Vent...MIL issues - long

[DivaDiamond007]

I try not to do this but I need to vent ladies. I got in the biggest fight with my MIL this morning.

She was watching James in her living area (DH and I live with her) and I was in the bathroom on the other end of the house getting ready for work. I notice that the tv is turned up really loud - lound enough to hurt my ears - and I wonder what''s going on. I finish getting ready and go in there. She''s watching tv while James is playing with his toys. I said that the tv seemed to be pretty loud and she said that he was making too much noise so she turned it up so she could hear it. I told her it was too loud and she had to turn it down. Then she snapped at me. She''s just trying to watch her show blah blah blah, James is being too loud blah blah blah. He''s almost 14 months old! He doesn''t know what quiet means!

I told her that she had to turn it down or he''d go to the sitter''s house - after all, that what''s she''s there for. Well, that really ticked MIL off.

Apparently I:

"don''t want to and don''t know how to care for my own child"
"don''t take care of my husband or family"
"am exactly like my mother - nasty and manipulative"
"threatened" her

Ohhhhhkkkaaayyyyy.

Because I *asked* her to turn the tv down.

Since DH and I have lived with his parents (almost 11 months) I have been more than gracious to have help with James - especially since I''ve been laid up with my leg injury. MIL has told me and DH numerous times that she loves having us around and enjoys helping with James. So WTH!? I ask her to turn the frickin tv down and suddenly I''m not a good mother and a bad person.

Needless to say I''m a mess and I''m really hurt by all of this. I''ve always gotten along with my MIL and now I just feel like it was all an act.

I called my husband at work and told him that he really needs to talk to her today and get this figured out. We need to get out of there or it''s going to ruin our marriage.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/31/2009 10:18:03 AM
Author:DivaDiamond007
I try not to do this but I need to vent ladies. I got in the biggest fight with my MIL this morning.

She was watching James in her living area (DH and I live with her) and I was in the bathroom on the other end of the house getting ready for work. I notice that the tv is turned up really loud - lound enough to hurt my ears - and I wonder what''s going on. I finish getting ready and go in there. She''s watching tv while James is playing with his toys. I said that the tv seemed to be pretty loud and she said that he was making too much noise so she turned it up so she could hear it. I told her it was too loud and she had to turn it down. Then she snapped at me. She''s just trying to watch her show blah blah blah, James is being too loud blah blah blah. He''s almost 14 months old! He doesn''t know what quiet means!

I told her that she had to turn it down or he''d go to the sitter''s house - after all, that what''s she''s there for. Well, that really ticked MIL off.

Apparently I:

''don''t want to and don''t know how to care for my own child''
''don''t take care of my husband or family''
''am exactly like my mother - nasty and manipulative''
''threatened'' her

Ohhhhhkkkaaayyyyy.

Because I *asked* her to turn the tv down.

Since DH and I have lived with his parents (almost 11 months) I have been more than gracious to have help with James - especially since I''ve been laid up with my leg injury. MIL has told me and DH numerous times that she loves having us around and enjoys helping with James. So WTH!? I ask her to turn the frickin tv down and suddenly I''m not a good mother and a bad person.

Needless to say I''m a mess and I''m really hurt by all of this. I''ve always gotten along with my MIL and now I just feel like it was all an act.

I called my husband at work and told him that he really needs to talk to her today and get this figured out. We need to get out of there or it''s going to ruin our marriage.

Diva, first of all, my sympathies. IL issues are rarely fun.

However, not knowing the exact nature of your relationship with MIL, take this with a grain of salt: IMHO YOU need to talk to your MIL, not your husband. He needs to back you up, yes, but put on your big girl panties and discuss this with her like adults.

Most likely, if you have always gotten along, this was just a simple fight and she didn''t mean those things. She was lashing out at you. Or, she could have bottled up inside and it all came out just then. Either way, you need to have a heart to heart with her.

And yes, you "threatened" her. Either she plays by your rules or the kid goes to the sitters because you obviously feel MIL is not doing her job when it comes to taking care of your son. I can understand why this would be insulting to her, especially since she has been helping all this time.

In the end, YOU are the mother and if you don''t like the way James is being taken care of, it''s up to you to change it. You can tell her so, pony up the money and pay for child care. OR, if you want your MIL to take care of your son for free, you have to make some allowances and compromises that you feel comfortable with.

