Splitting the Holidays (long)

[joflier]

I''m having a holiday vent moment. Splittting holiday time between our families.

DH and I are having a disagreement (mildly put) about spending time with who on Christmas (and xmas eve). Bear in mind, both our families live within 1/2 an hour of our home. Usually for the holidays, we''ve been splitting the days. We got to my family for lunch time and leave in the early afternoon - usually after about 2-3 hours. And then we go to his family gathering for the remainder of the afternoon and evening, usually leaving around 10 or 11 at night.

Ok. So it started with this - He told his mother that we were going to spend Christmas eve with his family. At OUR house. But (there''s always a but) he forgot to tell me about this. I feel like that''s kinda important. I don''t really like someone deciding who we''re going to spend Christmas eve with (and that we''re hosting it) without a conversation first. I think that''s rude and inconsiderate, and I said as much.
Ok. So that started our "disagreement". I said fine. We can do that. I''m not happy about the way you went about this. But that''s ok. But then I would like spend the majority of Christmas day with my family. Not just lunch time. I want to stay the whole day and into the evening. And then maybe around 8 or so, if his family is still together, we can drop by for an hour or two. Well no. He started going off about how he doesn''t enjoy my family, and starts bringing up every quote I''ve ever said over the last 7 years about how I supposedly don''t either. Most of these quotes were being taken so far out of context and were something I was saying in the heat of a moment vent about my family, that we all have from time to time. I love my family, and I enjoy being with them. Period. And he really does enjoy my family for the most part. We go over there for dinner with my mom and dad quite frequently, and he enjoys that time very much. Then he goes on to say, that he can''t imigane not seeing the look of joy on his ailing grandmother''s face as she opens her gifts on Christmas day. Well, she''s not really ailing. She has bad knees, so she doesn''t get around the best, but otherwise, she''s in fine health. Secondly, he and the other men in the family usually head downstairs to visit and do their own men thing while the older women in the family open gifts. He doesn''t even stick around for that. What a crock of an arguement. This is a little shortened of what all has transpired, but you get the general idea. I just feel like his arguement is just manipulative and selfish.

My parents feel hurt, because every holiday, he''s kinda pushing us out the door after dinner to get to his family. And they can see that, and feel that he doesn''t care for them and want to spend time with them. And my mom was on the phone all emotional with me because of it. And I don''t blame her. They''ve gotten jipped on spending time with us in reguards to the holidays. He has always favored his family. That''s not anything new, but its just coming to a head right now. Its not even something we can have a decent conversation about. He just automatically gets super defensive, and his family (extended, not just the parents and siblings) can just do no wrong.

Do any of you have a difficult time with splitting holiday time? Any solutions that you''ve found? I just am at a loss right now. I feel like he just doesn''t have any respect for my feelings when it comes to families.

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m really sorry you are feeling this way joflier. I''ve always thought that having family live close means not getting this headache but I''ve heard from a lot of people sometimes it makes it worse.

My mom lives 3 hours away. We''ve had battles over the years about what to do for the holidays. I adore his family and he adores mine but our traditions are so different. His mom always does a dinner at her home for her "boys" which include her husband, my FI, and his brother. But his brother normally shows up to grab his food and leave. FI will eat and spend most of the time watching TV in his old room. And his mom and dad will just sit outside listening to music. That''s great but its not like my house. The holidays is family time. We are all there. We all spend time together. The TV doesn''t come on. So when I have to spend that time with either him in the bedroom watching TV or outside chatting about nonsense, I get really upset.

What we''ve done to compromise is that before the holidays come around, we agree on who to spend the holidays with and no matter what we stick to the plan. We "dedicate" one holiday to each family and that''s it. This year Thanksgiving was with his family. I could have easily drove the next day to my mom''s house but didn''t because that was our deal. Christmas is with my family. Because he didn''t get the 26th off, he is complaining that we have to drive 3 hours on the evening of the 24th and then drive another 3 hrs on the afternoon of the 25th. I don''t care. A deal is a deal.

Is it possible that perhaps your family can join you and your husband on the 24th for dinner? I realize that would probably be more work for you but maybe you can start brining the families together for the holidays so that in the future you can spend the holidays all in one place.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/19/2008 11:13:41 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I''m really sorry you are feeling this way joflier. I''ve always thought that having family live close means not getting this headache but I''ve heard from a lot of people sometimes it makes it worse.

