Trust what your partner says or your gut? (very long)

[fieryred33143]

I''m really embarrassed to write this and have been debating for weeks over whether I should seek out advice or not. But the one thing I enjoy the most about PS is that there are a lot of really insightful people here that give good comments/advice.

When I met my fiance I was much, much thinner. At the time I had joined a weight loss group, had a roommate that cooked low fat meals, and I spent my days working 3 jobs, going to school, and partying so I was always moving.

After I graduated undergrad and got a desk job, I started packing on the pounds again but so did FI. Over the years I would flip flop-lose some, gain some as did FI. However, he always made me feel beautiful and desired.

When I got pregnant, I was at the heaviest I had ever been in my life and unfortunately I added on 45lbs to that number.

At 20 weeks (in Feb.) sex stopped. He claimed it was due to their being a 3rd person now and it made him feel weird. I had read that this happens to a lot of men so I didn''t think much at the time. However,throughout the remainder of my pregnancy I was very emotional over it. I didn''t want sex because I wasn''t in the mood but I needed to feel wanted in order to boost my ego and help my insecurity but I never got that from him.

After DD was born we had to wait for our 6 week appt to get intimate again. It has now been 5 weeks since and still nothing. He has had 2 excuses:

1. Feeling strange since DD slept in our room. She has not been in our room for going on 3 weeks.
2. Afraid I''ll get pregnant again. This is total bs and I called him out on it. We spent 6.5 yrs using condoms as protection and never had an oops or scare. I got pregnant because we decided to not use protection one evening and, well...it really can take just one time.

My gut tells me that the reason why he''s being so standoffish is because he isn''t attracted to me anymore

The thing is that I get it. I understand that people are entitled to be attracted to a certain type of person and I also understand that in a relationship, both partners should try to maintain themselves in the way that they did at the beginning. I''m not making excuses for myself. I''m really trying to get myself together but its hard. I didn''t just gain weight, I gained inches and my body has completely transformed. I don''t know how to fix it but I''m working hard. I''ve joined weight watchers and renewed my gym membership at work, got a PT, and am doing some at home workout dvds.

However, as I''m working on getting myself back, I''m growing more and more resentful. I keep thinking that if I do lose the weight and all of a sudden our intimacy reappears, will I really be happy or will I feel as sad as I do now or maybe even worse?

He tells me I''m being ridiculous and sticks to his two excuses above but I just don''t buy it.

I guess I''m just looking for opinions and also looking for words of wisdom on how not to grow resentful about the whole situation. Do you think I have a valid reason or maybe its just post partum insecurities? I''ve tried talking to him about it but he just says that things will get better in time. I don''t even know what that means.

Also please know this isn''t about sex. This is really about the lack of intimacy and closeness that we once had that is now gone. We barely even hug each other or hold hands like we used to

 

[Haven]

fiery, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not comfortable sharing details, but I know exactly how it feels when your partner is not interested in being intimate and thus you start to question yourself and whether or not you are attractive, loved, etc. The best advice I can give you is to be really open and honest with him about how you feel about this, and to do so in a non-threatening way. ("I feel like . . . " instead of "You make me feel . . . ") The best outcome would be to let him know how you're feeling, and to give him concrete examples of things he can do to help you feel better about it. (e.g. Hand-holding, etc.)

I know it has nothing to do with the sex. It has to do with feeling like a connected partner, like a woman, and like you're valued and wanted by the person you love the most. I totally get it.

ETA: I want to add that the last thing you should do is feel like you need to look a certain way in order to get this affection back from your partner. If you try to change your body just for that reason, the changes won't come, and if they do, they won't last.

Good luck, sweetie. I hope you can resolve this soon, I know how lonely it can feel.

 

[Laila619]

Aww, first of all, hugs! Second, having a baby together is a huge life-changing thing. I suspect it's just new territory for him and maybe he's feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the changes. I have aslo heard that some men really get freaked out after witnessing all the gory details of their wives giving birth. I suspect he just needs a bit of time to adjust to the idea of you as mommy now. Plus you are probably both sleep-deprived with a newborn and that probably makes things harder. Just keep being sweet and affectionate with him, and he will return the favor.

 

[Pandora II]

Aww honey, huge hugs to you.

On the DTD side, my DH told me as soon as I got a bump that he was not attracted to the pregnant female body in a sexual way and that he would feel uncomfortable - fortunately I was in the % of women who go completely off the idea anyway so I was really quite relieved. Since D was born we have had a go precisely once and it''s not something I plan to repeat for some time - my stitches aren''t anywhere near fixed yet. DH is totally understanding thank goodness so I''m not under any pressure.

