Trying not to sound greedy ;)

[SassyB]

I really hope this doesn''t come across greedy as that is not my point. However I am very surprised by the lack of presents we received. Almost 1/2 of our guests did not give gifts. Mostly the people our age. We are 33 and 38 so that doesn''t seem like a good excuse for "being young and not knowing". In my 33 years I have been to a LOT of weddings and been in most of them. ha! I have given so many wedding gifts.

Never would I say that to the non-gift-givers just to be clear

This is really not a bid deal to me - as we didn''t really need much. All things we registered for were upgrades.
What have your experiences with this been?

 

[tlh]

Guests have a year to give gifts... and a few gifts trickled in after our I Do''s.

I must say I too was surprised at the number of guests at our wedding who didn''t not give gifts, a card, or even say congratulations to me and my husband. Seriously, they skipped out on our table greeting and went to the bar... so I never even met some of these guests or my DH''s extended family. My DH was quite embarrassed by his side of the family''s behavior, more than the non-gift. I felt slighted that they left while we were doing our rounds, but made a point to seek them out later and introduce myself.

But, I do understand your point. It isn''t like you expect a huge gift, but it is surprising when people you didn''t expect to... show up empty handed.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Most of our guest brought gifts, but I was a little surprised at who it was that didn''t.

For example: the MIL''s only sister, a very good friend who lived right in town, etc.
It was just surprising that they didn''t even bring a card since these were people who were so excited to come to the wedding and didn''t incur any real costs since they lived locally.

 

[somethingshiny]

Of the weddings that I''ve been to, there seems to be less gifts given to "older" couples. People who''ve been out on their own for several years, established in their careers, etc. just don''t seem to get as much loot. Maybe it''s because your guests assume you have everything. My brother (who got married at 28 and his wife was 35) wouldn''t even accept gifts because they viewed gift giving as a form of charity! I had to twist arms to give her a baby shower.

And, I''ll add, that I have been to weddings and not brought gifts. (not to suggest that you did this but) When their registries are filled with $100+ items, I simply can''t do it. I''ve only done that with people who wouldn''t have graciously accepted a gift that had not come from their registry. Obviously these aren''t my friends but rather family members who are up quite high on their horses.

 

[kama_s]

We had 3 non-gifters, two of them were men and of the clueless variety. So I really didnt mind much, but it''s still strange to attend a wedding without as much as a card! The last one I was a bit upset about, but this was probably the last straw for me. She''s a constant user and abuser. Needless to say, I''ve been keeping my distance from her.

I was more surprised at some of the gifts we got from my husband''s uncles. They''re all very well-to-do - for instance, when we go out to dinner they will easily spend 100$+ on their own alcohol. So it was a bit of a slight when they came with a 10-20$ gift!! I''d rather they not have brought anything, because the gift obviously seems like such an obligation. We had a really small wedding, we only invited people we were very close with, and considering we spent over 200$ a person (plus the brunch the next day)...it was a tad bit insulting.

That said, I really didnt care much about them. I mentioned it once to my husband, we shrugged our shoulders and life went on

The majority of our guests were really generous gifters, to the point where I felt overwhelmed and guilty.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Oh, the best was this:
Not only did one of my fiance's cousins come without being invited (her dad couldn't make it, so her mom just brought her instead despite the fact that it didn't say +1, it had their names specifically on it since we did NOT invite cousins), neither she nor her mom brought so much as a card, AND she had the nerve to say to me "god, what IS that sauce? It's horrible" when the Peking duck was served. The woman is in her 30's, she should know better!

Granted, some of the chinese food was probably very new to some of our American guests and might not have been to their liking, but still, how rude! I'm treating you to a 10 course meal, open bar, and a party despite the fact you weren't invited, the least you could do is be polite!

She did however rave about the sesame chicken, haha.

 

[Elmorton]

Out of a 125 guest wedding, we had about 20 non-gift/card/anything givers.

Some were really surprising, like older couples who were longtime family friends...I was very confused by that. Others were college friends of DH''s and it wasn''t altogether shocking at all, nor were we especially concerned.