My mom lives 3 hours away. We''ve had battles over the years about what to do for the holidays. I adore his family and he adores mine but our traditions are so different. His mom always does a dinner at her home for her ''boys'' which include her husband, my FI, and his brother. But his brother normally shows up to grab his food and leave. FI will eat and spend most of the time watching TV in his old room. And his mom and dad will just sit outside listening to music. That''s great but its not like my house. The holidays is family time. We are all there. We all spend time together. The TV doesn''t come on. So when I have to spend that time with either him in the bedroom watching TV or outside chatting about nonsense, I get really upset.

What we''ve done to compromise is that before the holidays come around, we agree on who to spend the holidays with and no matter what we stick to the plan. We ''dedicate'' one holiday to each family and that''s it. This year Thanksgiving was with his family. I could have easily drove the next day to my mom''s house but didn''t because that was our deal. Christmas is with my family. Because he didn''t get the 26th off, he is complaining that we have to drive 3 hours on the evening of the 24th and then drive another 3 hrs on the afternoon of the 25th. I don''t care. A deal is a deal.

Is it possible that perhaps your family can join you and your husband on the 24th for dinner? I realize that would probably be more work for you but maybe you can start brining the families together for the holidays so that in the future you can spend the holidays all in one place.

Thanks for your post fiery. I thought about combing the families on the 24th. But I think his family would feel badly. They''ve always felt that thats "their" day. Meaning just the folks and siblings and spouses (cuz the 25 with their family also includes extended family). Plus my dad is really nervous and uncomfortable in social settings. Even though he knows them, he doesn''t like being around other people. And I respect that of him. Plus my brother and his wife can only come to town on Christmas day, as he works Christmas eve.

I think you guys have a good arrangement. I feel like maybe we should start doing something like that, but dh is just not in agreement with that at all!

 

[fieryred33143]

Ah I see. Yeah, that makes it difficult if he isn''t in agreement.

I have to say that I agree with you. If you are going to go through all the effort of spending all of the 24th with them, then all of the 25th should be with your family. That''s only the fair thing to do. Hopefully he''ll come around.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Oh, Jo, I''m sorry. That really sucks.

For what it''s worth, I totally agree that it was WAY out of line for your DH to offer to host his family''s Christmas Eve get together at your house without discussing it with you first. It''s YOUR holiday, too . . . not just his! I''m sure he wouldn''t have been thrilled if you had done this to him either, am I right???

I think that, since you have agreed to go along with his big plan for Christmas Eve, the least he can do is agree to spend more time at your parents'' house on Christmas Day. I think that''s only fair under the circumstances . . . especially considering the fact that he didn''t check ANY of this with you before telling his family. UGH! I''m so mad for you!

I guess I''m lucky . . . DH and my parents LOVE each other! My Stepdad has two sons from a previous marriage, so I have two younger stepbrothers (who are seriously like brothers to me), and I always joke that I used to be my Mom and Stepdad''s "favorite" child until I married DH . . . now HE''S their favorite! LOL!

We split our holidays kind of similar to how you guys do it, only in reverse (if that makes any sense). For example, on Thanksgiving Day, we go to DH''s grandmother''s house for lunch, and then we leave there at about 3:00 p.m. to go to my Mom and Stepdad''s house for dinner. We usually wind up spending equal time with both families on Thanksgiving, more or less. On Christmas Day, we''re going to be with my family for lunch, and then we''re going to DH''s mom''s house afterwards for dessert. We usually just spend Christmas Eve with each other, hanging out at home. Also, my Mom and Stepdad have a small get together at their house around Christmas . . . sometimes it''s on Christmas Eve, but usually not (this year it''s on the 26th) and we go to that every year as well.

It''s so hard splitting up holidays. I think we each get so used to how the holiday is "supposed" to be celebrated, and we become very emotionally attached to those traditions, which makes it that much harder to compromise when we get married and have to do the holiday splitting thing. I''m so sorry your DH is being kind of a jerk about this, but I''m sure you guys will get it worked out somehow. No matter what, just don''t let it ruin your Christmas!!! ((((HUGS))))

 

[Pandora II]

You poor thing - it's such a total nightmare!

We have 3 sets to contend with as DH's parents are divorced. DH and I are also both one of 4 kids so a lot of people to organise!

