the other "M" word

[JenStone]

Not marriage, but money....

I know money can be a taboo subject, but how financially secure were/will you and your SO be when getting engaged?

My boyfriend and I were talking about this the other day. He says that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. However, he sometimes wonders if we should wait longer until he''s making more money to tie the knot.

Again, his parents come into play. They have mentioned to him more than once that they would like to see him making at least $100k/year before he gets married. They also want him to have enough money in savings to buy a house and pay for the wedding of their dreams before he pops the question. They wouldn''t oppose to our getting married next year (which is what we hope to do) but they prefer that we wait a few more years, when all this is possible.

My boyfriend and I both make decent money. Neither of us have hit the $100k/yr mark yet but our combined income is certainly well above that amount. We don''t live the high life but we certainly can afford the little luxury goods and vacations here and there, which I''m totally happy with.

I think that if you''ve found someone you love and want to marry, and you''re financially independent from your parents (as we both are), getting married now shouldn''t be a problem - correct?

 

[JenStone]

I want to add that he''s not seriously considering this; he just mentioned that he thinks about it once in a while when the subject of money comes up.

 

[Independent Gal]

I never quite understood this. If the couple is SERIOUSLY struggling, money can be a big strain and stress on the relationship, and it might make sense to wait.

But if you''re both working and making a very comfortable living, then why wait? Sure, things could be more comfortable, but why not get there TOGETHER?

The only thing that sometimes crosses my mind is that I have a lot more assets than my guy, and occasionally, I feel a little resentful because while I was scrupulously saving to buy my place, he was drinking good wines and eating the best cuts of meat at nice restaurants. He has since changed his spending habits, and I know this won''t be a problem for us going forward, but when I think how much easier things would havae been (in terms of getting a bigger place, etc) if he had saved like I did, sometimes it makes me frown.

But we''ll only be struggling for a few years, and why not struggle together, rather than meet on the other side? It''s not like we''ll be in SERIOUS, stress causing financial struggle, just saving for a bigger nest for our nestlings.

It may be cultural, but I don''t understand why you two should wait, Jen. If you''re ready emotionally, and he''s ready emotionally, that''s all you really need.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Some people are savers and some people are spenders. The best you can hope for is to grow into some sort of spend/save compromise. My bf and I are lucky in that he already owns a house and has paid off his loans. He also makes 3 times as much as I do now. However I have at least 100k in student loans (including grad school) and 15-20k in CC debt (living and going to school in Boston sux!!). So we have a little ways to go in terms of finding middle ground. Luckily we''re comfortable enough that he will be able to shoulder most of our basic living expenses so I can pay down some of my debt but that''s not without sacrifice. I am truly amazed at his generosity and not once in my life did I assume I''d have someone to help me like this. The areas we''re going to have to cut back on are weddings, cars, and vacations. We''re not even considering starting a family until at least the CC debt is paid off. Our parents are not involved in our lives in terms of money and expectations. We''re lucky in that all they want is for us to be happy. They don''t have preconceived notions of what each of us should bring to the relationship. I think what also helps is that we both came from very similar backgrounds. We''ve seen what our mothers went through in terms of making mistakes and as a result struggling to make ends meet, so we try our best to not make those same mistakes, or if we do (hello cc debt) to learn from them.

 

[JenStone]

Date: 5/7/2007 4:21:02 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I never quite understood this. If the couple is SERIOUSLY struggling, money can be a big strain and stress on the relationship, and it might make sense to wait.


But if you''re both working and making a very comfortable living, then why wait? Sure, things could be more comfortable, but why not get there TOGETHER?


The only thing that sometimes crosses my mind is that I have a lot more assets than my guy, and occasionally, I feel a little resentful because while I was scrupulously saving to buy my place, he was drinking good wines and eating the best cuts of meat at nice restaurants. He has since changed his spending habits, and I know this won''t be a problem for us going forward, but when I think how much easier things would havae been (in terms of getting a bigger place, etc) if he had saved like I did, sometimes it makes me frown.


But we''ll only be struggling for a few years, and why not struggle together, rather than meet on the other side? It''s not like we''ll be in SERIOUS, stress causing financial struggle, just saving for a bigger nest for our nestlings.