 

[mayachel]

As a BWW who is just poking her nose in over here at the newlywed board, I have to say I am really surprised to hear how many of you have experienced this. And not just one or two guests! Purely, because I just can''t imagine going to a wedding empty handed.

The one time we have not received a thank you card, was early in our relationship and I was still letting df handle gifts for *his* weddings. He was hanging on to the "we have a year to send a gift* idea. We did eventually send a gift, something from an art fair we knew we''d be attending post wedding, (maybe a month or two?) to this day, we''ve never heard a peep about the gift. This particular bride seemed to be the incarnation of southern charm and manners, so this adds to our confusion as to why we didn''t receive a card, but I also worry that she sat down to write her cards, and wondered what sort of freeloaders we were to not send a gift!

 

[Patchee]

Funny this thread popped up at this moment as I was just finishing up my thank you''s to send out.

I am STILL (almost 2 months later) mad that my friend of 10 YEARS and my closest AUNT did not even slip a card ... an empty card if that into the gift box!!

I have never been to a wedding where I did not bring a car with cash in it ... never!

Everyone else of 65 people put something in the box!

So, my question is, do I send them a thank you? A thank you for what? Them costing me $$$ for them attending my wedding?

What is ewveryone else doing in way of thank you? Or, what have you done?

 

[cammy85]

I had one attendee that in her card said the gift is in the mail, and nearly 6 months later, it hasn't shown up yet. *Mysterious*

Aside from that, I wrote thank yous to those who gave gifts. While thank yous for just attending the wedding are a nice gesture, I wouldn't have done them unless someone went really out of their way to travel - I would have considered that my gift that they attended. Be careful thanking people just for coming too, even the best-intentioned thank-you could potentially come off as "thank you for coming but not giving a gift. Just letting you know it was noticed." Again, that totally depends on the recipient of the thank you.


ETA - you invite people to a wedding already knowing what the cost to have them there is - you shouldn't anticipate guests giving gifts or covering the cost of their plate. It's a party, not a fundraiser. I am just thrilled so many people wanted to celebrate our big day with us, gift or not. And gifts are optional, even if it's unusual not to give one in most social circles. If you don't want to pay for your friends to attend your wedding and are upset that they cost you money, maybe they shouldn't have been invited in the first place?

 

[kama_s]

I''m am only sending thank-yous for the gifts we received. I find it a tad bit strange to solely thank people for coming to our wedding - it makes it sound like it was an obligation. I''d like to think our guests were there because they themselves wanted to share in our day with us. We did, however, thank our guests at the wedding several times for celebrating with us.

Besides, the way I look at it, if you''re hosting a big dinner party, would you send thank you cards to people for coming to your dinner party? No, right? But you would write a thank-you if someone brought you a hostess gift. A wedding, is, essentially, a big party.

 

[tlh]

Date: 9/2/2009 10:26:44 AM
Author: Patchee
Funny this thread popped up at this moment as I was just finishing up my thank you's to send out.

I am STILL (almost 2 months later) mad that my friend of 10 YEARS and my closest AUNT did not even slip a card ... an empty card if that into the gift box!!

I have never been to a wedding where I did not bring a car with cash in it ... never!

Everyone else of 65 people put something in the box!

So, my question is, do I send them a thank you? A thank you for what? Them costing me $$$ for them attending my wedding?

What is ewveryone else doing in way of thank you? Or, what have you done?

Yes, I mailed everyone who attended a thank you. If they didn't give me a card/gift/ etc. I just wrote "Thank you so much for sharing in our special day. It really meant a lot to me and my husband that you were able to come...." and then my DH wrote a little note along the same lines.
Who knows... that might have been why we received a few gifts after our I dos. I just figured it was still nice that they attended... even empty handed. It was a very special day, and I was glad for anyone that wanted to share in our joy... who know's, they may have had a financial situation that we didn't know about, and maybe the free meal/entertainment was a break from that?

