Stressed and Confused..

[*RubyRN*]

This is my first post on LIW, and it will probably sound familiar to some of you ladies so I''ll try to keep it short:

Been with my BF for 6 years, lived together the last year, love him to death although he sometimes frustrates me to no end. I have 4 very close girlfriends who I''ve known for 10+ years. 3 of the 4 have gotten married in the last 6 months, my BF and I have been together longer than all but one of those couples. The last girl left besides me has been with her BF for just over 2 years, and thinks he''s getting ready to propose soon (although she isn''t sure she wants to marry him). As many of you have said before, I am bombarded on a daily basis with questions like "Why hasn''t he proposed yet? When is he going to do it? Do you guys talk about it? What''s he waiting for? How long are you going to wait?" etc. etc. etc. My friends and family just won''t back down! The worst are the ones from the newly engaged and married girls - those realllllllllly get under my skin. It''s like we''ve talked about this several times and if anything had changed, I would already have told them so STOP asking PLEASE

!!

Now that I''ve vented some, I feel like we have a pretty strong relationship and it has really solidified over the last year. I became a nurse a little over a year ago, and this first year in the hospital (in addition to some family problems this year ) has been incredibly stressful for me and has effected our relationship, at first it made it worse but in the end it has made us stronger and more supportive of each other. It''s been really hard seeing all of our friends getting engaged and married because he knows that I''m ready now and starting to get impatient. We know that we want to get married, but for whatever reason he says he''s still "scared of marriage". He assures me that he''s not scared of marrying me, and that he knows I''m the one he wants to be with, but when I ask him what he''s scared of, he can''t give me an answer

. (sorry this is getting longer as more things pop into my head)

A couple of months ago he randomly started asking me questions about whether or not I like so-and-so''s e-ring, how about so-and-so#2''s e-ring? Shortly thereafter, he asked my friends (at one of their weddings) what kind of a ring I would like, and one of his friends was sort of hinting to me that it was coming. HOWEVER nothing happened. I got all excited and started looking at rings and stuff ( I didn''t say anything to him because I want the ring and the proposal to be completely up to him) and NOTHING HAPPENED. He''s not really the type to plan an elaborate secretive surprise, so i no longer think somethings coming. Last night, He said, "interesting pictures of jewelry I found on the computer" (meaning some e-ring pix i had saved JUST in case..). I got all teary-eyed and told him that someone had hinted awhile ago that it he was getting ready to propose so "I started looking at rings and got all excited but it obviously wasn''t true". He looked like he felt bad, asked me who told me that, and then said "I''m not saying it isn''t true".

I''m sick of waiting and even more sick of thinking about all of this. I''m happy with our relationship otherwise, but this is REALLY wearing on me. I''m sure you''ve heard this before, so I appreciate your listening to my rant (if you made it through the whole thing!)

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I am sorry you are having a hard time. But if you love your relationship then maybe you can focus on your blessings. It seems like he has it on his mind atleast. My mother taught me an important lesson about men, you can''t "push" them into anything...a little subliminal "pulling" in a direction is often more productive.

Have you had a timeline talk? Word of warning if you have the talk, DO NOT make ultimatums that you are not ready to follow thru with.

 

[janinegirly]

yup, all of us can relate: that sickeninig waiting feeling, tired of the questions from friends/family/skeptics, tired of having the 100th conversation with the bf about when and feeling reassured but then..nothing.
even though i''m marrying in less than 2 mos (eeeek!!), i still remember the waiting like it was yesterday!

but at first glance, i''d say your situation is very typcial..and usually means you have a bf who moves slowly and likes to have all things sorted out in his head before he moves forward. if something''s difficult, sometimes he puts it away in his head and just goes about his life. this type of boyfriend is verrry frustrating to ladies in waiting! all i can say is it def seems like he wants to move forward and has taken some real steps (looking at rings and more importantly ASKING your friends what you like), but maybe he hit on a stumbling block that stalled him. So good news is he''s likely working on it. Bad news is he''s stalling and hopefully that''s due to laziness and not second thoughts. Another factor to keep in mind is that over time you may grow more frustrated and start to resent the whole process of waiting.

