Tacky or not???

[megumic]

I never imagined this would be controversial at all, but apparently it is.

In lieu of wedding favors we were planning on leaving a token or small card at each guests place to be dropped in a bucket or bowl. We were going to select four charities with short explanations why we chose them (i.e. my grandmother died of Alzheimer''s, so Alzheimer''s Association was one of them) and then give each guest the liberty to select which charity they preferred. Both J and I found most wedding favors to be useless and a waste of money (unless edible of course!) so we were thinking about going this route.

UNTIL TODAY! I picked up a new bridal mag (splurge impulse buy) and read a whole section on how people feel about donations and charitable contributions in lieu of favors. Some said they thought it was not a "favor" at all and that donations should be made anonymously and not as a "wedding favor." Some even labeled it as "tacky". I was kind of shocked, as I find any sort of charitable contribution to be a feel good thing.

What do all of you other brides think?? Would it bug you to not get a favor at all? Or to choose one of four charities to have a donation made in your name, instead of getting a favor?

 

[Haven]

I wouldn''t phrase it that it is in lieu of a favor, I would just place cards at the table settings stating that a donation has been made to XYZ charity.

The lottery type process is very thoughtful, but I do think it is a bit odd. Instead, I''d just choose an organization that you two believe is worthwhile.

I don''t think it''s tacky at all to make a donation in lieu of purchasing favors. Rather, I think it''s tacky for a guest to expect to receive a gift for attending a wedding.

 

[meresal]

I am good with the idea of putting a sign on each table saying that the bride and groom have made a donation to "insert disease/s here" in honour of "passed relative that could not be with us", but I have to agree, I'm not a big fan of giving the guests the option of what to donate to, like it is their money.

I don't know.

ETA: I agree with Haven. Lots of people aren't doing favors anymore.

 

[elrohwen]

Hmm, I've never considered them tacky! I find 99% of favors are worthless as well, so I would rather that than something I don't want. However, I also wouldn't mind if I didn't get anything.

I think the article may be describing it as tacky because you're kind of telling everyone that you're donating? Which makes it not anonymous? I dunno ... I wouldn't tell guests how much I was actually donating, but I wouldn't think it was tacky to mention I'm making a donation instead of giving them favors.

And anyone who finds it tacky because they would rather get something out of your wedding (other than a good time) than donate to the needy is tacky themselves

ETA: Agree with Haven and Mere that it might be better to just pick one charity yourselves and put a note on each table that you're donating.

 

[tlh]

To be honest, most favors get trashed...and hoestly the past 5 or 6 weddings I''ve been to didn''t even have favors, and I never noticed, until it came time to my own wedding and I was wondering what people gave out... ha!

If you want to donate, go ahead and pick a charity, and do the in xxx''s honour. But I wouldn''t allow the guests to select it - I would find it odd, but I would NEVER say anything derogatory about it.

My negative comments only come from when the wedding couple put some sort of burdeon on me other than what is expected or customarily expected by accepting an invitation somewhere.

 

[sunnyd]

The people want their 50 cent chocolates!

If making a donation is tacky, ...that''s just dumb.

 

[D2B]

the bridal industry has a natural bias to say they are tacky as it means less favours are sold, and favours are all part of the whole shabang, iykwim.
I have never kept favours, unfortunately most get thrown out, so you might as well make a donation. better use of money by far.

the whole wedding industry can easily go over the top, the challenge is to pick what you want and that is it.

 

[LilyKat]

Ditto Haven - I would just pick a charity and leave a card on each table to explain it, rather than mentioning it is in lieu of a favour. This has the added advantage of raising awareness of the charity among your guests, rather than keeping it anonymous. I don''t think it is tacky at all, but I''m not a fan of favours anyway.

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/15/2009 4:51:08 PM
Author: D2B
the bridal industry has a natural bias to say they are tacky as it means less favours are sold, and favours are all part of the whole shabang, iykwim.

GREAT point.

