**** THING 2 of 2 ***** ahoy there!

[Independent Gal]

You're an identical twin, right? I don't know how often you peek over at those prego type threads, but I'm expecting identical twins in late Jan or early Feb.

I used to live with a woman who has an identical twin, but she's the only one I really know. So I'm wondering if you can tell me anything that might be helpful in terms of pitfalls to avoid with identicals... e.g., dressing them alike: cool or not cool? sharing a room? things you wish your parents had done differently, stuff I should be aware of... anything that might help me. I've heard that there are developmental issues that are special to identicals and I'd love to hear from a person who's actually been through the drill, not some psychologist, if you know what I mean.

Thanks in advance!

 

[tiffanytwisted]

I know a pair of identical twins who are in their 60''s and still dress exactly alike.

 

[iheartscience]

Hi Indy Gal! I''m about to run out to soccer practice but I just saw this! I''ll post all about twin stuff in a few hours!

 

[jewelerman]

I have a twin sister and even though we are male/female we are very close.I agree that there is a balance between promoting differences and comminalities...dont go to extremes one way or the other...being a twin is a great gift and they need to reconize that as much as their individuality.It is part of that identity of who they are...make sure that you, as parents give them equal time and attention that are both together and also one on one from both parents.Attention,gifts and time shown one twin may be viewed as favoritism by the other.When we would fight, my mother would say that we shoulnt fight because we wanted to be together so badly that God sent us down from heaven togerther rather then seperate us...we believed that until we were about 10 and then the gloves were off... LOL... You are lucky to being having twins!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 7/26/2008 1:30:52 PM
Author: jewelerman
I have a twin sister and even though we are male/female we are very close.I agree that there is a balance between promoting differences and comminalities...dont go to extremes one way or the other...being a twin is a great gift and they need to reconize that as much as their individuality.It is part of that identity of who they are...make sure that you, as parents give them equal time and attention that are both together and also one on one from both parents.Attention,gifts and time shown one twin may be viewed as favoritism by the other.When we would fight, my mother would say that we shoulnt fight because we wanted to be together so badly that God sent us down from heaven togerther rather then seperate us...we believed that until we were about 10 and then the gloves were off... LOL... You are lucky to being having twins!

Funny.

 

[ladypirate]

My sisters are identical twins and are super close--they lived in different locations for the first time this year when they studied abroad (they go to the same college).

They always shared a room growing up and would share clothes, but rarely dress alike. I know one thing my mom worked really hard to avoid was them developing their own twin language--she spent a lot of time reading to them and engaging them outside of each other. As adults they share a lot of interests, but they also have separate ones (they''re different majors at school, for instance.)

If you like, I could ask my mom what some of her other strategies were. Congratulations, again! Are you going to find out whether they''re boys or girls?

 

[Lexie]

I'm not an identical twin, but I am a fraternal twin.. and I could address a few of your questions, seeing as though some of the issues are similar, albeit slightly different. As far as some background is concerned, I'm a minute older than my twin sister, we're both currently 24, and we naturally have some physical similarities that would establish us as sisters, but I was always the taller of the two (which seemed to confuse people, since I guess all twins are supposed to look exactly the same? Ha!)

First of all, I still have mixed feelings about having been dressed alike. My mom was way into getting us similar/coordinating outfits, probably because it made things easier for her. Most people thought that it was rather adorable, and I suppose it made for some cute pictures. The aspect that I did enjoy about wearing the same clothes was that it established the both of us as twins, and as younger kids, we both enjoyed the attention that it garnered us (we were special! we were unique!) As we got older though, it kind of got annoying and the novelty wore off. In fact, I think that it might have hindered our ability to establish our own identities and to be our own person, so to speak. A few other factors contributed to that though (ie: going to the same school)

My sister and I went to the same school from kindergarten through 8th grade (small, private all-girls school). From the very beginning, my sister and I were labeled as one entity/unit. We were always in different classes throughout each grade level, and managed to maintain our own separate group of friends, but at the end of the day, we were "The (last name) Twins." We were constantly compared to each other, and the pressure/competition was overwhelming. Although we were both in many similar extra-curricular activities as little kids (ie: tap, jazz, ballet, piano, choir, etcetera), we did begin to differentiate ourselves because of our interests and talents (me - sports, acting, and singing, her - art and ballet) and our personalities (we are complete opposites). We finally did go to separate high schools, and I think that it really helped us to grow and become independent, but our relationship began to suffer as a result. Things did eventually get better, and then we went our separate ways yet again for college.