My parents are 2 hours South East of us, FIL is 3 hours North of us and MIL is another 2 hours North West after that...

This year the plan is:

Christmas Eve night + Christmas Day morning with FIL
Christmas lunch, evening and Boxing Day with MIL
Then we will drive back to London on the Saturday and down to my parents on the Sunday.

Last year, we spent the weekend before Christmas with the in-laws and then spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day lunch with my parents.

Last year was particularly joyful when FIL's wife was sectioned on Christmas Eve - with him stuck in hospital recovering from a knee operation - and then escaped and had to be removed by the police....

From this year onwards things will have to change as lots of us are now married and have kids, which makes staying anywhere difficult or expensive. I think we will start to do our own Christmas's and just drive over for lunch with relatives.

My parents and my MIL are totally cool about whatever we want to do - it's FIL who gets all upset if we're not all there.

FIL's wife's kids all come over for xmas as well (their father is dead). They're a lot younger than DH and I and none of us really get on so it's all quite awkward - especially since DH and his brothers loathe his father's wife (the sectioned one - who is much improved now she's on medication!).

Oh the joys of Christmas....


ETA: Totally out of line for your DH to make arrangements without consulting you first.

Mine did that once, with friends not family, so I didn't say anything to him, I just rang everyone (in front of him) and told them that I was having to cancel as he hadn't consulted me first and there was an existing arrangement that couldn't be moved...sorry!

Lets just say that he has NEVER done it again.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/19/2008 12:29:36 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Oh, Jo, I''m sorry. That really sucks.

For what it''s worth, I totally agree that it was WAY out of line for your DH to offer to host his family''s Christmas Eve get together at your house without discussing it with you first. It''s YOUR holiday, too . . . not just his! I''m sure he wouldn''t have been thrilled if you had done this to him either, am I right???

I think that, since you have agreed to go along with his big plan for Christmas Eve, the least he can do is agree to spend more time at your parents'' house on Christmas Day. I think that''s only fair under the circumstances . . . especially considering the fact that he didn''t check ANY of this with you before telling his family. UGH! I''m so mad for you!

I guess I''m lucky . . . DH and my parents LOVE each other! My Stepdad has two sons from a previous marriage, so I have two younger stepbrothers (who are seriously like brothers to me), and I always joke that I used to be my Mom and Stepdad''s ''favorite'' child until I married DH . . . now HE''S their favorite! LOL!

We split our holidays kind of similar to how you guys do it, only in reverse (if that makes any sense). For example, on Thanksgiving Day, we go to DH''s grandmother''s house for lunch, and then we leave there at about 3:00 p.m. to go to my Mom and Stepdad''s house for dinner. We usually wind up spending equal time with both families on Thanksgiving, more or less. On Christmas Day, we''re going to be with my family for lunch, and then we''re going to DH''s mom''s house afterwards for dessert. We usually just spend Christmas Eve with each other, hanging out at home. Also, my Mom and Stepdad have a small get together at their house around Christmas . . . sometimes it''s on Christmas Eve, but usually not (this year it''s on the 26th) and we go to that every year as well.

It''s so hard splitting up holidays. I think we each get so used to how the holiday is ''supposed'' to be celebrated, and we become very emotionally attached to those traditions, which makes it that much harder to compromise when we get married and have to do the holiday splitting thing. I''m so sorry your DH is being kind of a jerk about this, but I''m sure you guys will get it worked out somehow. No matter what, just don''t let it ruin your Christmas!!! ((((HUGS))))

Thanks Emm!

Yeah, if I pulled a stunt like that on him, there would be some serious stuff hittin the fan. But I think you nailed it, saying that we get attached to our own traditions. That''s so true. Its just so frustrating, because we''re usually pretty good at accomodating the other for things, but for some reason this is just such a pressure point. And what made me mad was that this whole conversation started because he was upset at a few of his relatives about some stuff and was grumbling about Christmas day. So I said.......well, under the circumstances, maybe it would be easier for us to spend more of Christmas day with my family. Hmmmmm.......no.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/19/2008 1:33:17 PM
Author: Pandora II
You poor thing - it''s such a total nightmare!

We have 3 sets to contend with as DH''s parents are divorced. DH and I are also both one of 4 kids so a lot of people to organise!

