Wedding is Off

[AsscherGirl]

Dixie - I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts. Please take some time for yourself - maybe do something fun with your son. You deserve a good time right now!

 

[Mara]

dixie i can't even imagine what you are going through right now. i agree with janine that just because he is acting so blase does not mean he erased you from his life or that he doesn't care about you or doesn't really love you. men do strange things like pulling away or trying to avoid contact when they are dealing with something like this. when greg and i broke up for a few months years ago, immediately he acted like he was totally over me. it really hurt because he had always said how much he loved me and had been waiting for someone like me and then i thought gosh and within a few days he practically erases me from his mind and life and seems to be moving on quite fine? my mom clued me in that men do that as a survival skill, i'm sure not all men, but that is exactly what he was doing. i was never far from his mind but he thought we were over and he wanted to try to just not deal with it and that meant not dealing with me either. coping or healing or whatever mechanism. whereas i think women want to talk and hash things out...figure out what's wrong, what went wrong, whatever.

and not to give you too much hope (though hope is always nice)....but maybe he is just dealing with a case of serious cold feet, too much at once, whatever. i don't know that this entirely spells the end for you and only doom and gloom, sometimes a break or a reality check in a relationship can be a great thing if you two DO want to move fwd. so i would try to keep an open mind...and try not to 'imagine' what he is thinking or how he is feeling, that is a true road to disaster in my opinion. i had worked myself up into a tizzy of 'he lied to me when he said he loved me' and similar by his silence and in reality he just wasn't ready to deal yet. as you know we got back together, worked it out, have way better communication and have been married for 3 years now. so while yes i think it's low of him to tell you this now, better now than later, and maybe you two can come to some type of understanding about the future if you do both still want to make it work. if not, then it IS for the best as you know now and you can work on moving on and finding someone who does want to share your life forever. hang tough and stay strong...!!

 

[sumbride]

Oh Dixie, HUGS to you and your son! Even if it doesn''t feel like it, you will get through this. You are capable of more than you know, and I believe that you will make it through.

Whether it is really over or he just needs to figure it out, do whatever is best for you and your son. Leases can be broken... your heart is more important.

 

[Ladyoflovers]

ah, dixie, i am terribly sorry for you! i guess we should only feel sorry for the expenses spent for the wedding preparations but on the other hand it is better that these happen before it is too late. how heartless and idiot some men can be! where was his mind all these years??? you can''t just wake up one morning and say "hey, sorry but i don''t love you anymore."

engagement is not a child''s play. i wish you all the best with your new life. i''m sure it will be much much better.

 

[NYCsparkle]

WOW!!! i''m sooo sorry this is happening to you and your son. i hope all turns out well. talk to him and see if its just cold feet or if there is a deeper issue thats been festering inside of him. you will survive and be stronger for it. hugs.

 

[aljdewey]

Just wanted to say I''m thinking of you, Dixie, and hoping that you''re finding the inner strength I know you have. So sorry for the turn of events.

 

[jas]

Oh honey, hugs to you and your son. You will find the strength to go through this...whatever "this" is right now.

Best wishes,
Jas

 

[Steel]

Date: 7/30/2007 10:46:45 AM
Author: Mara
men do strange things like pulling away or trying to avoid contact when they are dealing with something like this. .........my mom clued me in that men do that as a survival skill, i''m sure not all men, but that is exactly what he was doing. i was never far from his mind but he thought we were over and he wanted to try to just not deal with it and that meant not dealing with me either. coping or healing or whatever mechanism. whereas i think women want to talk and hash things out...figure out what''s wrong, what went wrong, whatever.

I am sorry you are going through such an upsetting time Dixie.

I have come to learn that partners are not perfect and marriage is not ''happily ever after'' - and more importantly rarely is anybody ''Right''.

Mara gives great advice here, which I also learned from bitter experience. Men and Women can be very different. There are a billion possibilities which could have affected your partner either just recently or in his past to have made him make this decision at this time. Or perhaps, and I am very sorry to say, he got scared that marriage is around the corner and that is not a direction he wants at the moment. Either or he needs to be clear with you and himself.

This can be a very stiffling time. Try to keep your head about you rather than swamping yourself in emotion. Do what is right for you and your son.

Oh, I second the comment about therapy, you need to be able to put this in context and therapy will assist you and keep you leveled. Also it might be a good idea to get a professional opinion on the level of involvement you should allow your son to have. It may not serve to tell him too much in case it all works out in the end. Its hard to take back a negative comment and may make your child feel unsettled.

-----Disclaimer------- I don''t know you or your son, just my opinion.

Take care.

 

[fabcrab]

HUGS! I''m so sorry you are going through this. Please stay strong!

