Those who share finances....

[PhillyMcGee]

Hi Ladies!

I'm just wondering how those who live together/share finances with their Partners prior to proposals not notice or question where money is going (if it's for a ring) or hasn't that been an issue for anyone? I'm not really sure if it is an issue for me or not, but not sure if I should ignore any strange financial activity hoping its all for a ring? The problem is my BF is notoriously a terrible spender! He often spends money on unnecessary things and can't budget well...I do all 'our' financial stuff and he has his 'play' money left over, so it's never really a big deal if he spends it all, it just annoys me when that cash is meant to last him a week and he spends it in three days, so I am often saying to him 'where has that money gone?' I know I'm annoying but at least I'm practical!

Anyway, a few months ago he lent a pretty large amount of money ($4000) to a friend who had to go overseas at short notice as a family member of theirs was extremely sick. Not something we can really afford ourselves but anyway! Yesterday that friend had paid back half of it in cash, but this morning it wasn't in L's wallet so I asked where it was, he tells me he has left it at his mums for safekeeping.....I was like 'why the hell did you do that and not put it in the bank like a normal person?', then thought whilst I was driving to work perhaps it is a stash for an e-ring?! No idea if it is or not....but I realized this is something I will struggle with....do you turn a blind eye to your OH's spending/budget blowouts , in the hope its all for a ring?

 

[pandabee]

Ooh...that is a great question! Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you, hopefully some other ladies do. Does he usually seem pretty responsive when you tell him to watch his spending habits? Maybe just go ahead and turn a blind eye just in case. You said something to him about putting that money in the bank so personally if I was in your situation, I'd leave it at that. Sharing finances definitely makes it harder not to ruin the surprise!

 

[madelise]

I was like 'why the hell did you do that and not put it in the bank like a normal person?', then thought whilst I was driving to work perhaps it is a stash for an e-ring?!

How far are you guys along with your conversation about timelines and ring purchases? I don't think he's thinking unlike a normal person, and do believe he would have automatically put it into a bank for safekeeping ASAP. Leaving cash around like that is dangerous, as anyone can steal it or the location can burn down or whatever. That amount isn't a petty amount. I'm suspicious that he truly is stashing it for a ring..

If you've been trusting of his financial choices thus far, I wouldn't question him on his choices. It may not be at his mom's after all, and be at a jewelers. Or another account he's hidden from you. Questioning his financial choices may get him to "spill the beans" and ruin a surprise.

As for his other spending habits, you should definitely have an open conversation with him. I don't have any advice beyond that because I am your SO in my own relationship. I think SO realized this, and now he only funnels a specific (smallish) amount into our joint account for me to use, rather than us share a whole big one where I can depress or drunk shop away the funds.

If you manage his fun money, and don't like him spending it all in one sitting, maybe you can make him split it up. Instead of a month's worth of allowance, give him it weekly. Or instead of weekly, every Monday to last for weekdays, and Friday for the weekend. But really, it is his fun money, so I don't think it should be a bad thing that he's using it for fun stuff

 

[PhillyMcGee]

I don't know if it really is for a ring, he said he left it there because he knows what he is like with money so it seemed the best way to make sure it wasn't spent. He's not very good at discipline! I just thought it was a really weird thing to do, that's why I questioned him about why he hadnt put it in the bank...but then I can save money I have easy access to and not spend it, he has never been able to do that! I might be projecting my hopefulness but it DOES sort of make sense for him, he would need to keep the money somewhere I don't know about, which would mean no one to keep track of any spending, if he 'knows what he is like' and determined to save it, he basically needs it to be untouchable....I am probably reading too much into it

I don't manage his play money, each week we both pay a certain amount into our joint account which pays for our living expenses etc, then we have our leftovers...I pay for my horse, save a bit, spend on whatever I like. He can do whatever with his of course, it just irritates me when you have $X to last till next pay day in a week, he knows it has to last a week but doesn't ration it...it's not a big deal as it is literally the spare cash for doing whatever with, but most people would try not to spend it all in a couple of days so they aren't left broke for the rest of the week!

In terms of timeline it's a bit unusual because if he had the money we would have already been engaged, he told me at Xmas he had planned to propose to me on Xmas day in NYC, we ha planned a trip there but ended up not being able to go due to money and work situations, and he was really upset about it. I think (hope) it's just a case of 'as soon as I have saved up enough'.

But then what the hell do I know!

 

[gem_anemone]

I would be very suspicious and I would (nicely) demand to know what happened to the money. Giving it to his mother is not a good enough answer for me. I don't take kindly to weird or suspicious behavior especially involving finances.

 

[MBKRH]

I agree with gem. That's a lot of money, and yeah- why give it to his mom as opposed to putting it in the bank?

As far as finances go for us- we have separate accounts. A long time ago, he kept saying we should go get a joint account. I just kept brushing it off. That's something I'd wait until we're married to do.

So, for now- everything is paid 50/50. I'll give him money for a bill, and he'll do the same for me. Sometimes if he has extra cash, he'll take care of an entire bill, but other than that, I don't question where his extra money goes. As long as our bills are paid, that's good enough for me. He's allowed to spend his own leftover funds any way he wants. But, he's never been in a situation where he's hand a couple grand on him... and then loan it out, nonetheless............