ETA: over 90% of our guests travelled to make it to our wedding.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 9/2/2009 10:26:44 AM
Author: Patchee
Them costing me $$$ for them attending my wedding?

How about them sharing in your special day which is what it''s really about anyway? Or you don''t need to send a thank you at all. But remember that a gift should never be expected-so you shouldn''t invite people to a function with the expectation that they will pay their way with a gift. You should invite them because you want them to share the moment with you.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 9/2/2009 11:46:07 AM
Author: neatfreak


How about them sharing in your special day which is what it''s really about anyway? Or you don''t need to send a thank you at all. But remember that a gift should never be expected-so you shouldn''t invite people to a function with the expectation that they will pay their way with a gift. You should invite them because you want them to share the moment with you.

Hmm...should I be sending thank-yous to everyone then? I just equated a wedding reception to a dinner party I hosted (as mentioned above), but I guess I''m wrong in my thinking?

 

[cammy85]

Date: 9/2/2009 11:52:02 AM
Author: kama_s

Date: 9/2/2009 11:46:07 AM
Author: neatfreak


How about them sharing in your special day which is what it''s really about anyway? Or you don''t need to send a thank you at all. But remember that a gift should never be expected-so you shouldn''t invite people to a function with the expectation that they will pay their way with a gift. You should invite them because you want them to share the moment with you.

Hmm...should I be sending thank-yous to everyone then? I just equated a wedding reception to a dinner party I hosted (as mentioned above), but I guess I''m wrong in my thinking?

Neat mentioned a thank you isn''t necessary for people coming to share the wedding day with the bride and groom but also saying that if you''re going to write thank yous, it''d be for sharing in such a memorable day - not costing the bride and groom money.

Forgive me if I misread, Neat.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 9/2/2009 11:52:02 AM
Author: kama_s

Date: 9/2/2009 11:46:07 AM

Author: neatfreak



How about them sharing in your special day which is what it''s really about anyway? Or you don''t need to send a thank you at all. But remember that a gift should never be expected-so you shouldn''t invite people to a function with the expectation that they will pay their way with a gift. You should invite them because you want them to share the moment with you.

Hmm...should I be sending thank-yous to everyone then? I just equated a wedding reception to a dinner party I hosted (as mentioned above), but I guess I''m wrong in my thinking?

No-I don''t think so. Patchee asked what she should be saying to the guests who didn''t bring gifts. So i was giving her an option. But as I said above I don''t think you need to send a TY to everyone if you don''t want to.

We did-but that is because we had a very small wedding and everyone travelled to be there. So we thought it was appropriate.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 9/2/2009 11:56:38 AM
Author: neatfreak


No-I don't think so. Patchee asked what she should be saying to the guests who didn't bring gifts. So i was giving her an option. But as I said above I don't think you need to send a TY to everyone if you don't want to.

We did-but that is because we had a very small wedding and everyone travelled to be there. So we thought it was appropriate.

I was contemplating sending the TY to everyone or not, and the best analogy I came up with was the dinner party one. But I'm now thinking it might be best to send it to everyone. I wonder if there is a general etiquette rule on this?

ETA: Thanks for your input, NF. It's a tad bit difficult to know all the etiquette behind weddings, since I've barely been to a handul prior to my own. I knew absolutely nothing about a North American wedding when I first started planning mine!

 

[iheartscience]

I know the feeling and you don''t sound greedy at all. Several people surprised me by not giving gifts at all-not even a card. And these are people that should know better. For example, one of my husband''s very good friends who is in his forties didn''t give us a thing! That one was pretty shocking, actually...

But I was even more surprised by some of the crazy good gifts and generous checks we got, so I can''t complain too much!

But yeah-it''s a little insulting to not even receive a card from people you''re supposedly close to. And I don''t care if it''s rude of me to think that!

 

[D&T]

DH and I never thought about gifts, but we were so grateful to those that came and just enjoyed our special day. We''re one of those that we don''t like to or feel awkward "accepting" things from others, and it was just a surprise and treat that those who did give us gifts could do so.