 

[TravelingGal]

Aw Dixie, I am so so sorry to hear this.

I''m also a bit ticked off at your man. This is just...wrong! I hope you have a lot of love and support from your friends to get you through this. HUGS.

 

[therighttime]

Hi Dixie,
As some others have posted, I too feel like we are friends through reading your posts and getting to know you since the LIW board. I am SO sorry to read that you (and your son) are going through this. Just take care of yourself and try to get through each day. It will get easier. I will keep you in my thoughts that you can work things out as what''s best for you and your son.

Hang in there and please keep us updated. We are all here for you.

 

[monarch64]

Dix, anytime, anyplace...you need a shoulder I''m here. I''m sure DeeJay, Irish, Catmom and whoever else from this area would love to take you to a blingfest or just coffee, or maybe even a much needed martini. You''re one of the nicest and most caring people I''ve "met" on PS, I''d give anything to take away a little bit of the pain you''re feeling right now.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Dixie, just sending positive thoughts your way!!! I''m keeping you and your son in my thoughts...
Hugs,
M~

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 7/31/2007 3:50:23 AM
Author: monarch64
Dix, anytime, anyplace...you need a shoulder I''m here. I''m sure DeeJay, Irish, Catmom and whoever else from this area would love to take you to a blingfest or just coffee, or maybe even a much needed martini. You''re one of the nicest and most caring people I''ve ''met'' on PS, I''d give anything to take away a little bit of the pain you''re feeling right now.

monarch, what a lovely offer! I hope dixie takes you up on it soon...how are you today dixie?

 

[akw94]

Thanks so much for all the kindness that you''ve all shown me.
Every day is just another day right now, it doesn''t feel better. I can''t seem to sit still too long so I''m straightening but am so tired. I feel like I can barely breathe.
I honestly don''t know how to keep functioning. I really don''t. I took the last two days off and am going to try to go to work tomorrow but I''m just not sure how it will go. If someone asks about the wedding, how will I prevent myself from breaking down.
I received an rsvp for the wedding today and a package at the post office of wedding stuff. It''s truly a nightmare.

Monarch, I truly appreciate the offer!

Mara, if you don''t mind sharing, how did you and Greg get over your separation and how did he go from pulling away to coming back to the relationship? I definitely feel as though he''s already trying to erase me from his life. It is unbelievably heartbreaking.

Although I pushed him to come to a decision about what''s next, I realized I''d rather wait until he gets home to talk in person. Whether we try to work on things (if he''s open and willing) or whether we completely split.. I just can''t have that talk while he''s still gone.
I''m just trying to make the time pass somehow.

Thanks again.

 

[FireGoddess]

Dixie - hon, what a sucker punch. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I think everyone has given you such good advice. I don''t know if this will turn out to be him feeling overwhelmed and retreating to his ''cave'' or him coming to a realization about himself and hurting you deeply in the process, but I hope that everything works out to your benefit in the end, whichever way the situation unfolds. *hugs*

 

[Mara]

"Mara, if you don't mind sharing, how did you and Greg get over your separation and how did he go from pulling away to coming back to the relationship? I definitely feel as though he's already trying to erase me from his life. It is unbelievably heartbreaking."

_____________________

HI Dixie...yes I well remember how I felt when we had broken up and it felt like he was just moving on and could care less about me or our relationship or all the things he said to me. Really what kind of brought us back together was plain and simply, some time apart, and reflection on both our parts.

We let some time go by without speaking, really because he wanted it that way...and then when we made contact it was for me to wish him a happy birthday...and he responded by wanting to setup a dinner. At that dinner we did a lot of talking about how the time apart had been for us...and we both had some 'realizations' I guess. We realized that while we had some things to work on, that we were happier together than apart and that was a huge realization for us...I think once people actually believe that then the other things fall more into place. If people are unsure, then it's a lot harder to want to work on things.

Even though that was years ago and we have been happily married for a few years now, I still remember that time quite well...it was not fun and I remember the ups and downs. I also remember how happy we were to be back together after our time apart and how much it did change us. I doubt we'd be married today if we had not gone through that.

So that is why I say don't try to imagine what he might be feeling, and actions don't speak louder than words in a situation like this in my opinion. There was one evening after we split up where I called Greg and started to go on about how I wanted us to try again and he was stone cold flat with me saying he wasn't interested. It struck me to the bone. I still get chills thinking about it. I thought for sure that was it. And after that I didn't contact him again other than the email 2 months later. I kind of beat myself up at the time for not having enough pride to not call him and break down on the phone but on the other hand, many people say that pride has no place in a relationship...that you have to be willing to do things that are maybe outside of character for you in order to show the other person real emotion.

