Taking a break before getting more serious

[heyme]

I hate my first post here to be asking for help, but I sure need it and I have no where else to go! To be honest, none of my girlfriends would understand or take me seriously.

To TRY and make a long story short I've been with my boyfriend for over 3.5 years. I'm 23 and he's 24. Before him I was with another guy for almost 3 years. So basically from the time I turned 16 I was in a 3 year relationship, I was single for 6 months and then I entered another relationship which is the one I'm currently in. I wasn't out looking, it just happened. Quickly. We met at a party, I went to his house a couple of days later and pretty much just never left. We basically lived at his parents house together for a couple of months, then my parents house after I got surgery. Then, 7 months into the relationship we moved away together for him to go to a trade school for 9 months. We moved back to my parents house shortly after that to save money for a house. Now we've been together over 3.5 years. This relationship is so easy. We enjoy each others company, we do love each other very much and we haven't had very many bumps in the road. I know we're really lucky, but I also know it may not be like this forever. It's not still the "honeymoon stage" that lasted probably 6 months. Now we're the old married couple and we're comfortable around each other. We plan on getting a house then getting married at the end of 2011.

Now here's where the trouble starts. I had a dream about my ex a couple of nights ago and I woke up with this uneasy feeling. Yes, it made me miss my ex who I am still friends with, but more than anything I think it triggered something and I've been starting to panic. Can I really get married and have a family with him when I haven't even had any time to really "find myself"? I was single for 6 months. So for the past 3 days, I've just had this crazy feeling that I need a break. I need to have some time to myself. But what do I do? How do I do that? I can't leave him, that will break his heart. I do love him. I do still plan to spend my life with him, but in order for that to work I think I NEED this time to myself. I've got a very "if it's meant to happen it will" attitude, meanwhile he thinks it'll be the end of the world if we break up. I know it would just kill him. I really have no idea what to do except hope this feeling passes. But even if it does, what's to say this feeling doesn't come up again like 3 more years down the road?

He can tell something is wrong, but I really want to try and sort this out before I talk to him. Like I said, he'll be devastated to even know I'm feeling like this. He is a rare breed of man who is very committed to the relationship. He loves me and wants to be with me forever. He takes care of me and makes sure that I always know he loves me. But during the last few days when I look at him, half the time I just start crying and I have to hide in the bathroom for a couple minutes. I'm so confused.

It just seems so crazy that what I consider such a healthy relationship could be ruined just because I'm feeling uneasy since I haven't had time to myself. I feel really selfish and like I'm being completely unfair. But at the same time, I feel like it's what I need.

I know it shouldn't matter that much, but the fact that we live at my parents house would leave for a very awkward situation if we decided to "take a break". People always see us as the "perfect couple" and we would probably go through a lot trying to explain to to everyone who butts in.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Hi. I don''t know that I have anything in the way of advice, at least not yet. But I did have a question that I think you should ask yourself: what does it mean to you to "find yourself"? In other words, what would you do to make that happen? Have him leave your parents house? Not communicate with him for a little while? Take a trip by yourself? What I''m getting at is that if you think you need this time, ask yourself what you might do with it. It''s probably important to know before you talk to him about it, and it may help you make some decisions. I can''t say I''ve really ever been in your position, but if I was in it now, I''d be wondering what I meant when I said I needed time to find myself. Hope this helps in some way.

 

[heyme]

I don''t really know. I guess just have time to myself without being just half of a couple, if that makes sense. Just having time to myself to be single and have that freedom for a while. Maybe I''ll date, maybe I won''t. But the point will be that I can have that chance. I''ll have that time to hang out with friends, focus on work and school, maybe date a few guys (maybe in hopes of appreciating how great my boyfriend is more?) and just be single, I guess. I just feel so... suffocated right now. I don''t know how to explain it. HE isn''t suffocating me, I feel like the situation is.

 

[princesss]

I did it.

I was with my BF for a little over 4 years, panicked, and broke up with him. He, as a last ditch effort to save the relationship, asked for me to take 2 weeks to think about it. We had absolutely no contact for those two weeks. My friends were supportive (one later told me that she wanted to scream, "This is a stupid f***ing idea, I can't believe you!" but knows me well enough to know I have to come to terms with things on my own, so she didn't). My parents were supportive (but DID tell me it was a stupid idea). We'd been together since I was 18, and I hadn't planned on being serious with anybody until I was in my late 20s. My life was so completely different than I'd imagined that I went into a tailspin. I didn't think about what I was doing, I just reacted. From the time I thought about it to the time we broke up was only about 4 hours.