Grandparents do indeed enjoy "helping." And that''s what you have to remember - she is helping. She is not hired staff. She is not obligated to do squat. You are living with them to save money and IMHO, that means you need to suck things up a bit or move out and hire help. I don''t say this to be mean, but truly - you are living under THEIR roof - which means playing by their rules (and it sucks to be in that position as adults, doesn''t it?

)

 

[swingirl]

You mean you are living in her house and she was in her own living area and babysitting your son and you want to tell her how loud she can have her TV set?

You may have "asked her to turn down the TV" but sounds like you were more demanding than asking ("I told her she had to turn it down...") because when you ask you may get a yes or a no and have to accept either. If your son is too young to know what quiet means he shouldn't be where he can disturb gramma. It is her home.

Sorry, not much sympathy here. It's what we tell our kids, "If you live in our house, we set the rules, you follow them."

It's unfortunate for all that you are staying with her when you don't get along. A lot of stress for everyone.

 

[decodelighted]

IMHO an attitude adjustment is in order here ... yours. Perhaps one might consider the wisdom of being more than "gracious" about LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE and having a BUILT-IN BABYSITTER. The way she reacted to your "request" was far from productive ... but I think you hit a nerve. Obviously resentment has been building up on all sides here & it would INDEED be best to "get out of there" asap. Hard to see clearly from the inside of a situation, granted. But I am SHOCKED by the seeming entitlement & demand for your DH to *set your MIL straight*. If I were her -- I''d be tempted to boot you all out by sundown.

 

[cellososweet]

Ok, so her response obviously was a little over the top, but I think she felt taken advantage of and threatened when you told her that you were going to take James to the sitters house if she didn''t turn down the TV. I think that''s a little over the top too. She probably felt like you were telling her that she could only be with your son if she followed your rules and while this is true for safety issues (like, don''t smoke around the kid or something like that), I think it came off as manipulative and threatening. Which, given her response, I guess she felt the same way.

Living with parents is difficult (I''m about to embark on this myself), but there has to be a mututal respect and there absolutely cannot be any form of "my way or the highway." I think that you had a bit of this today when you threatened to take away time from grandma because you didn''t like something she was doing. She probably didn''t think that it was a big enough deal to take the child away and frankly, I don''t think it was either.

You definitely need to sit down with her and talk to her. Your husband needs to stay out of this one. This wasn''t between him and her, it was between you and her. It just seems like there is something bigger here if you feel like your husband needs to talk to her. Are we missing something?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Diva, I sympathize with you...I really do. I had a dear friend who was almost in the exact same situation as you--living with the inlaws, MIL caring for her child, difficulties getting along with her MIL...it''s a painful experience for both the DINL and MIL.

Here is my best advice, advice I gave my best friend in the whole world...so it''s as genuine as it gets....

When you''re living with the inlaws, you need to mantain as much control over your life as possible. That extends to your child. Clearly your MIL is trying to be helpful, watching a small child is a lot of work, so for her to willingly do this day after day means she has your best interests at heart...but that doesn''t mean it''s easy. If you have the option to bring your son to a babysitter--do it. Sure, it''s an out of pocket expense, but it will at least give you some sense of control. At the end of the day this is her home and her rules are the ones you need to abide by. That can be such a stessor for an adult woman (you) who has her own family, child, responsibilites--essentially, it makes you a teenager again living with parents instead of being a married mother incharge of her family. Giving up all your freedom can cause a battle of wills, and understandably so. You want things done your way, and you put up resistance over the things you feel you can control--your son, TV volume, and so on...it''s a way to still flex your "motherly muscles" instead of bowing to her. Setting and maintaining a list of boundries will help, I promise. Not being 100% dependant of them will give you back control--you''ll feel better. I know it''s not as simple as "move out"...you probably wouldn''t be living there if you had multiple other choices...so make the best of a hard situation.