However at no time has he stinted on the hugs and cuddles, so I have never felt unwanted or like there was an awkward distance or anything.

If your FI is withdrawing the non-sexual affection, combined with what you mentioned in the Mommies thread about his failure to participate fully in looking after Sophia or recognising your need for some help... well, it strikes me that he is deciding to be in denial about growing up, having a child and having responsibilities.

Also the way your MIL behaves with him - wanting him to go out for lunch with her while you were in labour etc strikes me that he''s been a bit mollycoddled and that she has given him very oldfashioned views on male/female roles?

I''m guessing that none of his close friends have kids? He may well not even realise what he is doing, but by subconciously pushing you away and avoiding looking after Sophia he is trying to regain his former single self.

I REALLY don''t think that this reflects on you, your physical appearance or anything of that sort - it''s to do with his lack of maturity at the moment.

I''ve seen this with my DH''s older brother who despite being married for nearly 2 years now is still behaving like a bachelor: his wife has had malignant melanoma and is in remission and yet he takes her on holiday with 10 of his friends to the Red Sea where he proceeds to book to go diving for 6 whole days out of the 7 days they are there. She can''t go in the sun or go diving and so was left on her own for the whole holiday. He also goes onn two holidays a year with the boys (weeks not weekends) leaving her at home. She''s from the US and moved her for him and so doesn''t have a big support network when he''s away. Their marriage is a bit rocky right now - he wants a baby and she won''t have one until he realises that he needs to grow up. After all, doesn''t mean that fun stops - it''s just different kind of fun.

How to resolve is the question... maybe some counselling? I totally disagree with Laila that you should just be sweet and affectionate with him... he needs to step up and soon.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 9/17/2009 1:19:14 AM
Author: Haven
fiery, I''m sorry you''re going through this. I''m not comfortable sharing details, but I know exactly how it feels when your partner is not interested in being intimate and thus you start to question yourself and whether or not you are attractive, loved, etc. The best advice I can give you is to be really open and honest with him about how you feel about this, and to do so in a non-threatening way. (''I feel like . . . '' instead of ''You make me feel . . . '') The best outcome would be to let him know how you''re feeling, and to give him concrete examples of things he can do to help you feel better about it. (e.g. Hand-holding, etc.)

I know it has nothing to do with the sex. It has to do with feeling like a connected partner, like a woman, and like you''re valued and wanted by the person you love the most. I totally get it.

ETA: I want to add that the last thing you should do is feel like you need to look a certain way in order to get this affection back from your partner. If you try to change your body just for that reason, the changes won''t come, and if they do, they won''t last.

Good luck, sweetie. I hope you can resolve this soon, I know how lonely it can feel.

+1 to everything Haven said. I also would rather not share too many details but I know exactly how it feels to not understand why the person you love the most isn''t interested in being intimate. I remember how I felt - alone, unattractive, and like I wasn''t loved as much anymore. And I totally get what you mean when you say it''s not about the sex. You want to feel connected.

The only thing that made it better was a very specific very open conversation. The issue did have reasons behind it, and when we talked about it openly I understood the reasons and he understood my feelings. Things got much better.

I think you need to sit down with your FI and have a really open conversation. Explain to him that it''s not just about the sex - it''s the hugging and hand-holding and other expressions of intimacy and love. If his reasons were actually the reasons for the lack of sex (your daughter being in the room, or being afraid of you getting pregnant again), then the hugging and hand-holding wouldn''t have stopped. There must be something else behind all of this, and I think the only way it will improve is through open communication.

Good luck - I really do know how hurtful this can be and I really hope it gets better for you soon.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 9/17/2009 8:01:52 AM
Author: Pandora II

If your FI is withdrawing the non-sexual affection, combined with what you mentioned in the Mommies thread about his failure to participate fully in looking after Sophia or recognising your need for some help... well, it strikes me that he is deciding to be in denial about growing up, having a child and having responsibilities.

Also the way your MIL behaves with him - wanting him to go out for lunch with her while you were in labour etc strikes me that he''s been a bit mollycoddled and that she has given him very oldfashioned views on male/female roles?

I''m guessing that none of his close friends have kids? He may well not even realise what he is doing, but by subconciously pushing you away and avoiding looking after Sophia he is trying to regain his former single self.

I REALLY don''t think that this reflects on you, your physical appearance or anything of that sort - it''s to do with his lack of maturity at the moment.

Honestly, this is my first instinct too, and here is why...

