This may sound crazy to you guys. My wife and I have been married for 35 yrs...

[Dancing Fire]

but we had never talk about our financial situations. We have separate accounts from stocks, checking and saving, etc. I have no idea of how much she have in her accounts. She trades stocks in her own accounts and I trade in mine. I don't even know any of her passwords.

 

[Matata]

We were like that until recently. I don't know if you remember what Pinto Bean went through when she was unexpectedly made a widow. It took a couple of years and a lot of stress and some unpleasant surprises for her to settle the estate. Her story weighed on my mind. DH and I are in our last 2 decades of life and I felt it prudent to add each other to accounts and put password and other info in one place. In the event one of us dies, it won't be as burdensome to attend to the business of the estate as it would be otherwise. Dealing with the grief of the loss of a spouse on top of trying to figure out how to access assets would be unfair to the surviving spouse.

 

[Ally T]

We were like that until recently. I don't know if you remember what Pinto Bean went through when she was unexpectedly made a widow. It took a couple of years and a lot of stress and some unpleasant surprises for her to settle the estate. Her story weighed on my mind. DH and I are in our last 2 decades of life and I felt it prudent to add each other to accounts and put password and other info in one place. In the event one of us dies, it won't be as burdensome to attend to the business of the estate as it would be otherwise. Dealing with the grief of the loss of a spouse on top of trying to figure out how to access assets would be unfair to the surviving spouse.

This. Whilst we are a tiny bit younger, we have recently come into a life changing amount of money. We have in the last few weeks had zoom calls galore with solicitors, financial advisors & independent banks (not high st) that are used to dealing with such.

The very first thing they told us to do was to get ALL our accounts slimmed & solidified, including investments etc, and to ensure we both have access to all accounts & passwords.

The second thing we had to do was make a formal Will. This includes the above, Power of Attorney, plus puts money in Trust for the girls for when they are older, which is completely safeguarded.

Apparently there are 2 things that make relatives crawl out of the woodwork & turn nasty in the event of a death: custody of young children... and money.

It's horrible having to deal with stuff that will only take motion after your death, but it's super necessary.

(And yes, the Dom Perignon has been drunk, but no, we haven't found our Dream House yet )

 

[PinkAndBlueBling]

We share most everything, (I have accounts with our kids) but I'm the one who sets-up the accounts and knows the passwords. I do keep account info handy in case something happens to me. Drives me nuts when I call about an account where he's the primary, such as a credit card, and they won't tell me anything even though I'm the one making the payment!

My friend was in a situation similar to PintoBean. Her hubby was in a coma for a month and she didn't know any passwords. He survived, but she had a horrible time accessing health, work, bank, and insurance accounts that she needed for benefits, etc. When he was 'better" he had some brain damage, so he was of no help.

 

[Ally T]

We share most everything, (I have accounts with our kids) but I'm the one who sets-up the accounts and knows the passwords. I do keep account info handy in case something happens to me. Drives me nuts when I call about an account where he's the primary, such as a credit card, and they won't tell me anything even though I'm the one making the payment!

My friend was in a situation similar to PintoBean. Her hubby was in a coma for a month and she didn't know any passwords. He survived, but she had a horrible time accessing health, work, bank, and insurance accounts that she needed for benefits, etc. When he was 'better" he had some brain damage, so he was of no help.

It's terrifying to think of these kind of situations your friend has experienced. And indeed my darling surrogate momma @PintoBean . But they are sadly a reality for many people.

I remember when my father died suddenly & unexpectedly at age 58, my mother finding Life Insurance after Life Insurance in his business desk. She thought he had one policy, but it turned out he had 5. Everything was so complicated & confusing for her. She became a widow & a millionaire in the same evening.

She has recently made me & my 3 siblings joint Power of Attorney on her estate, slimmed things down & made everything financial crystal clear. She has said that she doesn't want things to be mysterious & messy, like it was when my father died.

 

[Austina]

We have been married 43 years this year, and even before we married, we had joint bank accounts. We made our wills as soon as our son was born 38 years ago, and have updated them along the way.

My DH constantly updates our account information, he’s even filled out as much as he can of the probate forms. Our son also receives all the updated information in the form of an ’Incase of death’ file so that everything is clearly laid out for him.

I can’t understand people not making wills or sorting out their affairs so that they don’t leave the a huge mess at a time when their grieving spouse is already dealing with so much.

 

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

Be sure to add people as beneficiaries on your accounts and/or payable on death (POD).

 

[dk168]

That's how it was with both my ex-hubby and late partner, separate accounts with nothing shared.

DK

 

[Dancing Fire]

We do have a Will and Trust. I'll ask her to give a list of her passwords to our daughters just ICE.

 

[kenny]

Good thing you found her back then, because I know all the ladies on PS want to marry you.

Seriously, congratulations and hope you have many more years of marital bliss.

 

[nala]

I don’t think it’s weird at all! I know a few couples who were near divorce or did divorce bc of shared bank accounts. Good for you! But I’m biased bc that’s what hubby and I do!