As far as the nasty remarks leveled at you and your family...those are knives that cut deep. There is no excuse, and I''m not going to try to justify them--because what she said was wrong, wrong, wrong. But, I will say, you need to confront her. Yes, you live in her home--but verbal abuse wasn''t part of the deal. If you had known, going in, that being verbally cut down was going to be part of your living there--I''m guessing you would have more seriously explored other issues. If you ignore the issue, she''s "won" more or less. By turning her nasty behavior back on her, by confronting the remarks she made will hopefully embarrass her, shame her and make her rethink her approach. She needs to be embarrassed, what she said was embarrassing.

Likewise though, I think you could maybe finesse your approach. Think, rethink, speak. Although you''re not always going to get the reaction you want...you always get more flies with honey than you do with vingar. Sometimes adding a please or thank you changes the game.

((big hugs)) I am so sorry you were confronted with this today...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Sorry you are having issues. I can ONLY imagine the stress living with the ILs could cause. I would need medication. Haha. I agree it would be best to discuss this with your MIL yourself. Do you really want to get your DH in the middle? Someone VERY wise recently told me there are three different types of behavior: Parent, child and adult. Obviously we all aim to act like the adult but we all slip up once in awhile. Neither of you were acting or I should say reacting like an adult. You were acting like her parent and she was reacting like your child. Just clear the air. Maybe she was having a difficult morning. Maybe she wasn''t feeling well. She deserves to explain after all she does seem very generous with her time and resources. If you want to retain a healthy and positive relationship with her just talk it out. I agree moving out probably will improve your relationship with not only your ILs but DH in the long run. Until then just try to think before you react.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

You guys are right - I need to talk to her. But not while I am angry and hurt. This whole living with the IL''s situation has been really hard for me. DH and I are so used to being on our own and doing things *our* way that it''s hard to follow someone else''s rules. Granted, there really aren''t too many rules at the house. MIL has the things she does and we have things that we do. Those boundaries were there from day 1. I think DH does''t totally get it since it''s HIS parents we''re living with. If we lived with mine then I''m sure he''d feel how I am right now.

MIL is not hired help by any means, and we certainly do not expect her to watch him if she doesn''t want to. Shelling out the cash for childcare is not the issue. If she wants DS to go to the sitter on her days off it''s fine with me and she knows that. She is a busy woman and I don''t expect her to stop her life for the sake of caring for my child.

Cello - probably the only missing link here is that DH has a hard time confronting anybody about anything - especially his parents. This had led to arguments between the two of us, but nothing major. I feel like since this has to do with OUR child that he needs to be involved and aware of the situation. Then there are the insults that she hurled at me, and I think he needs to take a stand for his WIFE and let her know how inappropriate that is - espcially when it''s not true. Lord knows I''d never insult her the way she did me.

DH and I are househunting so it will only be a matter of time before we''re out of there. I think that has played a role in this as well. She wants us to continue living there to save more money, but I''m done and she knows it. It was mentioned about a week ago that DH and I were getting pre-approved and meeting with a realtor and I think she''s hurt by this - even though she has no reason to be. Living with the IL''s was never a permanent thing and that was a known fact when we moved in. For fairness sake, DH and I have decided to not share much of our househunting with either set of parents because they each have vastly different ideas as to where we should live, what type of house, etc.

This has turned into a novel and I need to do some more thinking and stewing....

Thanks ladies for the reality check

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/31/2009 3:17:30 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
You guys are right - I need to talk to her. But not while I am angry and hurt. This whole living with the IL''s situation has been really hard for me. DH and I are so used to being on our own and doing things *our* way that it''s hard to follow someone else''s rules. Granted, there really aren''t too many rules at the house. MIL has the things she does and we have things that we do. Those boundaries were there from day 1. I think DH does''t totally get it since it''s HIS parents we''re living with. If we lived with mine then I''m sure he''d feel how I am right now.

MIL is not hired help by any means, and we certainly do not expect her to watch him if she doesn''t want to. Shelling out the cash for childcare is not the issue. If she wants DS to go to the sitter on her days off it''s fine with me and she knows that. She is a busy woman and I don''t expect her to stop her life for the sake of caring for my child.

Cello - probably the only missing link here is that DH has a hard time confronting anybody about anything - especially his parents. This had led to arguments between the two of us, but nothing major. I feel like since this has to do with OUR child that he needs to be involved and aware of the situation. Then there are the insults that she hurled at me, and I think he needs to take a stand for his WIFE and let her know how inappropriate that is - espcially when it''s not true. Lord knows I''d never insult her the way she did me.