I know what it is like to have a completely changed body when you have baby. I too was thinner when DH and I met. I had gained about 20lbs from my dating weight when I got preggo (and I am curvy even at my healthiest weight) and gained a whopping 60lbs when pregnant. About 30lbs of that was water weight but I have had to struggle for the last 7 months to slowly take of the other 30lbs (almost there!). And throughout it all, even when I was *very* large post partum, DH still found me attractive and wanted to be intimate.

I don''t say that to gloat, but rather to point out that I was a curvy, larger woman to begin with, and only turned into a curvier larger woman with the extra weight. DH happens to be the type of man who likes that, bless him, and so it didn''t really change things. I don''t know how thin you were when you met your FI, but I have seen photos of you before you got pregnant and you were a gorgeous curvy woman! I understand wanting to lose weight for health and to feel a little better about yourself -- I am there now too -- but given how attractive you are it is hard for me to believe that your FI is seriously unattracted to you because of your weight. Was he physically attracted to you right before you got pregnant? If he liked you at that size then I imagine some extra pounds wouldn''t matter that much, especially when they are gained all over and you still have nice overall shape.

That is just my first instinct about all this. But I also don''t buy his reasons cited above. I suspect it is possible that there are *other* reasons related to the pregnancy, like witnessing the birth made him see you in a non-sexual way and it takes time for that to change back

But there is NO excuse for the lack of closeness in other ways, nothing except immaturity or fear on his part. So that''s why I suspect that it is what Pandora suggested. It is about HIM, not about you.

I think watching what you eat and working out within reason are good goals for you right now, because I know how it feels to be just too darn big

. But do it within reason, you don''t want to sacrifice your milk supply because that will help you lose weight over the long hail too, and your DD needs it obviously. And do it for YOU. Not for him. I think that doing it for him will lead to resentment, I know it would for me -- Prior to my DH, I was with a man who demanded that I lose weight so he would find me attractive and it is the worst thing ever for your self-esteem and you relationship. I did lose weight, but the issue eventually broke us up, among other things.

But do talk to him about the other types of intimacy. It isn''t fair to you and won''t do your relationship one bit of good.

 

[Mrs]

Fiery, I''m so sorry you are going through this! First time parenthood is so stressful but it should be a time of joy despite that and this is clearly getting in the way of that. You have so many other things on your plate now too. I don''t know what to say to help you work through this but I want you to know that you are a beautiful woman and a wonderful mother and I hope that your FI realizes that soon! Hugs!

 

[janinegirly]

You''ve got some really great feedback already, so just wanted to add to the sentiment that this does not have to do with your apperance or physical changes since preggo. Like DD says, if you want to work on that for yourself, that''s great--but don''t think it''s the solution to this particular issue. If there is something that is up, it more likely related to issues he might be having with being a new dad, or you being a mom now...i.e. all the changes. He isn''t expressing it, just trying to push it all away. There may be some truth to the claim that he also has some fears of another pregnancy--not logical, but I''d at least listen to him so he feels like his fears/issues are not ignored.

However February is a long time ago, and there are physical needs everyone has, so besides the emotional issues this raises, you do need to address things now, or at least start the process. Have an honest talk with him and ask what''s going on and what he thinks would make it better, b/c you 2 need to connect as a couple to make things whole again..soon. Look for cues in what he says and doesn''t say. If at all possible try not to make him feel defensive, b/c if there''s anything that makes a guy defensive, it''s this topic!!! I guess the first step is to getting back to feeling connected again emotionally so that the other piece can hopefully happen naturally--b/c now there''s probably so much build up hat he may find the expectation overwhelming. At some point you could try a date night and some fun stuff, but I would wait till you feel there is that emotional connection again, b/c you don''t want to risk feeling rejected. It''s a lot I know, especially with a newborn in the house--and I''m sure all us new moms can relate to some degree.

Hang in there, and come back and let us know how it''s going. But if there''s one thing you take away from this thread it''s that it''s not YOU, but his issues that are in turn affecting you.

 

[natalina]

Fiery- first of all, big hugs*****. I''m sorry you''re going through this. I second (or third, or fourth) the women that say this is about HIM, not you or your appearance. I think Pandora nailed it when she said this ties into his lack of wanting to help out with Sophia. I really think he is having a bit of a freak-out at the idea that he needs to be an "official" grown up now. I would continue with your plans to get back in shape for YOU. In the meantime, I would have a talk with him about his lack of affection/committment to you and Sophia. Knowing me, I would probably ask him point blank what he thinks would be the ideal arrangement right now (ie. does he really think it''s fair to not help? Does he really enjoy the lack of cuddling, etc?) I cannot imagine any man saying, "well, I think you should have to do everything and I should be able to just hang with the boys." If you put the ball in his court and ask him what tasks he is comfortable committing to with Sophia, it seems it would be harder for him to not do them. Maybe once you guys reach an arrangement with that stuff, then the intimacy will work it''s way back. I have to think with your resentment regarding the lack of help with baby care, there has to be tension between you guys (and I do NOT mean that you are unjustified in feeling this resentment or that ANY of this is your fault!!).