It may be cultural, but I don''t understand why you two should wait, Jen. If you''re ready emotionally, and he''s ready emotionally, that''s all you really need.

Exactly what I told him! I know money is the #1 reason married couples fight, and although I like to believe that love conquers all, love also can be easier if you''re not struggling financially.

Like I said, we don''t live the luxury life and I admit that sometimes I get sad when we need to make certain sacrifices. And I know that we probably need to make more sacrifices to help pay for our wedding, to save up money to buy our first place together, etc. But I''d rather do that while married to him.

 

[kcoursolle]

Wait until you make 100k a year?!!! Wow, that would be a long wait for me LOL!!

I think what is more important beyond how stable your financial situation is... is whether you and fi match on your future plans and how you spend/save money.

If a couple is committed to each other, I see nothing wrong with struggling together. Pooling resources and using economies of scale can actually help and increase savings in the long run. However, I can definitely see the argument of waiting to be economically stable before having children. Children require many resources and these days college savings are going to have to be huge for future children.

 

[Independent Gal]

Why do couples fight about money?

1) They have different priorities (she wants a diamond upgrade, he wants a boat)

2) They have different spending habits (she tries to save, he spends them into debt)

3) They really don''t have ENOUGH money to make ends meet, which means they are both very stressed which makes them fight.

I''m sure every couple encounters 1) sometimes, and it''s how you deal with it, how you compromise that makes that a fight or not. 2 won''t change with ''more time'' only with conscious effort on both sides. And it seems you''ve got enough to make 3) not an issue.

I read about a study somwhere that looked at the link between money and happiness, and apparently, there''s a threshold of something like 135K up to which having more money does seem to lead to more contentment, but beyond which money apparently makes no difference. In other words, once there''s enough for a comfortable, even if not lavish life, the extra brings ''pleasure'' but not ''happiness''. I guess that''s the point at which money, on average, stops being a stress in the 3) sense. Know what I mean? So if you''re at the comfortable point, and if 1) and 2) aren''t problems what would you be fighting over?

Tell that man of yours to stop making excuses!

 

[neatfreak]

Personally, I think if money wasn't such a taboo subject in this country we might have less debt in this country!!!

But more on topic...

FI and I are both Ph.D. students. We have no major debts, (I have about $5,000 in student loans from financing non-profit summer internships), we both have some savings (as well as some mutual savings), I have some mutual funds, and together we make less than $50,000 a year right now.

We live perfectly comfortably for us and do pretty well considering we're graduate students, but we certainly are not living luxuriously. We both drive 10 year old cars, we only go out to nice restaurants on special occasions, etc. We just make our priorities right now and scrimp in other areas.

But we are still getting married this fall (with a wedding budget of about $5,000 total) because we want to. We want to be there for each other, and we figure that we might as well get as many breaks as possible for being married while we're poor!!! We know we're getting married, so there's no point for us to wait. But then again I didn't need a big ring and we didn't need a big fancy wedding either. If those things are important, then it makes sense to wait until you can afford them, otherwise, go for it!

I don't think that it's necessary to wait until you're secure. I mean it will be another 3 years before we finish our Ph.D.s, then figure another few years to get some serious cash saved towards a house. By then, FI will be 35 or so already. What exactly would be the point of waiting to get married? So then we can get married and not have time to enjoy ourselves before we start having kids? No thanks.

I think if you can make it through the hard financial times together it will teach you both valuable lessons to be utilized later in life. Unless there are big expenses related to the wedding that you are unwilling to compromise on, I don't see a point in waiting.

 

[sarahthewarrior]

Like Neatfreak, we''re both struggling students, and we''re still going to get engaged soon. We don''t plan on living beyond our means, and currently we have no debt. While I would like to be able to save a little cash for a bigger wedding than what we probably will have, it''s just not worth it in the long run. The way I see it, I''m not waiting until I''ve finished my PhD and am already in a tenure-track position to get engaged--that will be years!!!

Plus, boyfriend is getting antsy, as I''m actually making him wait until the honeymoon...

 

[boston_jeff]

Date: 5/7/2007 4:06:50 PM
Author:JenStone
They also want him to have enough money in savings to buy a house and pay for the wedding of their dreams before he pops the question. They wouldn''t oppose to our getting married next year (which is what we hope to do) but they prefer that we wait a few more years, when all this is possible.