But that was HIS way of dealing with it. He didn't want me to sway him, didn't want to talk to me, see me. Out of sight out of mind. But then he really missed me. And this is a man who had cutoff all other ex's from his life when the relationship was over. With me he just couldn't do that. So I think that showed him something as well. That while we had some things to work on, life was better together. And after our reflection, we both laid our cards on the table and found we both were interested in trying again. And it was so fabulous.

I really hope that things do work out for you guys...because you two are so close to tying your lives together and I really do believe 99% of couples don't just get there without some trying and real 'want' on their parts...sometimes they just need a little push at the end. I would say to be patient but not TOO patient, and definitely keep your pride about you but don't let it hinder you if the time comes and he wants to talk. If he definitely does want to shut you out and it goes on for a while, there really is not much you can do, so you would just want to move on at that point. When we were broken up, after that call, where he made his feelings pretty clear, I was all set to move on and that is what I was doing. And I was doing just fine. But we both realized that we'd be *better* together. But if he hadn't realized that and I hadn't sent that email or whatever, who knows where we'd be now.

Bottom line, take care of YOURSELF and your son. I would make it clear to him what your wishes are, but it has to be a two way street. Maybe he does need some time on his own to figure things out. There is the off chance that maybe the time he has had on his own recently has shown him that his life is not *better* with you. OR (and I think this is more likely) he could just be realizing that he likes being alone and independent and thinking that means he shouldn't get married BUT doesn't realize what that could actually mean long term, aka no you in proximity but you loving him from afar is not the same as no you entirely if that makes sense. Only time will tell.

But you WILL BE FINE, regardless of what happens with him. We are all really much stronger than we know or give ourselves credit for and you are not an exception. Best of luck and please take care of yourself. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel good, whether it be dinners or outings with friends, pampering at the spa, working out and getting some agression out, do it. Distractions were a huge help for me in the time we were apart, faking acting like I was having fun and spending time outside with others eventually turned into really wanting to be out and having fun. Good luck girl.

 

[Jaders731]

Dixie...

I know that I am late chiming in here, but I have been sitting here for a day and a half struggling to find the words that at the very least could offer you some encouragement. Words have failed me (which is sooo very rare!) with this situation..

I am sooo very sorry that this is happening.. and all the ladies here have given you some wonderful words of hope and care...
You have been such an amazing cheerleader for all of us when we need it the most.. you make the most beautiful additions to any conversation we have.. and now.. we are here being your cheerleader!
Its very unfortunate (worlds largest understatement) that this is happening to you and your son right now, and its only natural that you are in a state of grief. Thats ok... (not that you are seeking approval for your feelings...) but we get it... we understand how you feel.. and want you to know that crying... anger and all of the emotions that come with this, are GOOD for you. They help you get through this.
Please keep your chin up, and take care of yourself and your son. That is A #1 right now...
You are strong.. you will be strong.. and you will get stronger along the way. Anytime you need it, we are here listening to you.. hearing you.. and trying to help.

Hugs to you...

 

[KimberlyH]

How are you doing, dixie?

 

[janinegirly]

hi dixie, i''m glad you''re checking in now and then, it makes us feel better to know you''re hanging in there. good for you for you for taking 2 days off, you need it. but going back to work will give you some stability and distraction too (to help the time pass!). don''t worry, if anyone asks about the wedding just give them a one word answer and they''ll go away. no body needs to know your business at work for now.

i glad your bf is coming back to talk (was it today?)--he needs to see you in person and explain himself. trust me that he has not erased you, he is just doing the typical "run and hide" male thing when things get tough. but it is completely cruel and he needs to step up, and talk to you face to face and explain himself. to do this once the invitations are out is just beyond unbelievable.

so focus on that for now--getting through each day and talking to him so you can vent out all your hurt and hear him explain his bizarre behavior. however, try not to (i know it will be very hard) think of how to make him come back or change his mind. IF that happens, it has to be on his own accord, and it also has to be on terms that are ok with you--and right now that bar is pretty high. you will find it hard to trust him again and to trust your son''s expectations with him. but for now...day by day dixie, you will get through this and we will help you!

 

[anchor31]

dixie - I just saw this, and I''m so shocked and angry! I can''t believe he watched you work your a$$ off planning this wedding and he never really thought of the marriage... So he got cold feet and ran. I can''t6 even imagine how devastated you must be...

I wish I had something better to tell you, but I sincerely hope that everything will turn out for the best. I''m thinking of you and praying for you. *big hugs*

 

[Mandarine]

I''m thinking of you girlly, hang in there.....we''re here for you if you need anything!!

Hugs!