We both shared a room up until we left for college. The room was big enough to where we could have our own space, and each side of it was decorated to our own liking. There were times while we were in high school where we thought that it'd be nice if we each had our own room and privacy, but in the long run, it wasn't a big issue

What else? Hm.. well, my Mom has always maintained that she had a difficult time bonding with us. As babies, my sister and I definitely had a special relationship, and we were content being in our own little world; therefore, my Mom felt very excluded and sad that we didn't really need her. To this day, our bond is still stronger than the one that we have with her (partly due to our awesome twin connection, but also because of some other issues.)

All in all, I have enjoyed being a twin. Sure, it has had its ups and downs, but such is life. I think that my parents did the best job that they could. I think you're lucky that you're having them in this day and age because there is probably a lot more information out regarding how to raise twins, and I think that a lot more people are more accustomed to their existence due to their rising number and prevalence due to IVF treatments and advanced maternal age.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks for sharing your story Jewelerman!

LadyPirate, I would love it if you could talk to your mom for me! Also, if you could talk to your sisters about their experiences, that would be great - is there anything that they would have done differently had they been the parents and not the kids? That kind of thing. Thanks so much!

Thing 2, can''t wait to hear from you!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks Lexie, that''s helpful. I''m inclined against dressing them alike (I think it''s kind of cheesy actually! But I wondered if the twins themselves like it?) And I was thinking about starting them in different activities and working toward having them develop separate identities, but then I might worry that they might WANT to be together all the time.

I''m just starting to learn about this stuff. Hopefully, there is some research, and hopefully I''ll get lots more great feedback from y''all and from my ID twin friend. Then, I guess every baby and every pair of babies is different so there will probably some go with the flow too.

 

[iheartscience]

Okay, I''m back! First of all, congratulations! Twins are the best! Okay, forgive me if I ramble! Here goes:

I''m actually a fraternal twin! However, we do look fairly similar and most people believe we are identical twins, including the researchers who ran a twin study we were in starting at around age 10. A lot of people couldn''t tell us apart, and some people still can''t, although those are obviously people we don''t know very well. We''re the same height, we both have brown hair and brown eyes and we''re about the same build. (The researchers actually didn''t believe my mom when she said we were fraternal, so they ran a DNA test and it confirmed that we''re not identical, which of course my mom knew.)

My mother was a big believer in having us develop our own identities and she read books about how to do that after she had us. (Her doctor actually didn''t think she was having twins so she didn''t get medical confirmation that she was having twins until a week before she had us when she switched doctors! However, my mom pretty much knew she was pregnant with twins because we were her 4th pregnancy and she was bigger than before, and twins run in her family.)

I''m the B twin, and B twins are typically feistier than the A twin because they have to fight for food in the womb! That definitely holds true for me and my sister! I was smaller than my sister when I was born and I was actually born breech and had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, so I almost died. I was in an incubator for 10 days after I was born and was too weak to breastfeed, so I like to say that me and my sister are proof that if a mom can''t breastfeed her baby, the kid will still turn out just fine...depending on your definition of fine!

We were not dressed alike once we were old enough to realize what we were wearing, and even when we were babies, if we were dressed alike, we wore different colors. (I''m the red twin and my sister is the blue twin!) From what my mom has told me, research shows that dressing twins alike isn''t that healthy for them once they can realize they''re dressed alike. It hinders their ability to develop separate identities. Our names don''t rhyme, although they do sound good together. I''m sure you wouldn''t give your twins rhyming names, but that''s also obviously a big no no for twins.

We were involved in a lot of activities together, but it was because we both wanted to do them. We played soccer together from age 5, but once we got to middle school, my sister got into horses so she actually stopped soccer for a while and rode horses while I continued playing soccer and moved into more competitive leagues. We also played field hockey together from age 13, but again, we both wanted to play.

My mom and dad never compared us as far as grades, athletic ability, looks, etc. Again, something I''m sure you would never do, but I know some twins who were compared, and I can only imagine how hard that must be for them. Of course other people referred to us as the "Thing Twins," but I think that''s inevitable, and it didn''t bother me. We were very, very close as kids, and my twin sister was actually extremely shy, so she would whisper in my ear and I would basically speak for her if there was anyone but our immediate family around.