My parents are 2 hours South East of us, FIL is 3 hours North of us and MIL is another 2 hours North West after that...

This year the plan is:

Christmas Eve night + Christmas Day morning with FIL
Christmas lunch, evening and Boxing Day with MIL
Then we will drive back to London on the Saturday and down to my parents on the Sunday.

Last year, we spent the weekend before Christmas with the in-laws and then spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day lunch with my parents.

Last year was particularly joyful when FIL''s wife was sectioned on Christmas Eve - with him stuck in hospital recovering from a knee operation - and then escaped and had to be removed by the police....

From this year onwards things will have to change as lots of us are now married and have kids, which makes staying anywhere difficult or expensive. I think we will start to do our own Christmas''s and just drive over for lunch with relatives.

My parents and my MIL are totally cool about whatever we want to do - it''s FIL who gets all upset if we''re not all there.

FIL''s wife''s kids all come over for xmas as well (their father is dead). They''re a lot younger than DH and I and none of us really get on so it''s all quite awkward - especially since DH and his brothers loathe his father''s wife (the sectioned one - who is much improved now she''s on medication!).

Oh the joys of Christmas....


ETA: Totally out of line for your DH to make arrangements without consulting you first.

Mine did that once, with friends not family, so I didn''t say anything to him, I just rang everyone (in front of him) and told them that I was having to cancel as he hadn''t consulted me first and there was an existing arrangement that couldn''t be moved...sorry!

Lets just say that he has NEVER done it again.

Thanks for your post Pandora. I guess I should be grateful we only have the 2 sets of parents! Boy that must get complicated.

Oh, and I should add that he''s kind of done this before with making plans without talking to me first. He actually made our wedding date before he even proposed or talked to me about it (cuz it was the perfect day for his family)! He had the pastor that married us all arranged, and a few of his out of state relatives had gotten plane tickets already. I think I was way to agreeable at that point in our lives.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/19/2008 2:01:30 PM
Author: joflier
Thanks for your post Pandora. I guess I should be grateful we only have the 2 sets of parents! Boy that must get complicated.

Oh, and I should add that he''s kind of done this before with making plans without talking to me first. He actually made our wedding date before he even proposed or talked to me about it (cuz it was the perfect day for his family)! He had the pastor that married us all arranged, and a few of his out of state relatives had gotten plane tickets already. I think I was way to agreeable at that point in our lives.

O. M. G.

Seriously?!?! He not only picked your wedding date BEFORE even proposing to you, but he then went so far as to TELL HIS FAMILY?!?! And he must have told his family that it was absolutely a "sure thing," since they went so far as to BUY PLANE TICKETS before he even proposed?!?! Wow. That man is seriously self-confident. Most guys are nervous when they propose, because there''s always the small chance that she''ll say "no." And what if you HAD said no, or what if the date he picked didn''t work for YOU and YOUR family??? I''m sure he would have felt just great calling his relatives and the pastor to call everything off.

Jo, please don''t take this the wrong way, but it seems like your DH is a bit inconsiderate when it comes to making plans with you. I know you love him, and I''m sure he''s a great guy, but I think this is probably a bigger issue for you guys than just the holiday splitting. Have you guys talked about this issue in the past? If not, maybe it''s time to have a serious conversation with him and set some very clear boundaries.

 

[luckystar112]

Joflier, your DH sounds a lot like mine...especially when it come to thinking that his family can do no wrong. I am lucky that our families live in different states, or who knows if we''d have arguments over holidays.
After 5 years of being together he is FINALLY coming with me to Maine. The last two years we spent in Virginia and before that we just spent holidays seperate. I really resented all the time we spent in Virginia with his family. Since we are in Texas it isn''t like I can see my family whenever I want.

A few weeks after returning back from Christmas in Virginia last year, we went to a restaurant where we started talking about our holday plans for the next year (this year). I made the comment that I would really like to spend Christmas in Maine next year. His reaction was more of a "we''ll see" rather than a "Yes, that''s fair", and so I got a little angry. I told him I will be going to Maine, and he can come with me or go to Virginia. HE gets to decide if he wants to spend our first Christmas as a married couple separate or together. And then he told me that he thought I was being selfish. Selfish? Really? Two Christmases, 3 summer vacations, and a trip to Italy with his family is selfish? Somehow that is more selfish than the THREE days he spent with me in Maine back in 2004? That was bewildering. He was obviously dense. Luckily he has finally seen the light. I think getting married has made him want to make things more evenly balanced between us...but this is only the first year so I guess we''ll see!