 

[noelwr]

we specifically asked that no one give us gifts as we also feel awkward accepting (I won''t explain why because it sounds really snobby). however, I do agree that your closet friends & family should at least mail you a card.

 

[honey22]

I know you shouldn''t expect gifts, and I understand where your post is coming from. As a guest, I would never dream of attending a wedding without bringing a gift, I just couldn''t even fathom it. But then again, I wouldn''t think twice if I had a guest attend my own wedding and not bring a gift. I certainly wouldn''t be bothered.

I do find it a little rude though, you would think they would have the manners to write you both a little note in a card. They did after all, spend a few hours eating and drinking!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I think there were a few different guests who didn''t bring anything, but I only noticed when it was somebody close. I was really looking forward to reading a card from one specific guest, because we''ve known each other for years and he has a great sense of humor, so I was kind of sad to find he didn''t give us a card (or gift).

 

[musey]

About 1/3 of our guests did not give gifts, or a card (I count cards as gifts). Of course I would never have noticed if I weren't keeping a spreadsheet to make sure everyone got thanked for the specific thing they sent.

I was surprised because I don't think I personally would ever attend such an event without at least a card in hand, but everyone is different! It didn't bother me, it walked that fine line between "I didn't necessarily expect a gift" and "hmm, how odd!"

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Date: 9/2/2009 12:06:32 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 9/2/2009 11:56:38 AM
Author: neatfreak


No-I don''t think so. Patchee asked what she should be saying to the guests who didn''t bring gifts. So i was giving her an option. But as I said above I don''t think you need to send a TY to everyone if you don''t want to.

We did-but that is because we had a very small wedding and everyone travelled to be there. So we thought it was appropriate.

I was contemplating sending the TY to everyone or not, and the best analogy I came up with was the dinner party one. But I''m now thinking it might be best to send it to everyone. I wonder if there is a general etiquette rule on this?

ETA: Thanks for your input, NF. It''s a tad bit difficult to know all the etiquette behind weddings, since I''ve barely been to a handul prior to my own. I knew absolutely nothing about a North American wedding when I first started planning mine!

Etiquette does not state that a host should thank a guest for attending - the host provided hospitality and entertainment. A guest should thank the host for the wonderful time they had. Traditionally, the guest would send a note to the host the following day.

A thank you note should be sent for every gift that was not personally given and opened with the giver. If the giver was present, then they should be thanked in person immediately. Some etiquette mavens say a thank you note should be sent in the second case anyway, but I think that is overkill.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

Date: 9/2/2009 11:42:45 AM
Author: kama_s
I''m am only sending thank-yous for the gifts we received. I find it a tad bit strange to solely thank people for coming to our wedding - it makes it sound like it was an obligation. I''d like to think our guests were there because they themselves wanted to share in our day with us. We did, however, thank our guests at the wedding several times for celebrating with us.


Besides, the way I look at it, if you''re hosting a big dinner party, would you send thank you cards to people for coming to your dinner party? No, right? But you would write a thank-you if someone brought you a hostess gift. A wedding, is, essentially, a big party.

I was struggling with whether or not to send a thank you to non-gift givers....this helps alot - thank you.
I was pretty surprised by WHO didnt give gifts. ALL the people who traveled gave gifts, it was our closer friends who live IN TOWN who didnt. Not a card, or anything. Weird.

One happened to be the best man. Is it customary for them to give a gift or is their job as best man enough? My maid of honor did give one. I was just curious on that one.

 

[Maria D]

Wow, I am incredibly surprised by the experiences of people who posted here! I cannot imagine attending a wedding and not giving a GIFT. Not a card, but a gift -- be it cash or stuff, registry stuff or not. It woudn''t matter if the couple were young or old, married before or not. I would be more generous with a first wedding of young people that I feel close to than I would an older couple that didn''t need anything. But even in the latter case, I would give a gift, even if it''s just a "token" gift. The reason I''m so surprised is that I thought nearly everyone was like this! Sure, I would have believed that on occasion there would be guests who intended on getting a gift within the first year and then forgot but I''m shocked that so many of you had MANY guests that never gave a gift!