Did I read this right? The wedding of their dreams? As in, the wedding of your BF''s PARENTS dreams? They want you to wait so you can afford the wedding of their dreams? This is so over the top I have to imagine it is a typo or I am misunderstanding what you wrote. This is YOUR wedding, so for them to even express their desire for you to change your life and wait YEARS to get married just so the wedding suits them is mind-boggling. It would be one thing if they wanted you to wait so that you could have the wedding of YOUR dreams.

It sounds to me that your future in-laws have a very skewed view of their ability to dictate your life, and it would serve you well to set the tone now that you and your BF are starting your own family and are going to make the decisions that are best for you, not for them. They clearly think that they can influence your major life decisions by witholding their appproval until you do what they think is ideal (for them, or what they think is best for you, it doesn''t really matter, although the former is worse). It appears that your BF is a little vulnerable to this influence, as well, because otherwise he would have been offended/shocked or would have simply ignored his parent''s suggestion. Instead he brought it up with you as if it had any validity at all. I would be concerned that this problem is only going to get worse with your future in-laws before it gets better, so it would be best for you to make sure you and your BF are on the same page now.

I''m a young guy, and I know that life is not as simple as we''d like, but to me this is simple. Your wedding, your life.

 

[Gwyn]

I think another factor here is where you live. Making 100K in a place like my hometown is unheard of (small town in newengland) A decent salary there would be more like 50-60K.

I think if you are both financially independent from your parents then they shouldn''t even be questioning your financial situation in regard to your marriage.

Second, you dont have to have a nest egg and retirement plan to get married. I don''t think you should go into debt to get married either. If you can live and have a wedding within your means and everythign else feels right then I would go for it.

For reference about my security, my fiance does make 6 figures, now that he just got a raise, but we started looking and rings and planning our engagement when he made around 80k.

I make crap for a living It was one of my stipulations about moving out here with him, i wanted a job I could love and not have to worry about my salary.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think as long as the couple is ready to marry and managing to live independently from their parents, then it should actually save money for them to get married, have one place to live, etc. We got married at 21 when my husband still had another semester of college and I was starting to teach. We didn''t have an elaborate wedding, but we had family and close friends which is all I care about. I see no income requirements for marriage other than to have a roof over your head and enough left to pay the bills and for food. The $100,000 figure blows my mind unless you live in Beverly Hills or somewhere like that! Or maybe he is a surgeon or else much older than you!

 

[musey]

I agree with diamondseeker. Really all you need is to be self-sufficient, I've never understood the logic where you need to make X amount and have X chickens in a row before considering marriage... what's the difference? I currently live with my boyfriend, we share expenses and are very financially responsible BUT our income still comes largely from our parents (for a variety of reasons, mostly because both of us are still somewhat students, won't get into it here

) but will be financially on our own by the wedding.

I even know some people who have gotten married even before becoming financially independent, and their parents didn't see a problem with it (as far as I could tell). I wouldn't personally jump up and down for this option, but hey, to each his own

 

[JenStone]

Thanks everyone for replying and sharing your own experiences/opinions.

Boston_Jeff - no that wasn''t a typo: they really want him to save for the wedding of THEIR dreams. Unfortunately his parents (well, more like his mother) are pretty demanding when it comes to this and this isn''t the first time they did or say something along this line. Fortunately, my boyfriend has gotten A LOT better about them and although their comments do make him doubt himself sometimes, nowadays he talks it over with me and we usually end up laughing about it afterward. We will be working on his relationship with his parents during our couples counseling.

Regarding the location question, we''re in NYC. Among our circle of friends (who are mostly bankers, attorneys, doctors), we probably make the least amount of money. I know it''s not good to compare but it CAN be tough to be the only ones not able to that trip to Lake Tahoe, etc.

We both have student loans left and a bit of CC debt (leftover from my careless college spending spree days...but I''m happy to say that everything will be paid off in a couple of months!) which isn''t too unreasonable for people our age, I would think.