The only favor I''ve ever kept was a bottle of wine. It was called "Mari Me"--so cute.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Not. Tacky. At All.

It''s a bridal magazine conspiracy, and as a guest I would actually like that the couple was donating to a charity than providing me with measuring spoons, ornaments (my favors, admittedly), or chocolate.

I think the "In lieu of favor" phrase is fine, but only if you really want to use it.

I say stick with the donations- they''re a great idea!

 

[mayachel]

hmmm...well, I don''t personally "need" a favor. Nor particularly "want" a favor as a wedding guest. The charitable donation idea is lovely, BUT I don''t think it really counts as a "favor" for the guest. I do see it as a noble alternative...but (and please don''t take this personally) it does feel disingenuous as a new custom to say the bride and groom are doing it in the guest''s name. Because, it''s really something the bride and groom are doing in honor of their wedding, right? Plus, they are the ones who get the benefit of the tax write off.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 12/15/2009 4:51:08 PM
Author: D2B
the bridal industry has a natural bias to say they are tacky as it means less favours are sold, and favours are all part of the whole shabang, iykwim.
I have never kept favours, unfortunately most get thrown out, so you might as well make a donation. better use of money by far.

the whole wedding industry can easily go over the top, the challenge is to pick what you want and that is it.

This exactly.

Bridal magazines are funded by consumers and advertisements. I''m sure advertisers aren''t too happy with the new trend to give donations instead of favors.

 

[megumic]

All great points! I appreciate the feedback. Not sure what we''ll decide in the end, but will keep you posted! I just keep figuring that if I can''t come up with a favor that is both reasonably priced and has practical uses, I might as well just scrap it.

Also, if anyone posting here has done this idea, I''d looooove to hear reactions!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I don''t want or expect favors at weddings, and I didn''t have one at my wedding either, unless you count the photobooth strips that people took home with them. However, I am not a fan of "in lieu of favors" donations either. I have many good-hearted friends who have done the donation thing, and while I wouldn''t call anyone I know tacky for it since I''m sure they have the best intentions, I usually find it somewhat distasteful to announce, "I am donating money to xyz charity" in most situations. Therefore, I wouldn''t choose to do it as a wedding favor. I also don''t think it should be considered a favor or a replacement of a favor. It is simply a nice gesture by the couple and not in any way a favor replacement to the guest.

I would prefer the couple donate the money in private and just leave "favors" out of the whole deal. Is a meal and open bar and entertainment not enough of a favor?

The only time I think it is really appropriate is if someone wants to honor a close family member who is not present.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/15/2009 6:06:37 PM
Author: megumic
All great points! I appreciate the feedback. Not sure what we''ll decide in the end, but will keep you posted! I just keep figuring that if I can''t come up with a favor that is both reasonably priced and has practical uses, I might as well just scrap it.

Also, if anyone posting here has done this idea, I''d looooove to hear reactions!

We did lottery tickets, they were put in little boxes that were wrapped like presents, and we added a new shiny 2009 penny. They cost us a little over $1.05/ea.

They definitely didn''t get thrown away and everyone got to enjoy them right there at the reception. You will come up with something! Just be creative!

 

[ash313]

Date: 12/15/2009 7:24:50 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure


I would prefer the couple donate the money in private and just leave 'favors' out of the whole deal.

Totally agree here.

Last fall, my cousin got married and decided she would do the "in lieu of favors" thing. They donated a decent chunk (not sure of the amount) to the local humane society (they are huge animal lovers). It was nice, and they had really lovely little cards printed up at every place setting telling their guests of this decision, with a nice ribbon wrapped around the middle. They had over 300 guests. So as I'm doing the math here, they spent $$ on those cards, getting them printed, the ribbons AND the labor to tie them all up - just to tell people they had given a gift to a non-profit. Seems, as mayachel said, disingenuous. Couldn't they have used the energy and resources they had spent on the donation and telling people about it to give a larger donation and perhaps spent a day volunteering at the humane society? If they really felt the need to tell people about it, one or two framed signs at the escort card table should suffice. Minimal expense. I know you could make this argument for just about ANY wedding splurge (money better spent elsewhere). I guess it's the part where the bride and groom feel the need to tell their guests how funds that would have been directed to an inexpensive giveaway were instead directed to a tax write-off for them that seems weird.

