Waiting, but a little different

[JulieN]

So I started falling for a guy exactly a month ago, and last week I realized that I am in love.

Recently had strong urges to talk about feelings, so I asked him where I stood. For sure, we are friends, regardless of the romantic potential. But other than that, he said he couldn''t give me any indication of direction.

So, ladies, would you pursue someone who isn''t necessarily committed to the idea of romantic potential? He did warn me that he generally moved very slowly... glacially slowly, IMO, something on the order of half-years before deciding to be in a relationship. Or would you figure it''s not worth it? Yes, I love him, but it''s so recent and have not invested anything, so it would be easy to cut my minimal losses.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 5/12/2009 6:36:06 AM
Author:JulieN
So I started falling for a guy exactly a month ago, and last week I realized that I am in love.

Recently had strong urges to talk about feelings, so I asked him where I stood. For sure, we are friends, regardless of the romantic potential. But other than that, he said he couldn''t give me any indication of direction.

So, ladies, would you pursue someone who isn''t necessarily committed to the idea of romantic potential? He did warn me that he generally moved very slowly... glacially slowly, IMO, something on the order of half-years before deciding to be in a relationship. Or would you figure it''s not worth it? Yes, I love him, but it''s so recent and have not invested anything, so it would be easy to cut my minimal losses.

Honestly - NO...

I wasted a lot of my life doing that. My mother always told me that ''if a man is interested he will want you off the market asap and will act accordingly. If he doesn''t, he''s not that interested''. I thought she was old-fashioned and that it should be more equal these days. I made all the excuses: he lost my number, he''s shy, he''s very slow to commit to a relationship, blah blah blah...

A lot of people disapprove, but I finally to my mother''s huge relief became a ''Rules'' girl and it made a massive difference to my relationships - I don''t believe it gets you a man, and I don''t carry them on to the same extent in a solid relationship, but they stopped me chasing men who weren''t really interested... I dated men who really wanted to be with me, made it very clear that they did, didn''t mess me about and who built my self-confidence rather than knocking it. I ended up marrying one of them

 

[jcarlylew]

6 months to a year. And if he is a slow mover, until he utters the word monogomy (or commitment, etc) i still keep options open. E wasn''t a slow mover, but i told him quite blank after 6 months of dating that i was no longer interested in the "dating game" and that its either for keeps, or not. Granted, we had moved fast (he had move dinto my apt with other roommates), but people can still drag there feet after that.

I say, if YOU think its worth pursuing, by all means do so! Just know where you stand and where you want things to lay by 6 months, 1 year, from now. of course it won''t work out to a T, but by then you should really know where the both of you stand.

 

[sammyj]

Julie,

There''s such a huge imbalance in this relationship, that personally, I wouldn''t go near it for fear of having my heart crushed. By him not wanting to be in a relationship, does that mean he wants to see other people? Or he just won''t call you his girlfriend? I would be so hesitant to pursue a relationship where I was the only one committed and I was essentially waiting for the other person to come around.

You say you''re in love with him after a month. I would expect that if you stuck around in the relationship for another 6 months then you''d fall even more in love with the guy and when 6 months rolls around and he figures out he doesn''t want to be in a relationship, are your ''losses'' still minimal?

I couldn''t agree more with Pandora. If a man really cares about you and wants to be with you, then he will want to immediately ''take you off the market.'' At least that''s the type of man I would want to date and fall in love with...

 

[Thomperchik]

Honestly, I know this may sound ridiculous, but you should read a book called Dating, Mating and Manhandling. Trust me, it’ll change your perspective on relationships!

 

[fieryred33143]

Well to be in love after only a month or so would be a red flag for me and I would start questioning why I am in love with the person.

In terms of being with someone that way, I was/am. Mr. Fiery moved our relationship very slowly. He didn''t use the word "girl friend" until about a year into our "relatinship" and I didn''t meet his family until 2 years. It all depends on where you are in your life. When he and I first met, I was young (19/20) and marriage wasn''t even on my radar so it didn''t bother me. If I were with someone like that now at my age (27) I probably would not pursue it.

