my soul mate. Now 5.5 years into our marriage I still feel like I have found my unicorn and we are "marriage goals " as some friends call us.

But we wouldn't be if I had refused to see how I needed to work on myself and find contentment in and with myself. I don't regret for a minute divorcing my "ok" husband. I could have stayed married to him the rest of my days and been ok and even happy 70% of the time. But I chose to seek more, and found it.

 

[Mrs_Strizzle]

I wanted to edit my post above but it's too late now to say I am in no way giving marriage or divorce advice. I'm an advocate for self work, meditation, and therapy. Happiness can be found on the other side no matter what you decide, but it has to come from within you (in the absence of abuse, obviously).

 

[nkarma]

My personal experience:

I married my husband because I was very much controlled by my parents at that point in my life. My father thought my husband was extremely "controllable" with well off parents. A nice addition to the family that he could "control" because hubby is extremely serene and comes off as daft most of the time.

So I listened to my father because there would have been hell to pay had I tried to date other people. Plus on paper it was an extremely sensible decision and I am very big on making sensible decisions so in that sense I was very happy with my solid choice.

Hubby is amazing. Kind, patient, stable, extremely sane with a dash of adorable silliness and the encourager of dreams. Having been raised by my awful parents, I picked up certain traits from them. Unfortunately one of those traits is that I tend to see the world from my very narrow viewpoint. Hubby really pushes me to explore everything else that's out there. He plays devil's advocate in the most gentle and well balanced way. I've grown so much with him.

And no he was not "controllable" like my father had hoped. He's too kind and decent to be pushed into anything crappy much to my parents dismay!!!!!!

We've discussed this. I've confessed to initially "settling." Hubby says he never felt that I settled because I've always brought in so much drama and passion to our relationship. Go figure =p

ETA: We have one child (by choice) whom we call our "hobby child." This has definitely made life easier I think. There is less daily grind. We both have a lot of free time to pursue our own interests and I think this contributes to overall happiness and our marriage.

Can I ask how old your child is? Or at least what stage they are in - baby, toddler, young, preteen etc...
The fact that you said you have time to pursue your own interests is slightly surprising to me. We are talking about having one and I worry greatly about how much of myself and interests I will have to give up. Many times, it doesn't seem worth it and I worry about regretting it. I also worry about regretting not having a kid too though...

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Can I ask how old your child is? Or at least what stage they are in - baby, toddler, young, preteen etc...
The fact that you said you have time to pursue your own interests is slightly surprising to me. We are talking about having one and I worry greatly about how much of myself and interests I will have to give up. Many times, it doesn't seem worth it and I worry about regretting it. I also worry about regretting not having a kid too though...

He's nine but we found things dramatically easier when he learnt to read (around 4yo). We were very opposed to screen time so before he could read it was very "go go go" as we always had to find ways to entertain him. After he started reading and moving onto chapter books it was just so easy to send him off to read. I didn't always need to be "on." He would wake up in the morning, toilet the dog for us while we were sleeping and read for another two hours.

He also stopped tantrums at 4 so you could sit at a cafe with him and chat during lunch etc

Of course there are other pressures at this age like school, exams, friendships, extra curricular activities but he has his own little life and we have ours. I really enjoy it. He's a great friend. When he was little I'd just want peace to sit and eat lunch sometimes, away from the tantrums and constant demands. These days he's my "date" and I go out of my way to organize things so that I can have his company. Hubby feels the same. He's always got games that he wants to play with DS.

DS and I enjoy the same books and articles so it's very fun to introduce each other to different reading materials or movies and discuss them. Obviously we have our own interests as well and he's at that age where he will politely let you vent or rant to him about your latest hobby.

I find his company just as enjoyable as any of my girl friends. There's no motherly love in that statement. It's how I feel about him as a person in general.

I found the first year incredibly difficult but it got easier and easier. I'm not a baby person though so the baby stage was really tough. The first year was insane though!!!

 

[FL_runner]

Can I ask how old your child is? Or at least what stage they are in - baby, toddler, young, preteen etc...
The fact that you said you have time to pursue your own interests is slightly surprising to me. We are talking about having one and I worry greatly about how much of myself and interests I will have to give up. Many times, it doesn't seem worth it and I worry about regretting it. I also worry about regretting not having a kid too though...

I’m chiming in to say that having a child changes your prioritization and it absolutely should! But there’s no reason you can’t carve out time to pursue your interests. I love running and was back doing that as soon as I was medically cleared, and take my kids along. My husband and I work full time but have both earned masters degrees via virtual learning while our kids are little. I used to go to a painting class with friends, and my husband would go out to the shooting range with his. We both work full time at pretty demanding jobs. Covid put a major damper on things, but I generally included my kiddos in socializing, dining out, etc.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Can I ask how old your child is? Or at least what stage they are in - baby, toddler, young, preteen etc...
The fact that you said you have time to pursue your own interests is slightly surprising to me. We are talking about having one and I worry greatly about how much of myself and interests I will have to give up. Many times, it doesn't seem worth it and I worry about regretting it. I also worry about regretting not having a kid too though...

I thought maybe it might help for you to hear from someone who did regret it. I was devastated shortly after the birth of my first. Everyone else seemed to be achieving great things and I was just sitting there sobbing really not able to achieve or do anything. I was so tired I'd walk into the wall just trying to traverse the corridor from the bedroom to the kitchen. I was doing an awful job at work in that state, which made me miserable.

It got better though. Over the course of a couple of years my daughter became the light of both of our lives. She came everywhere with us, to lots of work related engagements (we'd relinquished most other hobbies for work years ago). Slowly most of my work colleagues would stop to chat to her. She'd always get a smile out of everyone, especially us. So much so that we've just had a second. He's a lot easier to handle, and oddly it took me a while to reconcile myself to the lack of a screaming baby.

 

[nkarma]

Thanks for all of your responses they mean a lot. If I am going to do this, it's about to be now or never. I'm late 30s and have a very nice life - live in a major city going to shows, dinners, music festivals. I have a nice home to read and relax in and I travel a ton (pre-2020). Hope the little one can fit into this some. 4 years sounds like a long time to get a semblance of peace!

 

[icy_jade]

Thanks for all of your responses they mean a lot. If I am going to do this, it's about to be now or never. I'm late 30s and have a very nice life - live in a major city going to shows, dinners, music festivals. I have a nice home to read and relax in and I travel a ton (pre-2020). Hope the little one can fit into this some. 4 years sounds like a long time to get a semblance of peace!

It depends quite a bit on the temperament of the baby/kid. You may get a quiet and happy/chill baby, or a more demanding one that cries all the time. Maybe a kid that is happy to curl up with a book, or one that is super active and always wanting to do some physical activity. I have both so I can see how it can be easier if all the kids have the same quiet/chill temperament . But anyway you cannot “order” a baby on demand. Most important is that they are healthy and the rest will get easier with time.