As for specifically addressing the intimacy issue, I would definitely refrain from discussing my insecurities about my appearance with him. I would just go about my business trying to get fabulous again (for ME, not HIM), and let him notice the changes. I think it can be hard for guys to have to reassure their partners about their appearance, and sometimes that in itself is a turn-off. The sexiest thing is for you to get to feeling good about yourself. But I would talk to him in a matter-of-fact way that I am disappointed and hurt about the lack of affection, and try to keep it very conversational, not confrontational, if that makes sense?

I really think the most important thing here is for you to get to feeling good about yourself for your own benefit. Good for you for getting the ball rolling. But love yourself every step of the way. You gave birth to a beautiful baby, are caring for her (and FI, I bet), and have a FT job! Geez, girl, you have a lot on your plate! Recognize your accomplishments and know that you are doing an amazing job. Many women are not that strong. Focus on taking the best care of yourself and your gorgeous little Sophia (and she is a beauty!) and I bet the rest will fall into place. I guess it goes back to my motto, control what you can control and let the rest go as it may. You can''t control your FI''s feelings, but you can be the best and strongest you can be. And Sophia will benefit from a strong mama too.

And I guess I should say, this all comes from someone whose baby has not arrived yet, but I still think I can understand how you feel. I worry about the changes DH and I are in for, especially since sex has not been real high up on our list of things to do during this pregnancy (but he is still affectionate in other ways). I definitely get to questioning if he''s still attracted to the preggo me, or if it''s about the baby, and when it will kick back in. But fundamentally, I know there is nothing wrong with me, these changes are natural and it will take time to get to feeling great about my body''s appearance again (and I, too, went into this pregnancy heavier than I was during dating/wedding days, so I have extra to take off as well).

 

[fieryred33143]

Thank you ladies. I''m going to jump on a computer to respond since its hard to on a phone but I am reading and you each have hit the nail on the head. I''ll be back to respond

 

[Bia]

I can commiserate girl...

Granted, I haven't just had a baby, and my body isn't going through any weight-related changes (well maybe 15lbs give or take), but I can relate to the romance being "off." Sometimes when you're with someone for so long, you go through these weird phases where the communication isn't there--some very smart and experienced women told me that

. Sex is a wonderful form of communication, but when it's lacking, it's not exactly something you want to own up to - does nothing for the sex drive, let me tell you.

I am not going to pretend I know what you're going through, because I don't. You just had a baby and you work and you have a husband (practically) - you have a lot on your plate! I will say this: he needs to step up to plate and help you fiery. You can't do it all on your own right now. If you need to sit down and tell him to get off his lazy ass and help you, then so be it. He has a responsibility as Sophia's father, and if he isn't going to own that responsibility, then there will be consequences. Not only are you going to be tired (and sick as a result - you eventually will get sick if you start getting depressed and continue to be sleep deprived), but you're going to lose your mind and drive him insane in the process. He does not want things to get rocky, but they will if things continue like this. So help eachother put a stop to it--whatever it is.

I'll get personal with you:

I am dealing with something similar. Our "rendezvous," for lack of a better word, have dropped in frequency significantly. Feeling like you're not attractive enough to get your man in the mood SUCKS! Why does he tell me I'm beautiful all the time if he doesn't want to have sex as much as he used to??? It's bs!

I'm noticing now that my sex drive is dropping too, and that is just NOT going to work for me. This is causing me some anxiety on my part. I'm starting to question whether we should even get married, and I hate that feeling. But hey, I'm young, and there is no way I'm going to be with someone who doesn't care enough to try and make it fun and exciting. So I try. We try to make it work. And we are. I'm trying to be more spontaneous, more encouraging, more this and that. I can tell he's trying to. I'm hoping we get it together. I guess we'll see.

I will agree with what others have said though. If you're trying to lose weight and get fit to boost your self-esteem, great! Do it because you want to feel better about yourself and be healthier for you and your baby. Don't do it because you think it's going to magically get things on & poppin'. Feeling sexy, and being sexy, comes from within. You're gorgeous, and I'm sure he thinks you're the most beautiful woman on the planet. He's just getting lazy, and yea, maybe he's stressed too. Work at it and help eachother.