Since that wedding, I have been to 3 others, that did much the same thing. Now, to be honest, I am really not a fan of the trend, even though I had considered doing it when we first were engaged. For "favors," we will have a small bowl of matchboxes with our new last name and "Established 2010" by the bar. Sort of kitschy and fun. And I ALWAYS tuck matchboxes away in a little drawer and use them for candles. They were quite inexpensive, about $20 for 100.

I guess there is no right answer here, just wanted to share my two cents. I would never say the act of giving to a charity is in any way tacky, FWIW.

 

[kama_s]

We did a donation to our local children''s hospital (where I used to work and volunteer) and our guests really appreciated it. Absolutely nothing tacky about it. We also added little tins filled with mints and wrapped it with ribbon and the note re: the donation. The mints came to around 150$ for 75.

I like your idea about letting the guests decide the charity of their choice. I''d love to be part of that. I hope you don''t change your mind!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I wouldn''t see it as tacky. At least your ''favor'' supports something, rather than giving away a useless trinket.

As long as you''re not asking the guests to donate THEIR money, I don''t see it as tacky.

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/15/2009 7:33:11 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/15/2009 6:06:37 PM
Author: megumic
All great points! I appreciate the feedback. Not sure what we''ll decide in the end, but will keep you posted! I just keep figuring that if I can''t come up with a favor that is both reasonably priced and has practical uses, I might as well just scrap it.

Also, if anyone posting here has done this idea, I''d looooove to hear reactions!

We did lottery tickets, they were put in little boxes that were wrapped like presents, and we added a new shiny 2009 penny. They cost us a little over $1.05/ea.

They definitely didn''t get thrown away and everyone got to enjoy them right there at the reception. You will come up with something! Just be creative!

I LOVE this!

 

[megumic]

meresal, funny you should mention lotto tickets. That was one of our next ideas. Whenever I have a bad day J brings me home a $1 scratch off to cheer me up. It sounds ridiculous, but it can help (even if I lose!) So we thought this might also be an appropriate thing and even thought of a nice tag line: "Here''s to getting lucky tonight!" Also love the penny idea. I''m a huge fan of pennies on heads and I HAVE to pick them up. J used to live in a 5-story walk-up in NYC and one day he left a trail of pennies on heads. Being a total ditz, I thought it was just coincidence and walked in exclaiming how many pennies on heads I found on the way upstairs, not even thinking once that he had put each of them there for me to find. LOL.

Also, leeNY, matches came up as a good idea today too - very practical!

Thanks ladies!

 

[mayachel]

Date: 12/15/2009 10:46:24 PM
Author: megumic
J used to live in a 5-story walk-up in NYC and one day he left a trail of pennies on heads. Being a total ditz, I thought it was just coincidence and walked in exclaiming how many pennies on heads I found on the way upstairs, not even thinking once that he had put each of them there for me to find.

This is waaay too cute.

 

[caribqueen]

Tacky is a strong word, but I would just make the donation and not bother with all the "pomp and circumstance" of announcing it at every place setting. I like the idea of somewhere near where guests enter the reception.

I don''t think I''ve ever gone to a wedding and wondered, "I wonder what kind of wedding favor I''ll get this time?" It''s not important.

 

[VRBeauty]

The favors I've received that generally either consumed or tossed. So I'm a big fan of the donation option. Not. Tacky. At. All. IMHO.

I'd agree though with the low-key approach. So... if you want to honor your grandmother with a donation to the Alzheimer's association, why not a framed photo of grandma on one of the central tables with a card indicating that you will be making a donation to XXX good cause honor of your marriage and Grandma Megumic? If you can use one of Grandma Megumic's wedding photos... even better!