I was almost manic for those two weeks. It was all freedom, and I can do this, and I can do that. I told anybody who would listen that I just couldn't be anybody's girlfriend, that I was finally happy, that I felt GREAT!

I didn't realize at the time that I was lying through my teeth.

Really what it was (for me) was I was depressed and scared. I was scared about how serious we were, scared that my life wasn't going according to plan, scared that I was forcing him into a life he didn't want, scared that we'd eventually resent each other, scared that I didn't recognize myself. I was unhappy at work, unhappy in our new city, unhappy with my friends, and I knew he was miserable, too. But he came here for me, so in my head I was making him miserable, and he'd be better off without me.

So two weeks passed by and up until the moment I opened the door for him, I was sure I was going to dump him for good. Heck, I was talking with FrekeChild when he knocked on the door, and told her that it was over. But I opened the door and it was like suddenly having MYSELF back. I felt normal - no more manic mood changes and insane highs and energy. Back to normal, back to comfortable, back to happy. It took being able to see him with fresh eyes to recommit myself to us, and to fully commit to the idea of forever. This is it. There are no third chances.

I know I broke his heart. I know I put him through the worst two weeks of his life. I have to live with that, and it's not easy. Every now and then he comes into a room to find me sobbing over how badly I hurt him. There are movies I can't watch, episodes of shows I love that make me change the channel, and books I have thrown away because they hit too close to home. I'm fighting back tears writing this. He says the break was worth it because it allowed me to be 150% present in this relationship, and I'm happier now.

Truthfully, I wish I had taken a different route to that realization. I wish I hadn't put him or us through that. I wish I'd waited, and thought about it, and had an honest conversation with him about how I was feeling. I wish I'd been open with him, and told him that I was scared, and maybe have seen a therapist on my own to work out my issues. Because that's what they were - my issues. Not issues with us, not issues with him. Issues with me. And I put him through 2 weeks of hell because I couldn't face MYSELF in the mirror.

Please explore all of your options before you do this. In the long run, the pain you cause may be forgiven by him, but it won't be forgotten, and you may never be able to forgive yourself. I haven't been able to. It's been 15 months since I went crazy, and 14 and a half since I got my sanity back. We've worked past my temporary insanity, but it was a long road, and what I got out of the break definitely wasn't worth the damage I did to him and to us.

ETA: In the end, it was ME holding myself back from doing things. I felt suffocated and like I couldn't do things because he wouldn't like them - but the truth was, he didn't care! It was ME putting limitations on myself. Since realizing that, I've given myself permission to try the things I want, explore new interests, and make new friends. I was in my own way, and now that I'm not, life is much better.

 

[elrohwen]

Princess, thank you so much for sharing your story! I wanted to convey something like that, but didn''t know how to say it. I totally agree that the damage done during a break can end the relationship. Heyme, just keep in mind that if you ask for this break, he may not be able to give you a second chance and you won''t be able to take back the decision. I agree with Princess that going to therapy might help you figure out what''s going on in your head and find a way to deal with it. If breaking up ends up being the right answer, then so be it, but think long and hard about it.

You don''t have to be on your own to find yourself and make yourself happier. DH and I have been together since 22, so our whole careers and life outside of college have been spent together, but we''ve both been able to grow as people and grow together in our relationship. You might be feeling trapped, but there are plenty of ways you can break out and discover things about yourself without leaving a relationship that you seem to really value.

 

[lucyandroger]

heyme, I think what you''re feeling is completely normal and it won''t go away until you go ahead and give yourself the time/experiences that you need. Sometimes timing is really important and you''re just not in the right time of your life to be in a relationship.

I was engaged previously to a guy that I loved and thought I was ready to marry. Everyone thought we were perfect together. Then I realized that I really wanted to travel abroad and have adventures on my own. Then I started getting intrigued when other guys hit on me. I didn''t want to be with them but I was curious what it would be like to be with another person. Eventually, I realized I was not ready to get married and I went out and had a life of my own and some of the best experiences of my life. I broke up with my then-fiance and looking back I cannot imagine if I had actually married him. We ended up being completely different people and now we''re both happy with other significant others.