DH and I are househunting so it will only be a matter of time before we''re out of there. I think that has played a role in this as well. She wants us to continue living there to save more money, but I''m done and she knows it. It was mentioned about a week ago that DH and I were getting pre-approved and meeting with a realtor and I think she''s hurt by this - even though she has no reason to be. Living with the IL''s was never a permanent thing and that was a known fact when we moved in. For fairness sake, DH and I have decided to not share much of our househunting with either set of parents because they each have vastly different ideas as to where we should live, what type of house, etc.

This has turned into a novel and I need to do some more thinking and stewing....

Thanks ladies for the reality check

Diva, I agree...don''t talk to her while you''re angry. That won''t help at all.

As for the missing link...I always am for the hubby standing up for his wife. But usually, that''s when the in laws are saying stuff behind the wife''s back and being very passive aggressive. In this case, I think it really is between you and MIL because it isn''t about your son. It''s about how you spoke to her, your seeming sense of entitlement and her OTT response to you. Plus your DH is not confrontational, period. I assume you knew this before you married him? If he were only a wuss about you to his parents, that''s one thing, but confrontation is not his style. Hard to change someone.

As for you moving out, how was it "mentioned" that you are getting preapproved? In all fairness, this affects your ILs more than your parents because you are LIVING with them. It would be polite to sit your ILs down, thank them so much for putting a roof over your heads so you could save money and oh isn''t it wonderful that it''s finally time to spend that money on a new home?

 

[kama_s]

Eeks. The comments about your family and such were absolutely uncalled for. However, I am a firm believer that if it's your house, it's your rules. I don't think it would be your place to demand her to lower the TV (I use the word 'demand' because it did not sound like a request). Baby-sitting for you is also an additional perk of living with them - it sounds like you might be taking that for granted. That said, it's definitely not nice to have your child around loud noises for prolonged periods of time, so it would be perfectly acceptable to send him to the sitter.

I do believe there is a buildup of resentment. I am seeing both sides of the argument here, so I dont think either of you were right. Moving out and getting your own space would be fantastic for your relationship with your ILs!

 

[kama_s]

You know, I've been thinking about this topic since I posted my previous comment and the more I think of it, the more it sounds like you might have been slightly out of line (ofcourse, her comments were awful and very below-the-belt but it sounds like they were in response to your behaviour). If my mother-in-law was letting us live with them and baby-sitting for me for free, I would be on my knees thankful. I really feel as though you aren't respecting her and appreciating what she's doing for you guys.

This is how I would have handled it:

"Ah, I knew the TV was on - I could hear it all the way from the bathroom! I don't think the loud noise would be good for James though, so if you'd like to take a day off and relax then I will be more than happy to leave James with the sitter. You need some time on your own without us around all the time!"

I bet her response would be entirely different.

 

[janinegirly]

You''ve got a lot of responses here so I don''t want to pile on!

On one hand I def can sympathise with IL issues, and god knows if I was living with mine, things would not be good!

But even though her comments were out of line (going for the jugular so to speak), it isn''t a level playing field since you are pretty much indebted to her by living there/accepting free childcare (which I''m sure offers peace of mind compared to sitters somewhat, right?). So in light of the big picture, you probably overstepped things by treating her more like hired help. I mean you probably had a point, but should have worded a bit softer and more diplomatically.

I''m sure things will look different once some time has passed and you will both apologize. It''s a tough gig living there and being so dependent, one many of us would not be able to balance!

Hang in there and let us know how it''s going...

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 8/31/2009 3:31:52 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 8/31/2009 3:17:30 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
You guys are right - I need to talk to her. But not while I am angry and hurt. This whole living with the IL''s situation has been really hard for me. DH and I are so used to being on our own and doing things *our* way that it''s hard to follow someone else''s rules. Granted, there really aren''t too many rules at the house. MIL has the things she does and we have things that we do. Those boundaries were there from day 1. I think DH does''t totally get it since it''s HIS parents we''re living with. If we lived with mine then I''m sure he''d feel how I am right now.

MIL is not hired help by any means, and we certainly do not expect her to watch him if she doesn''t want to. Shelling out the cash for childcare is not the issue. If she wants DS to go to the sitter on her days off it''s fine with me and she knows that. She is a busy woman and I don''t expect her to stop her life for the sake of caring for my child.