 

[bee*]

I dont agree with them for advising you guys to wait until he earns over 100k a year! Once you are self sufficient and can manage what you are spending and saving, I think you should go ahead with it. D and I dont have any real debt. I have a small car loan which will be cleared by this time next year. I worked for two years after I finished college so when I returned last september I have already paid my fees and have worked part time this year also so I have enough to pay for next year and Im hoping to do the same for the next four years until I finish. D is working and has plenty saved for a deposit on a house but we are holding off because of the housing situation in Dublin at the moment. So luckily at the moment we can provide for ourselves, can afford our e-ring and we have some money already saved for a wedding

 

[NYCsparkle]

Tell his parents that if they want the wedding of their dreams, then THEY can pay for it...lol....does he take them seriously? living in ny is hard enough without the added strain of demanding in-laws.....100k?!? are they nuts?--why should you wait for happiness, life is too short...live, enjoy, and be happy with what you''ve got

eventually you will get to where you want to be financially--together...you sound like you both have a good head on your shoulders and you will reach your financial goals. he should tell his parents to but out of your financial life unless they have something to contribute.

 

[Aloros]

100K? Hm. I wouldn't wait for that. I think that as long as you two are self-sufficient, go ahead and get married! I think it's silly to wait for a certain salary number to fulfill his parents' dreams if you two are ready to get married now. If they're so invested in the wedding, they can contribute the amount that will make it their dream wedding.

Personally, both my bf and I make a decent living. We both rent our own places and are both looking to buy property in the next couple years. We both have the money to buy fun items and to take vacations. I'd imagine if/when we get engaged (too soon for that still!) we'd maybe be slightly better off? I'm on my own, I have my own place, I make my own money, I have no debt...I'm ready at this point when I've found the right guy and have dated him for long enough.

I'd say do it! You want to spend the rest of your lives together, why wait?

 

[Pandora II]

FI and I have no debt bar the mortgage on our house. We both have good jobs. pension schemes and savings accounts.

We both also come from very similar backgrounds - which I find helps a lot.

For me it was very important that my future husband was good with money and had the capability of earning enough to allow us to have all the things we desire in life. I''m not talking Ferraris and yachts here, but I would like the option of private education for our kids.

I spent 7 years living with a man from a very different background than my own. He drank like a fish, was always in debt and endlessly borrowed or stole money from me. Yes, I was a fool - but I was also scared what would happen if I wasn''t there to pick up the pieces. In the end I did leave, and he killed himself shortly after. I am now very wary of anyone with addiction problems or who doesn''t have a good financial track record. I just find it so much easier and love the thought that I will never lie awake at night worrying about paying the bills again.

Obviously things can always go wrong - illness, redundancy etc, but I know FI has a built-in safety net and I really respect him for it.

I don''t think you need to be earning 100K, but you do need to know that the mortgage, bills and groceries will all be bought every week and some left over to have some fun and to put away just in case.

 

[allycat0303]

Jenstone,

Ok in all honesty, it sounds from many of your posts that you and your fiance are having lots of issues about money. His parents needing it from him, if you should wait until he can afford the dream ring, and how you are going to afford the wedding. So it seems to me that you relationship DOES have a problem with money. It seems there''s a lot of resentement from you about his parents demands on his finances, and I definitely think this IS a problem. I don''t think it has anything to do with how much you make, or he makes. Many people make a lot less and they don''t have a problem. And many people make a lot more and have money problems. I think it''s all in the sentiment concerning spending habits etc.

For example if I gave my parents 1/2 of salary (for the rest of my life), my guy wouldn''t care. He understands what it is to me and accepts it. If my guy gave 1/2 of his salary to his parents, I wouldn''t care. If he spent 1/8 th of his salary gambling, I WOULD have a problem with it. I think it''s really important to have shared values on money, where it should be spent, on who, what etc. Or else it DOES become a problem, and I can see very much that it''s the number 1 cause of divorce.

 

[JenStone]

Date: 5/8/2007 6:56:25 PM
Author: allycat0303
Jenstone,


Ok in all honesty, it sounds from many of your posts that you and your fiance are having lots of issues about money. His parents needing it from him, if you should wait until he can afford the dream ring, and how you are going to afford the wedding. So it seems to me that you relationship DOES have a problem with money. It seems there''s a lot of resentement from you about his parents demands on his finances, and I definitely think this IS a problem. I don''t think it has anything to do with how much you make, or he makes. Many people make a lot less and they don''t have a problem. And many people make a lot more and have money problems. I think it''s all in the sentiment concerning spending habits etc.