I don't know, Philly. I would find a gentle way to bring it up. I wish I knew exactly what to tell you.

 

[Roxy]

I would be very suspicious and I would (nicely) demand to know what happened to the money. Giving it to his mother is not a good enough answer for me. I don't take kindly to weird or suspicious behavior especially involving finances.

I agree with gem. That's a lot of money, and yeah- why give it to his mom as opposed to putting it in the bank?

As far as finances go for us- we have separate accounts. A long time ago, he kept saying we should go get a joint account. I just kept brushing it off. That's something I'd wait until we're married to do.

So, for now- everything is paid 50/50. I'll give him money for a bill, and he'll do the same for me. Sometimes if he has extra cash, he'll take care of an entire bill, but other than that, I don't question where his extra money goes. As long as our bills are paid, that's good enough for me. He's allowed to spend his own leftover funds any way he wants. But, he's never been in a situation where he's hand a couple grand on him... and then loan it out, nonetheless............

I don't know, Philly. I would find a gentle way to bring it up. I wish I knew exactly what to tell you.

Philly I really feel for you, because these types of discussions are NEVER fun. And I'm sorry that your SO has put you in a position of feeling really vulnerable, confused and unsure of what's going on. For that reason, both Gem and MB are right, you've got to have an open discussion w/ him and find out what's going on.

I'm sure you've heard a million times that "finances" are the #1 reason for divorces, so the last thing you guys want to do is bring those issues INTO a marriage, you know? Now's not the time to ignore red flags, instead you want to make sure that you clearly explain what will and will not work FOR YOU wrt finances going forward so that you guys can figure out what needs to change. For example, I'm concerned that he has an allowance that he spends in a few days and then you have to ask him about it again and again. That scenario isn't fair to either of you, and it's forcing you to act more like a mother vs a wife, which I'm sure you hate to do. That really needs to change.

I think that given the fact that the NYC trip & engagement didn't happen due to issues with money, now would be a good time for you guys to sit down together and restructure how you're managing your finances. You both really need to be working as a team, where you come up with a strategy and you follow it. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but as your future DH he has to be willing to open up to you and work WITH you to come up with a savings/spending plan that you both have full knowledge of (not necessarily "access to" but "awareness of") so that you're both on the same page financially.

I'm sure that the last thing he would want is for you to be so uncomfortable about the "missing" money, and once you express that to him, he'll probably tell you what's really going on (yes, I'm hoping it's a ring too!! ). But you need to clear the air because this isn't making the pre-proposal period any fun for either of you and it should be!

 

[tammy77]

Why not just ask him if he is planning to put it in the bank, or if he is gathering cash out of the acct towards your ring? When my now DH and I were in that stage, he said flat out that he needed the money to come out of savings so he could buy the ring when he was ready. It's a fair question to ask if you've talked about engagement at length and share finances!

Just because he's pulling money together doesn't mean it's happening TODAY so he can tell you at least that part. Good luck!

 

[maple2012]

Why not just ask him if he is planning to put it in the bank, or if he is gathering cash out of the acct towards your ring? When my now DH and I were in that stage, he said flat out that he needed the money to come out of savings so he could buy the ring when he was ready. It's a fair question to ask if you've talked about engagement at length and share finances!

Just because he's pulling money together doesn't mean it's happening TODAY so he can tell you at least that part. Good luck!

I agree. I suggest you just flat out ask him instead of driving yourself crazy trying to figure out what he's up to. Plus if he's not, he'll definately start doing it. I used this approach with my SO.

 

[JulieN]

Uh.. are you sure you want to marry him? I'm half kidding, half not.

I know it is petty and superficial, but I don't think the money for the e-ring should be coming from the joint account, anyway. It's ok to have a joint account for household expenses, I assume you live together if you share finances, but he should still have an account that is just for him that is a serious account, not an account with a balance that only lasts him a week or less.

 

[PhillyMcGee]

Errr....ok....this has been completely misconstrued. Not sure why I even bothered to post it.
First of all, I do know where that cash is...as I mentioned I asked him because his friend gave it back to him in cash so it was in his wallet and then it wasn't. He told me the answer so it's not a massive secret! I personally would have just put it in the bank but I am a good saver...he isn't. I don't think asking a close family member to hold on to some money for you that you want to make see you don't spend is bad or crazy at all...?! In fact the very reason I posted this is because if it were for a ring, it would make perfect sense because I wouldn't see the money coming out of our account and ruin the surprise. My question was, if you are a LIW and share finances, do you ask about any big purchases you dont know about etc etc if your OH is trying to keep it as a surprise. Normally you would, or normally there wouldn't be any big purchases you don't know about, but in this instance do you keep quiet about it? So as not to ruin it.