I know it seems almost impossible to break up because you have so many connections and live together but if you really need to "find yourself," you should do it.

 

[getting excited]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this! Is this the first time you have gone through this? If it is, my advice would be to give it some time to see if you continue to feel this way. It could be a phase. I went through a "phase" last year for a few months. I was just unhappy. I thought my boyfriend and I were not right for each other, but didn''t know what to do. I was convinced we were going to break up. I went away for a weekend and kind of snapped out of it. Something just clicked and I can honestly say a year later, I am happier than ever. (four years into the relationship)

BUT, if it is not a phase, you have to do what is right for you. It is sweet that you are thinking about his feelings, but staying with him for that is not the right thing to do. It may break his heart now, but it is better than four years into a marriage especially if kids get involved.

Taking time on your own would be a risk. So you really need to thing about what would happen if you two didn''t get back together. If you are fine with that, then just be aware of the consequences going in.

Either way, things will turn out how they should be. Not sure if any of this helps, but hopefully it brings you some comfort! Good luck!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

There''s not harm in wanting to spread your own wings and fly - it''s natural and a desire that should be supported. However, before you decide that this is truly what you want consider that if you chose to "take a break" your current boyfriend has no obligation to wait for you to be ready to come back to him. Alhtough right now it may seem as though his world would come to a grinding halt, the opposite may happen. He too may date and explore other avenues and you must be willing to accept the possibility that he may find another partner even if you decide that you feel that he is indeed the one.

If you are not completely ready to let go of the relationship why not try designating a few nights a week as individual time? My husband and I got into this practice long before we were married or even lived together. He has his guy nights and I have the same with my friends. We get to spend time nurturing our friendships and social lives with others so we don''t feel like we are attached at the hip. It helps to keep us balanced as a couple and it also makes me feel content knowing I am not co-dependent on my partner as the sole source of comfort and entertainment.

Naturally, the purpose of these "me" nights is not to be scoping out potential candidates for replacements either. Allow me to be frank for a moment and tell you that dating other people in hopes of making you better appreciate your current BF is a dangerous idea. It is not fair for you date others and compare them to a man you chose not to be with. If you truly do love him and do think you could see yourself with him forever (note: your words) then you two should be able to find a way to work through this and find a compromise. If you can''t, then it sounds to me like you both would be better served by a clean break. Taking a break is a nice way of saying breaking up. In my experience breaks do not work and someone ends up being very hurt in the end. Occasionally they serve their purpose but more often than not the end result is the same. And as far as people fishing for rationales, you have no obligation to explain yourself to anyone other than your BF.

Good luck.

 

[blacksand]

Traveling alone is really an amazing, life-changing experience that I wish everyone could have the opportunity to go through. No, it is absolutely not wrong to want that. If you want to, do it! Take some time to go away, completely by yourself. Learn to navigate a new city, learn a new language if you can. You will be amazed at what you are capable of, and that’s a feeling everyone should have at some point!

Now, wanting to date other people is a completely different story. It is absolutely not fair to your boyfriend to expect that you can date other people and then come back to him when you feel like it. Even if it works out that way, it is manipulative and cruel at best. He will be hurt. He may move on. I really don’t understand the concept of “taking a break” from a relationship. If you’re together, you’re together. If you break up, you’re broken up. Sure, you may get back together in the future. But I don’t believe you can break up with someone “temporarily,” with every expectation of getting back together in the future. If you do that, you’re holding on to one relationship while exploring others at the same time. Essentially cheating on your boyfriend. And it will have the same emotional impact on him as cheating would, trust me. It will hurt him. It may hurt the guys you date in the interim, since you will be unable to form any real emotional attachment to them. And you may well be hurt when your boyfriend starts dating other people. So stay together or break up. You can’t have it both ways. If you do break up, you have to consider it permanent. No stringing him along. It isn’t fair. If you get back together at a later date, fantastic, but don’t count on that. You can’t break up and still be together.

Anyway, as others have suggested, there is nothing wrong with spending time away from him, going out with girlfriends, traveling, exploring new interests. Those are all great ideas, and will ultimately benefit your relationship. And there is nothing wrong with breaking up, if you decide that is the best course of action. It will hurt, but it is better now than years from now, when your lives are that much more intertwined.