 

[Bia]

No.

I wouldn''t waste my time. If a man is interested, he''ll let you know right away. Why get your hopes up when there is a strong (very likely based on what he told you) possibility that he doesn''t want to be committed? To me, it sounds like he''s beating around the bush.

 

[CurlySue]

I''m with Pandora and sammyj on this.

I spent many, many years trying to "make things work" with guys who weren''t really all that interested in me, and not only did it break my heart, but it also wore down my confidence.

If I were in your shoes, I''d move on and look for someone who is crystal clear about wanting to be with me.

 

[jcarlylew]

i guess i should ETA - Are you already going on dates with him, or more so is this a "hi, we hung out once in awhile, do you like me?"
For some reason i was under the impression that you two have already gone out on dates. If not, then i actually agree with the other ladies. If he''s not willing to go an extra step, then it might be time to cut your loss.

 

[bee*]

I don''t think that I''d wait around. I think that it''s fine to move slowly in the relationship once you''re in it, but if it takes him six months to even know if he''s interested in you, then I wouldn''t wait around.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

You adore him, while he gets to be adored. And he decides the trajectory. hmmm. I am not sure about those relationships that start without mutual attraction from the outset.....

cheers--Sharon

 

[princesss]

I guess the biggest quesiton I have is:

Are you still with your boyfriend?

If so, I wouldn''t act on this. If not...well, I still wouldn''t. Pandora''s right. A guy that wants you wants you off the market and away from the slightest chance of dating somebody else.

 

[KatM]

I would move on now, before you end up getting hurt more down the road.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Julie, I honestly don''t think there is a black and white answer for this.

Obviously you have deep rooted feelings for this man...feelings he doesn''t, at this time, return--and feelings he may never return, according to him. So, in that aspect of things, you''re running a big risk--but the pay out could also be rather large if he comes around in time.

I''m never really one to throw the baby out with the bath, so to speak. So, if it were me, I would probably continue seeing this man...and remain open to the possibility of the relationship going somewhere special. But, I wouldn''t being in a monogamous relationship with someone who wasn''t equally commited to me. I would probably continue to explore other options, date casually and live my life.

Clearly this guy is something special...you love him afterall. If you feel emotionally prepared for potential fall out...then there is no reason to not continue spending time with him. However, if you''re not prepared to have your heartbroken if things don''t work...then cut your losses now and move on. Basically, the ball in totally in your court.

 

[monarch64]

When I tell someone that I''m a slow mover (ok, I don''t say that, but I do tell them up front that I''m not looking for a serious, committed relationship at this time), it means that I don''t foresee a future with that person. So yeah, if I were you and thought I was falling in love with this person but not getting the same response back, I''d probably get out now rather than waste more time on something that could hurt you worse down the road.

 

[tlh]

I''m weird. If there is going to be any sort of imbalance in the liking dept I like the guy to like me MORE than I like him. If I found out I was falling in love with someone who could just see me as a friend, I just see disaster on the walls. Friendships of male and females are usually hookups gone bad (in that one liked and pursued the other... only to find out that they were only seen as a friend the whole time.)

Pandora, you''re spot on about having rules. SPOT ON.

Now, a month isn''t always long enough for a guy to say I Love you and MEAN IT. But it usually is long enough for a guy to know if he''s feeling the warm and fuzzies and wants to DATE YOU and NO ONE ELSE. There''s a certain spark to attraction that cannot be explained, predicted or forced. When I start a relationship, I need that spark to be there from the beginning... I have enough friends... I want my special someone to get frisky with.

I wish you the best, only you know what the true dynamic is between you two, and if he LIKE YOU likes you.

