We need a new listkeeper...
- Thread starter Becky P
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princesss
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2007
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- 8,035
Becky, hun, I can''t begin to process this, mostly because it sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. While our relationship wasn''t nearly as serious as you and this guy''s, almost the exact same things were happening. I was torn, as well, because I was basically one of 3 people he had loyal to him, and I felt like I should help him...and then I realized there''s no point in being loyal to somebody who had no desire to be loyal to me. I can''t tell you anything you don''t know at this point: he''s a #$$%$#$ing jerk, you deserve so much better...but it changes how you view the whole relationship, and that''s hard at first, but crucial. You feel like you understand him, but please keep in mind that he''s not letting you be there for him. He could have trusted you or treated you with respect SO MANY TIMES. He could have broken up with you and trusted you with his secret. You are a good person. You know you''re not going to out him. It''s tempting once you get into the angry place that you''ll be in soon (and I know how angry that can really become...it ate me up for quite a while).
I''m glad you''re taking care of yourself. It sounds like you''re doing just what you need to do. You''re in my thoughts, and I hope that you know how amazing you are just to be able to cope with life right now. Betrayal like this makes life so hard to deal with, and you are so strong just to be able to do things like arrange to get yourself tested, look at moving back to where family and friends are, etc. Those things would be scary normally, but to do them now? It shows what an amazing person you are. You may think I''m crazy for thinking that, because it''s just what you have to do, but I stopped functioning. Completely stopped.
*hugs* You''re a wonderful person, and please remember that you are worth SO MUCH MORE than he''s given you, and that your friends and family and all of us care about you and worry about you and will be with you while you put everything back together.
I''m glad you''re taking care of yourself. It sounds like you''re doing just what you need to do. You''re in my thoughts, and I hope that you know how amazing you are just to be able to cope with life right now. Betrayal like this makes life so hard to deal with, and you are so strong just to be able to do things like arrange to get yourself tested, look at moving back to where family and friends are, etc. Those things would be scary normally, but to do them now? It shows what an amazing person you are. You may think I''m crazy for thinking that, because it''s just what you have to do, but I stopped functioning. Completely stopped.
*hugs* You''re a wonderful person, and please remember that you are worth SO MUCH MORE than he''s given you, and that your friends and family and all of us care about you and worry about you and will be with you while you put everything back together.
Independent Gal
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2006
- Messages
- 5,471
Hang in there Becky! Each week will get a little easier, then each month, and eventually, you''ll get to feeling normal and happy again.
I know how it can feel like it will NEVER get better, and I know how hard it must be right now, but sometimes it''s helpful to remind yourself that time really does heal if you let it.
Princesss'' suggestion of kickboxing is an EXCELLENT idea. Maybe even bring his picture in and tape it on the bag.
I know how it can feel like it will NEVER get better, and I know how hard it must be right now, but sometimes it''s helpful to remind yourself that time really does heal if you let it.
Princesss'' suggestion of kickboxing is an EXCELLENT idea. Maybe even bring his picture in and tape it on the bag.
janinegirly
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2006
- Messages
- 3,689
becky, thanks for checking in!! and don''t be a stranger..
and please don''t be too trusting of your bf/ex--there''s alot you thought you knew about him, and were sure in your gut was true, which turned out to be so wrong. Watch out for yourself only and good luck with the packing and moving! You will feel so much better when it''s done...like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders! All that time you were waiting you always wondered whyyy it was so dragged out, it has to be somewhat liberating to now know and be free to make decisions on your own!! hang in there girl!
and please don''t be too trusting of your bf/ex--there''s alot you thought you knew about him, and were sure in your gut was true, which turned out to be so wrong. Watch out for yourself only and good luck with the packing and moving! You will feel so much better when it''s done...like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders! All that time you were waiting you always wondered whyyy it was so dragged out, it has to be somewhat liberating to now know and be free to make decisions on your own!! hang in there girl!
sleeping beauty
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2006
- Messages
- 305
becky, glad you are doing OK. Hope you keep checking in with us once everything is settled for you.. best wishes
phoenixgirl
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2003
- Messages
- 3,390
Becky, I''m sorry to read this update on your situation, but I''m glad for a few reasons too --
You''re moving back to Chicago, where you sounded so happy. I remember thinking you should just move there when your ultimatum ran out.
You have an answer as to why the proposal wasn''t coming. It wasn''t you (of course it never is, but this situation is somehow more freeing than if he broke up with you just to find a different non-Muslim woman to marry, although he may still do that). And it wasn''t his religion either, well, at least not in the way that we thought. I''m sure that his religion makes dating a non-Muslim woman much more acceptable than being an openly gay man, so you were maybe a safety net. AND because of religion he had an excuse for not settling down with you.
I do feel sorry for him. I have a gay friend from Afghanistan who pretends his partner is his "landlord" when his parents visit. The social stigma for many gay/bisexual people in different parts of the world is so much greater than what many of us have, which still is nowhere near full acceptance.
I am SOOOOO glad that you found out before getting married. I had a married youth leader who was later convicted of molesting many high school aged boys over many years (I make no comparison between molestation and secret consensual sex, except to wonder if perhaps my leader had accepted his sexuality, he wouldn''t have married, had children, and then tried to pursue relationships with youths placed in his care). I attended his wedding and got to know his wife a little. She has stood by him through the allegations, trial, and admission of guilt. I just find it soooooo sad that they could both choose to continue in this life together. I''m sure his love for her is real, and vice versa, but I wouldn''t stay with a man who was cheating on me out of respect for myself, especially with a man (because that wouldn''t be about us growing apart; that would be about him wanting/needing a different life), and all the further I wouldn''t stay with a molester out of respect for his victims.
