Wedding Front-Runner/Race to the Altar

[megumic]

I got engaged August 9, 2009. Our wedding will be on 10.10.10.

Two weeks ago my brother informed me that he was getting married...after 9 months of dating someone. Ok. Fine. Now, he''s getting married THIS MAY!

As you can imagine, I''m feeling slighted. He has not for one second recognized that he''s literally stepping in front of me and shoving me out of the way for his wedding. The only way this could be worse is if he were a girl. To top it off, as his only sibling I am not included in the wedding.

Of course his fiancee''s sibling is though. (If it makes a difference we have already asked him to be in our wedding.) I''m very hurt to not be included, I''m torn up about trying to not be a brat and upset he is front-running me, but I just can''t help it.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? How can I be mature about this when it''s literally making me furious and I feel so hurt? How would you react?

 

[lilyfoot]

Please forgive me, I''m truly not trying to be insensitive, but why are you upset that he''s getting married before you?

Did he mention a reason why you''re not inclued in his wedding? I find that odd, if you guys are close.

 

[Nov2109]

We were the first out of our group of friends to get engaged. We are having a semi-long engagement 1.5 years...and finally getting married this June. All but two couples out of 9....yes 9 couples have gotten engaged after us and are either married already or will be married before us.

It started to bother me at first and then I just didnt care anymore. You''ll have your day...just like I''ll have mine.

I do find it odd your brother is not including you... How many people are in the bridal party? Are the two of you close? Maybe they thought you didnt need the added stress?

 

[April20]

I''m sorry your feelings are hurt because you aren''t included in his wedding. If you can, I think you should talk to him about it so it doesn''t leave bad blood between you for the long haul.

As for getting engaged after you and married before you, I honestly never understand why this upsets people. His getting married before you doesn''t make your day any less special. How long he and his girlfriend have or have not been dating really doesn''t matter either. It doesn''t make their engagement/plans to marry any less valid than yours. I would hope that they didn''t set their wedding date with the express purpose of "beating you to it". If they did, that''s a whole other issue.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Okay, I can kind of see why you might feel like he''s "stealing your thunder" as it were, but it''s not like he''s getting married a month before you. Five months is plenty of time between the weddings. Are you worried about people comparing them? Like lilyfoot, I''m not trying to be insensitive, just trying to get a handle on why you''re upset. I think if you take a minute to figure out EXACTLY why this bothers you, you might find that your reasons are silly.

Do you know for sure you''re not included in the wedding? Do you mean as a brides/groomsmaid or included period? Maybe they''ll have a role for you down the line that they haven''t told you about yet. Are they having a big wedding party? Are you? I think it would be best if you talked to your brother about this. I''m sure they didn''t decide to do this with malice.

 

[decodelighted]

You are choosing to wait OVER a year between engagement and wedding. Not everyone wants to wait that long. He shouldn't have to delay his wedding plans, should he?

And I don't think you being in or out of the wedding has anything to do with it really. He has a right to have his wedding the way he and his bride want it --- and you'll have your wedding the way you want it.

Are you sure this has to do with weddings & not some kind of pre-existing competition or hard-feelings with your brother?


ETA: A wedding is a DAY, not a *year and two months* yanno?

 

[honey22]

For one second you haven't realised that your brother's wedding has nothing to do with your own. I honestly don't know why you are getting upset about it. Ok, they are getting married before you, what's the problem. You should be happy for them.

ETA, I reread my post and found that it didn't come accross as I had intended, so I am sorry. I am just saying you should be positive, that this isn't going to do anything to spoil your day, your wedding is still going to be wonderful, no matter what your brother does. Chin up!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I can understand that you feel like they are stealing your thunder.

That said, everyone is on a different schedule. I hated getting "lapped" when DH and I weren''t even engaged and people kept meeting their soulmate and getting married!

We FINALLY (after a year and 6 months) got engaged in November of 2009. Another couple got engaged that Christmas (after 5 months of dating) and they were married a month before us...I was initially stung...but in the end, nothing changed the fact that I married MY soulmate on my wedding day.

Age is also a huge factor. DH and I are in our early to mid-thirties and we are financially in a place that we didn''t need a long engagement (9 months). Couple above are in their late thirties and they want children and DH''s friend is even better off, they had a really short engagement (6 months).

Is your brother older? Is his bride? Are they wanting to have family quickly?...those are just ideas I am throwing out there.

As far as not being in the wedding, I totally agree with previous poster who stated that maybe they thought it would be too much stress so close to your wedding.