 

[stracci2000]

Several years ago DH and I combined our bank accounts, so both names are on all of them.
We also know each others passwords for all other accounts and websites.
If one of us goes, the other will be able to manage everything.

 

[kenny]

I don’t think it’s weird at all! I know a few couples who were near divorce or did divorce bc of shared bank accounts. Good for you! But I’m biased bc that’s what hubby and I do!

If shared accounts caused divorces there would be no successful marriages of joint account holders.
Clearly many couples with joint accounts do have successful marriages.

For that reason saying couples divorce because of shared accounts should rephrased as something like, some couples divorce because sharing accounts was not right for them and having separate accounts was not considered, or they tried separate accounts and divorced anyway.

Couples vary.

 

[Calliecake]

Congratulations on 35 years of marriage @Dancing Fire.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Congratulations on 35 years of marriage @Dancing Fire.

Thanks CC. One of the secret to a long marriage is not to talk about $$$ with your SO...A lot of divorce started with an argument over money.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I think it’s wonderful you’ve been together so long, here is to another 35 years of happiness and memories.

All of our accounts are joint and I take care of all the bills, all the passwords are kept in a binder and I tell him “this is where it all is in case I die”. I’m also one of those that has to write everything out where he doesn’t need to because he keeps it all “up here”.

Yeah well “all up here” doesn’t help if he isn’t here!

 

[LilAlex]

Thanks CC. One of the secret to a long marriage is not to talk about $$$ with your SO...A lot of divorce started with an argument over money.

Congrats to you! Glad you two made that work. Sounds like an old-school arranged marriage.

Far more relationships were over before they started because they did not talk about money, I would venture. How can you marry someone without knowing the debts you are signing on to? Are they a gambler? A deadbeat? How can you ensure that your aggregate asset allocation even makes sense if you do not compare and align how you are each invested? What if he/she is 100% Apple or Bitcoin, etc?

I struggle to understand couples where one is the "money" person -- or one controls the purse-strings. Spouse and I are (well, were, in her case) both earners and we always told the other when we were going to buy something (say > $100). Neither ever vetoed the other's purchase but we always "announced" that we were about to do this -- in case that was a potential issue.

Now I do all the investing and asset-allocating and look at everything in total to make sure that each saving/investing "piece" makes sense. Spouse has less than zero interest in this -- but that's only because I do it. When I'm gone, she'll figure it our pretty quick; she knows where the "keys" are.

Lots of people argue and divorce over religion or infidelity -- best to not talk about those things ever, either.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Congrats to you! Glad you two made that work. Sounds like an old-school arranged marriage.

Nahhh we aren't that old.

if you do not compare and align how you are each invested? What if he/she is 100% Apple or Bitcoin, etc?

That's why we have separate trading accounts.

and we always told the other when we were going to buy something (say > $100). Neither ever vetoed the other's purchase but we always "announced" that we were about to do this -- in case that was a potential issue.

I don't need to ask my wife since we have separate bank accounts. If it was a joint account she might say no to something that I wanted to buy.... like a bigger diamond

 

[voce]

I think if you've been married this long without talking about money and sharing financial accounts, then congrats! Both because of the 35 successful years and because it indicates a strong relationship.

Some people just aren't able to financially or psychologically have a trusting relationship without reaching some consensus about the money.

It would be pretty amusing, if your wife thought she had to make dough like crazy on the stock markets because she thought 90% of your assets was diamonds and watches and she was the only one actually investing like crazy, but I'm almost sure this is not so?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Rule #1...don't let the wife control your money. It would be easier to squeeze an oz. of blood out of a turnip than to squeeze a dollar out of my wife's pocket...

 

[voce]

Rule #1...don't let the wife control your money. It would be easier to squeeze an oz. of blood out of a turnip than to squeeze a dollar out of my wife's pocket...

That's honestly how I feel about my fiance. I'm not penny pinching and have no problem making donations or gifts in the hundreds of dollars when I can afford to. He, on the other hand...

We may end up going the same route as you and keeping separate accounts eventually. At the moment immigration is a b**** because the officers want to see shared accounts when granting visas and green cards and citizenship.

 

[FL_runner]

My husband and I have always had separate accounts and finances. We know who is covering which expenses, the percentage invested/retirement account plan etc.

I love it, honestly. We are both responsible and have similar incomes.

 

[nala]

If shared accounts caused divorces there would be no successful marriages of joint account holders.
Clearly many couples with joint accounts do have successful marriages.

For that reason saying couples divorce because of shared accounts should rephrased as something like, some couples divorce because sharing accounts was not right for them and having separate accounts was not considered, or they tried separate accounts and divorced anyway.

Couples vary.

Chill. I said that “I know a few couples.” I didn’t say every couple…nice try, Kenny, tho I don’t know what exactly you tried to prove.

 

[LilAlex]

We have in the last few weeks had zoom calls galore with solicitors, financial advisors & independent banks (not high st) that are used to dealing with such.