As for registries, I''ve always felt they were for suggestions only or if you wanted to buy part of something that you couldn''t afford in whole. Like, you aren''t intending on getting the couple the whole set of china they want but wish to give a place setting and obviously you aren''t going to pick a random place setting. I''ve never felt that I had to buy off a registry so I wouldn''t feel slighted if the only items chosen (or left) were more $$ than I wished to spend.

For our own wedding 20 years ago my husband and I did not register. Some of our guests were incredibly generous (as in I was flabbergasted that they gave us as much as they did!), most were appropriate for their financial status and relationship to us. But EVERYONE brought a gift -- even my single, poor, transient college buddies. I still have the simple glass platter that my freshman college roomie gave me! When I take it out I think of her and our day and it makes me happy.

Is this "wedding gift optional" thing a new trend? I think it''s a sad one.

 

[jstarfireb]

I had this experience as well. At least one friend didn''t bring or send a card or gift. I understand that gifts are optional, but I wouldn''t dream of going to someone''s wedding without a gift, let alone a card! Even if I don''t go to the wedding, I send a small gift. My husband was more disturbed by this than I was; in his culture (Chinese-American) it is common to give $100 per person ($200 per couple or family) as a wedding gift. He was especially shocked to see that one of my family''s closest friends gave only $150 from their entire family - both parents and 2 of the 3 adult daughters attended, but all signed the card, so it was really $150 split between 5 adults. I''m of the mind that a gift should be accepted without question, so the amount didn''t bother me that much, but it really riled him up!

 

[Black Jade]

That''s pretty bad.
I don''t see coming to a wedding without a gift. Well--maybe you could come to the wedding ceremony. But the thing is, there''s the catered dinner. It sounds tacky to say this, but they invite you, they are paying for expensive food (and bar) and this is a young couple trying to set up. You give SOMETHING. If the things on the registry are too pricey for you to buy, you either chip in and two guests buy a gift together, or you give cash (always welcome).
Otherwise it''s like you just came and free-loaded a meal.
That''s what I think, anyway.

 

[Black Jade]

I don''t think the best man is supposed to give a gift, nor the maid of honor. In fact, the way I understood it, you as the bride and groom give the bridal party thank you gifts and don''t expect things from them as they have a) given up time b) bought/rented clothes that they most probably won''t use again and c)bridesmaids usually give a shower and usually even give shower gifts at the shower.
I did get gifts from some of my bridesmaids which was nice of them, but agian, not expected.
There are also special situations. where somebody who is not well off made a crazy long trip that was expensive. But they should at least give a card.
The only way I don''t give a gift is when someone who doesn''t know me well invites me and my husband to their wedding and I have the feeling that it''s to get a gift. (They usually send signals to this effect). In that case, I politely decline to attend the wedding, also.
I once went to a bridal shower where the bride (my niece) was demanding over the top gifts for the SHOWER. I just gave a normal gift (something like a hand-mixer--guests were giving her gifts like a leather coat (just one, for her, not her husband) and a big screen tv. Me and my husband gave a few hundred$$$ for the wedding. I forget exactly how many. She was in general a very demanding girl and not shy about it, but she WAS my niece.
she was divorced within the year--she was demanding to her husband, too and plus, cheated on him.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 9/2/2009 10:26:44 AM
Author: Patchee
Funny this thread popped up at this moment as I was just finishing up my thank you''s to send out.

I am STILL (almost 2 months later) mad that my friend of 10 YEARS and my closest AUNT did not even slip a card ... an empty card if that into the gift box!!

I have never been to a wedding where I did not bring a car with cash in it ... never!

Everyone else of 65 people put something in the box!

So, my question is, do I send them a thank you? A thank you for what? Them costing me $$$ for them attending my wedding?

What is ewveryone else doing in way of thank you? Or, what have you done?

ask them...where is our gift?