Cello - probably the only missing link here is that DH has a hard time confronting anybody about anything - especially his parents. This had led to arguments between the two of us, but nothing major. I feel like since this has to do with OUR child that he needs to be involved and aware of the situation. Then there are the insults that she hurled at me, and I think he needs to take a stand for his WIFE and let her know how inappropriate that is - espcially when it''s not true. Lord knows I''d never insult her the way she did me.

DH and I are househunting so it will only be a matter of time before we''re out of there. I think that has played a role in this as well. She wants us to continue living there to save more money, but I''m done and she knows it. It was mentioned about a week ago that DH and I were getting pre-approved and meeting with a realtor and I think she''s hurt by this - even though she has no reason to be. Living with the IL''s was never a permanent thing and that was a known fact when we moved in. For fairness sake, DH and I have decided to not share much of our househunting with either set of parents because they each have vastly different ideas as to where we should live, what type of house, etc.

This has turned into a novel and I need to do some more thinking and stewing....

Thanks ladies for the reality check

Diva, I agree...don''t talk to her while you''re angry. That won''t help at all.

As for the missing link...I always am for the hubby standing up for his wife. But usually, that''s when the in laws are saying stuff behind the wife''s back and being very passive aggressive. In this case, I think it really is between you and MIL because it isn''t about your son. It''s about how you spoke to her, your seeming sense of entitlement and her OTT response to you. Plus your DH is not confrontational, period. I assume you knew this before you married him? If he were only a wuss about you to his parents, that''s one thing, but confrontation is not his style. Hard to change someone.

As for you moving out, how was it ''mentioned'' that you are getting preapproved? In all fairness, this affects your ILs more than your parents because you are LIVING with them. It would be polite to sit your ILs down, thank them so much for putting a roof over your heads so you could save money and oh isn''t it wonderful that it''s finally time to spend that money on a new home?

Tgal - the IL''s are passive agressive with me, but I choose to not respond because there''s no point. DH isn''t going to do anything about it and I don''t care for the fighting so it is what it is. Little digs here and there. I think a lot has to do with the fact that MIL and I are two different people. She lets her husband (FIL) walk all over her, while he doesn''t contribute anything but $$$ to the household and I don''t operate that way. At all.

I''m still stewing and have to go to dreaded physical therapy tonight but for the record - I politely asked MIL to turn the volume down. I didn''t demand it and I wasn''t nasty about it either. I stated that the tv was too loud for James and could she please turn it down. She looked at me like I had three heads

Just so there''s no confusion - it was blaring loud. Had I been standing outside I could have heard it! Maybe she needs to have her hearing checked....

 

[Anastasia]

Date: 8/31/2009 10:18:03 AM
Author:DivaDiamond007

I told her that she had to turn it down or he''d go to the sitter''s house - after all, that what''s she''s there for. Well, that really ticked MIL off.

Apparently I:

''don''t want to and don''t know how to care for my own child''
''don''t take care of my husband or family''
''am exactly like my mother - nasty and manipulative''
''threatened'' her

Ohhhhhkkkaaayyyyy.

Because I *asked* her to turn the tv down.

Since DH and I have lived with his parents (almost 11 months) I have been more than gracious to have help with James - especially since I''ve been laid up with my leg injury. MIL has told me and DH numerous times that she loves having us around and enjoys helping with James. So WTH!? I ask her to turn the frickin tv down and suddenly I''m not a good mother and a bad person.

Needless to say I''m a mess and I''m really hurt by all of this. I''ve always gotten along with my MIL and now I just feel like it was all an act.

I called my husband at work and told him that he really needs to talk to her today and get this figured out. We need to get out of there or it''s going to ruin our marriage.

Diva,

First of all, living with the inlaws has to be tough. I spend weekends with my mil a few times a year, and it is enough to send me off the deep end. I absolutely sympathize with you there.

Her response was definitely over the top, and she can''t be feeling very good about her behavior right now. However, you did "threaten" her in the highlighted lines above. While she was completely out of line with what she said to you, you could have worded things better.