For example if I gave my parents 1/2 of salary (for the rest of my life), my guy wouldn''t care. He understands what it is to me and accepts it. If my guy gave 1/2 of his salary to his parents, I wouldn''t care. If he spent 1/8 th of his salary gambling, I WOULD have a problem with it. I think it''s really important to have shared values on money, where it should be spent, on who, what etc. Or else it DOES become a problem, and I can see very much that it''s the number 1 cause of divorce.

Hi Ally,

I know you meant nothing but good and that you''re just looking out for my best interests. However, I couldn''t help but be a little saddened and discouraged by what you wrote. My philosophy has always been that I should never judge a couple''s relationship just from my point of view, because those two are the only ones who really know what they have between them. Of course, I would have to knock someone over the head if it was something very serious such as abuse. But just from what you wrote I felt like you were judging my relationship with my boyfriend.

I realize now that I hardly ever write about the good things in our relationship - I only write here about the bad, or when I have the occasional doubts. Maybe that is why our relationship doesn''t seem so solid to you (or others on PS)? But our relationship is great. We''re each others'' best friends. We have so much fun together. We can''t imagine our lives without the other. Believe me - if I didn''t think he was worth it, I would''ve bailed a long time ago.

Truthfully, I don''t think it''s a money problem. My boyfriend and I have very similar views on finances. We''ve already agreed that after we get married, we''ll both put 50% of our salaries into the same checking account for housing, groceries, bills, etc. Another percentage into a savings account. And the rest to spend as we each wish (so I can buy my occasional luxury handbags without feeling guilty, he can add to his entertainment system, etc). He has also agreed that any money for his parents would come from his personal account. We live comfortably now and we don''t see why we can''t continue to do so in the future. So as a whole, money isn''t too big of an issue for us

I think the only problem in our relationship is his parents (more specifically his mom). He''s had the money for a ring but he''s waiting to see if they need to borrow from him. They''re the ones who want a traditional Chinese wedding on top of a western one. They''re the ones who prefer that we wait to get married. But my boyfriend and I have been working on these issues and it''s gotten a lot better. And we will continue to work on it during couples counseling.

I know that family is a huge part of marriage and you can''t just ignore them. I wouldn''t be lying if I said that life would be SOOO much easier if his parents weren''t so difficult. But like I said, he''s worth it to me.

I really should write more about how wonderful our relationship is. I realize now that I''ve only been b*tchin and complaining. So it''s only natural that you (and others who didn''t speak up) would think otherwise.

I apologize if you didn''t mean any harm, or if I misinterpreted your message. And thank you for looking out for me.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hi Jenstone...

I don''t think Ally was judging your relationship...as you said, I think she meant well by it. I do actually agree with her - from your posts it does appear that you are frustrated when it comes to financial issues regarding your bf and his parents. You wouldn''t come to vent if you weren''t frustrated, yes?

It also seems to me that "your relationship does have a problem with money," as Ally said. Not that you both can''t figure out what to do with it...from your post it seems that you manage money just fine. But the problem is his parents, their expectations, and his responses. It seems to be causing somewhat of a issue between you both in terms of your engagement, wedding and future. It just concerns me that once you are married, you''re going to have a lot more headache than you bargained for...

But it''s great that you are going to counseling and you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders to take initiative and figure out how to make it work. I''m cheering for ya Jen!

 

[boston_jeff]

Date: 5/9/2007 3:55:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Hi Jenstone...


I don't think Ally was judging your relationship...as you said, I think she meant well by it. I do actually agree with her - from your posts it does appear that you are frustrated when it comes to financial issues regarding your bf and his parents. You wouldn't come to vent if you weren't frustrated, yes?


It also seems to me that 'your relationship does have a problem with money,' as Ally said. Not that you both can't figure out what to do with it...from your post it seems that you manage money just fine. But the problem is his parents, their expectations, and his responses. It seems to be causing somewhat of a issue between you both in terms of your engagement, wedding and future. It just concerns me that once you are married, you're going to have a lot more headache than you bargained for...


But it's great that you are going to counseling and you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders to take initiative and figure out how to make it work. I'm cheering for ya Jen!