There is no easy answer--you just have to find out what your limit is and how important the overall relationship is to you vs. the waiting and outside pressure. if this is driving you crazy and making you resent him, it''s time to look at the big picture--because wedding and marriage can be even more stressful than waiting at times. if you do love this guy and are SURE he''s the one, then you have no choice but to be patient because guys (if you like the traditional approach) hold all the power when it comes to "when." The only thing you can do in the meantime is have another convo with him and say what this is doing to you and ask him if there''s anything holding him back because you are ready NOW. Be direct but NOT confrontational about it.

And also remember that you are VERY young. Marriage will be 50+ more years and you''ve been with him since you were 18. Be sure this is solid for the long haul, even if it means more waiting.

Those are my thoughts for now..a big welcome to you though--you will find a lot of solice and camaraderie here--you are SO not alone!

 

[Miscka]

welcome to the LIW!

Sorry about your frustration, hopefully hanging out here will help.

Threadjack alert: PLEASE tell me about your adorable dog! Is that a boxer?

 

[*RubyRN*]

Yep- that''s my boxer baby Unfortunately, I have much cuter pictures of her but for some reason I get an error message when I try to upload them as my avatar. I''ll try to get more pix up soon- she''s such a cutey!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Try renaming the file or putting random numbers behind

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmmm... I don't mean to be a downer, but I wonder what's going on here. If he has said repeatedly that he's scared of marriage, but doesn't say exactly why, that could well translate as "it's just not something I want right now." He could love you to the ends of the earth, but half of finding the right person and getting hitched is timing. He might just feel he is too young to have such a HUGE responsibility. Or he might want to sew his wild oats and worry that he'll feel he missed out on exploring if he settles down so soon. If any of these are the case, and they are VERY common feelings among both guys AND girls, he probably wouldn't want to say so since it could hurt your feelings.

If that's true, none of it means he doesn't love you to pieces. Just that timing thing. It could be that you are at that point and he is not. Knowing how much YOU want to get married, he might make occasional ring noises because he's scared of losing you and trying to talk himself into it. But if he is still saying 'I don't think I want marriage right now. I'm scared.' you should maybe LISTEN to him!

In terms of the "everyone is getting married but meeee" thing, people often respond on this board about how, if you wait 5 years, some of them will start getting divorced. Life doesn't move in a straight line forward as it can sometimes seem from the beginning of it, so you shouldn't feel like it's a race!

Have you talked extensively about your future together? Where you would live? Whether you want kids? How many and when? Whether one of you would stay home? What your goals are and whether they are compatible? What sacrifices you are willing to make? These are all things that should be seriously and thoroughly discussed before you decide to marry someone... and therefore before anyone is shopping for rings.

Time to have a grown up sit down hash it out talk with your bf? Not a "why aren't you ready to marry meeeee?" but a "what do you want out of life? where do you see yourself in 5 yrs? 10 yrs?" If he doesn't see himself married or with babies in 5 years without you prompting him, then consider that he's just not ready at that relatively young age and then pushing him might be a mistake. At that point, it's not 'commitment phobia'. It's entirely, errrr, normal to not be ready yet.

BTW, I also think you dog is ridiculously cute.

 

[jennypoo]

Oh Ruby, I can SO relate to you! I''ve been with my BF for 8 years on the 24th of this month, and the questions from co-workers/family/friends just will not stop! I''ve come to the point where it just makes me sick to think about it, yet I can''t put it out of my mind. I''m also one of the last of my group of friends to get engaged/married, and like you, we''ve been dating the longest out of all of them! Quite frankly, it makes me feel like you-know-what! Yet still, he assures me that I''m the one, he DOES want to marry me, blah blah blah. We own a house together, and he insists he NEVER would''ve taken that step if marriage wasn''t in the wings. So what the HELL is he waiting for?

I really wish I had some advice for you, but I don''t. All I can say is that I totally sympathize with your situation and that I hear ya, sista!