 

[HaloBelle]

I almost did this. I almost ruined everything. I freaked out about a year ago that we had been dating for so long and he was the only guy i had ever kissed, dated etc. I even talked about it with him. About how I felt like I was missing out on college by not going on a bad date or kissing a random guy at a party(i never really wanted to go any farther with a random person, just like a good kiss). All I could think about was all my girlfriends and their cheesy first dates and the awkward pickups at our house because they didn't want the guy to know where they lived in case he was a creeper (I live with 4 guys, way more intimidating for a creeper?). How excited they were when he turned out to be a gentleman or even (yes, even this) how sad they were when he turned out to be a complete jerk.

I just never experienced "dating and being single." I never dated much before BF because I didn't have time or want to and last year, in college, I freaked out that I was missing a piece of growing up.

We talked about it and he was crushed. He got really angry and told me that: If I needed to go have a bad date and have someone treat me like a tramp to know that he was the guy for me than I would have to do it with him creeping in the background so he could barge in and save me from myself. He said I was crazy to want those things, he said that it was hurtful that I couldn't just "know". I thought that without experiencing the bad, you can never truly appreciate the good.

In the end, about 2 weeks later, a ton of arguments and about 49832735983274 hours of crying because I didn't want to hurt him, oh and the kicker - my bff dumped her bf because he was going to grad school in another state and has since felt like she lost the best thing that ever happened to her, I decided I was just having a 1/4 life crisis. I knew that I loved him more than anything in the world and I was going through a phase that I wanted to (essentially) to date some other guys for a few weeks and hopefully be treated like crap so that I would know I had the best guy. Dumb?! uh yea.

I'm not saying you SHOULDNT or SHOULD do this, I just saying - think it through first. Let it go for a few weeks and really think about WHY you want to do this. You might just realize you are being like I was...selfish, weird, and ungrateful.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/4/2010 1:02:12 PM
Author: blacksand
Traveling alone is really an amazing, life-changing experience that I wish everyone could have the opportunity to go through. No, it is absolutely not wrong to want that. If you want to, do it! Take some time to go away, completely by yourself. Learn to navigate a new city, learn a new language if you can. You will be amazed at what you are capable of, and that’s a feeling everyone should have at some point!


Now, wanting to date other people is a completely different story. It is absolutely not fair to your boyfriend to expect that you can date other people and then come back to him when you feel like it. Even if it works out that way, it is manipulative and cruel at best. He will be hurt. He may move on. I really don’t understand the concept of “taking a break” from a relationship. If you’re together, you’re together. If you break up, you’re broken up. Sure, you may get back together in the future. But I don’t believe you can break up with someone “temporarily,” with every expectation of getting back together in the future. If you do that, you’re holding on to one relationship while exploring others at the same time. Essentially cheating on your boyfriend. And it will have the same emotional impact on him as cheating would, trust me. It will hurt him. It may hurt the guys you date in the interim, since you will be unable to form any real emotional attachment to them. And you may well be hurt when your boyfriend starts dating other people. So stay together or break up. You can’t have it both ways. If you do break up, you have to consider it permanent. No stringing him along. It isn’t fair. If you get back together at a later date, fantastic, but don’t count on that. You can’t break up and still be together.


Anyway, as others have suggested, there is nothing wrong with spending time away from him, going out with girlfriends, traveling, exploring new interests. Those are all great ideas, and will ultimately benefit your relationship. And there is nothing wrong with breaking up, if you decide that is the best course of action. It will hurt, but it is better now than years from now, when your lives are that much more intertwined.

Aside from one part (if you are broken up, and date others, I don't consider that cheating - as you are broken up - that does not mean it would not be painful for your BF, but I just disagree with the semantics) I agree with this.

Even not traveling alone, but just learning to BE alone - to be with ourselves, is an amazing experience. I can easily say that I am a much better person - individually - and a much better partner, and have much better relationships because of the experiences I have had "on my own" - both WITHIN and OUTSIDE of being in a relationship. I don't have any hesitations about my commitment to a lifelong relationship with my husband as I also know I am not defined by that relationship, I am not restricted, I am free to be me. DH and I often comment one of the most wonderful things about our lives together is how much freedom we feel as individuals AND as a couple. We each have a good sense of self-awareness. It made our commitment to each other relatively *easy* in that sense. Indeed, an expression of that was part of his own vows. I don't think either of us would have felt that way in our much younger selves, or had we not learned who *we* each were, or had we been in a relationship with someone else....