OK, sort of a tangent, but I''m so glad that didn''t turn out to be your life, where this comes out years later, and you stay because of the kids or because of habit or because of shame. Many of the gay men and women that I know were previously married, and I don''t think we can judge them as living a lie at that time in their lives. We don''t know what it was like to grow up in Afghanistan and attend a hypnotist just hoping these thoughts would go away, or to grow up in the rural South and ask for a doll house for Christmas only to be given a gas station. Not being sure who you are or not being ready to accept it isn''t the same thing as living a lie. There''s something tragic and even noble about trying to deny what makes you happy for the sake of those around you.
As far as whether or not you can help him, well, I don''t think you really can. Nor are you responsible to do so. You''ve already moved twice for him, and now you need to get your life back where you want it to be on your own. I think that when the anger and shock and feeling of betrayal subsides, you can feel sympathy for him. I do. I doubt that just because you found out he''s suddenly going to accept his sexuality and live it openly. His religion/culture/family is a powerful force in his life, and those who say he should just stop living a lie and be himself don''t understand that. He would literally have to reject his religion, culture, and family to accept himself. Maybe for every ten people in that situation, one will choose to do so. He has a hard road ahead of him, whatever path he takes, but only he can make that decision.
Becky, I wish you the best of luck. I wish you new adventures in Chicago or wherever you wind up. I wish you late nights laughing with friends. I wish you fun as you find a new place to call home and decorate it and make it yours, a place that is centered on who you are and who you want to be, not on someone else. I wish you, when the time is right, a relationship where you are nurtured and awakened and inspired, where you have the same hopes and dreams, where you are loved by someone with nothing to hold him back. I wish that when you look back on your recent relationship, you feel glad for the good times you had, but also glad that you were able to let something go that was never quite right. I wish you joy.
You''re moving back to Chicago, where you sounded so happy. I remember thinking you should just move there when your ultimatum ran out.
You have an answer as to why the proposal wasn''t coming. It wasn''t you (of course it never is, but this situation is somehow more freeing than if he broke up with you just to find a different non-Muslim woman to marry, although he may still do that). And it wasn''t his religion either, well, at least not in the way that we thought. I''m sure that his religion makes dating a non-Muslim woman much more acceptable than being an openly gay man, so you were maybe a safety net. AND because of religion he had an excuse for not settling down with you.
I do feel sorry for him. I have a gay friend from Afghanistan who pretends his partner is his "landlord" when his parents visit. The social stigma for many gay/bisexual people in different parts of the world is so much greater than what many of us have, which still is nowhere near full acceptance.
I am SOOOOO glad that you found out before getting married. I had a married youth leader who was later convicted of molesting many high school aged boys over many years (I make no comparison between molestation and secret consensual sex, except to wonder if perhaps my leader had accepted his sexuality, he wouldn''t have married, had children, and then tried to pursue relationships with youths placed in his care). I attended his wedding and got to know his wife a little. She has stood by him through the allegations, trial, and admission of guilt. I just find it soooooo sad that they could both choose to continue in this life together. I''m sure his love for her is real, and vice versa, but I wouldn''t stay with a man who was cheating on me out of respect for myself, especially with a man (because that wouldn''t be about us growing apart; that would be about him wanting/needing a different life), and all the further I wouldn''t stay with a molester out of respect for his victims.
OK, sort of a tangent, but I''m so glad that didn''t turn out to be your life, where this comes out years later, and you stay because of the kids or because of habit or because of shame. Many of the gay men and women that I know were previously married, and I don''t think we can judge them as living a lie at that time in their lives. We don''t know what it was like to grow up in Afghanistan and attend a hypnotist just hoping these thoughts would go away, or to grow up in the rural South and ask for a doll house for Christmas only to be given a gas station. Not being sure who you are or not being ready to accept it isn''t the same thing as living a lie. There''s something tragic and even noble about trying to deny what makes you happy for the sake of those around you.
As far as whether or not you can help him, well, I don''t think you really can. Nor are you responsible to do so. You''ve already moved twice for him, and now you need to get your life back where you want it to be on your own. I think that when the anger and shock and feeling of betrayal subsides, you can feel sympathy for him. I do. I doubt that just because you found out he''s suddenly going to accept his sexuality and live it openly. His religion/culture/family is a powerful force in his life, and those who say he should just stop living a lie and be himself don''t understand that. He would literally have to reject his religion, culture, and family to accept himself. Maybe for every ten people in that situation, one will choose to do so. He has a hard road ahead of him, whatever path he takes, but only he can make that decision.
Becky, I wish you the best of luck. I wish you new adventures in Chicago or wherever you wind up. I wish you late nights laughing with friends. I wish you fun as you find a new place to call home and decorate it and make it yours, a place that is centered on who you are and who you want to be, not on someone else. I wish you, when the time is right, a relationship where you are nurtured and awakened and inspired, where you have the same hopes and dreams, where you are loved by someone with nothing to hold him back. I wish that when you look back on your recent relationship, you feel glad for the good times you had, but also glad that you were able to let something go that was never quite right. I wish you joy.
janinegirly
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2006
- Messages
- 3,689
becky p, let us know how you are!
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