I would have a candid talk with him...I know my brothers and I can talk about everything! When I wasn''t asked to be in my brother''s wedding...I asked and he very bluntly told me, "You don''t like her...why do you want to stand up there?" Touche! No one was hurt or offended and that day was all about him and his bride. I had my own day.

 

[laughwithme]

I will start by saying that, unlike some previous posters, I totally understand why you feel cr*ppy about this situation. It felt like this engagement period belonged to YOU, and YOUR plans...and now someone (a family member!) comes along and steals the thunder. I also understand your internal confusion because you truly WANT to be happy for your brother, and you''re angry at yourself for feeling this way. I get it, and I would be the same way.

From reading your brief post, and making a total guess without any knowledge on what your bro is like as a person....he probably has no clue you feel this way. He probably has no idea how caught up in planning a woman gets before her wedding. He probably has no idea that some of us DO compare weddings, be it food or venues or colors. He probably thinks you are totally stoked for him and will spend the next 2-3 months focused on his wedding, before resuming planning for yours. And the fact that he doesn''t get it - makes his actions ok, in my opinion. Men don''t always get things like that. If he understood the way you feel, and basically said "sorry Charlie" - that would be one thing. But the poor guy probably has no clue.

At this point, there''s nothing you can do. You HAVE to find it yourself to be happy for your brother and your soon-to-be-sister-in-law. I promise, in a few years, this will be a laughing matter. "Remember when you got engaged after me and married before me and how ridiculously upset I was?!" So, for now, try to grin and bear it. Even if you don''t feel happy inside, be happy for him - he''s family, and its what you do. Hang in there, your big day is just 9 months away, and it will be what all of your family and friends are focused on once bro''s wedding is over.

 

[megumic]

Thanks for the feedback. It''s nice to know others in similar situations have had similar feelings. I know I''ll get over the "lapping" issue, but the exclusion from the wedding party is another story...

I know it all seems so darn silly and that''s why I posted - to get some rational input. I have approached him about all of my feelings and while we''re close, he''s kind of been dismissive and has not given me straight answers.

When he initially said they''d be getting married in two months, he said some hurtful things like "we don''t need time to plan our wedding - we aren''t having a magazine wedding" insinuating that I was (which just isn''t the case anyway...)

While I am happy for him to get married, and I like his fiancee (as much as you can like someone after meeting them once), I think I''m more upset that he''s rushing to do it in two months. Particularly when our parents are in the middle of a brutal divorce and while he is out of state, I''m stuck here dealing with it. (Slight resentment for sure.) I asked if there was a reason to rush the wedding (i.e. a baby on the way) but he said that was not the case. I understand everyone has their own timeline, but their engagement was a shock to everyone in the first place - let alone getting married two months later. It makes me uncomfortable that he is marrying someone after only 9 months of dating, and while I''m trying to be happy for him and I know it''s his life, it is concerning.

He did not give a reason I am not included in the wedding. I mentioned how much this upset me and I even said I''d stand on his side and wear a suit to fit in. My mind has started to wander and I''m thinking maybe it''s his fiancee who doesn''t want me in the wedding...? (She is having her sister, and he is having two guy friends.) This only even came up b/c he asked me to fly in in time for the rehearsal dinner, and I then asked if it was necessary since it seems I''m not in the wedding party.

I''ve gotten several comments to the effect of the title of this post. I really don''t know how to respond, but other friends and family see it too so it''s not just me.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Sorry, this is upsetting you. My brother got engaged after dating his now wife for only 4 months, and they were married 6 months later. While, I didn''t think he was making the smartest decision, I knew I had to respect the decision because he was happy and he was a grown-up. My sisters and I were not in the wedding party, nor did we expect to be because we did not know her that well, and she had important people in her life that she wanted in the wedding party. Now, I was not engaged at the time, so I can''t speak to how that would have made me feel, but I hope you can just let that go and know that your wedding is still going to be special. It sounds like they are going to be very different styles of weddings too. Try to be supportive.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I hope this doesn''t offend, but... maybe she is pregnant. Two months is an awfully short engagement. Then again, maybe they just really want to be married! I don''t think there''s any way your brother''s wedding will take away from yours because five months is a long time!

So take a big breath, give your brother the benefit of the doubt, and congratulate him. I''m sure it will all work out. I am not sure that I would recommend telling him you''re hurt that you''re not in the wedding... if they ask you to be in the wedding as a result, you''ll feel awkward. If they don''t ask you after that, you''ll be even more hurt! I would just talk to the bro and let him know that you really want to help him celebrate his day in whatever way you can and to please let fiance know that she can call you for help on anything. Then if they do ask you to do be a part of the wedding, it won''t feel forced, and you won''t have to wonder if they''re just doing it to pacify you.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

nevermind on everything I just said! I read your post that was posted while I was writing my response.