I do not at all think "taking a break" is the step to take before "getting more serious". That to me does indicate there is something going on. That is just now how healthy relationships work. Now there may be nothing *wrong* with the relationship, but that you (or both of you) are just not ready yet. And if you are not ready yet...well you aren't and you can't force it.

Whether your break up...or you don't...the choice is entirely yours. Different results and consequences will flow from either choice. I don't think either choice should be made out of fear, nor should either choice be made with an idea of "certain results" (i.e. that you would get back together and so on). Life is uncertain in general, and there are no guarantees. The choice must be made for that choice itself. Tomorrow opens up more choices. As does the day after. And...your BF has his *own* choices. You cannot control them.

I am not going to tell you what to do. You need to determine what is right for you. I think talking to a counselor may be very beneficial for you to see what the true root of these feelings is. It may be something entirely separate from what you *think* it is, and I do think it is wise to do before you do break up. Because that is what this would be. To be sure that is really the choice you want or if it is a band-aid solution you are hoping will solve some general life anxieties.

I really, really, really recommend speaking to a counselor. It can be one of the best things you can give yourself. Really!

 

[blacksand]

Aside from one part (if you are broken up, and date others, I don''t consider that cheating - as you are broken up - that does not mean it would not be painful for your BF, but I just disagree with the semantics) I agree with this.

I guess my issue is just the idea of taking a temporary break and dating other people with the explicit plan of getting back together. You''re either together or you''re not, that''s the point I was trying to make. If you''re together, it''s cheating. If you''re not together, sure, date other people, but that means you have to let go of your boyfriend. I take issue with the differentiation between "taking a break" and "breaking up." I say it''s all or nothing. You''re right, it''s just semantics. But I''m a linguist. So I''ll always debate semantics.

 

[JSM]

I worry about the fact that you are in a long term relationship AND living with your parents. The two things combined would certainly make me feel suffocated!

You can travel on your own, have your own hobbies, interests, and desires in a relationship. I certainly do, and I have many friends that do as well. I have a life outside my husband, and I enjoy it. He enjoys his time without me, too, and it helps us appreciate the time we do have together.

If you don''t want to be attached to him, that''s okay. You are in a tough spot. But I agree with others, and think it would be really, really cruel to him to go ''play the field'' only to have him as a backup.

 

[allycat0303]

People grow and need different things to mature. I never experienced being single either. Sometimes I have the "what if" moments, but they are not overpowering. In contrast, my sister was married and had these feelings, and ended up leaving. So I think the same feelings can have very different outcomes in two different people. I think you should wait a bit and see how long these feelings persist. From everything you have told me, this is a good relationship, and taking a break is always risky. I would give it 2 weeks-1 month. If the urge is still there, then I think you have no choice but to take some time apart. It may just be a necessary part of the maturing process for you.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/4/2010 3:18:40 PM
Author: blacksand

Aside from one part (if you are broken up, and date others, I don''t consider that cheating - as you are broken up - that does not mean it would not be painful for your BF, but I just disagree with the semantics) I agree with this.

I guess my issue is just the idea of taking a temporary break and dating other people with the explicit plan of getting back together. You''re either together or you''re not, that''s the point I was trying to make. If you''re together, it''s cheating. If you''re not together, sure, date other people, but that means you have to let go of your boyfriend. I take issue with the differentiation between ''taking a break'' and ''breaking up.'' I say it''s all or nothing. You''re right, it''s just semantics. But I''m a linguist. So I''ll always debate semantics.

I do think we agree, I also think it is all or nothing. I think *taking a break* IS being broken up (so it would not be cheating). That is what I was alluding to. So if someone gets together and dates others during a "temporary break" to me it is not cheating as they are, to me, broken up.

I do not agree with taking a temporary break with intent to get back together. To me it defeats the purpose somehow if you have that *safety net* (or think you do). And is insulting to your *ex* and others. Besides, most people I know would move on before the break was meant to be over...I rarely see "temporary breaks" work out. Sometimes people reunite years later, but in different circumstances and so on.

 

[merilenda]

I went through the same thing when I was around your age or a bit younger. I had been dating the same person since high school, and even though we had a wonderful relationship, the idea of a forever commitment was extremely scary to me. I won''t go into too many details, but I basically freaked out and ended up taking a major role in destroying our relationship.