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/19/2008 2:11:42 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 12/19/2008 2:01:30 PM
Author: joflier
Thanks for your post Pandora. I guess I should be grateful we only have the 2 sets of parents! Boy that must get complicated.

Oh, and I should add that he''s kind of done this before with making plans without talking to me first. He actually made our wedding date before he even proposed or talked to me about it (cuz it was the perfect day for his family)! He had the pastor that married us all arranged, and a few of his out of state relatives had gotten plane tickets already. I think I was way to agreeable at that point in our lives.

O. M. G.

Seriously?!?! He not only picked your wedding date BEFORE even proposing to you, but he then went so far as to TELL HIS FAMILY?!?! And he must have told his family that it was absolutely a ''sure thing,'' since they went so far as to BUY PLANE TICKETS before he even proposed?!?! Wow. That man is seriously self-confident. Most guys are nervous when they propose, because there''s always the small chance that she''ll say ''no.'' And what if you HAD said no, or what if the date he picked didn''t work for YOU and YOUR family??? I''m sure he would have felt just great calling his relatives and the pastor to call everything off.

Jo, please don''t take this the wrong way, but it seems like your DH is a bit inconsiderate when it comes to making plans with you. I know you love him, and I''m sure he''s a great guy, but I think this is probably a bigger issue for you guys than just the holiday splitting. Have you guys talked about this issue in the past? If not, maybe it''s time to have a serious conversation with him and set some very clear boundaries.

Not taken wrongly at all. Oh yes, we''ve had the inconsideracy communication gap conversation before. Or we''ve tried to. He then brings up things that I''ve forgotten to tell him. Which he''s correct on, except that the stuff I forget, or don''t tell him about until later, is way smaller in comparison with his stuff. But he sees it vice versa. That the stuff he''s not told me of is small, and mine to be a big deal. Of course, I think myself to be in the right. But that''s a matter of opinon I suppose.

With our wedding, if it became a major thing with my family, we would have changed it. Luckily it was not a problem. Although I certainly would have preferred a different time of year. But again with that - it just came down to HIS family. Because our world revolves around them. Their the sun and we''re just little moons basking in the glow of their orbit.
Ok. That wasn''t very nice. I really do love his family, and he mine. With my personality, I could very easily compromise and just do what we always do. I''d be cool with that. And I''d enjoy myself, and so would he. But I''m not caving, just because I don''t think I should have to. I gotta stand up just for showing the principle of having legs, know what I mean?

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/19/2008 2:18:24 PM
Author: luckystar112
Joflier, your DH sounds a lot like mine...especially when it come to thinking that his family can do no wrong. I am lucky that our families live in different states, or who knows if we''d have arguments over holidays.
After 5 years of being together he is FINALLY coming with me to Maine. The last two years we spent in Virginia and before that we just spent holidays seperate. I really resented all the time we spent in Virginia with his family. Since we are in Texas it isn''t like I can see my family whenever I want.

A few weeks after returning back from Christmas in Virginia last year, we went to a restaurant where we started talking about our holday plans for the next year (this year). I made the comment that I would really like to spend Christmas in Maine next year. His reaction was more of a ''we''ll see'' rather than a ''Yes, that''s fair'', and so I got a little angry. I told him I will be going to Maine, and he can come with me or go to Virginia. HE gets to decide if he wants to spend our first Christmas as a married couple separate or together. And then he told me that he thought I was being selfish. Selfish? Really? Two Christmases, 3 summer vacations, and a trip to Italy with his family is selfish? Somehow that is more selfish than the THREE days he spent with me in Maine back in 2004? That was bewildering. He was obviously dense. Luckily he has finally seen the light. I think getting married has made him want to make things more evenly balanced between us...but this is only the first year so I guess we''ll see!

OMG! That is so C!!!! And the selfish thing too. Words outta the man''s mouth. Haha - and during this....er...conversation, I told C that then we can just have seperate holidays and everyone can be happy.

I''m so glad you get to be with your fam this year!!!!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 12/19/2008 2:11:42 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 12/19/2008 2:01:30 PM
Author: joflier
Thanks for your post Pandora. I guess I should be grateful we only have the 2 sets of parents! Boy that must get complicated.