 

[mrscushion]

Honestly? Sounds a bit like "he''s just not that into you" to me. I''ve never experienced any guy to be a slow mover if he''s really interested.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 5/12/2009 11:28:38 AM
Author: tlh
I''m weird. If there is going to be any sort of imbalance in the liking dept I like the guy to like me MORE than I like him.

Me too!
(But then I''ve often lost respect for guys who liked me more than I liked them...)
I think there should always be a good balance. But I also think many relationships, especially early on, go through phases of one person liking the other more, and then vice versa.

It just seems to me that if this guy were going to like you enough to want to be involved with you, he would already know this. My fiance always says, when we''re discussing my friends'' love lives, that if a man is interested in a woman he shows her that in some way. If he''s not asking her out or making excuses to be with her, it''s because he doesn''t like her that much.

I wouldn''t pursue this guy, if I were in your situation.

 

[gwendolyn]

Don''t think I can think of anyone this ever worked out for, myself included. I don''t think I would consciously wait around for him (to the exclusion of other possibilities), but if you enjoy spending time with him and it isn''t one of those "oh my god my heart is painfully ripping out of my chest every time I leave him" kind of situations, then I''d probably still hang out with him. Don''t know, do you think it would only get worse for you over time, or do you think his lack of obvious interest would cool your feelings for him?

 

[JulieN]

Oh, let's see... clarifications.

Realized, of course, that I don't LOVE him... right? After a month? I adore him is a better way of putting it.

We're dating, like we see each other somewhat regularly, about twice a week, and talk most days, which I let him initiate somewhat more often than I do. He likes me enough to do that, which I take to be material. I don't get the feeling that he's stringing me along, yet. I mean, it's certainly not his fault that I fell for him in an abnormally short time. ok, it is his fault, but it's certainly not his problem.

As I understand it, he'd/we'd have the option to date other people, though he wouldn't be sleeping with someone else at the same time.

I do have another good option right now, and I'm keeping that possibility open. And I have been single for months. My ex is currently madly in love with a 6' tall blonde.

After getting the news, I've definitely been moving more towards The Rules with respect to The Adored One. He is amazing, after all.. I adore someone for who he is, not for what he does for/to me. Unfortunately, I do sense a little bit of a nursing/mothering instinct in me, and I've always been a bit of a people pleaser. damn. I want to ease away his worries and fill his heart with peace, and hopefully to get some feelings of adoration in return. Rules is really my only option at this point, lest he get disgusted by the depth of my feelings. Gotta respect myself FIRST.

The thing that makes it all the more pressing, though, is that my Other Option is closing in, and he's no slouch, either. Both 25 in demanding (and similar) careers, and at that age, I'm sure they have swagger in their step from being in a position to make $ and feel important and needed.

It's all very interesting, as the women's opinion (move on, be careful, go in with reservations) is somewhat different than the opinion of my male friends (stick it out, drop the Other Option.) I'm totally chalking that up to the possessive nature of men.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:00:36 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Don''t think I can think of anyone this ever worked out for, myself included. I don''t think I would consciously wait around for him (to the exclusion of other possibilities), but if you enjoy spending time with him and it isn''t one of those ''oh my god my heart is painfully ripping out of my chest every time I leave him'' kind of situations, then I''d probably still hang out with him. Don''t know, do you think it would only get worse for you over time, or do you think his lack of obvious interest would cool your feelings for him?

I''ve always sort of been a masochist when it comes to love... but my heart does not hurt at all when I leave him.

I don''t know if I would eventually go crazy or cool off. It''s usually a personality things that determines that, but my personality in this area has been changing, so right now, I don''t know. Either way is still painful, it''s just the outward symptoms of the pain which are different.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:49:55 PM
Author: TheBigT

Date: 5/12/2009 11:28:38 AM

Author: tlh

I''m weird. If there is going to be any sort of imbalance in the liking dept I like the guy to like me MORE than I like him.

Me too!