I can''t say that I don''t regret some of my actions, because I do. But the truth is, I wasn''t ready to be engaged or married at that age. You may have a super, "perfect" relationship, but if you''re not ready, you just aren''t. And although I could have been a lot more mature in how I handled things at the time, nothing was going to change the fact that I wasn''t ready.

I''m 26 now, and over the past 4-5 years, I have slowly become less and less anxious about the idea of marriage. I am now absolutely ready to take the step of engagement with zero anxiety. I don''t know that much about your situation, but from your post, it sounds like you''re in at least a similar position to where I was at that time. Maybe you just need a few more years to grow before being ready for that step. Whether you do it while in your current relationship or decide that you want to see other people is totally up to you.

I just wanted to kind of let you know that I''ve been there, and that at the time, I thought that I would never be able to make that kind of commitment without a LOT of anxiety. And it wasn''t about the relationship not being right, it was just the phase of life that I was in at the time. But a few years down the road, I am absolutely, 100% ready to make that commitment.

 

[heyme]

Thank you everyone for all of your input! This is the first time I''ve REALLY gone through this. I expressed my concern for being in another serious relationship so soon after another when we first started getting serious, but since then we''ve just kind of forgotten about it.

I should have explained that I was all ready to get married and start our lives together pretty much the whole time we''ve been together. It never caused me any anxiety or anything, if anything I was anxious that it has taken this long. However recently something just clicked and I''m freaked out by it. I think that maybe the fact that he''s preparing to buy a home for us may have somewhat started it because that just seems so permanent. And I subconsciously know that when that happens, next will be engagement and marriage. I thought I would be ecstatic that engagement and marriage were coming up soon, but I''m not. Maybe that''s why all of a sudden it''s hit me. I always thought I was ready for settling down, but since it wasn''t in the immediate future maybe I just didn''t freak out about it like I am now.

I should also mention that he''s a pretty clingy person. For example, he''s going camping this weekend with my dad (I told you he was a great guy!) and he feels so bad leaving me behind. He doesn''t like spending time apart and I think that''s also part of it. I do love spending time with him and I get a lot of time alone since he works full time and I work part time, but I think the fact that he wants to spend every waking moment with me can get to me. We don''t have a lot of friends we hang out with together or alone. We both kind of drifted from most of our old friends due to people moving around and just changing overall.

I know it wouldn''t be fair for him to expect him to wait for me if I did decide to leave. I also know that even if we agree that we get back together after a certain amount of time, one of us could change our mind a month or two later. If I make the decision to leave, I will definitely think that through completely. My theory is still that if it''s mean to be, it will. So if we break up and he finds someone who makes him happier than I did, then that''s amazing for him and he deserves it more than anyone I know. Would I miss him? Of course. Will I have made a mistake? Maybe. But in the end I believe it''ll end up how it should, whether we''re together or not. I don''t want to latch onto him for fear of us not ending up together because if that''s the end point, why not let it just happen instead of clinging. I do hope that we do end up together, but I don''t know how either one of us is going to feel in the coming months or years.

 

[FrekeChild]

I dated someone for 2+ years. We lived together and did things like a married couple.

Then one day he and his mom started talking engagement rings.

Like you, instead of being happy and excited, I freaked out. Less than a week later I broke up with him. I said, "Lets take a break" and I meant "Lets break up."

Before that I had been with someone solidly since I started dating at 15. Maybe a month break between or so.

Then, after spending over a year of being single--not even any dates, I dated someone that was horrible. It was only a couple of months, and unfortunately one of the most emotionally scarring times of my life.

I gave up on dating at that point. I figured I was just going to live and let live, and if HE came along, he could come along with me for the ride. I wasn''t going to look for *him* anymore.

Shortly afterward I met this guy on the internet, who was in a crap relationship, had been in one for a few years, and they even lived together. This guy and I could talk online for hours, and send tons of messages back and forth to each other. One day, less than a month after we "met" he broke up with his girlfriend. A couple weeks later we met in person. And neither of us has looked back since then. We''ve been completely inseparable and have never had a serious argument. 4 years later we''re married. And really, truly, neither of us has ever questioned it or looked back. Or looked sideways. Or up. You get the picture.