As I wrote earlier, I don't think the problem here is about money per se, but rather about your FMIL's role/influence/negative impact on your relationship. In many cases this issue seems to manifest itself with respect to money-related matters, but I think the "money" issue is actually just a symptom of the actual problem, which is that your BF seems at least somewhat content to allow your FMIL to make ridiculous requests and demands (giving her the wedding of her dreams being the one I can't get out of my head). And even if that is not the case, and he is standing tall and making it clear that he is starting a new family with you and that you operate as a united front, the fact remains that your FMIL has been able to interject a tremendous amount of life-altering drama into your lives.

This does not mean that you do not have a good relationship, but it is something that you need to recognize is a problem that will only get worse unless it is nipped in the bud now.

 

[NYCsparkle]

Remember---if his mom is like this now, wait until after you are married---it''ll be 10x worse. good luck

 

[JenStone]

Date: 5/9/2007 7:36:47 PM
Author: NYCsparkle
Remember---if his mom is like this now, wait until after you are married---it''ll be 10x worse. good luck

Re: the wedding - his mother wants a Chinese wedding so badly because he''s the oldest son in his generation (so the first to carry down the family line). Not only would she get upset, but a lot of his relatives would as well. In addition, my boyfriend really wants a Chinese banquet as well, because it is what he grew up with back in Hong Kong. When he imagined himself getting married when he was younger, he imagined a Chinese wedding. He''s never even been exposed to a western wedding before coming to the states for college. However, the fact remains that my parents have graciously offered to pay for a large portion of the wedding. They don’t care what we do – they just want me to do what I want. My boyfriend understands that I want a western wedding so he’s agreed to that and told his parents as well. Although they would love a full-blown Chinese wedding banquet, they accept that it will not happen. We will probably be having a small Chinese reception/banquet soonafter the wedding, which he will pay for. And I have no problem with that, because it is what he really wants to do.

Re: the money for the engagement ring – obviously I was upset that I would need to wait longer. But they had been struggling with this for years and only came to him as a last resort. After giving it much thought, I know that if I were in his shoes, I would’ve done the same thing.

Re: his parents suggesting we wait longer to wed – they said they would prefer that we wait longer, but they said if it’s what we really want, they will have no problem with us getting married earlier. My boyfriend has admitted that the thought did creep into his head, but only because my parents are comfortable money-wise and he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to provide for me the same level of lifestyle. However, he knows that I don’t care about that so he’s already asked for his parents’ blessing to propose to me, and they’ve agreed. The reason I asked this question at PS was because I was blowing off steam and I was curious as to what others’ financial situations were when they got engaged.

NYCsparkle – I had thought of his as well. But I think that my not speaking Chinese and being halfway across the world should help some in this matter. Although boyfriend has a green card, he had been planning on going back to Hong Kong after college to be close to his parents. But after we met, he changed his plans and wants to stay in the states for me. So I kinda see where his mother is coming from – she is losing her firstborn and he will forever be halfway across the world.

In addition, although it may seem like he''s a mama''s boy, bending over backwards to appease his mother, they''re actually not too close. I mean, they usually only speak on the phone once or twice a month, if at that. They never really asked him to do anything for them before, and because they did this time, he feels that they must really need this, or they wouldn''t have asked. Add that to how his mother now knows she''ll be losing him to another woman - she probably wants to assert some control before he gets married.

Like I stated earlier, I’ve only been writing here to blow off steam, and not waiting until I’m calmer to write. Life has been throwing me a lot of curveballs lately and I’ve been really stressed out. Also, my best friend has recently taken a job that does not allow us to talk nearly as much as we used to, and I needed a place to vent.

I’ve tried my best to sound not too defensive in this post, and I hope that you all will see it that way. I know I’m overly sensitive these days with all the stuff going on in my life (non-boyfriend related), and I felt that everyone was advocating that I better end the relationship (or give an ultimatum) or I’d be very unhappy later in my life. But once again, thanks for looking out for me. And I will try my best not to be so emotional next time, or at least think before I write.

 

[dsy]

I definitely feel for you...but having grown up with strict chinese parents i can assure you that you''re getting off easy. In fact, you should probably be thankful that his parents haven''t announced their intention to move in with you two as soon as you''re married, since he''s the oldest son.

and the fact that he''s a willing participant in couples counseling? most traditional asian guys i know wouldn''t even think of it, so i''m glad to hear that you two have such a great relationship and his parents aren''t standing in the way!