M~

 

[mela lu]

I honestly do not know what to say...nothing I say will make you feel *that* much better...but the only thing that I can think of right now is that if I had one wish for you, it would be for you to enter into a marriage without doubt, without resentment and 100% knowing that you are entering into a lifelong commitment with someone who you love and loves you back equally.

I truly hope you can find the strength and support that you need to get you through this devastating time. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

 

[Diamonds4Me]

I am truly sorry to hear this. Try to hang in there and know that your son is with you to support you during this time and that you have all of pricescope with you as well.

 

[Becky P]

Dixie-

I can somewhat relate to what you''re going through right now. Although I wasn''t engaged or planning the wedding yet, my bf and I just broke up. It''s been devastatingly hard, and I''ve hardly worked for the past 2 weeks - which isn''t good b/c I''m on commission. I feel your pain and sadness - you''re grieving for the life that you *thought* you had - it''s sad to watch our dreams just disappear like that, and especially when we''ve got no control over it! It''s so freakin'' frustrating!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRR. It''s been 2 weeks now for me, and I still am not feeling anywhere near normal. My boss kept asking me every day when I got to work how things were, what was going on, etc, etc. So, finally I just had to send her an email and tell her that I needed for her to NOT MENTION anything about my relationship - the second she mentions it, I break down and am no longer functional. So, Thursday I actually worked my first full day in the last 2 weeks. If you have the time, I''d take a week vacation or sick days or whatever so that you can process through some of these emotions without having to "hold it together" at work. I know I''ve felt so exhausted the past two weeks - wierd how you can become physically exhausted from emotional trauma. I second the recommendation to see a therapist. I''ve been seeing one, and although I hate, hate, hate going to counseling and find it akward, it''s been really helpful. Right now, we''ve got to focus on ourselves. Is there anyone who could take your son for a few days or a week?? Maybe he could go visit grandma?? I can''t even imagine trying to take care of another person right now with how I''ve been lately. I do know one thing. You are a strong, amazing woman. It comes across in all of your posts. I know it may seem as though the world is over right now, but I know that you''ll make it through. Whether you two work things out or whether it''s really over remains to be seen - only time will tell. But, regardless of what happens, I know that you will have an amazing life! It''s hard to picture right now, but I know you can do it! Please feel free to come here to vent, scream, yell, cry, whatever. We are your friends and we are here for you in whatever way we can be! And, hey, if you have a spinning class at your gym, go try it out - it''s been great therapy for me!!! Take care hun!

 

[princesss]

I''ve got to second Becky''s suggestion of a spinning class, and add in that I had a lot of success with kickboxing. It really helps get the anger out in a constructive way, plus it exhausts you and keeps you from thinking about this for 1/2 an hour.

My thoughts are with you, hun, and I hope things start to get better soon.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

dixie, i just came across this post. i''m so sorry to hear that you are hurting. know that your PS friends are thinking of you and wish you the best.

 

[akw94]

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone. I appreciate you all taking the time to offer me support and share your thoughts.

Mara, thanks for taking the time to share about you and Greg. I still have hope that this will not be the end for our situation but I just don''t know. I don''t know what he will say when we talk. If he truly treasures the years we had together or if it''s just easier to walk away w/o dealing w/any of the issues that he sees. And I don''t know if I will be able to move forward after what he''s done. I''ve never experienced such pain in my life before. I''m glad your situation worked out for the best w/your husband.

Jaders, thank you! I sincerely appreciate everything you said.

Kimberly, thanks for asking about me. I''m not doing that well, to be honest but I''m just trying to get through each day.

Mela lu, thank you for that wish. Up until days ago, I absolutely thought that wish had come true. It is so devastating to realize that''s not the case.

Becky, I''ve thought of you as I''ve gone through this. You''re right, I am grieving for the life I thought I had, for the future I''d already planned on and was looking forward to, for the rest of my life w/this one person.
I can completely understand needing your boss to not mention your relationship. People have been really good about not mentioning the wedding but instead asking about me. That has helped b/c I can''t bare to talk about it. I ended up going to work last Thursday and it was extremely difficult. I spent a bit of the morning in my office in tears. When I finally was about to go to court, I saw a supervisor and almost broke down in his office. So then back to my office. But finally I worked up the nerve to face the day and am glad I did.
I did end up taking a few days off and got away but being back, it just feels the same. It''s hard to imagine it feeling any different, especially until after we talk but I really am trying to focus on one day at a time.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to write something. I read each post and each one really meant a lot to me.

 

[Selkie]

Oh Dixie...I just saw this thread. I''m so sorry for this upheaval in your life. I hope you have friends and family that can help support you through this, and also that healing comes as quickly as possible. Stay strong.