But when he started talking rings, I was delighted/ecstatic/joyful/whatever. Not panicked. What a difference. I couldn''t wait to marry him and watch his hair turn gray and bicker over which restaurant to go eat the senior early bird special at, etc. I wanted to grow old with him.

I''m also of the mindset that if it''s meant to be, it will be. And it happened that way for me.


And even though princesss was telling me it was over as she was waiting for her SO to come over, I could tell that it wasn''t. But she had to figure that out for herself. As soon as he came in, she ran back to the computer and said something like this to me, "I take it all back. We''re back together. Don''t think I''m crazy, even though I probably am. I love him and I can''t let him go. Gotta go, talk to you later!"

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/4/2010 5:51:49 PM
Author: FrekeChild

And even though princesss was telling me it was over as she was waiting for her SO to come over, I could tell that it wasn't. But she had to figure that out for herself. As soon as he came in, she ran back to the computer and said something like this to me, 'I take it all back. We're back together. Don't think I'm crazy, even though I probably am. I love him and I can't let him go. Gotta go, talk to you later!'

Thank you, Freke. It's been a long time since I've gotten to really remember how wonderful it felt to see him after those two weeks. I remember rushing over to the computer to tell you, and M saying, "What the heck are you doing?" and being incoherently happy telling him that I was just fixing a mistake. (Also, it cracks me up that all of my friends say the exact same thing - they knew I was making a mistake, but they knew I had to figure it out on my own.)

 

[Indylady]

Double post.

 

[Indylady]

Princesss'' post was fantastic!

She said everything I could have wanted to say and more.

 

[heyme]

I''m definitely not making any quick decisions. I don''t want to regret anything any more than I need to. I''ve banned myself from doing anything about the situation until after fathers day. That''s the soonest I will act on anything, if I decide I need to do something.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Do you have a girlfriend that you could go on a holiday with? Maybe if you got away for a little bit and had that chance to be ''free'' of your bf without having to break up with him (and cause irreversable damage) it would give you a better idea of how you feel about him when you are alone.

Of course you wouldn''t be dating or anything like that but it would give you a chance to remove yourself from the situation to see how you really feel about it all when he is not there. You might find yourself pining for him after a few days and realise what a great mistake it would have been, you might find its the best feeling you have ever had (being free) and that it is something you want to explore further.

 

[BeachRunner]

Hello and welcome.

You sound just like me when I was your age, although slightly different stories. I dated my high school crush. He was two yrs older than me, and it was a long distance relationship. After two yrs, I began feeling the same emotions as you described. "Have I found myself?" "Do I know who I am?" After awhile, the emotion that should be wasn''t there, and I had to break it off. we went on a "break" and had an on and off thing, but looking back on it, I strung him along just so I wasn''t lonely. It was totally selfish of me. All of our friends said we were the perfect couple, you''ll get married, have babies and live a great life. Everyone was shocked, but everyone got over it.

I am happily married and he is happily engaged to be married in the fall.

My advice: I think you def. need to evaluate YOU, and really decide what you want with your life. I also think that taking "breaks" are ridiculous and leads to nothing good except more hurt feelings. (That''s my opinion through my own experiences)

You''ll figure it out.

 

[heyme]

He''s actually leaving tonight to go camping with my dad. He''ll be back Sunday. It''s not a long break, so I don''t think it''ll help much. To be honest I think I''ll kind of enjoy him being gone, especially since it''s not like we''ll be separated for long.

 

[trillionaire]

Here''s my story...

FI and I started dating when I was 20, he had just turned 21. I asked him out

He was my 2nd boyfriend. He had been my best friend, and we did everything together, movies, operas, orchestras, jazz performances, salsa dancing, tutoring, studying, travelling... you name it. Everything was soooo easy and natural, but we were still in school. I was really stressed out applying to grad school, and I didn''t have the energy to spend on a relationship too. I knew it would break his heart, but I was becoming really miserable, which had nothing to do with him. I broke up with him on our 6 month anniversary. (not intentional) I told him that I didn''t want to celebrate. He brought me roses, which I dried and kept. I felt like a douchebag. I told my close friends that it was over.