I think that both of your reactions were disproportionate to the situation. This usually means that people have been holding things in for a long time, and the comments have nothing to do with the situation at hand, and everything to do with bottled up feelings. You and she need to work this out. I don''t think this is your husband''s battle. I would expect him to back you up, but I don''t think he should have to bring this up to her.

It sounds like you are working on moving out, and it sounds to me like it is definitely time.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Aw, DivaDiamond.... *clearly* a bad day for everyone involved.

I want to offer you the best of luck in working out a solution that allows everyone to regain their dignity and quickly reduce the tension and drama on both sides as quickly as possible. Some of the earlier posters on this thread provided some really good insights on the other side of the issue and hopefully that will help you figure out how to best handle it. A wise friend once told me that in matters like this (where tensions run high with family members who you generally like), it often makes sense to focus on your long-term end goal and work back from there so that a somewhat petty drama (that if well-handled will fade in memory in a matter of weeks) doesn''t become a source of anger for decades to come.

If I were in your shoes, I''d probably chuckle at myself for finally giving in to the inevitable frustration that comes with living under the in-laws'' roof-- hey, you did it for 11 months, that''s a pretty good run and much longer than most folks would be able to make it work!-- and consider it a "nudge" from the universe to focus on getting your own place ASAP.

 

[HollyS]

Hmmmm.

1) I don''t know why you live with your in-laws. But, you should not. Because,
a) it is HER house
b) it will never be YOUR house
c) you don''t get to dictate squat about anything


2) If you are old enough to be married and have a child,
a) you should be providing a home for your child
b) you should be old enough to know how to ''speak'' to your MIL without it escalating into drama
c) and you shouldn''t need anyone to ''straighten out'' your MIL because you should be able to have that adult conversation with her

I really don''t care WHY you live in her home. But you cannot be in control of your own life, or the life of your child, if you are still in a position to ''need'' parental help.

Yes, she was wrong to have the tv blaring so loudly as to injure your child''s hearing. Absolutely. And unless you ''nanny-cam'' her, you may never know what else she does with your child that she should not.

But this whole mess is a mess of your own making. How you extricate yourselves will be darn tricky. But you really must go.

 

[cellososweet]

Date: 8/31/2009 7:06:39 PM
Author: HollyS
Hmmmm.

1) I don''t know why you live with your in-laws. But, you should not. Because,
a) it is HER house
b) it will never be YOUR house
c) you don''t get to dictate squat about anything


2) If you are old enough to be married and have a child,
a) you should be providing a home for your child
b) you should be old enough to know how to ''speak'' to your MIL without it escalating into drama
c) and you shouldn''t need anyone to ''straighten out'' your MIL because you should be able to have that adult conversation with her

I really don''t care WHY you live in her home. But you cannot be in control of your own life, or the life of your child, if you are still in a position to ''need'' parental help.

Yes, she was wrong to have the tv blaring so loudly as to injure your child''s hearing. Absolutely. And unless you ''nanny-cam'' her, you may never know what else she does with your child that she should not.

But this whole mess is a mess of your own making. How you extricate yourselves will be darn tricky. But you really must go.

I totally find offense in parts of this, especially the highlighted parts. Oh how we all wish that life was that easy. I''m pregnant now and we had everything all planned out. Nursery in our apartment, savings, etc. Then I got sick with pneumonia that took three months to heal. Then I got completely incapacitated with a not-yet-diagnosed illness that has basically ruined my life. This illness has killed our savings, racked up outrageous medical bills (even with insurance), and has kept me out of work for months. This is what happens to people. Good people. With good intentions and well-laid plans. So while it''s nice to say that you should be providing a home for your child, not everything in life runs so smoothly. If we didn''t have my parents, then we''d have to hire a nurse to come and take care of me during the day while DH works and we can''t afford that because, even with health insurance, it''s out of our reach. So what do you suggest that we do Holly? We can provide a home for our child, sure. A home that I will pass out in the kitchen if left by myself while my crying infant is wondering why I''m non-responsive to his needs.

Sorry, I know this thread isn''t about me, but generalizations really rub me the wrong way. Not everything is life is so black and white. I agree that, in a perfect world, a married couple with a child should live alone, but we don''t know the background. I''d hate to be tsk tsk''d on that front if people didn''t know my background.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 9/1/2009 8:54:59 AM
Author: cellososweet

Date: 8/31/2009 7:06:39 PM
Author: HollyS
Hmmmm.