We were put in separate classes at my mom''s request when we started kindergarten, and we stayed in separate classes until about 5th grade when schools here start having actual class periods and different teachers for each subject. Then we both started being in some of the same classes. (I went to fairly small schools so there was usually only one advanced math class, one AP English class, etc.)

We did share a room for several years, until we were about 7 or 8, I think. However, my older brothers had to share a room for a while, too, so it wasn''t just because we were twins. I never minded sharing a room with her, either. Once my oldest brother moved out we each got our own rooms and I remember that we were excited but also a little sad.

We played together all the time, but we played with other kids also, and developed separate friendships pretty early on. We had and still have very different personalities, so we were drawn to pretty different types of people. My mom encouraged us to have different friends, so although we did share some friends, once we got to probably 4th or 5th grade we had mostly separate play dates and friends.

We did end up going to the same college, although we applied to different schools also. However, we are very similar in many ways, and the school we went to really fit us both better than any other school would have. We had separate majors and I think we only had one class together the entire time we were in school. We lived in separate dorms our freshmen year, and did live in a house with other people our sophomore year, but that didn''t work out well (we fought A LOT!) and we haven''t lived together since.

What else...I have read that multiples develop a bit more slowly than other kids, probably because they''re getting half the time with a parent that a single kid would get. However, my mom made sure that we got lots of attention and time with her, and we both could read by age 4. My mom told me that I talked first and my sister walked first, but once one of us did something, the other did it shortly after.

My sister and I are still very close (she actually lives in the same apartment building as me and my fiance) and we hang out regularly, although we still have separate friends and interests. She''s good friends with my fiance (they''re like brother and sister) and they do a lot of stuff together, too, which I think is awesome. I love being a twin so much, and I obviously can''t even imagine not being one! If I ever had a kid, I would LOVE to have twins!

Alright, enough of my rambling! Please let me know if you have any questions for me about anything! (Or if you have any questions for my mom-I can call her and ask her stuff, too!)

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 7/26/2008 2:12:38 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Thanks for sharing your story Jewelerman!


LadyPirate, I would love it if you could talk to your mom for me! Also, if you could talk to your sisters about their experiences, that would be great - is there anything that they would have done differently had they been the parents and not the kids? That kind of thing. Thanks so much!


Thing 2, can''t wait to hear from you!

I have nothing to report, other than to say that you are going to be awesome twin mama, Indy!

 

[jewelerman]

Thing2,
I guess im the fiesty B twin...born first but smaller (we were 3 months early and we weighed 5 pounds togather...me 2 pounds her three pounds...i was in the hospital for 2 months being brought home in a shoe box...seriously) most of our life i was the opininated out going one and she was shy and held back...when she got married and having children she became very confident and more assertive.she used to write me letters of apolagy when we fought even if it was my fault.My mom tried the dress alike shirt thing twice for school picture (first and second grade)with no problem...we were seperated in kindergarden classes and we wanted to be in the same class because all our friends were in that class and we wanted something in commom...as we got older we develped the ability to finish each others sentences and would write letters with exact sentences...we would phone each other at the exact same time...this stopped happening when she became married.for years i would buy us twin gifts from stores ive worked at, for our birthday...matching jewelry(we have heirloom gold bands that we have worn since we were in our late teens and when we were first sperated by church work or college) or things for our homes(lenex and wedgwood china that are ment to be future heirlooms for the kids)We both played with the same toys...tanka trucks,comic books or barbie dolls were equally fun and we were equally fine with both boys and girls as friends.We both enjoyed doing things with friends like baseball and snow mobiling...The family jokes because they say i got the jewelry gene and she got the fishing gene...interests that neither of us have in common. We do have sound alike names that ive never liked.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks so much for your sharing your experiences Thing 2 and Jewelerman, and thanks for the compliment LL! Boy do I feel nervous about mommying! But in a way it takes my mind off worrying about more immediate things, like having them born 3 months early like Jewelerman (though you turned out fine, didn''t you?). I gather they can work miracles these days in that department! In fact, I read that born after 30 weeks, the survival rate is 95%, with a disability rate of 10%. That''s pretty amazing.

OK, I''ll stop with the public fretting.

Thing 2, it''d be great if you could ask your mom if she has any advice for me! I''d love that!

I''m so happy that my babies will have someone extra special to be close to, come what may in life.

 

[iheartscience]

You''re welcome! My mom''s out of town until tonight but when she gets back I''ll give her a call and ask her for tips!