If you''ve only met her once, there''s your answer... she doesn''t want someone she''s only met once standing up with her. While I don''t necessarily agree with that - I had my SIL stand with me because even though we are not best friends or anything, I know she is important in our lives, and I used the opportunity to strengthen our friendship- I do respect your FSIL''s decision. You shouldn''t take it personally... how could it be if she doesn''t even know you?

I''m sorry your family is going through a tough time.

 

[beadchick]

There is something behind this need to get married so quickly though. Actually, its interesting that you mentioned your parents are in the middle of a bad divorce. I think his rush to get married might have more to do with this than with your own wedding. How hard has their divorce been on him? Is he trying to be married before the divorce finalizes? Maybe he thinks something will change between your parents post-divorce and pre-his wedding? Its just verrry interesting timing.

 

[caribqueen]

I''m sorry about this. I totally understand. I also have a brother and he would never think of doing something like that. But I say that because he knows how I am. He understands that in my mind, whether it makes sense or is true or not, I''d feel like he was stealing my thunder. My brother and I are very close like that though. (So maybe there is a reason for such a quick wedding.) We also would have family issues. In my case, potentially asking family from Europe and the Caribbean to travel twice in one year for a wedding would be a problem. But hopefully that''s not an issue for your family.

Having said that, I think there''s really nothing you can do about it and you will have to find a way to move past it and what better way to do that then to focus on your own fabulous wedding? Who cares if it''s a "magazine wedding?" It''s unfortunate that you''re not in his wedding, but I wouldn''t get mad unless they ended up with like 5 or more BMs, then I''d say, ask his fiancee about it, otherwise, you may have to let it go.

 

[megumic]

Date: 3/7/2010 10:31:17 PM
Author: beadchick
There is something behind this need to get married so quickly though. Actually, its interesting that you mentioned your parents are in the middle of a bad divorce. I think his rush to get married might have more to do with this than with your own wedding. How hard has their divorce been on him? Is he trying to be married before the divorce finalizes? Maybe he thinks something will change between your parents post-divorce and pre-his wedding? Its just verrry interesting timing.

I agree with this. I''ve mentioned to him that perhaps he''s trying to hold on to anything stable. But who knows.

On a side note, his FI will not live w/him until they are married. So this may be pushing the issue. I personally feel this is not a reason to rush marriage, but they may.

 

[lilyfoot]

megumic, is your brother older or younger than you?

Please don''t take offense at this comment, but it''s really not any of your business when or why your brother wants to get married. It''s not up to you to figure out any underlying issues, or if his FI is pressuring him, or any of that. I do think it''s pretty crappy of him not to include you in the wedding party, since you say you guys are close, but the only thing left to do, IMO, is show up to the wedding, smile and be supportive.

Other people will always do things that you don''t agree with, or don''t see the reasoning behind. But it''s their life, and you have to let them live it, KWIM?

 

[doodle]

Date: 3/8/2010 8:59:26 AM
Author: lilyfoot
megumic, is your brother older or younger than you?


Please don't take offense at this comment, but it's really not any of your business when or why your brother wants to get married. It's not up to you to figure out any underlying issues, or if his FI is pressuring him, or any of that. I do think it's pretty crappy of him not to include you in the wedding party, since you say you guys are close, but the only thing left to do, IMO, is show up to the wedding, smile and be supportive.


Other people will always do things that you don't agree with, or don't see the reasoning behind. But it's their life, and you have to let them live it, KWIM?

Maybe it's not her *business* but in some families, particularly between relatives who are close, that doesn't matter so much. I know in my family, everything is everyone's business whether you like it or not, haha! Anyway, what I'm saying is it's human nature I suppose to speculate, particularly if the circumstances seem out of character for her brother, and I know if my brother were to do something totally opposite of how he generally acts, I'd analyze it to hell and back out of concern for him and what was making him act so differently. I totally agree, however, that at this point, the only thing you really can do is grin and bear it and love him even if you don't understand his motives. As for his not asking you to be IN the wedding, sometimes women are more sentimental about family being included than the men are, so maybe he just didn't really think it'd matter. Obviously, he wants you to be there though or he wouldn't have asked you about coming in for the rehearsal dinner.