Keep us posted nena. Sending lots of love & hugs your way.

 

[vespergirl]

Don''t be so hard on yourself. A lot of time men''s self image changes when their wives have babies (transitioning from husband to father) and think of themselves more as parents than sexual partners. He may also be thinking of you more as a mother than a sexual partner. Also, I don''t know if your husband watched the birth, but some men can lose sexual interest in their wives after watching the birthing process. It doesn''t have to be a permanent thing, but some guys are a little shocked by the process, and it can take them a while to view the "lady parts" as a pleasure center, instead of a reproductive center.

Also, it will help if you work on losing the baby weight by exercising - not that it has anything to do with him liking you at a certain size, but it will make a big difference in your self-confidence, energy level and mood. When a woman is feeling attractive and sexy, her partner will find her more appealing, whether she wears a 4 or a 14. Same goes if a woman is feeling insecure and self-conscious - it can be a turnoff, regardless of her size. If you are working at getting back your pre-baby body, you will be healthier & feel better about yourself. Don''t try to pressure yourself to look like what you did when you first met, just to get to your best healthy size that''s realistic at this point in your life.

Also, you can encourage your DH to exercise with you. When men exercise they produce more testosterone, which will make him feel like having sex more. Most likely, though, he''s going through a bunch of life changes too (becoming a dad) which may be weighing heavily on him.

 

[anchor31]

I''m so sorry to hear this is happening to you. It sounds to me like Pandora and the others are on the right track and it has nothing to do with you and your weight... Your DH seems to be having a harder time dealing with his new state of fatherhood and he may be insecure in this role and unsure of how he should behave with you and your child. What Pandora said about his attitude towards caring for Sophia and his mother''s behaviour during the birth is very telling. I''m not sure what to suggest, but maybe counselling could help?

Good luck sweetheart, I hope you and your DH can resolve this soon.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

Fiery- I don''t have any advice other than to ditto what Pandora said. And to offer you hugs!!

 

[purrfectpear]

In addition to what has been posted, I wouldn''t be so quick to discount his fear of another pregnancy. As you said, you guys decided to skip BC once. That''s not the same thing as sitting down and planning to have a baby. Well you got PG and the two of you made the most of it. That does NOT mean that he''s ready for another one. In fact he may harbor some regrets for the timing of this one. Give him credit for saying what''s on his mind. Don''t just throw it out and call it BS, please. I''m not taking his "side" as I do think he needs to deal with reality and suck it up, but I suspect he is in fact petrified of the thought of another baby. He''s still reeling from this one. The extra fluff may be part of his reluctance but I don''t think it''s the major part. I''m thinking you could be a size 6 and he''d still equate sex=baby. You guys will have to talk that out and find a way to alleviate that fear. Saying that it worked fine for the last several years won''t cut it. He can''t relate to that as reality, he relates to "we had sex and OMG I have a baby to feed and care for".

 

[Black Jade]

this is definitely not a weight issue.
With having any background (I haven''t seen yr. previous posts on your relationship) if I were to make a guess this is what it would be. Hubby is jealous of the new baby and taking it out on you by withholding, whether consciously or unconsciously. Men do this a lot more than people realize. Also, it''s incredibly common for them to be jealous of the attention baby gets and some are more mature about this than others.
It is nothing that they will ADMIT to, but often they feel that it was you, and them, and now there''s this intruder and they''ve moved to second place and they HATE it. They can feel this and love their child,too. It seems like something like this might be going on not just from your posts but from posts referring to your other posts.
The solution would be to make time just for him, every single day, no matter how hard it seems (and I do know you''re overwhelmed right now). Not MUCH time--a little will do. But be consistent. Every day. Ask him about his day, mention how much you miss doing things with him that you did together (other than sex, he will see any discussion about sex as nagging now), make a favorite meal (or buy it) , give him TLC in the ways he likes. Get that mother-in-law or somebody else to babysit and go out with him and dress so that you look HOT (even if you don''t feel hot). Just let him know he is still #1 and I believe he will respond. To both you and baby too.
Best to you,
Black Jade

 

[Lilac]