Also, our finances are just fine thank you. We own our hOome and cars, have two dogs and a horse and can pay our bills just fine. The fact that we couldnt go on the holiday we wanted was because it would have cost us a minimum $20,000 and we couldn't save up that much in time between when we decided we wanted to go and the intended date, being that we have a mortgage and other bills to pay which come before holidays. I had started a new job a couple of months before we planned to go and couldn't take a month off a job I had just started. So the reason we didn't go is not because my SO spent all our money frivolously....we have priorities that come before holidays and didn't give ourselves enough of a time window to save the money we needed, so now we are postponing it a bit untill next year as we really wanted to go for Christmas.
The money for the ring, and the money he leant his friend would/did not come from our joint account at all, at no point did I say that. As mentioned we have our joint account for bills, savings account that we do both have knowledge of and contribute to, and our own accounts for spending money. He leant money to a friend he trusted to pay it back, who needed to go home to see his dying mum, and couldn't afford it? That's. It being irresponsible, that's being compassionate and a good friend.

I don't need to have a talk with him about where his money goes, the money he spends is in our budget for exactly that - spending each week. If he wants to buy something and have not much left for the rest of the week it's up to him. It's not usually what I would do but it doesn't matter. We have been together for 11 years and have built and own a home together for almost five years. It's fine, thanks for the concern this is absolutely not what this thread was about.

 

[pandabee]

Philly, sorry that this thread has taken a different turn than you had intended. I stand by my previous statement that if you have an inkling it'll be for a ring and don't want to ruin the surprise for yourself, then don't ask him. The money has already been moved around and not in your account so just think of it as already gone (from since he lent it to his friend) and for him to do with it what he will.

Thinking a bit more though about your original question, I think when we do share finances in the future, I would hope that we would talk together about large purchases (like over $500). I would not want to be surprised with a big purchase from a joint account. That is just my opinion though, so if that is a concern for you as well, and you know that he does not have his own separate bank account, then perhaps you should just ask him directly whether he is intending on buying a ring for you and leave it at that.

I think that in this post I've said two different things, but basically I am trying to say that with the money that he got from his friend repaying him, I would let that go for the reason I said above. Any further withdrawals though, I think he should be upfront with you if he is to be taking a large portion out of your joint account. Hope that makes sense

 

[maple2012]

Philly, sorry that this thread has taken a different turn than you had intended.:

I second this. Sorry Philly!!! And the comment on whether she's sure she wants to marry him was a bit uncalled for, in my opinion. Remember we are on the LIW board because diamonds and money aside... we have met someone that we love and that we want to spend the rest of our lives with; that's what it's really all about in the end.

 

[tammy77]

I think there were a couple of...harsh responses, but you did receive some that weren't (at least I think they weren't). I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. Good luck.

 

[JulieN]

I'm sorry! Yes, it was totally misconstrued, because you spent the majority of two posts complaining about how he handles money, but what you really are suffering from is LIW-itis: "I'm not really sure if it is an issue for me or not, but not sure if I should ignore any strange financial activity hoping its all for a ring?"

The answer is NO. You will drive yourself crazy doing that.

I mean, this, to me, this is not healthy:

"No idea if it is or not....but I realized this is something I will struggle with....do you turn a blind eye to your OH's spending/budget blowouts , in the hope its all for a ring?"

"I might be projecting my hopefulness but....I am probably reading too much into it"

Don't worry about the ring. Take your mind off the ring/engagement/proposal. He said he was planning to do it earlier, but unfortunately it wasn't in the cards.

 

[Chewbacca]

Hmmm, tricky question!

I think I would turn a blind eye? Provided there is no 'shady' vibe I'd let it slide by, it is his play money after all, right? I've never actually thought about how you are supposed to purchase each other surprises with a joint account!

In saying that, if its making you feel like a crazy person, I'd just talk to him about it! Then no more crazy, everybody wins!

 

[gem_anemone]

I don't understand how you made the first two posts sound like your boyfriend can't be trusted with money and then you were shocked when posters suggested you should have a little chat with him about money. You have explained yourself a little more in the third post and removed any suspicion off of your man. I guess it's ok to turn a blind eye to $2K of his personal money if you trust him, but the first two posts you made didn't make it sound that was an option. Good luck. I hope the money is for the ring you want, however, I'm not the speculating type. I would want to know for sure. If I were you and I wanted to stay sane I would have to ask if the money was going to be used for a ring. After 11 years and a home it should not be a surprise that the two of you will marry. Even if he tells you it's for a ring you will still be surprised at the proposal.

 

[PhillyMcGee]

It's not he can't be trusted, he's just not a good budgeter. I said that to explain the reason he told me for why he asked his mum to hold on to the money, and when you think of it from his point of view (which was 'I need to make sure I don't spend this money'') it makes sense.

Normally there is NEVER a big purchase that the other one of us doesn't know about, as with most people it just wouldn't happen. What I was asking is if you one day noticed a large amount of money missing out of the blue do you demand to know where it had gone ( as any normal person would! ) OR, because you are expecting a ring soonish do you turn a blind eye so you don't ruin it? This particular incident just made me think how on earth do our SO's manage to do this as a surprise? That's all - I wasn't seeking advice about my relationship or I would have asked for it! Just a question.