1) I don''t know why you live with your in-laws. But, you should not. Because,
a) it is HER house
b) it will never be YOUR house
c) you don''t get to dictate squat about anything


2) If you are old enough to be married and have a child,
a) you should be providing a home for your child
b) you should be old enough to know how to ''speak'' to your MIL without it escalating into drama
c) and you shouldn''t need anyone to ''straighten out'' your MIL because you should be able to have that adult conversation with her

I really don''t care WHY you live in her home. But you cannot be in control of your own life, or the life of your child, if you are still in a position to ''need'' parental help.

Yes, she was wrong to have the tv blaring so loudly as to injure your child''s hearing. Absolutely. And unless you ''nanny-cam'' her, you may never know what else she does with your child that she should not.

But this whole mess is a mess of your own making. How you extricate yourselves will be darn tricky. But you really must go.

I totally find offense in parts of this, especially the highlighted parts. Oh how we all wish that life was that easy. I''m pregnant now and we had everything all planned out. Nursery in our apartment, savings, etc. Then I got sick with pneumonia that took three months to heal. Then I got completely incapacitated with a not-yet-diagnosed illness that has basically ruined my life. This illness has killed our savings, racked up outrageous medical bills (even with insurance), and has kept me out of work for months. This is what happens to people. Good people. With good intentions and well-laid plans. So while it''s nice to say that you should be providing a home for your child, not everything in life runs so smoothly. If we didn''t have my parents, then we''d have to hire a nurse to come and take care of me during the day while DH works and we can''t afford that because, even with health insurance, it''s out of our reach. So what do you suggest that we do Holly? We can provide a home for our child, sure. A home that I will pass out in the kitchen if left by myself while my crying infant is wondering why I''m non-responsive to his needs.

Sorry, I know this thread isn''t about me, but generalizations really rub me the wrong way. Not everything is life is so black and white. I agree that, in a perfect world, a married couple with a child should live alone, but we don''t know the background. I''d hate to be tsk tsk''d on that front if people didn''t know my background.

+1 to Cello in my own thread

I too am suffering from an ongoing medical condition, and I may be somewhat disabled for the rest of my life. Granted, I am getting the ability to walk and carry my son around, but my leg is weak and the muscles are atrophied. It is HARD and not a lot of fun. I suffer from chronic pain, spasming and cramping and sometimes can''t move my leg, foot or toes at all.

For a bit of background you can see my thread titled "Sacrifices" that I started a year ago - but basically DH and I moved in with his parents to save money for our own house and to save on childcare costs. We''ve done that and we''re househunting right now. It was not an easy decision to make but it was the best decision at the time. DH and I made the decision to live with his parents because it was the best thing to do for our son. Our son is the #1 priority in our lives, and nothing will ever change that, not even a good MIL gone bad

HollyS I''m glad that you seem to have an idealized idea about what makes the world go ''round, but I really hope that you are never in a position of need. You certainly won''t be getting any sympathy from me

I, of course, don''t know your background so maybe you''re sore at the fact that you don''t have the support of family/friends, and if that''s that case I am sorry. Life isn''t always a bowl of cherries my dear and hopefully that''s something you''ll learn over time. There''s no shame in reaching for help when you need it.

Anyways, things are starting to smooth over at home. MIL and I have chatted, DH and I have talked and we''re still moving forward with our househunting plans. We need to get out of there before I totally lose my sanity

Making it more than 11 months was a good run, and it did us some good, but the time has come for us to move out.

As for this thread, I thank you ladies for your tough love and a third-party view at the situation. I love PS!

Over and out

 

[TravelingGal]

Diva, glad to hear you chatted it out. Good for you and I am sure your MIL respects you as well. Now get on with the househuntin!!!

 

[janinegirly]

I''m glad to hear you guys talked too and that things are a bit better. I do remember you going through the agonizing decision to move in with the IL''s in order to save $ and if I remember correctly they offered. I think a lot of us understand the benefits of leaning on family when the time calls for it (if they are willing), but at the same time it''s a tough thing to balance as it can lead to power struggles. I think I''d do it (move in in time of need) with my own family but could never handle the IL''s so the fact that you lasted 11 mo''s is pretty good!