Date: 9/17/2009 10:01:27 PM
Author: purrfectpear
In addition to what has been posted, I wouldn''t be so quick to discount his fear of another pregnancy. As you said, you guys decided to skip BC once. That''s not the same thing as sitting down and planning to have a baby. Well you got PG and the two of you made the most of it. That does NOT mean that he''s ready for another one. In fact he may harbor some regrets for the timing of this one. Give him credit for saying what''s on his mind. Don''t just throw it out and call it BS, please. I''m not taking his ''side'' as I do think he needs to deal with reality and suck it up, but I suspect he is in fact petrified of the thought of another baby. He''s still reeling from this one. The extra fluff may be part of his reluctance but I don''t think it''s the major part. I''m thinking you could be a size 6 and he''d still equate sex=baby. You guys will have to talk that out and find a way to alleviate that fear. Saying that it worked fine for the last several years won''t cut it. He can''t relate to that as reality, he relates to ''we had sex and OMG I have a baby to feed and care for''.

I do agree with this, but the thing is fiery said her FI is also not hugging her or holding hands anymore. He must know that hugging or holding hands can''t possibly lead to another baby, so why would he stop doing that also? Unless he just thinks doing that might lead to sex which could lead to a baby...

Fiery - I think what Purrfectpear said does make a lot of sense and definitely should be discussed between you and your FI. I haven''t even gotten pregnant yet (on purpose or by accident) and sometimes when I think about the possibility I hesitate for a second before sex because I worry about getting pregnant right now when we''re not ready! So even more so after having an unplanned pregnancy and now a new baby, your FI probably does have those fears which really could be contributing to the problem. But he needs to understand that you need intimacy (even if it''s just in the form of cuddling, hugging, hand-holding, etc. at first) and hopefully it will eventually get better with communication and effort.

 

[cara]

firey, i just wanted to echo all the others and reassure you that your gut is right that something is wrong, but there is no reason to blame your body size for it. That's probably your own mind talking to some extent, wanting you to lose weight and you've taken good steps for yourself in that regard, though I know its a long road to walk on that front.

Also wanted to say that this time is HARD. Obviously not a mom myself, but even my friends that have helpful fathers (or fathers trying to help in their own way despite lacking the boob-factor) found this to be a really stressful time in their relationships. Definitely sounds like you need some element of better communication, and some element of pattern changing. The other ladies have given great suggestions re: asking him for specific help and talking over expectations, but you also might consider setting up a schedule for leaving the baby regularly with him so he feels responsible, gets used to taking care of her and develops his confidence without you there to do it or judge how he's doing it. But also, if the resentment and issues are high enough, you *might* consider a counseling session if things don't start improving soon. You don't want to let this fester, and with you going back to work there will be more stress not less.

BlackJade, I would agree with your suggestion (firey make time for her FI) but it puts all of the burden on her, none on him, and she has a lot on her plate right now. She needs a partner! They both need to take care of each other, schedule date nights as they are able, make each other feel sexy, important and appreciated! If she reaches out to him once or twice and that starts to change the dynamic, well great. Taking the scary first step of repairing a rift is important in a relationship. But it does sound like she has already raised this at least once with her man. If he keeps up the freeze/denial of issues/unhelpfulness then reaching out to him becomes one more chore on a very long list, with the added negative of feeling rejected after, which is a horrible dynamic for the relationship. Hence communication and pattern changing are important, before the resentment builds up and more harm is done.

ETA: I'm in the PPear/Lilac camp on the sex-baby thing. Just because you've used condoms successfully for years doesn't mean he's not now freaked out by relying on them. Sophie could have made the whole consequences thing more real, and there's no requirement that his fear be proportional to the actual risks involved! I don't think that the whole story here by any means, but it might be a small factor.

 

[fieryred33143]

Sorry for posting and running. Our internet at home has been acting a little funny lately.

Just an update before I respond to everyone:

As he was getting ready for work this morning, he asked if I was planning on leaving him. I told him the truth. In moments when I’m feeling the saddest and the loneliest, the thought of leaving has crossed my mind. He knows that from a logistical/financial perspective, it is really easy for me to get up and leave. He also knows that I’m really unhappy here (in this city) and I’ve only stayed for him because this is his home. He called me and said that his mom will take care of DD tonight so that we can go out to dinner together so I’m looking forward to that.

He also mentioned feeling a little left out because I’m not a very affectionate person, I never have been, but I’m very affectionate with DD. He said that he doesn’t know where that “side” of me has been all these years. I wanted to tell him that its not the same but didn’t want to discount his feelings so we’re going to talk about it more later but I suspect he’s been holding out on the other forms of affection out of resentment.

 

[tlh]

Fiery, I''m a little late to your thread, and I hope that you two have a nice dinner/date tonight and are able to work through this.