Oh, and I should add that he''s kind of done this before with making plans without talking to me first. He actually made our wedding date before he even proposed or talked to me about it (cuz it was the perfect day for his family)! He had the pastor that married us all arranged, and a few of his out of state relatives had gotten plane tickets already. I think I was way to agreeable at that point in our lives.

O. M. G.

Seriously?!?! He not only picked your wedding date BEFORE even proposing to you, but he then went so far as to TELL HIS FAMILY?!?! And he must have told his family that it was absolutely a ''sure thing,'' since they went so far as to BUY PLANE TICKETS before he even proposed?!?! Wow. That man is seriously self-confident. Most guys are nervous when they propose, because there''s always the small chance that she''ll say ''no.'' And what if you HAD said no, or what if the date he picked didn''t work for YOU and YOUR family??? I''m sure he would have felt just great calling his relatives and the pastor to call everything off.

Jo, please don''t take this the wrong way, but it seems like your DH is a bit inconsiderate when it comes to making plans with you. I know you love him, and I''m sure he''s a great guy, but I think this is probably a bigger issue for you guys than just the holiday splitting. Have you guys talked about this issue in the past? If not, maybe it''s time to have a serious conversation with him and set some very clear boundaries.

WOW! ditto, ditto and thrice ditto.

Serious boundary talks are needed and you need to start to put your foot down big time.

In your situation, I would just tell your DH that if he wants his family to have anything to eat and drink on Christmas Eve then he will be spending the major part of Christmas Day with yours.

If he doesn''t agree, then go to yours for Xmas Eve as well and leave him to get on with it.

Time for a reality check and trust me once he knows you mean business, the crap will stop. Don''t get into an argument, just tell him his options.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/19/2008 2:18:24 PM
Author: luckystar112
Joflier, your DH sounds a lot like mine...especially when it come to thinking that his family can do no wrong. I am lucky that our families live in different states, or who knows if we''d have arguments over holidays.
After 5 years of being together he is FINALLY coming with me to Maine. The last two years we spent in Virginia and before that we just spent holidays seperate. I really resented all the time we spent in Virginia with his family. Since we are in Texas it isn''t like I can see my family whenever I want.

A few weeks after returning back from Christmas in Virginia last year, we went to a restaurant where we started talking about our holday plans for the next year (this year). I made the comment that I would really like to spend Christmas in Maine next year. His reaction was more of a ''we''ll see'' rather than a ''Yes, that''s fair'', and so I got a little angry. I told him I will be going to Maine, and he can come with me or go to Virginia. HE gets to decide if he wants to spend our first Christmas as a married couple separate or together. And then he told me that he thought I was being selfish. Selfish? Really? Two Christmases, 3 summer vacations, and a trip to Italy with his family is selfish? Somehow that is more selfish than the THREE days he spent with me in Maine back in 2004? That was bewildering. He was obviously dense. Luckily he has finally seen the light. I think getting married has made him want to make things more evenly balanced between us...but this is only the first year so I guess we''ll see!

Heeeee hee hee! Lucky, that is SO something I would do!

I''m glad you stood up for yourself . . . you definitely were NOT being selfish! I think you were MORE than fair to him by spending two Christmases, three summer vacations, and a trip to Italy with his family. I mean COME ON!!! I''m glad he''s finally seen the light, and I''m glad you get to be with your fam for Christmas this year!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/19/2008 2:22:50 PM
Author: joflier
Not taken wrongly at all. Oh yes, we''ve had the inconsideracy communication gap conversation before. Or we''ve tried to. He then brings up things that I''ve forgotten to tell him. Which he''s correct on, except that the stuff I forget, or don''t tell him about until later, is way smaller in comparison with his stuff. But he sees it vice versa. That the stuff he''s not told me of is small, and mine to be a big deal. Of course, I think myself to be in the right. But that''s a matter of opinon I suppose.

With our wedding, if it became a major thing with my family, we would have changed it. Luckily it was not a problem. Although I certainly would have preferred a different time of year. But again with that - it just came down to HIS family. Because our world revolves around them. Their the sun and we''re just little moons basking in the glow of their orbit.
Ok. That wasn''t very nice. I really do love his family, and he mine. With my personality, I could very easily compromise and just do what we always do. I''d be cool with that. And I''d enjoy myself, and so would he. But I''m not caving, just because I don''t think I should have to. I gotta stand up just for showing the principle of having legs, know what I mean?