But seems like now the negatives are outweighing the benefits (and maybe the welcome has been worn out), so let''s hope you find a house soon! Any chance you''d rent in the meantime? Since the whole house purchase process can drag out too..

Good luck with it all, you have a lot on your plate!!

 

[HollyS]

"I totally find offense in parts of this, especially the highlighted parts."

Cello, since this isn''t about YOU, you don''t have the right to be offended. She can and did speak for herself. Your ''affront'' wasn''t neccessary, but it made for dramatic posting, didn''t it?

 

[HollyS]

"HollyS I''m glad that you seem to have an idealized idea about what makes the world go ''round, but I really hope that you are never in a position of need."

Saving for a house did not put you in a position of ''need''. It was a choice you made based upon goals, not needs. There is a difference.

Everyone has issues. No one''s life is perfect, free of conflict, without family drama. But the choices we make dictate the positions we find ourselves in. Whether living with your in-laws is the ''right'' choice for you, based upon your criteria, you are now experiencing the issues that come with that decision.

I don''t have an idealized version of life. I have a realistic view of life. You cannot expect things to work out smoothly, every day, for as long as you choose to live there. If you do, that is an idealized life view.

Now, that being said, I am glad that the air has been cleared between you and your MIL.

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 9/2/2009 7:53:26 PM
Author: HollyS
''I totally find offense in parts of this, especially the highlighted parts.''

Cello, since this isn''t about YOU, you don''t have the right to be offended. She can and did speak for herself. Your ''affront'' wasn''t neccessary, but it made for dramatic posting, didn''t it?

... This post really isn''t necessary.

Cello is obviously going through a very hard time, try and show a little compassion.

 

[cara]

Diva, I'm glad you and your MIL have had a bout of fresh air, it was probably too much time cooped up in the same space.

HollyS, sorry but you don't get to mandate that only the OP is allowed to be offended by your posts. You post them on a public forum, other people read them, they can be offended. I also found them offensive.

If two people are old enough to be married and have a child, their obligation is to do right by that child as best they can. Sometimes that means renting forever, sometimes that means moving in with the grandparents temporarily while saving for a house, sometimes that means leaving said child entirely in the custody of the grandparents and leaving the state or country to find better work opportunities. Depends on the circumstances.

Lecturing Diva about how she's failed as a parent to provide a home for her child or that her medical condition+financial strains left her in a position of choice rather than need isn't really helpful or entirely consistent. Certainly she chose to move in with her MIL as the best option in her situation, and there are consequences to that choice, which she is now experiencing. But that doesn't mean she made the wrong choice then, or that your list of what a parent 'should' provide is really what she should be concerned with.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/2/2009 10:32:26 PM
Author: cara
Diva, I''m glad you and your MIL have had a bout of fresh air, it was probably too much time cooped up in the same space.

HollyS, sorry but you don''t get to mandate that only the OP is allowed to be offended by your posts. You post them on a public forum, other people read them, they can be offended. I also found them offensive.

If two people are old enough to be married and have a child, their obligation is to do right by that child as best they can. Sometimes that means renting forever, sometimes that means moving in with the grandparents temporarily while saving for a house, sometimes that means leaving said child entirely in the custody of the grandparents and leaving the state or country to find better work opportunities. Depends on the circumstances.

Lecturing Diva about how she''s failed as a parent to provide a home for her child or that her medical condition+financial strains left her in a position of choice rather than need isn''t really helpful or entirely consistent. Certainly she chose to move in with her MIL as the best option in her situation, and there are consequences to that choice, which she is now experiencing. But that doesn''t mean she made the wrong choice then, or that your list of what a parent ''should'' provide is really what she should be concerned with.

Cara and Dannielle +1.

 

[cellososweet]

Diva, I''m glad things seem to have blown over. Sorry if I created "drama" in your post. That wasn''t my point, which I''m glad that other people got. It''s just weird that we have similar situations. I didn''t even know. I just bought it up as a "what if" and it ended up being spot on. I''m sorry that you''ve had health issues. Life is such a strange thing. I know how utterly demoralizing it is to have your life flipped upside down. I haven''t read your backstory, but I will say that I''m sorry you''ve had such a hard time.