Things are looking up

[nytemist]

Hey all,

I''ve been caught up in work/home life/school craziness so I haven''t been on the site lately. Congratulations to you JCJD on your fabulous wedding, as well as congrats to all the newly engaged LIW''s!!!
As you know, BF and I have been butting heads about discussing any future plans (see the ''boy soon'' thread of long ago). After a hard couples of months (death in the family in the spring) in May he asked me what my timeline was for trying to move to NY. I said to him that seeming as though this was a conversaiton that never ended well, that we shouldn''t discuss it until I''m done with school and really have to make decisions. Of course, this spiraled into another bad disagreement- him not thinking I''m being realistic about my plans and that I would just break up with him if he wasn''t ready to move when I was. I said fine, let''s not broach this until the fall. Things have been kind of tense for a couple of months, I constantly felt like there was a cloud over us every time we spent time together, felt like I was losing my buddy. It was killing me to feel like things were coming to an end.
A few weeks ago, the big blow-out happened. He was talking about the place he found to move to (since he had to move out of sister''s house, she got married) and said that doesn''t want to stay there forever, that he has no problem going to NY. I said to him we didn''t have to talk about that subject since it seems to go bad every time. (I felt he didn''t want to talk about it because he didn''t really want a future and didn''t know how to tell me). Long story short, he says "you want me to live hand to mouth and I don''t know if I want to do that" which I heard, ''I''m not devoted enough to this relationship to take a leap of faith with you.'' It was bad. I was horribly upset for about 2 weeks.
We finally had a serious sit-down about this. Basically he said it was a cost of living issue, not an issues with me AT ALL. He stressed that I was always going to be in his life, but was just afraid of how drastic a chaneg it would be, what would he do for work, basic survival... I totally understand now, since he never before expressed how scary the idea was for him. I''m kind of scared as well, but my drive outweighs my fear. We jumped what has been a major hurdle and I can breathe. I have my friend back!
The good part: he confessed that he was looking at and was going to buy a ring months agao, but wanted to make sure this was resolved first. Soooo, I guess I can start an ''official'' countdown!! Sorry this is so long, but lots is going on in my head.

 

[allycat0303]

Nytemist:

Welcome back! I''m glad to hear you had a heart to heart conversation with your boyfriend. I think it''s normal to have fears when there are big, drastic changes in the horizon.... I''m frightened to death sometimes and I have a hard time expressing myself to my boyfriend. It sounds like you are on the right track

 

[MissAva]

NyTempist- Oh I am so happy for you!

It sounds like things are really going to work out for ya’ll. That is fantastic. I am sorry that you were hurting for so long. That is just terrible, but in the end it lead to things working out. I guess this is what they mean when they say every grey cloud has a silver lining. I hope ya’ll can find a suitable place to live in NYC. Welcome back you have been missed. *hug*

 

[nytemist]

I can''t tell you how much better I feel. I mean, I know that the hard part hasn''t even started yet, but knowing that it was never an ''us'' problem, but a financial stability problem. Knowing that he will be with me and will face whatever together. We sort of struck a deal- I promised to lay off the ''fantasy'' talk and he said he promised to seriously sort out his thoughts of what he wants to do (hoping that he means factoring wedding plans too!)

Even he said it''s more than just change in city, but all the trimmings- how our lives will change, how it will feel like us against the world for a while, the building a life for ourselves. I said I know it will be nervce-wracking but think of all the ''firsts'' and inside jokes we will develop! Since I''m going to schoo for massage, he thinks I''m immediately going to have a great paying job. I''m like, no, no... have to establish yourself, get a client base to trust you and all that. Word of mouth can make or break and massge therapist so there is no gurantee. I think since he is more shy, I have a thicker skin to deal with big challenges.

 

[MissAva]

I am sorry I cant rember what does he do?

 

[teebee]

Nytemist ~ that is awesome that you were both able to finally communicate the true origin of your feelings and fears. That is sooooo important and like Allycat, something I really struggle with in my relationship. But, once you get down to it, it's really interesting to see how what we say can be muddled and colored by our partner's own thoughts and fears (and vice versa). Now that you both understand where the other is coming from, compromise becomes much easier.

Edited to correct your name - sorry about that!!!

 

[icekid]

nytemist- I''m really glad things are finally looking up! Communication is so important, as proven here!

 

[nytemist]

Matatora- He works at a distribution company for retail and online stores. I can''t give too much detail anymore since he caught me looking at this site at his house one day and asked a boatload of questions. Maybe that''s why he confessed to ring shopping?
Teebee and Icekid- I communicate regularly (i.e. running my mouth) but I think I might process things and talk about them much faster than he does. He admitted that he does think about things, but he takes a looooong time to form an opinion or heaven forbid express how he is feeling.

I want him to know everything going on in my mind in regards to our relationship and he is the same. It''s taken a lot of work over the past 4.5 years- well, 4.5 as of Aug- to get here. He was extremely shy and quiet and didn''t date, I was a raving cynic that didn''t trust anyone after many bad first dates that never became second dates since I wouldn''t just ''go home'' with people. He called last night and we talked for a little bit. Just before hanging up he says in a quiet voice- ''I don''t feel stuck anymore. There was so much I needed to say and couldn''t get it out until you made me face it. The gate is open.'' So, I think things will be ok.

 

[MissAva]

Sorry to be nosey I was just wondering how hardit will be for him to relocate, but that sounds like a job that they would have in NY too. I am so happy for both of you.

 

[nytemist]

No, not being nosey at all. For the type of work he does, it would be impossible to find another job- it is NY, there''s a whole host of things to do. I think he is capable of more; that he can expand his horizons and find a job doing something completely different, but I can''t force him. I''m sure it''s that male ''thing'' in their head of making sure they can provide for their SO even though I should do ok in my future profession (we hope) It''s just the job security issue.

 

[MissAva]

It is tough to move and be uncertion. Has he moved alot in the pat? sometimes it is just scary...friends, stores, chruches all of these need to be refound and there is always the chance that it will just be too much. How great that he is talking to you about all of this. Good for him!

 

[nytemist]

I''m getting cautiously hopeful...

I was talking to BF last night. He usually isn''t up very late so it''s a nice suprise to talk to him when I get home from class. We were talking about little, general stuff and there was a pause. He says ''well... so, I thought about this ealier. Have you thought about what style ring you''re interested in?''

After picking myself off the floor, I said to him ''I didn''t know that I should be looking. Last year you said I had no say and you were going to surprise me.''
He says, ''Well, you will be the one wearing it- you have to like it.''
Me: ''Do I get to pick the stone too?''
Him: ''Definately.''
Me: ''Well, I guess that will start looking into that in the next month or so. We can start looking and...''
He interrupts: ''No, no, no- you let me know what you like and that''s it. I''m not telling you were I''m going to have it made, or when you will have it, but let me know. I said it would happen this year, remember?''

So despite all the stress of this year and the stress to come, I''m feeling a little tingly about the thought of him making plans to do this. I suspect he''s going to use the jeweler his sister used (and I don''t know who or where)
Hmmmmm, I''m thinking I may be browsing the Whiteflash site?

 

[MissAva]

Congrat NYT sounds like things are moving in the right direction!

 

[Croí]

nytemist
I am SO THRILLED for you with your communication break-through and the fact that it really does seem to have made a big difference to your SO and how he is thinking and what he is thinking about.

VERY exciting about the ring !!!

I wish you all the luck in the world - keep us posted !
C

 

[icekid]

wow, great news

sounds like your man is finally getting his head together!!