Well, if you forget to tell him something, that''s one thing. BUT, it seems like it just never even occurrs to him at all that he should ask you before making plans, which is totally different than simply forgetting to say something to you. It''s like he thinks he shouldn''t have to take your and your family''s schedule into consideration.

OK, and with the wedding . . . you would have preferred a different time of year. He should have taken that into consideration!!! Granted, you agreed to the date he picked, but he should have waited until he proposed and you said "yes" before even picking a date in the first place. The selection of the wedding date is typically something that couples do TOGETHER, right???

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My DH is not this bad, but as his family hates me, we do have this talk a lot. One year after fighting about it, I told him the same thing I really think you should do, I will go be with my family and he can be with his. DH''s family is so awful we have had to do this before and it is not the end of the world. Once he knows you are serious, he has to consider what is more important to him, which should be very telling.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/19/2008 2:43:18 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Well, if you forget to tell him something, that''s one thing. BUT, it seems like it just never even occurrs to him at all that he should ask you before making plans, which is totally different than simply forgetting to say something to you. It''s like he thinks he shouldn''t have to take your and your family''s schedule into consideration.

OK, and with the wedding . . . you would have preferred a different time of year. He should have taken that into consideration!!! Granted, you agreed to the date he picked, but he should have waited until he proposed and you said ''yes'' before even picking a date in the first place. The selection of the wedding date is typically something that couples do TOGETHER, right???

Agreed.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/19/2008 3:56:19 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
My DH is not this bad, but as his family hates me, we do have this talk a lot. One year after fighting about it, I told him the same thing I really think you should do, I will go be with my family and he can be with his. DH''s family is so awful we have had to do this before and it is not the end of the world. Once he knows you are serious, he has to consider what is more important to him, which should be very telling.

I''m sorry his family hates you. That''s crappy.

I think we''ll have "the talk" when I get home from work tonight. We''ll see how that goes. Hopefully he''s in a good mood.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/19/2008 4:26:08 PM
Author: joflier
I''m sorry his family hates you. That''s crappy.

I think we''ll have ''the talk'' when I get home from work tonight. We''ll see how that goes. Hopefully he''s in a good mood.

Good luck, Jo! My fingers are crossed for you! ((((HUGS))))

 

[diane5006]

Sounds like a tough situation...hopefully you will be able to work something out...he needs to be more fair abou Christmas day...maybe do an alternate year thing...

My H and i have the blessing of distance..we see my family more...just a bit...but would see his more if he wanted...it is more fun to see them not on a holiday

 

[Blair138]

I think I''m late to the game but just wanted to add my experience. Family stuff WAS never an issue until we got engaged, then I swear, his family came out of the woodwork and wanted to spend all this time together!

Not only do we do MASSIVE vacations with his family every other year, holidays are now an issue because we are getting married in July. Thanksgiving was an issue this year because it is our last as a non-married couple. He usually spends the night at my parent''s house, we eat with them and then go to his mom''s house. Well, the problem started this year because Saturday ALL DAY we were expected to go to his aunt''s to have MORE family time, and then SUNDAY we were to go to dinner with them all AGAIN. Basically we saw his family 3 days and mine for one. I thought we had come to an agreement for next year for holidays, but we ended up in a huge fight because he thought we would be lopsided going to my family''s on Thanksgiving Day, his on Saturday AND Sunday, his on Christmas Eve and mine on Christmas Day.

I literally had to WRITE IT DOWN so he saw we were spending more time with his family. It was nuts! We finally came to an agreement to alternate Thanksgivings and spend X-mas Eve with his fam and X-mas Day with mine (and I did put my foot down on Christmas morning, we will make OUR OWN tradition and do that as a couple in our own home, no sleepovers, no going to parent''s for breakfast).

I have an issue with family stuff being fair because growing up I saw what my grandma did to my mom (and still does) and I will not sacrifice my family. It''s even worse because we will live 5 minutes from his parents and 45 from mine. I refuse to back down, and so be it, if I have to refuse family time, I will. I can only see things getting worse after we have kids and I WILL NOT put up with that.