(But then I''ve often lost respect for guys who liked me more than I liked them...)

to the latter part, me, too. I am sure that he will lose any respect for me if he feels that I''ve lost respect for myself, as he is always telling me about "crazy" girls with whom he used to have a thing years ago who still contact him.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/12/2009 11:38:48 AM
Author: mscushion
Honestly? Sounds a bit like 'he's just not that into you' to me. I've never experienced any guy to be a slow mover if he's really interested.

Certainly, he's NOT that into me. The whole proposition of me further pursuing him is dependent upon this, e.g. if he were into me, I wouldn't have this problem.

However, he is also not stringing me along at this point.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/12/2009 11:28:38 AM
Author: tlh
I'm weird. If there is going to be any sort of imbalance in the liking dept I like the guy to like me MORE than I like him. If I found out I was falling in love with someone who could just see me as a friend, I just see disaster on the walls. Friendships of male and females are usually hookups gone bad (in that one liked and pursued the other... only to find out that they were only seen as a friend the whole time.)


Pandora, you're spot on about having rules. SPOT ON.


Now, a month isn't always long enough for a guy to say I Love you and MEAN IT. But it usually is long enough for a guy to know if he's feeling the warm and fuzzies and wants to DATE YOU and NO ONE ELSE. There's a certain spark to attraction that cannot be explained, predicted or forced. When I start a relationship, I need that spark to be there from the beginning... I have enough friends... I want my special someone to get frisky with.


I wish you the best, only you know what the true dynamic is between you two, and if he LIKE YOU likes you.

I don't believe that men see women as real friends... or hookups gone bad. Every woman represents a possibility of getting laid, and if I am friends with a man, either he or I regard the other party as deficient in some way. But, anyway, that is just a bit of personal philosophy, and not wholly relevant.

I agree, I feel like the possibility of disaster is very high... but I guess that is just the nature of love, anyway. It's a tiny, minuscule chance that it would work out in any event, so just saying the possibility of disaster on the walls is VERY high when the possibility of general disaster is already high, is not saying much. To illustrate, say the probability of general disaster is 99.5%. Given that there is a general disaster, the probability of catastrophic disaster is 95%. Then, the probability of catastrophic disaster of any event (romantic pursuit) is 94.5%, a negligible difference compared to 95%.

But, anyway, thank you very much for your post. I agree with it, and it is a little bit refreshing compared to the highly rational mode I've been in for the past few days. And I did get to a little bit more analysis in order to reply to you, which helped.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/12/2009 11:22:11 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Julie, I honestly don''t think there is a black and white answer for this.


Obviously you have deep rooted feelings for this man...feelings he doesn''t, at this time, return--and feelings he may never return, according to him. So, in that aspect of things, you''re running a big risk--but the pay out could also be rather large if he comes around in time.


I''m never really one to throw the baby out with the bath, so to speak. So, if it were me, I would probably continue seeing this man...and remain open to the possibility of the relationship going somewhere special. But, I wouldn''t being in a monogamous relationship with someone who wasn''t equally commited to me. I would probably continue to explore other options, date casually and live my life.


Clearly this guy is something special...you love him afterall. If you feel emotionally prepared for potential fall out...then there is no reason to not continue spending time with him. However, if you''re not prepared to have your heartbroken if things don''t work...then cut your losses now and move on. Basically, the ball in totally in your court.

Thanks, Italia! Yes, ball in my court. Great post, and my way of thinking and regarding the situation is very similar to yours. Your post just comes across as super-confident, while I''ve been on shaky ground about it all recently. But that just goes to show that I CAN come across as confident about the situation, without any change in philosophy.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/12/2009 10:35:15 AM
Author: canuk-gal
HI:


You adore him, while he gets to be adored. And he decides the trajectory. hmmm. I am not sure about those relationships that start without mutual attraction from the outset.....


cheers--Sharon

hmm. there was mutual attraction. just not mutual adoration. does that change anything?

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/12/2009 7:03:23 AM
Author: Pandora II
Honestly - NO...