 

[redfaerythinker]

Not to be harsh... but I think you''re out of line. Yes you have a right to feel slighted, but it is THEIR wedding, not yours. It is almost half a year apart from yours. You don''t own the year. And to be honest... you''ve only met the girl once... why should she be forced to ask you to be a bridesmaid. In my humble opinion, a bride should not be forced to have anyone standing up for her. It should be those that she feels closest to. For this reason I''m not having my FI''s sister in my bridal party. Just try to put yourself in her shoes. This is her special day. Of course she wants her sister to stand with her. To be honest, other than blood tying you to her FI, you are no more than a stranger. With regards to the timeline... it may be sudden, but everyone is different, even in the same family. You have discussed your concerns, and that is all you can do. It''s time to step aside and let him live his life. And maybe learn that the world doesn''t revolve around your wedding.

 

[monkeyprincess]

I forgot to mention that I have one brother, and my fiance has one sister, but neither of them will be in the wedding party. We decided on a small wedding party, and I have two sisters who will be my maid of honor and matron of honor. His very best friend/law partner will be his best man. Those are the people who are mostimportant to us. We like each other''s siblings, but we are not yet that close to them, and we didn''t feel it was necessary to have them in the wedding party. We are including them in the wedding though - his sister will probably read and my brother will be an usher and their children will be flower girls and ring bearers.

 

[Amzizzle]

I think you have to remember,that having siblings in the wedding party isn''t an obvious choice to everyone.My fiance has a sister,and she will not be in my wedding party because she lives far away from us,and I barely know her (even though I think she''s great). No one is offended and it wasn''t even really expected for me to ask her.

I''m just trying to say it might no be a attack or anything against you,some people just don''t think about it or care.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t think being a little upset makes you some crazy bridezilla.

Your brother getting married only 5 months before you will probably make it hard for any out of town family members to be able to go to both weddings. Someone said there''s almost a year between your dates and I''m not getting that math!

That would be my major concern if the same thing happened to me.

Actually, my cousin got engaged a few months after me but she ended up getting married a year before me. She checked to make sure her wedding date wouldn''t conflict with mine because she didn''t want there to be an issue for our overlapping guests. And that''s my cousin! Your brother should be more understanding.

 

[yssie]

Yup - worrying about who gets there first is a silly thing to do

.



I would sit down and talk to him again, though. Even if nothing changes and you're still not in the wedding, it might help to talk to him about it and make sure that the two of you are on the same page, at least.. it sounds like he's said a few hurtful things

.

 

[mayachel]

This has sort of happened to us. Not from a sibling thank goodness. We've been together for years and there will be a cousin's wedding for EACH of us (me and fiance) TWO weeks before our wedding. One on Saturday, one on Sunday. Laughable right?! Both engaged about 6 months after us, and have been together about half the time we have. My cousin did ask me if I minded when she was booking her date which I thought was sweet of her. About that time there had been someone else on here asking a similar question and all the PS brides said "hey, ya don't own the whole summer" so I genuinely told her I didn't see a problem with it and I thought it was great of her to ask.

Hindsight that could only come from experience of it all, as her STDs, bridal shower, hen night etc... all happen before mine, I feel like family will be wedding-tired by the time they get to mine. (We already had THREE family weddings albeit spaced last year).

We've also already had family tell us that they had to choose between taking time off to attend the weddings and though did it very tactfully, "chose" their wedding over ours. It has been hard to not feel a little jealous about it.


Boy this has gotten long winded! Just wanted to let you know, it's ok to feel that way but I recommend sucking it up and dealing. Thankfully the weddings are MONTHS apart. I also have a feeling in your scenario people will feel like your brother's wedding is a bit of a rush together wedding which will burn fast and furious where as view yours more of a "Wedding".

ETA: We've also been joking that there is going to be a change in the fees, which is why EVERYONE we know who isn't already married is getting married before us. We have two other friend weddings to attend this summer of people who got engaged after us and getting married within a few weeks of us.

 

[megumic]

Thanks again for everyone''s comments and support.

Point of clarification: both of our weddings are OOT, so yes, guests will have to travel for both. Mine is a two hour drive, his is a flight. It will be interesting to see which guests attend which weddings...

We''ve had subsequent conversations and it seems he and his FI don''t want me in the wedding

 

[zipzapgirl]

If you''ve only met the future SIL once, maybe she thinks it will be awkward to have you as a bridesmaid. It''s a pretty intimate thing to have your closest friends there, and maybe she''s already had hers picked out for a very long time.