Also, it might help to appeal to their sense of logic and point out that the longer you wait to get married, the more expensive your wedding will be. The difference between the weddings i attended in back in college vs the ones that all of my friends are throwing now is mind-blowing. Not to mention the older you get, the more people you''ll meet and want to invite (and perhaps even the rock you want will get bigger, hehe).

Having the traditional wedding banquet for his parents is all about keeping up a reputation with their chinese friends.. and i think you two have worked out a great compromise. My sister also had a smaller and more intimate chinese wedding banquet that took place after her wedding reception. Most of her small-town non-asian friends would have found some of the courses a bit too frightening to eat...sharkfin soup etc.

Good luck

 

[allycat0303]

Jenstone,

I''m sorry Jenstone, but I don''t feel like I was judging your relationship. In your inital post you mentioned his family and their financial demands. I''m not saying that you have a bad relationship or that you should leave him, all I am saying is that it seems to me that you have a money issue in your relationship, and may (or may not) need to be addressed. You''re not 100% happy with where the whole money/family thing is and to me that means you have a money issue. I think you''re reading too much into what I wrote because it IS a sensitive issue for you. Just because you have a money issue doesn''t mean I''m saying you''re in a bad, horrible, garbage relationship. I have issues with my relationship too, serious ones (not money but other things) which doesn''t mean I''m in a bad, garbage relationship. It means that some of these things REALLY need to be looked at closely.

I am from a very, very traditional asian family, with typically traditional responses and expectations, andI think that it is going to be very hard on you if you already find this annoying. It can get better and more bearable for you, but it''s very hard for someone that is raised in a tradition family, and has the traditional mindset of family duty and obligation to change. I think that there has to be a certain amount of respect towards him for the way he was raised, and he also has to have a certain amount of respect for the way you were raised. I don''t think I can sit here and say "oh his family is horrible" because I don''t think that at all, I think this is very much a cultural issue. They have certain expectations of their son, and he feels he has to live up to them. I''m very sympathetic to his position on this matter, because he must feel like he''s being pulled in 2 different directions, and from personal experience...That really, really hurts.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I have to agree with Alleycat here. I don''t think you have money problems or issues with your relationship. You have a culture clash. I am not sure what your cultural background is but I have read several threads regarding your issues with his family and the ring. I think it is great that your guy is willing to go to couples counseling but I wonder if you think that once you say I do, all the problems will be gone? In my experience, traditional Asian families are very inflexible with their views.(Had a lot of Asian friends in LA). I hope it isn''t the case for you and that you are setting yourself up for years of problems with these people.

What happens when you are married and you want to (for example) have a baby but your FIL needs money for his latest money problem and they want you to wait to have a baby?

Sorry to sound negative. I really do feel bad for you. I just don''t think the problems end with the ring/ wedding. I kind of feel sorry for your BF because he is caught in the middle and likely will be for his whole life.

By the way, if he WASN''T Asian, I would have said he was too involved with his parents and what they thought.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Everyone has different standards, but I''d NEVER be married if I waited to make $100,000 a year! Haha... my husband''s a teacher and I''m a social worker; neither of us work for the money, if you know what I mean.

Financially, we''ve been saving a LOT more married than we were able to living on our own, with all of our bills and expenses separate.

We''ll be married 4 months on Sunday, and we opened a savings account together on our one month anniversary. In almost three months, we''ve saved a LOT of money. It surprised both of us how much more we have each paycheck to put into savings, based solely on the facts that come with marriage: it''s cheaper to cook for two rather than one, Paul doesn''t have to eat out *NEARLY* as much these days, we only have one water bill, one electricity bill, one rent, one cable bill, and the like.

I wanted to have my student loan paid off before we married; I still owe two more payments. He wanted to have his credit card bill paid off; he owes maybe three or four more payments. We missed those goals, but together, we''re able to pay bigger chunks at a time!

And ultimately, it''s up to you and your boy when you decide to become engaged, right? I know, I know, easier said than done. Oh how I know!!

Hang in there. Everyone and their brother''s brother has an opinion.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I don''t think anyone is ever financially "ready" for marriage or kids. The more you make the more you spend and so the disposal income is never as much as you might like it to be.