5 months later, I asked him back out. I missed him dearly. Our relationship was better, stronger, more serious, and more loving. We both REALLY wanted to be there. It''s the best thing I could have done, for me. Like others, I have to deal with the fact that I hurt the person that I care about most, very deeply. I don''t think I would feel 100% committed to the relationship if I hadn''t taken the time and space that I needed. I didn''t think he would take me back. I am still surprised that he did, without any hesitation. I could have lost something amazing.

Now, I am 27, he''s 28. We''re getting married on our 7th anniversary. We''ve had an amazing life TOGETHER, full of amazing memories and fun time, common friends and experiences. I value those things so much, and they make thing so easy. I imagined that I would spend my 20''s dating lots of people. I didn''t get to. I don''t regret it at all. I have a PARTNER and BEST FRIEND. I was pretty panicky about marriage and commitment until I as about 25... he proposed when I was 26, we''ll get married at 28. If you need to slow down, slow down... tossing in the towel is a gamble, but you have to do what is in your heart to do.

 

[heyme]

Thanks for that story. I am afraid of doing something and realizing it was a mistake, whether it''s to stay with him or leave. I also realize that I can''t have it both ways so I''m going to have to figure out what I want.

I confessed to him that I was confused. He said he noticed that I had been distant lately. I apologized. I just kind of quickly told him that I''m suddenly terrified of commitment. Ironically, I had to say it because we found out his ex got married and he said he got to thinking because of that. He said that he wanted to stop spending as much money on his hobby (cars) and wanted to get us on our feet so we can start our life together. That''s when I kind of told him I was confused. I used to tell him we should be married by now, etc etc. But we wanted to get everything set up first. A house, stable jobs, you know... to just kind of be ready.

I think he''s scared more than anything. So am I. We talked about it very briefly. He said he wished I would talk to him about these things. I told him at this point there wasn''t much to talk about. I''m too confused to really discuss my feelings and I kind of have to sort them out myself. He''s still camping with my dad right now. He''ll be back tomorrow. I do love him. I told him I really really do. I''m still just really lost. It''s not fun when you all of a sudden, involuntarily flip around and start thinking totally differently than you used to. And you realize that it''s the opposite of how you used to be days before, but there''s nothing you can do at the moment to kind of get yourself back on that same track.

Only time can tell what will happen. I''m trying to take careful steps, but there''s still a chance I''ll screw up.

 

[HappyNewLife]

life''s too short to settle. He sounds like a great guy, but if you have hesitations and wonder "what if..." then take all the time you need to sort it out before marrying him. I think it''s good to spend time with one''s thoughts without distractions to really figure out what you want in life. I do this all the time-- turn off the tv/music, no distractions, just think and feel.

GOOD LUCK, I''ll support you whichever way you decide to go.

 

[4ever]

My BF is certainly the clingy family orintated sort where as I need time to myself and easily feel suffocated. We have also been dating a long time, since I was a teenager AND currently live with my parents (which is not easy).

I have told him many times that I NEED time to myself and with my friends to function properly and while it is not easy for him to understand because he dosn't need that and wants to spend all his time with me, he lets me have my me-time.

So, I go out with friends for the night, have drinks, get dressed up, go to clubs or bars or to the movies. I go over to my friends houses just to get away and talk and get girl time. I go shopping by myself or spend time making somthing alone or reading or brousing the web, meeting and talking to new people and once we have our own place (so I'm not leaving him at home with my parents for a long time) I plan on taking more mini breaks with my friends so we have the very occasional long weekend apart. Time apart helps me appriciate our time together, keeps me feeling like myself and I feel free- my relationship dosn't feel at all restrictive or opressive like it has once or twice in the past when I've not had any time alone.

However, I would not break up with my BF temporarly to feel like I'm single, it's not worth hurting him that much to "find myself" when I can go about being me in other ways.

 

[GliderPoss]

Honestly, its sounds like you are just suffocated by too much company! His parents constant presence and if he is rather clingy too them I''m guessing you do truly LOVE him but just need a little more quality "me" time to yourself. This is totally understandable! Everyone needs it!

My advice is NOT to break up with him but explain that perhaps:
1. you''d like to go on a holiday on your own
2. you''d like to delay any proposal or house buying for another year until you are sure.
3. you want time on your own each week!

I feel that if you break up now there is no going back and you may really regret it. Don''t confuse being physically crowded with your true feelings for him - you have stated that you love him! You are both young, there is no rush. If he loves you too, he''ll also understand that.

In the end of course this is your decision and I wish you all the best.