The groom''s family often takes back seat in these types of planning things. Sometimes the groom doesn''t think something is important, is completely oblivious, or leaves it all to his fiance. If she doesn''t know what''s important in your family, then its not necessarily her fault.

Cheer up--at least they''ll have to do the annoying job of gathering the family addresses

 

[RaiKai]

1. On the issue of him getting married before you:

I am saying this gently but it may come across as a bit harsh. You do not get a monopoly on the day, week, month, year or the anniversary going on. I can understand being bothered if he picked the week before or after, which would make it difficult for guests, and seem insensitive, however it is MONTHS before yours. His relationship is not your relationship and yours is not his. He can get engaged after nine months, and get married in May and does not have to plan his relationship around yours.

Honestly, the wedding one day (not even - a few hours!). Yes, it is fun, and yes it is special, but life goes on before it, and after it and the world does not come to a stop for your wedding day.

2. On the subsequent issue about you feeling he is rushing planning in two months:

Again, his relationship is his relationship. My husband and I planned our wedding in ten weeks (we were engaged after 10 months of dating), and had just the wedding we wanted. We would not change a thing about it, though it certainly would not have been everyone''s style! We certainly don''t feel we rushed it. It was right for us and we were ready emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. We just wanted to be married and had no interest in spending months, never mind a year planning a wedding that would not fit for us!


3. On the issue of you not being in the wedding party:

I don''t know the first thing about your relationship with your brother. I can empathize with feeling hurt. However, couples are allowed to decide who to have in their wedding party. We did NOT even have a wedding party. We each asked one of our siblings to sign our certificate, but that was the extent of involvement by anyone in a "wedding party". No one stood up beside us or was appointed maid of honor or best man or any such thing.

The reason was that EACH of our guests was important to us and we wanted them all equally to share in the experience. We only had sixteen guests, as we only chose to invite people we were very close to and had been there for us in our lives and that meant some friends got invited, whereas some close blood relatives did not.

If we HAD had a wedding party, we would NOT have automatically picked siblings to be in our wedding party just because they were siblings. For me, a wedding party is with people who are CLOSE to you. Not because you are "obligated" to invite certain people.

Your brother and his fiancee can choose the wedding that works for them - that includes the date, the timing, the guests, and the wedding party. It is their wedding. Period. All you can do is choose whether or not to participate.

 

[anchor31]

Sorry you''re going through this. It sort of happened to me so I understand. In mid-May ''08, my brother called me to tell me he''d just proposed and they were thinking about "beating me to the altar" (yes, he said that)... I was getting married in August. Now I had a 2-year engagement so I couldn''t expect anyone to put their lives on hold all that time, but getting engaged 2½ months before my wedding to "beat me to the altar" by a couple of weeks at most? I was pretty upset, especially since all our family is OOT and probably wouldn''t have made the trip twice so close together. Anyway, they soon realised there was no way they could book a July wedding 2 months out, so they got married in November. In indsight, I''m pretty sure he didn''t do it out of malice, so before you start feeling resentful, ask yourself if it''s really worth damaging your relationship with your brother. I also do understand you''re upset he didn''t ask you to be involved in the wedding, as my brother didn''t ask me either, and he was involved in mine. Again, in indsight it''s not so bad, as the BMs wore green, gold and white prom dresses.

My advice is to rant all you want to other people, but not to your brother. I''m sure you''ll both have a great time at your weddings, no matter who gets married first.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 3/7/2010 8:55:17 PM
Author: honey22

ETA, I reread my post and found that it didn't come accross as I had intended, so I am sorry. I am just saying you should be positive, that this isn't going to do anything to spoil your day, your wedding is still going to be wonderful, no matter what your brother does. Chin up!

I completely agree with honey - I don't think that you really have anything to be upset about - 5 months is a long time and he's living his own life - not competing with you (or at least I hope he's not!)

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I''m sorry you''re upset and hurt. Are you close to his fiancee? If not, then why would you want to be in the wedding?

I did not ask FI''s sister to be in our wedding party, but my sister is my MOH. I feel bad that I may have hurt her, but I did not want a huge wedding party, and I wanted all of the girls to be local & really close to me (so that it would be easier to get together, plan, etc.) Me and FI''s sister weren''t THAT close to each other at the time I was engaged. Besides, I wasn''t planning to do a whole bunch of showers and parties, etc... so I didn''t feel like I needed a ton of girls in my bridal party. I thought it would silly for 12 people to be standing up for an outdoor wedding

We asked her to do a reading instead... felt that it would be a more appropriate role for her.

Hopefully that gives you a little insight into WHY a bride might not choose to ask her FI''s sister...