Also, I forgot to mention that me and my sister were full term twins-we were born 1 day before our due date. You can definitely carry twins full term, too...so try not to get too bogged down in worrying about numbers! (Said the worrier who will most likely be overwhelmed with anxiety for the entire 40 weeks if she ever gets preggo!

)

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 7/27/2008 9:55:35 AM
Author: thing2of2
You're welcome! My mom's out of town until tonight but when she gets back I'll give her a call and ask her for tips!


Also, I forgot to mention that me and my sister were full term twins-we were born 1 day before our due date. You can definitely carry twins full term, too...so try not to get too bogged down in worrying about numbers! (Said the worrier who will most likely be overwhelmed with anxiety for the entire 40 weeks if she ever gets preggo!

)

Most definitely--my sisters were born full term as well. Also, they were born naturally rather than through a c-section, so that's certainly possible. I think they were around 6.8 and 7.3 pounds--HUGE for twins.

I'll give my mom & sisters a call today and see what I can find out for you.

 

[Independent Gal]

You''re a sweety, LadyP!

 

[jewelerman]

Gal,
I hope i didnt worry you about carrying to full term...my mother didnt know she was carrying twins.So please dont worry about not going to full term...today doctors and medical care is so much better then in the past and people are more aware of how to take care of their bodies...and you can talk any time about your twins on the forum...we are interested!

 

[diamondfan]

My uncles are identical twins, nearing 80!

My cousin has fraternal girl twins.

I would say, no names that rhyme, but that sound okay together ie both biblical or both funky but not one of each unless they work. I think it would be weird to have Calliope and Fred if that makes sense.

I would not dress them alike, and as they start to develop style sense, allow them their freedom in a tasteful way. They might like some things in common, but maybe encourage them to have some way to be different in their choices.

Most schools will separate twins if they have more than one class for the grade. It is highly encouraged.

Twins share a deep and special bond. They are wombmates after all (had to do it!) but I think as a parent, while that closeness is wonderful, you do still want to help them differentiate in a healthy way. It does not take away from their closeness and helps them tremendously.

I love the research on twins who were adopted out at birth by different families. I think it is beyond fascinating.

 

[ladypirate]

I have promises from sisters & mom to call me back tonight, so I should have some tidbits by tomorrow!

ETA: I agree with DiamondFan that names that work together are nice--my sisters' names both start with S, but one is Sh and one is just S, so they don't sound too alike.

 

[ladypirate]

OK, just got off the phone. I''m going to post this basically straight from my notes, so it will be in the first person. Also, my mom was much more helpful than my sisters--I don''t think they really knew what to offer by way of advice (and they have a weird sense of humor). I hope this helps!

From my mom:

Congratulations! Having twins is a tremendous gift. People always used to tell me they were sorry I was having twins, but I always felt it was such a wonderful thing. Don''t listen if anyone tells you that. It''s fabulous and a wonderful gift.

I sometimes dressed them similarly when they were really little, but I didn''t make it really "twinny". Most of the time I let them pick out their own clothes.

It''s good to read up, but most of it comes down to common sense. You want them to feel loved but not like they''re the same person. Everyone wants to be their own person and even though it can be cute to lump them together, you want to let them develop on their own. Sometimes I think people go too far the other way, separating them at every opportunity, putting them in different classes, etc. I don''t think that''s necessary.

There''s a lot more information out there than there used to be. The Minnesota Twin Study place has a lot of information. Also, there are a lot of good books out there--I think the ones written by actual twins are really good.

I was very careful about speaking to them individually by name a lot because I read that twins can develop their own language and I didn''t want that to happen. [Side note--she also mentioned that she was careful about doing that with me as well, though, so it wasn''t just because of that. She thinks that being super verbal with us as babies is one of the reasons we''re all very verbal people now. She''s not a believer in baby talk

]

I wish I could think of something more profound. The biggest thing is just don''t worry--it''ll be all right. Also, don''t let people convince you of things that go against your gut. Trust your instincts.

Again, congratulations--it''s a real gift.

From Sister 1:

Don''t dress them the same. Most of it is just common sense.

From Sister 2:

It''s gonna be fine, you''re gonna raise some kids. Mazel tov and the best of luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

LadyP, please pass on a big ol'' ''THANKS!'' from me to your sisters and your mom. And a big thanks to you too!

You know what? I''m kind of worried, sure, but I''m DARN EXCITED too! Twins does feel like a special blessing, even though it comes with some scary threats to the babies health.