I can see where your amount of affection/attention to your DD (though different) can seem confusing as to something he may have perceived as missing. This would be a good time to discuss your feelings, and what the two of you can do - together to get through this. Maybe take things slow? Like starting off with a good set of spoons tonight?

((hugs to you)) and your beautiful daughter!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Fiery I am really glad that you two seem to have reached a breakthrough of sorts on this issue. Knowing relationship psychology, what he says makes a lot of sense. People who are feeling rejected very often will withdraw affection as a means of protecting themselves from future hurt. It is a bad method, though, because it usually causes more harm, as you can see from your own relationship.

It could be that all your FI needs is some reassurance that you love him and care for him. It is hard for him to "put himself out there" but making moves and investing emotions in his relationship with you if on some level he worries that you will reject him. Should he be more mature? Totally. But sometimes we have to acknowledge our partner''s flaws and make the first move. Giving him some hugs and making a small effort to say you love him, or even just to give him attention for 5 minutes, is a really small effort on your part but in a situation where a partner is feeling sensitive of rejection, like you FI is, it can go so far.

I am also not the most physically affectionate person with my husband. It just isn''t my nature. But of course I am very affectionate with our son. My husband and I had to negotiate a lot in the earlier years of our relationship because he has a very high need for physical affection whereas mine is lower. He would often get more clingy when he worried about my feelings for him, sort of the opposite of what your FI is doing. I learned that making myself be more affectionate in small ways meant so much to him, and even though it isn''t natural for me, it is worth the effort.

I suspect that if your both try to meet half way then you will both be happier. If you can muster the energy and motivation to give him a little more of whatever it is that he needs -- be is hugs or smiles or I love yous -- then he can hopefully muster the energy to give you more of what you need -- help with the childcare!

Good luck tonight! Try to be as calm and listen to his concers no matter how silly they are

And hopefully he will listen better to yours!

 

[Steel]

Date: 9/18/2009 2:09:12 PM
Author: fiery


Sorry for posting and running. Our internet at home has been acting a little funny lately.

Just an update before I respond to everyone:

As he was getting ready for work this morning, he asked if I was planning on leaving him. I told him the truth. In moments when I’m feeling the saddest and the loneliest, the thought of leaving has crossed my mind. He knows that from a logistical/financial perspective, it is really easy for me to get up and leave. He also knows that I’m really unhappy here (in this city) and I’ve only stayed for him because this is his home. He called me and said that his mom will take care of DD tonight so that we can go out to dinner together so I’m looking forward to that.

He also mentioned feeling a little left out because I’m not a very affectionate person, I never have been, but I’m very affectionate with DD. He said that he doesn’t know where that “side” of me has been all these years. I wanted to tell him that its not the same but didn’t want to discount his feelings so we’re going to talk about it more later but I suspect he’s been holding out on the other forms of affection out of resentment.

I am very sorry you are going through an unsettling time. I feel for you.

But if you get a chance to see this, I highlighted two points in your post which are from your DH's point of view. It seems this was not about you as other posters have said, it is about him. Your DH needs you, try to be there for him. It sounds like he is reaching out to you, let him talk tonight.

 

[steph72276]

Oh Fiery, I feel for you honey. I think a lot of people go through what you are going through after having their first baby. I know I felt similar. I put on over 50 lbs with my first son and it took quite a while to get it back off. I know I didn''t have the confidence I used to have. Also, I was so very tired all the time (DS would stay up ALL night long every night and sleep during the day when I couldn''t sleep) that it was hard to feel affectionate towards my husband. It took some adjusting for him to go from being #1 in my life to stepping aside while I took care of this little guy. He told me how he felt left out too. I think lots of couples go through this. We did start making dates with just the two of us to reconnect and once we were finally in a routine and had things semi figured out with the little one, things got a lot better. It is really important to remind him that he is loved too because I think men are really more sensitive than they lead on to be. Hope you guys have a great time tonight and hope you work things out!

 

[trillionaire]

Hey Fiery!

Been thinking about you. How did date night go? How are you feeling? I hope things are getting easier and looking brighter!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 9/18/2009 2:09:12 PM
Author: fiery

Sorry for posting and running. Our internet at home has been acting a little funny lately.

Just an update before I respond to everyone:

As he was getting ready for work this morning, he asked if I was planning on leaving him. I told him the truth. In moments when I’m feeling the saddest and the loneliest, the thought of leaving has crossed my mind. He knows that from a logistical/financial perspective, it is really easy for me to get up and leave. He also knows that I’m really unhappy here (in this city) and I’ve only stayed for him because this is his home. He called me and said that his mom will take care of DD tonight so that we can go out to dinner together so I’m looking forward to that.