 

[whenharrymetsally]

Ruby, I''m soo sorry you are going through this fustration but I can absolutely understand every single word of it! I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years (we just got engaged last week) and i had spent years and years and years feeling the same way you do. Sometimes men are funny. They need to find their own time and pace to move forward. Neither of us are young. I am 34 and he''s 36 and we are one of the VERY last couples to get engaged/married. Our families and friends have spent years and years and years hounding us and pestering us wondering when and if we would ever get married. It got to the point where i would get upset when we had to attend a wedding becuase i felt i would never have one of my own. He spent years telling me that we would not get married he doesn''t wnat to get married etc. (he came from a divorced family so he was very very afriad of the committment). I would look at rings and jewellery and he would say, why are you looking at that, we''re not going to get married etc... Not that he didn''t want to spend the rest of his life with me, he knew he did, but he was afraid that once he committed, things would go bad. I guess what i''m trying to say is... as fustrating as i know it is and as painful as i know it is, if you have faith in your relationship and know he loves you and vice versa, sometimes the best thing to do is to take it as it is. If it happens, it will be wonderful, but if it doesnt, you still know that you love this man and he loves you. Men are funny creatures. He spent all those years actually telling me he never wanted to or even intended to get married, but once they make up their minds, they will do it. My fiance is the type that cannot keep a secret from me for more than 10 mins and we are the type that would give each other xmas presents and open them the first week of December. But with our engagement he actually planned for months without my knowledge and blew me away. So Ruby, if you know your relationship is solid and you love this man and you know he loves you...try to remember that and know that one day if/when it does happen, it will be the most special thing for you.

Hugs,
WHMS

 

[bee*]

definitely know exactly how you feel. Im with my bf 8 years also we have had many chats about it. Having a timeline works very well as at least you know it is coming rather than waiting indefinitely. We actually bought our ring last month and so now Im eagerly awaiting it! He''s a lot more into it now that he has the ring. I agree with the others in that you need to sit down and have a proper talk and he needs to tell you how he''s feeling also. Best of luck!!

 

[DMBsGirl]

i can totally empathize with your situation. I will have been with my boyfriend nine years next month. (To be fair, we got together very young-17 and 18- and broke up for 8 months two years ago.) Engagement was not something I REALLY wanted until about a year ago...but let me tell you that year has been torturous! Add to that the fact that most of my college friends have gotten engaged, married and some even pregnant in the time I have been waiting! Everyone also looks at us like "what is taking so long?" None of my married/engaged friends have been together as long as my boyfriend and I. It''s super hard to NOT compare yourself to others, but in reality every relationship is different. As many smart ladies on this board have told me, the fact that someone got engaged/married before you does not guarantee that their relationship will last. I know my boyfriend wants to marry me, but financially, it has taken him longer than other people to be ready to propose (mainly because he wanted to own where we live versus renting, something i am truly happy he did--you can''t live in a ring!) I do however, suggest that a timeline be discussed. I was given a timeline of this year and it definitely made things easier on me. It allows you to chill a little and let him do his thing. Some guys take the proposal very seriously and want it to be wonderful and spectacular (and this takes planning unfortunately!) I think most of the confusion and hurt feelings come from doubting that he wants to marry you, once you know that he is thinking about it and it will happen in X amount of months/years then you should feel better.

 

[*RubyRN*]

First of all, thanks to all who replied- it helps to hear new points of view

Iwannaprettyone: We have had flimsy timeline talks, however I have never made any ultimatums because I know I wouldn''t follow thru- I will wait until he''s ready. Subliminal pulling...sounds better than pushing!

IndependentGal: I appreciate your perspective. It''s true, we are still relatively young, and I can see how that can be a factor in the waiting. However, we did break up a couple of years ago for that very reason and so that we could sew our wild oats, etc. etc. But after 6 months we realized that all we wanted was each other and began talking a lot more seriously about the future. Yes, we have talked extensively about our future; we plan to stay here in our hometown, both work until we have kids (2-3) when I will stay home (as long as we are financially stable) until they are old enough for school.

WhenHarryMetSally: I am so glad to hear your situation! We''ve been talking a lot lately and he''s recently explained to me that a huge reason why he''s "scared" to get married is because of all of the failed marriages in his family, specifically his parents. REALLY messy situation, they''re still technically "married" although they live in separate houses, etc. He unfortunately has not had good examples of healthy relationships
while I have happily-married-for-35-years parents. I''m starting to think that has a lot more to do with his hesitation than I previous understood.

Thanks everyone! I''ll keep you updated with any progress