Diamondfan, I love the research on separated twins too! I remember learning about it in high school. Now I think I''ll brush up!

 

[Harriet]

IG,
I didn''t know you were expecting. Congratulations!

 

[applequeen]

Hi There .... Identical twin here with a few words of advice...so forgive me while I jump up on my soapbox

... sorry... this could get long.

I think it's probably a lot easier for twins growing up now than it was when my sister and I were not so very long ago (we're 30) and some of my experiences may have been due to the fact that we lived in a small, very rural community. My parent's always encouraged us to be individuals however it seemed like everyone around us expected us to be the same. Until we were in high school most of the other kids called us "twin", "the twin", etc. Even our closest friends called us that. Can you imagine what that is like... to know you're different and yet the majority of people can't/ won't see it. My sister and I have very distinct personalities and it is (and always has been) pretty easy for people to tell us apart because of that. My parents dressed us alike until we were in 2nd grade. My sister and I were having an argument about what outfit to wear that day and my mother sat us down and explained that we didn't have to dress alike. We always tried our best to show that we were total opposites ... I sometimes wonder what our "true" personalities would have been had we not had to "create" our seperate personas. I guess it's the whole nature vs. nurture thing.

We went to the same (smallish) college but then went our seperate ways for graduate schools. It was then that we were both finally able to just be ourselves and we're much closer now as a result of it. We actually talk to each other on the phone and plan trips to see each other (we live about 8 hours away from each other).

I've probably made it sound like we hated each other for most of our lives but that's totally not the case. We love each other very much and have a bond and a closeness that I really can't explain. I think my parents did a great job with us. They let us be together when we wanted to and let us be seperate when we wanted to. We shared a room when we were young (until we were probably 10 or so) but as soon as we wanted seperate rooms we got them. I am so grateful to them for never forcing us to be the same. We were in the same class until 6th grade (elementary school) but seperate after that (although we did have some classes together since we were in honors and AP classes and they were only taught at one time).

So my advice is to follow their lead, let them develop just as you would any other child but keep in mind that there are special forces at play here. Everywhere you go people will stare and make comments like "look at the twins... they look just alike" ... GRRRR (sorry). It's sort of like living in a neverending freak show

Even now I still have a little bit of a complex when my sister and I go places together. I think that dressing them alike (while very cute) is not the best idea because it presents the image that they are a "pair".. like a set of bookends or a pair of shoes. Save the dressing alike for special occasions, pictures, etc. My sister and I also have rhyming names which I really think hurt us when we tried to get people to learn to tell us apart.

I am so grateful to my parents for the job they did raising us. There were other sets of twins in our school whose parents were of the "they came together they'll stay together" mentality and one set of those STILL dresses alike, lives at home, etc. (they are completly unable to break free).

I hope I haven't been too harsh and to be honest I've probably only focused on the bad side of things. I didn't mention the fact that my sister and I always had someone to play with and that I have someone that I know I can always turn to. It's a closeness that is beyond even what i have with my husband (which doesn't downplay what I have with him in any way). It's like we've always known each other... since even before birth. All the teambuilding activities in the world can't teach someone teamwork and compromise like being a twin can.

We don't read each other's minds or anything like that ( I don't telepathically know that she's had a bad day) but I can't say that there aren't twins that can do that sort of thing. I didn't think twice about driving 8 hours so I could help my sister move (not that she really needed the help) and she didn't think twice about returning the favor to come help me work on my house a couple of months ago.

I think you're going to do great as a twin mom because you are already concerned with finding out all you can about these little issues. I think that's half the battle for the kids...having parents who champion their children's individuality.

OK.. .so now I'm stepping back down from my soapbox.

... and I have to say that reading the other responses has been a little theraputic for me

P.S. My sister and I probably look more alike now than we ever have and have some great stories about running into people that know the other twin in random places (I ran into a group of her friends in a bar on vacation, she ran into my boss (very random) at a resturaunt when he was in her city for a meeting). We're to the point now where we can actually share a good laugh about it. We don't usually think to mention to people that we have a twin (I usually just refer to her as "my sister") so it can catch people off guard.


BTW... as far as heath concerns (this isn't meant to scare you...just the opposite in fact). My sister and I were born 2 months early. I only weighed 3 lbs and she weighed a little more (she was born first.. .she's the alpha twin). We stayed in incubators for the first month of our life but... after that we were totally healthy... all through childhood and now as adults. If that can happen in the 70's just imagine how much better things are now.