Sorry for your loss (vs. happy for your windfall?).

RUN from these people as fast as you can! It is astounding how much money disappears into the hands of self-serving "professionals" who are only too eager to "help" you. They are professional thieves -- every last one of them. There is no other industry like this. It makes selling mattresses and used cars look like G_d's work.

The big banks and the "full-service brokerages" -- like the bloodsuckers who sponsor all the golf tournaments -- have got to be the worst of the worst. Talk you into the lousiest, most expensive products for commissions and kickbacks -- think annuities and high-expense-ratio funds -- while you grieve!

Find a fee-only advisor who is a true fiduciary. Consider using Vanguard's PAS for 0.3% per year (or less, if you're rich) until you know exactly what you are doing.

 

[Wink]

We do have a Will and Trust. I'll ask her to give a list of her passwords to our daughters just ICE.

My wife had a very small stroke a couple of years ago. She is in great health now, but still has some memory problems.

Because of this, we redid our will and power of attorney for each other in the event of an emergency. Still, I think I will go add a list of my passwords and take it to the safe deposit boxes, just in case something devastating happens.

Thank you for making me think about this further.

Wink

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

Congratulations on 35 years, @Dancing Fire! If keeping your finances completely separate works for you guys, that’s fantastic, but I’ll echo that it can make things difficult if one person passes away. In India in my parents’ generation it was super normal for men to have control over finances and women and children to have 0 clue; and I have seen a lot of my friends struggle when their fathers passed away and they/their mothers had no clue about the assets. One particularly bad story I can think of - I had a friend in high school whose father passed away unexpectedly. He was quite young so I guess he hadn’t thought about mortality, because there was no will or list of assets. After his death, his wife turned to his brother to help her manage and take care of the assets, and he ended up embezzling a lot of the money (she signed it over without realising what she was signing). It’s obviously not the same case here since you both have independent assets and knowledge, but you should still be somewhat aware of what the assets are or at least where the list of assets is.

Having a will and a trust is fantastic, but I’ll add that looking into how each type of asset is handled after someone passes away (eg do you need to designate someone as your successor who will deal with the asset management after you pass away, what paperwork will they need) is also necessary, and creating a document with each asset name/number/amount etc; plus all passwords; plus the process of how to deal with that specific company and what proof etc you will need is a good idea. Then take the document, run it through with your kids (don’t need to tell them passwords now ofc) and each other (again no need to talk numbers and passwords right now, but good to know there are X bank accounts in A B and C banks, there are Y brokerage accounts etc). Keep the document, along with all important papers (eg house ownership) in a safe deposit box; and everyone in the family should know where that box is.

The idea of doing this now is so that in case the worst happens: everyone is aware of which assets are there, what is the procedure to get them released to the trustee/executor, what is the required paperwork, what are the passwords needed to access them, and then how the assets will be distributed (through the Will and Trust). This means that in times of grief the last thing you’ll need to worry about is money, because the money stuff is then just procedural.

 

[Queenie60]

Congratulations @Dancing Fire - and I say, whatever works for you is good. We have been married for 32 years - all accounts and investments are joint as this is good estate tax planning for us. We want to take advantage of "stepped up basis" and other estate tax advantages for the sake of our children. But again, everyone is different and whatever works for you, I say - go for it!!!

 

[teddycake]

Hmm, so how do you know what your household's net worth is? Or I guess you just calculate your own? I've tried to do that - calculate my own - but then what do you do with the home equity? Just divide it by 2?

Like you, we maintain everything separately, don't know each others' passwords, don't have joint accounts, but we talk about the amounts in each account and use a shared doc to track our net worth.

That, and because our net worth sounds so much higher when we combine the value!

 

[Roselina]

We have everything separately and like it that way. However, we know what is where, etc. Very relaxing situation.

 

[Ally T]

Sorry for your loss (vs. happy for your windfall?).

RUN from these people as fast as you can! It is astounding how much money disappears into the hands of self-serving "professionals" who are only too eager to "help" you. They are professional thieves -- every last one of them. There is no other industry like this. It makes selling mattresses and used cars look like G_d's work.

The big banks and the "full-service brokerages" -- like the bloodsuckers who sponsor all the golf tournaments -- have got to be the worst of the worst. Talk you into the lousiest, most expensive products for commissions and kickbacks -- think annuities and high-expense-ratio funds -- while you grieve!

Find a fee-only advisor who is a true fiduciary. Consider using Vanguard's PAS for 0.3% per year (or less, if you're rich) until you know exactly what you are doing.

Hi there! Fortunately we haven't suffered a loss, the money is the result of business & touch wood, everyone is healthy & happy.

We already have a huge amount invested in Vanguard etc - Mr T is well clued up on finances. He also won't pay anything to anyone if he can get away with it

The Will is paramount & once it's done it's done. Everyone should have a Will regardless of estate value. The other advice is to safeguard the children's futures. We are not paying people to pay people to invest our money or anything - it's all about pensions mostly.