I wasted a lot of my life doing that. My mother always told me that 'if a man is interested he will want you off the market asap and will act accordingly. If he doesn't, he's not that interested'. I thought she was old-fashioned and that it should be more equal these days. I made all the excuses: he lost my number, he's shy, he's very slow to commit to a relationship, blah blah blah...

A lot of people disapprove, but I finally to my mother's huge relief became a 'Rules' girl and it made a massive difference to my relationships - I don't believe it gets you a man, and I don't carry them on to the same extent in a solid relationship, but they stopped me chasing men who weren't really interested... I dated men who really wanted to be with me, made it very clear that they did, didn't mess me about and who built my self-confidence rather than knocking it. I ended up marrying one of them

Great post, Pandora!

I am at the point these days where I no longer make excuses for men. Or, at least, I consciously try not to. I have written off The Adored One twice already, after some perceived slights, though he fell back into good graces after explaining the first one (and I think it's legit) and the other was a misunderstanding which was cleared up.

I'm def going to be hewing closer to the rules at this point, and hope for the best, I guess. I still want to be open to the possibility at this point.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:54:57 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 5/12/2009 11:28:38 AM

Author: tlh

I''m weird. If there is going to be any sort of imbalance in the liking dept I like the guy to like me MORE than I like him. If I found out I was falling in love with someone who could just see me as a friend, I just see disaster on the walls. Friendships of male and females are usually hookups gone bad (in that one liked and pursued the other... only to find out that they were only seen as a friend the whole time.)



Pandora, you''re spot on about having rules. SPOT ON.



Now, a month isn''t always long enough for a guy to say I Love you and MEAN IT. But it usually is long enough for a guy to know if he''s feeling the warm and fuzzies and wants to DATE YOU and NO ONE ELSE. There''s a certain spark to attraction that cannot be explained, predicted or forced. When I start a relationship, I need that spark to be there from the beginning... I have enough friends... I want my special someone to get frisky with.



I wish you the best, only you know what the true dynamic is between you two, and if he LIKE YOU likes you.

I don''t believe that men see women as real friends... or hookups gone bad. Every woman represents a possibility of getting laid, and if I am friends with a man, either he or I regard the other party as deficient in some way. But, anyway, that is just a bit of personal philosophy, and not wholly relevant.

tlh, just rereading my posts and realized that this might seem to contradict what I said in my OP, where I stated that he and I were friends regardless of romantic interest. This basically means that we''ve met each other''s minimum awesomeness requirement for friends. For me, he''s surpassed the bar for romantic interests. And as for him... he probably regards me as deficient in some manner, but is not sure if he can live with those deficiencies or not, or if my other good qualities make up for it. Well, nobody is perfect... I certainly see at least one deficiency in him that I do not care for, but it''s possible that his other qualities make up for it.

 

[chiquitapet]

One month is long enough for him to know if he wants to be with you or not. To say he's a slow mover at this point is a cop out. You deserve someone who`ll adore you and treat you right, not say: 'Hmmm... I`ll let you know in 6 months if I really want to be with you.' And it's so true, the longer you do this waiting game without him being crazy about you, your confidence will slowly but surely start going downhill.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:40:43 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 5/12/2009 11:38:48 AM
Author: mscushion
Honestly? Sounds a bit like ''he''s just not that into you'' to me. I''ve never experienced any guy to be a slow mover if he''s really interested.

Certainly, he''s NOT that into me. The whole proposition of me further pursuing him is dependent upon this, e.g. if he were into me, I wouldn''t have this problem.
However, he is also not stringing me along at this point.

Right -- and I believe that if he''s not that into you now, he won''t be any more so in 6 months'' time.

If you having a ton of fun with him and want to go along for the ride for a while longer, then follow Italia''s great advice and do so while at the same time seeing other people, too. Personally, I''d probably be too worried that I''d get seriously hurt, so I''d probably end the romantic pursuit of this guy now.