Sorry for what you are going through, FI has a tendency to plan stuff and not give me any details, though thankfully he hasn''t invited anyone over without letting me know yet. Good luck Jo and I hope your FI becomes a little more considerate.

 

[Blair138]

oops double post

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, joflier, that is WACK. Of course I agree with everyone else-your split needs to be fair. I know I''m late but I hope your talk went well!

 

[joflier]

Sorry to hear that your going through a similar thing Blair. I actually started writing some things down so we can look back next year, and remember who did what with whom and when.
Thanks too Diane and thing2 for your thoughts as well.

So we did have a talk this morning, and it actually went fairly well. I talked to MIL and told her a bit about what happened, and we''re going to do Christmas Eve at their house. So that''s a weight off my shoulders. And dh and I are going to my parents around lunch, and I told him that we WILL be staying until at least 6 or so. He agreed to that, and hopefully sticks to it.

Thanks again all for your support gals!

 

[Miranda]

I hope your talk went well and didn''t turn into a yell!

Oh boy! We''ve been down this road. DH''s parents were VERY intrusive in the early years in our marriage. It''s taken a long time for them to learn their place and for DH to accept that it is where they belong!

DH''s family has always done a big to do on Christmas Eve beginning at 3 in the afternoon and ending with presents at 10 or so. They would have another massive meal in the afternoon on Christmas day and play games into the evening. Our problem was not only the two parties, but, the number (and quality

) of guests.

I won''t go into the long drawn out story, but, I honestly think what changed this was having kids. Not just us, but, DH''s brother and their cousins, etc. There were just so many nap times to contend with. I flat refused to keep my kids up late on Xmas eve so that put a big damper on the party. No way did I want crabby kids the following morning. And quite frankly, most of the kids there (not mine of course

) were completely unpleasant. Whining, yelling, screaming, and throwing food, were just a few of their normal behaviors. All the adults were grouchy so it isn''t exactly like it was a grand time. We just eventualy decided that we were ready for a smaller gathering.

It seems like there are a few years of build up and them a really big blow up in order for changes like this to happen. For us it involved his parents and cousin lying to us about the health of her kids and the party time. His cousin''s kids are notorious for being sick...Never a stuffy nose, either. It''s always something like the flu or Strep throat. I asked ahead if they were well and was told they were by DH''s mother and his cousin. When we got there three of the four kids had high fevers and we found out later they had strep throat. Also, they told us we would do presents at 5. In reality they planned it for 9. We had to stay, because, how do you tell a 7 and 9 year old we can''t open the presents Grandma and Grandpa have been teasing you with for weeks! Enough was enough! Luckily DH and I were on the same page that we would not ever be doing this again.

Now we spend Xmas eve with just DH''s parents. At our house. It''s nice and calm and cheery. Just the way I like it! DH''s brother lives on the other side of the country now and they stay home for Christmas. We spend Christmas afternoon with my parents and my sister''s family.

Good luck!

 

[Elmorton]

Wow, yeah...this would be a major disagreement in my house, too...sounds to me like your DH was out of line in major ways.
1) He needs to clear things with you first
2) Families should get equal time unless there is some serious circumstance (that you've both discussed in depth and made a conscious decision to avoid a family for some reason).

My DH's parents are divorced, so we have 3 Xmases to go to. Our parents live an hour apart, so like your situation, travel is manageable. Christmas eve is my family, Christmas day is his. That's just how it is - our parents know that's our plan, and DH and I agreed on that years ago. Granted, we have to split our Xmas day between his 2 families while my parents get one whole day, but my family gets equal time to his family - this isn't about being fair to our parents, it's about being fair to each other.

When DH and I got married, my MIL told me "I just want you to know, I never EXPECT you two for holidays. If you want to come, come - but I hated going to see my parents for the holidays and never want you to feel like you HAVE to be here." I understand where she was coming from because of her relationship with her parents, but neither DH nor I are estranged from our parents or have any deep-seated issues with them. They're not perfect, but we love them, and they love us. I told my MIL then that even if I was tired, grumpy or what not, she could expect to see my smiling face at Christmas every year. What I'm saying is that I think your DH's argument is cruddy - it doesn't matter how much "fun" you have at each house - family is family. Unless the in-laws have done something truly rude, awful, and mean, then I don't think the holiday should be a competition for time determined by whose family's Xmas is the most enjoyable.

Anyway - I'm glad everything got cleared up!!