He also mentioned feeling a little left out because I’m not a very affectionate person, I never have been, but I’m very affectionate with DD. He said that he doesn’t know where that “side” of me has been all these years. I wanted to tell him that its not the same but didn’t want to discount his feelings so we’re going to talk about it more later but I suspect he’s been holding out on the other forms of affection out of resentment.

Fiery, I''m hoping all is well with you and that you''ve been working this out.

Based on the things you mentioned in your last post, I''d not think he''s merely holding out as a way to express his resentment. What I get from your post is quite the opposite. I think he''s feeling insecure and unsure of your feelings for him; he said as much in asking if you were going to leave him.

You''ve never been super-affectionate, and he''s accepted that about you. Now things have changed because he can see that you are affectionate with DD, which leaves him wondering why you aren''t with him. It sounds like he''s beginning to doubt your feelings for him.

I''m sure that insecurity is at the root of his pulling back. Affection comes in a loving, secure relationship, and when that security is compromised, it makes sense for a person to pull back the reins a little to make themselves a bit less vulnerable. Anxiety isn''t a great motivator for affection, either; he''s clearly worried that you''re contemplating leaving.

You''ve been feeling like he''s unsure of you (due to attractiveness concerns) and he''s feeling like you''re unsure of him (because he realizes you can have great affection and yet haven''t typically with him pre-baby.) Sounds like some heartfelt communication and reassurance on both ends would go a long way to making things better.

 

[fieryred33143]

Tril-Thanks for asking and Allison-thank you for your thoughts.

Things are moving at a very slow rate. It''s hard to say whether it''s getting better or not. In terms of helping with DD it is now that I''m working. He helps with her bathtime and getting her ready for bed. He changes her diaper in the morning while I get ready and he spends 2 hours in the afternoon with her before I get home from work (usually has to do a feeding, diaper change, and either entertain or put to sleep depending on how she feels).

As for our relationship, like I said it''s moving along. We''ve taken a be honest approach. We just lay everything out there even if it hurts initially. He and I both feel that we need to be honest with each other instead of letting our imaginations go wild (there was a period where I was honestly convinced he was cheating). So we''re just talking, talking, talking and when we''re tired with talking, we talk some more.

The one thing we both agreed on though is that we don''t want to give up or leave each other so that gives me hope that we''ll one day be back to where we were.

 

[anchor31]

fiery - I''m glad to hear that the lines of communication are open and that you and FI are making progress. I hadn''t seen your previous update, and I wanted to say that it happened to someone I know. When her son was born, he became the "most important man in her life", so to speak, instead of her BF, and the BF experienced some jealousy. They had a rough patch and she thought about leaving him, but they worked things through and now have a second son together. I''ll keep praying for your family.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 10/6/2009 9:28:11 AM
Author: fiery
Tril-Thanks for asking and Allison-thank you for your thoughts.

Things are moving at a very slow rate. It''s hard to say whether it''s getting better or not. In terms of helping with DD it is now that I''m working. He helps with her bathtime and getting her ready for bed. He changes her diaper in the morning while I get ready and he spends 2 hours in the afternoon with her before I get home from work (usually has to do a feeding, diaper change, and either entertain or put to sleep depending on how she feels).

As for our relationship, like I said it''s moving along. We''ve taken a be honest approach. We just lay everything out there even if it hurts initially. He and I both feel that we need to be honest with each other instead of letting our imaginations go wild (there was a period where I was honestly convinced he was cheating). So we''re just talking, talking, talking and when we''re tired with talking, we talk some more.

The one thing we both agreed on though is that we don''t want to give up or leave each other so that gives me hope that we''ll one day be back to where we were.

Sending you both lots of ***Love Dust***!

I''ve also heard that a lot of men have a hard time adjusting to new parenthood, and that mom''s take to their role more easily, but struggle with the relationship role. You are not alone! The most important thing is that you guys are both committed to working on things together! It sounds like the new parenting changes have made you both uncertain about your relationship in different ways, but the love is certainly still there. I hope that things start to click for you two soon! Big HUGS! And pinch those cute baby cheeks!

 

[luv2sparkle]

Fiery, I am so glad things are going better for you. It takes a lot of work doesn''t it? It sounds like you are on the right track.

I just have one thing I wanted to add. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I dont care what you see on tv, having a baby does change your body, it''s supposed to. Not always a bad thing.
Just keep trying to feel good for you. If you feel you are making a little progress, you will feel better.

Your beautiful little girl is the best gift.