BTW: The only wedding favors I've ever kept were those given out by two of my sibs -- my favorite was inexpensive "jelly" sunglasses with the couple's name and wedding date imprinted on one of the earpieces. The only problem with that favor is that they ended up with a lot of photos of people wearing their sunglasses, and not a lot that showed their wedding guests' faces!

The other was a bag of flower seeds, worked into a ribbon flower, given by my mega gardener SIL. The seeds came from SIL's garden. She and I still exchange plant starts and seeds, so it was a most appropriate wedding favor!

 

[noelwr]

if you want to donate money, then just do it. it''s not really a favor as you aren''t giving something to your guests. and if you don''t want to give out favors you don''t have to explain why not.

 

[megumic]

Date: 12/16/2009 2:21:45 AM
Author: VRBeauty
The favors I''ve received that generally either consumed or tossed. So I''m a big fan of the donation option. Not. Tacky. At. All. IMHO.


I''d agree though with the low-key approach. So... if you want to honor your grandmother with a donation to the Alzheimer''s association, why not a framed photo of grandma on one of the central tables with a card indicating that you will be making a donation to XXX good cause honor of your marriage and Grandma Megumic? If you can use one of Grandma Megumic''s wedding photos... even better!

Thanks for this suggestion! We love the idea of honoring them with their own wedding photos and a note mentioning our donation in their honor. Thanks so much!

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/15/2009 10:46:24 PM
Author: megumic
meresal, funny you should mention lotto tickets. That was one of our next ideas. Whenever I have a bad day J brings me home a $1 scratch off to cheer me up. It sounds ridiculous, but it can help (even if I lose!) So we thought this might also be an appropriate thing and even thought of a nice tag line: 'Here's to getting lucky tonight!' Also love the penny idea. I'm a huge fan of pennies on heads and I HAVE to pick them up. J used to live in a 5-story walk-up in NYC and one day he left a trail of pennies on heads. Being a total ditz, I thought it was just coincidence and walked in exclaiming how many pennies on heads I found on the way upstairs, not even thinking once that he had put each of them there for me to find. LOL.

Also, leeNY, matches came up as a good idea today too - very practical!

Thanks ladies!

LOL! That is so funny about the pennies! DH always jokes that he is going to leave a trail of hard candies if we ever go to a new place, just in case I get lost.

Haven- Thanks! Everyone loved them, and I was REALLY hoping that someone would win big! A few guests got $20, but that was the highest.

I am trying to hunt down the pictures that we took while making them. The photog didn't get a single photo of them, because the guests had ripped into the favor boxes the minute they sat down. Everyone really enjoyed them and still talk about them to this day!

We found $1 tickets that were called "Perfect Match".

ETA: Funny thing about unused favors... I have a black leather clutch that has apparently become my "go-to" purse for weddings... well, after posting in this thread I went home and checked last night, there are 4 WEDDING FAVORS in there. All different weddings! (Flower seed packet, Bubbles, Koozie, and a Wine stopper with a heart on top!) LOL!

 

[Kelli]

I don''t think it''s tacky at all. I''m actually thinking about doing this for my wedding too. My dad passed away-- totally unexpectedly-- eight months ago today.

It was a TERRIBLE shock, because no one knew why. When the autopsy came back, it turned out he had cancer almost EVERYWHERE. Cancer that no one ever found. Although we''re glad he didn''t suffer like many cancer patients, it''s quite obvious to us that more needs to be done to learn about it. I was really looking forward to my dad walking me down the aisle, and now he can''t. I wanted to at least be able to honor him in some way at the wedding that wasn''t too gloomy. I thought about making up cards with his picture on it and a short note about us making a donation to cancer research in his honor. I haven''t really decided yet, but hearing that the wedding industry is calling this tacky is a bit rediculous.

People really need their <$1 bottle of bubbles that much?

