Struggling with the sudden death of someone dear to me

[TooPatient]

Thank you for the amazing and thoughtful responses. The shock is beginning to wear off, but the first thing I think in the morning is "Is it still real?" The finality of it all is very overwhelming.

I have a counseling appointment next month on the 5th. It is a baby step, but an important one.

I'm glad you have an appointment made.

How are you doing?

 

[OreoRosies86]

Thank you for the amazing and thoughtful responses. The shock is beginning to wear off, but the first thing I think in the morning is "Is it still real?" The finality of it all is very overwhelming.

I have a counseling appointment next month on the 5th. It is a baby step, but an important one.

I'm glad you have an appointment made.

How are you doing?

Thank you for asking. I am doing ok. Tears come at random times now. I have found a lot of comfort in reading quietly and just doing mundane things like cooking and Christmas shopping. It will be a relief to see my family for the holidays. Mr. Elliot is dealing with things differently, he has been following the news very closely and plans to be present at the courthouse. I don't think it would do me any good to see a monster in person. He gets three meals, tv, gym, and a bed while Robin and Mani are just gone.

Some well meaning people have been gently trying to lead me to a mindset that maybe they are in heaven or that "everything happens for a reason", which is a whole different issue to explore in counseling. There was no reason for this. None.

 

[TooPatient]

Thank you for the amazing and thoughtful responses. The shock is beginning to wear off, but the first thing I think in the morning is "Is it still real?" The finality of it all is very overwhelming.

I have a counseling appointment next month on the 5th. It is a baby step, but an important one.

I'm glad you have an appointment made.

How are you doing?

Thank you for asking. I am doing ok. Tears come at random times now. I have found a lot of comfort in reading quietly and just doing mundane things like cooking and Christmas shopping. It will be a relief to see my family for the holidays. Mr. Elliot is dealing with things differently, he has been following the news very closely and plans to be present at the courthouse. I don't think it would do me any good to see a monster in person. He gets three meals, tv, gym, and a bed while Robin and Mani are just gone.

Some well meaning people have been gently trying to lead me to a mindset that maybe they are in heaven or that "everything happens for a reason", which is a whole different issue to explore in counseling. There was no reason for this. None.

Each person deals with stuff differently. If he feels he needs to be there, then it is probably good for him to go. If you don't feel like going, then don't.

I get what you mean about that monster getting to continue living while they are gone. This is a thing that really upsets me when they have stories in the news. These monsters get free healthcare and college and blurays and all that stuff while good people in the world don't even get enough food -- not to mention the people who are living without mothers/fathers/sons/daughters/friends because of them . I wish there was something I could say to make sense of this but there isn't.

I'm sorry people are trying to help by saying those things. They mean well.
Those are the same things I was told in the days after my grandmother died and it just hurt. I got so sick of having to listen to people saying stuff like that I just tried to avoid everyone. The days and weeks after her death are a blur so I don't remember if I actually yelled at someone who said one too many of those "helpful" things or if I was just screaming in my mind.
I know it doesn't help right now, but as the days and weeks go by you'll hear less of this.(be prepared for the possible emotions of NOT hearing this stuff too -- I went back and forth between relieved to not have to hear them anymore and angry/sad/hurt that the world had moved on)

Losing someone suddenly to violence IS absolutely senseless. It shouldn't happen. Ever.

 

[Calliecake]

Elliott,

I can feel your pain in every post. I'm so sorry honey. Everyone processes grief in their own way. Please do whatever feels right for you. I'm glad you made the appointment to speak with a counselor. In cases of violent crimes we want a reason for why this happened. Many times we don't get answers and if we do they make absolutely no sense to us. Please know we are all here for you. Hugs

 

[Polished]

I remember my mother in law coming over and telling me that my mother was now in a better place after she died. I'd just had a baby and was in no mood for that school of thought. Another christian friend of mine lost her husband young to bowel cancer. A well meaning person had written to her with a bible quote to the effect "that all things work together for the good". She told me the words went through her heart like a knife. Interestingly though I knew a wonderful minister who knew these weren't the kind of things to say to a bereaved person.

In the case of a murder though and I'm just looking at it objectively as I don't know the people who were murdered, I just feel defiant. The person who has murdered, has taken so much already I don't want them to take more. Inevitably others are affected and badly but what's great is when this is taken up by people and used to spread something positive. The outpouring of goodwill that followed this horrible event was such a positive sign of this. I think empowerment is a great thing, in such situations, where it might be all too easy and understandable to fall into a pattern of becoming a secondary victim to it all.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I remember my mother in law coming over and telling me that my mother was now in a better place after she died. I'd just had a baby and was in no mood for that school of thought. Another christian friend of mine lost her husband young to bowel cancer. A well meaning person had written to her with a bible quote to the effect "that all things work together for the good". She told me the words went through her heart like a knife. Interestingly though I knew a wonderful minister who knew these weren't the kind of things to say to a bereaved person.

In the case of a murder though and I'm just looking at it objectively as I don't know the people who were murdered, I just feel defiant. The person who has murdered, has taken so much already I don't want them to take more. Inevitably others are affected and badly but what's great is when this is taken up by people and used to spread something positive. The outpouring of goodwill that followed this horrible event was such a positive sign of this. I think empowerment is a great thing, in such situations, where it might be all too easy and understandable to fall into a pattern of becoming a secondary victim to it all.

I want to share a moment from the funeral. I have debated sharing it, but I want to because it was so beautiful and poignant given how Robin and Mani both died and lived. I have been struggling with my own anger and inability to wrap my feelings up into a neat pile, right now they are very messy and disorganized.

Years ago, one of Robin's friends was suffering the loss of her mother, and Robin sent her a card with this poem written in it, which she read at the memorial. As the crowd literally rocked with sobs I was in awe of her inate ability to tackle a subject like a friend's huge loss with such grace, and in that moment I was convinced that she left this world with that same kind of grace, even when seeing the face of evil in front of her.

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi