STD Etiquette Question

[megumic]

So we all have the guests we HAVE to invite just out of pure courtesy. But is it acceptable to send save the dates to those you really want to come, and skip sending them to those you''d prefer to not come or think won''t come???

If there''s no way these "unwanted" guests would find out STD''s were sent, is it acceptable to skip sending them a STD and just send them the invitation later?

 

[Haven]

That doesn''t sound like a very nice thing to do.

Etiquette does not endorse slighting people, its function is to create environments that allow people to feel comfortable by setting up common expectations and standards.

Are you sure you have to invite these people?

 

[MagsyMay]

I agree with Haven that at first blush, it doesn''t sound very nice. Do you have to send STDs? People went to wedding for decades with no save the dates, so I don''t see why it is necessarily required these days. Or possibly you could send STDs only to OOT guests? Or send informal email ones to younger friends of the bride and groom only? That way you are not excluding people because you do not want them to come, but rather maybe it was a budgeting decision?

Not sure what the specifics of your situation are, but I think purposely excluding people because you do not want them to come is a no-no. That being said (coming off of attending an OOT wedding this past weekend where NOTHING was done "properly"), it''s your wedding, do what you want, but not in a way that it is hurtful to guests'' feelings.

 

[meresal]

We only sent STD's to everyone execpt a few of my parents friends. My parents are members at a country club, and they were going thru some drama, so we waited and just sent invitations to the ones that were still around friends once the time came to send the actual invites.

I would never hold out a STD, hoping that someone would make other plans in the mean time. Why would you invite someone you didn't really want to be there. What's the point? Are these people that YOU or your FI are inviting, or are these some of your parents friends or your family?

 

[Morgie44]

We only sent STD''s to part of our guest list, but it was for the opposite reason... We hadn''t planned on sending them, then my cousin decided he should get married 2 wks before us, so we only sent them to that side of the family (that would be invited to both weddings). It leaves me a little ''icky'' feeling to not send an STD because you are hoping they won''t come! In all likelihood, if they are people that you are inviting out of obligation, not because you are actually close to them, they won''t come anyway.

 

[swingirl]

I don''t know when STDs became popular but it is a new courtesy. So a generation ago we sent out invitations and that was it. I don''t think STDs are required for anyone. I also don''t think people get together on the side and talk about their STDs. Send out what you want to whom you want and don''t feel guilty. There will always be people that are closer to you who you want more than others.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Date: 9/29/2009 9:58:02 AM
Author: swingirl
I don''t know when STDs became popular but it is a new courtesy. So a generation ago we sent out invitations and that was it. I don''t think STDs are required for anyone. I also don''t think people get together on the side and talk about their STDs. Send out what you want to whom you want and don''t feel guilty. There will always be people that are closer to you who you want more than others.

Agreed. If you plan on sending them an invite, then that''s nice enough. I don''t think you''re really slighting them. It''s not like you''re tricking them in any way. If you sent them an invite, they''re invited. A STD just gives them more time to plan.

I went through this too. In the end, I''m just sending one to everyone with the exception of a few people that I KNOW aren''t going to come (nor care if they come b/c they were put on the list by MIL). It also prevented me from having to order the next quantity tier of STD just to.

 

[megumic]

Thanks everyone for your input! All is duly noted and appreciated!

 

[Munchkin]

For a variety of reasons, we only sent STDs to family. For us, that was a clear line.

An example: my office is that tough size where everyone knows each other well and is aware of all big life events, but if all attended our guest list would have grown by 40 people. If I invited just the people I was closest to, others would have their feelings hurt. (That is currently playing out in the office right now with a coworkers wedding, and it's a bit ugly.) With the additional understanding that we often have people that only last a few months, I didn't want to risk sending an STD (and thereby be required to send an invite) to someone who no longer worked there.

I will be frank, they all knew the wedding date but I thought more people would opt out if they only had the 8 weeks notice the invite gave. I never mentioned that I had sent STDs to family. We invited everyone and probably 30 people from my office came. Also, two people who were working there at the time I mailed the STDs were no longer working there by the wedding.

Was it rotten of me to make the conscious choice to save STDs for family? Maybe. I don't think it makes me a bad person, though. We have huge families and our guest list was 270 people. I never wanted that big a wedding. I knew I "had" to invite a kajillion people and I thought selective STDs would end up eliminating some of those people we invited out of courtesy.

I can honestly say that of all our guests, probably 80 were not family, and a dozen of those were clients my parents insisted on inviting. No matter what the relationship (even my parent's best friends) non family members did not get an STD.

 

[cara]

We sent STDs to most (not all) OOT guests and locals that were in the wedding. Which was well over half the guest list. But we did not sent STDs to most of our local friends or a few random OOT guests that we added at the last minute not because we didn''t like them but because we needed the flexibility in our guest count until we got a more firm idea of how many of the OOT guests were coming and if renovations to our venue had actually taken place and expanded its capacity. (When we signed, the venue had said they planned to expand over the winter but what if they didn''t??) We also figured that locals would not have to make elaborate travel arrangements in advance, and if they scheduled something else that weekend we and they would just be out of luck.

So others might correctly fault you on your motivation for sending STDs to some guests and not others, but I obviously think there is a place for it if your heart is in the right place.