 

[wyndham]

Date: 12/16/2009 5:21:06 AM
Author: noelwr
if you want to donate money, then just do it. it''s not really a favor as you aren''t giving something to your guests. and if you don''t want to give out favors you don''t have to explain why not.

Ditto this.

I''ve never understood why charitable donations have become popular substitutes for party favors. You can give your time and money to charity any other day of your life...use the wedding budget you have to give yourselves what you want for your ONE big day. For what it''s worth, I don''t think party favors are necessary at all: I would use the money you''ve set aside to upgrade some other component of the wedding that will bring you joy (enhance your bouquet, have your band or DJ stay an extra 30 minutes, upgrade your food or beverage package, etc.).

I donate to charities and volunteer my time regularly, but I don''t announce that to anyone when I do -- that''s probably why the individual donation cards seem almost like bragging to me. I also think it''s a little strange to drop major money on a whole wedding, but then donate a small portion of your funds (i.e. the ''favor'' budget) to a charity. I feel like if charity is truly a bride''s end goal (and not a fun celebration of her marriage), why wouldn''t she donate the band fund to charity and just use an iPod instead? Why not skip the cake and donate the cake budget to charity, too? Why even have a wedding if you could just donate your whole wedding budget to charity and go to City Hall? I don''t know, something about giving 1-2% of your wedding budget to charity just seems a little off to me -- I get that some brides want to think about others, but I don''t think your wedding day is the day you necessarily need to do that. Have your wonderful, beautiful, perfect wedding day be about you -- you can spend the rest of your life doing nice things for other people, but you only have one chance to have the wedding you want.

Megumic, I think your idea is really sweet and I think it''s wonderful that you want to honor your grandmother in some way. What about including a note about her in your ceremony program? Or having a framed photo of her on a table at your reception? I think these are all lovely, thoughtful, and more personal ways to honor her memory -- you could do the same for anyone else you and your FI want to honor. You''re clearly a very generous and caring person to consider the favor idea, so if you really want to give a donation in lieu of favors, I would just donate that money and not allude to it at your wedding. Do it because you want to make yourself happy, not because you feel like you owe your guests a favor of some kind.

Best of luck to you in the planning stages! Enjoy, it goes by quickly!

 

[purrfectpear]

Of course it''s tacky.

1. If you want to donate, do so, don''t tell anyone about it...it''s not their business.
2. If you want to support a charity, do so, don''t say it has anything to do with your guests...it doesn''t.
3. Please don''t pretend that your giving a gift to someone else has any thing to do with me...it doesn''t. I''ll do my own gifting, thank you.
4. No one attending your wedding expects party favors. Feel free to save the money and do what you will with it.

In summary it''s not tacky that you might decide to do something else with your money besides spend it on unneeded party favors, it''s tacky to discuss why you made the decision and what you did with the money instead. You don''t get "brownie points" for giving to a good cause vs. a bag of M&M''s.

 

[pinki]

Date: 12/15/2009 9:03:37 PM
Author: kama_s
We did a donation to our local children''s hospital (where I used to work and volunteer) and our guests really appreciated it. Absolutely nothing tacky about it. We also added little tins filled with mints and wrapped it with ribbon and the note re: the donation. The mints came to around 150$ for 75.

I like your idea about letting the guests decide the charity of their choice. I''d love to be part of that. I hope you don''t change your mind!

My girlfriend had this exact wording and I thought it was very special in lieu of favors. I adore the idea of being able to select which charity as well. NOT TACKY at all. I think that if I listened to theKnot or bridal magazines I''d be convinced 90% of my wedding was tacky!

There was actually just an article on theKnot about making a "day of" playlist filled with all the traditional wedding-ish songs like "white wedding" and "going to the chapel". While a cute idea I was thinking, "Like I need any more to do before the wedding..." and then I was reading a comment and a girl said "I need to find a wedding site that isn''t ran by people with OCD"...I directed here to PS.

Cj