Sort of a dilemma...

[nicoleben]

Ok. so..

My fiances brother (whom I was very close with throughout high school), well, his current girlfriend will be his fiance by New Years of 2011. She does not come around much, however I find her to be very nice when she does come around. Since she would be a part of the family sooner or later, and since she does not do too much with us, I thought it would be great to include her as one of my bridesmaids and have her included in the planning of the wedding with me and my future MIL.(fiances brother is the best man as well). I asked her and told her to think about it for a few days. I also said to her that if she decides not to do it (because of money constraints) that I would not be upset at all and I respect her decision either way, however, I think it would be great if she could..

Fast forward almost 2 weeks, still no answer. For the past 3 days she says she is going to call me to talk to me, but everyday she "forgets" and puts it off to the next day. Finally, last night fiances brother and his girlfriend were at fiances mothers house. I called my fiances brother to see what she was going to say because my fiance didn't ask his groomsmen yet to be in the bridal party, and we were waiting on her answer to do so. (If she did do it, we would include his one friend, and if she didn't we were just not going to ask him. I know you do not need an even number in a bridal party, however I am so OCD its ridiculous and odd numbers make me shudder.haha) So she was mad that I went through fiances brother to tell her I needed an answer. Said she would call me later. Never did! I admit full heartedly that I am NOT a patient person, but I gave her two weeks, and she seems to just be throwing it to the side. At this point I want to just say forget I even asked, but then I do not want that to come between us. So I am kind of stuck there.

After they were at his parents house, they left and she brought up the fact of how close me and my future Mother in law are and how she feels uncomfortable being there because she has nothing to say. I feel bad, but she needs to keep in mind that I have known my future mother in law for 8 years before I even started dating her son... 1. I was best friends with fiances brother throughout high school, and 2. Shes been my bank teller since then as well. We know a lot about each other, and when I came into the family it was not awkward for me because I already felt like I was a part of the family. Brothers girlfriend never ever wants to come to family functions or some to dinner on Sundays when we go every weekend. When she is there she doesn't say anything even when we try to include her. I do not know how to go about this, and I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Fiances brother then asks me to go out of my way to make an effort to talk to her daily. Ask her how her day is, and just talk to her. I told him I would wait a day and if he really wants me to I will, however.. shouldn't she go out of her way too? She acts like she is better than everyone. My fiances mother keeps going on and on and on about how she is so mad over the situation, and she goes out of her all the way to be nice to her. it was her birthday this weekend and she got her a bunch of presents, got her a cake, and she opened the presents, ate some cake and LEFT. Mom was livid!

I am sorry I am rambling, but I just feel caught in a situation. I hate hate HATE DRAMA, and I have not dealt with it in over a few years from an ex boyfriend, and I can not express how good life is that I do not dwell in the drama, and just live my life without worrying about everyone else.

Am I wrong for asking her for an answer now if she wants to be a bridesmaid or not? And how do I handle this situation with her being upset about me and future MIL's relationship??

 

[amc80]

I would tell her (very nicely) that you need an answer by a certain date. If you don't hear from her, assume she's out.

As far as her attitude and her being jealous or whatever, I would honestly just let it go. Do your part to be kind and polite, maybe call her once a week to see how she is, etc. But don't stress if you don't get the reaction that YOU want. Don't talk about it with your FMIL or FBIL. With time she may warm up and be closer with all of you, or she may not; it could just be her personality. And there's nothing wrong with it, she just isn't you.

 

[So_In_Love]

I think that 2 weeks was enough time for her to decide if she wants to be a bridesmaid. Keep in mind that I have some OCD in me as well, but I think that it is very rude to keep saying that you are going to call someone and then never follow up on it- especially when you know someone is waiting for your call! In my opinion she has no right to be mad that you "went behind her back" and called your FBIL- how else are you supposed to know whats going on if she wont return your calls??
I would just act like nothing happened and you never asked.

 

[monarch64]

Um, I would assume at this point that she doesn't want to be part of your wedding party. I'm sure she expects to be an invited guest but it doesn't sound like she's chomping at the bit to be a bridesmaid and probably doesn't want to cause any awkwardness in declining. Some people just aren't good at saying "no."

I would honestly give her a call, leave her a voicemail because she probably won't answer, and tell her you totally understand that she doesn't want to be included in the bridal party but you look forward to seeing her at the wedding. Simple, to the point, and leaves the ball entirely in her court. If she wants to call you back and dispute that, then let her.

 

[Anonymous]

If someone was acting like that in response to me asking them, I would politely tell them "I apologize for putting you in the situation of having to make the difficult decision of deciding if you wanted to be part of the wedding. I wanted to include you, because I feel that you're part of the family, however it seems to be coming across as a negative experience for all of us. In light of this, please do not feel offended but I'd rather just let this go so you can stop worrying about it."

That's it. Her behavior screams "I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to look bad by declining, so I'm going to wait it out until you get mad and give me an easy out." So I'd definitely try to avoid doing that.

 

[Amys Bling]

Hey...I also have a FSIl, and then my FI's brother's Fiance...(same situation as you) that I asked to be in the wedding and she accepted on the spot. Everyone my FI and I asked said yes on the spot. Even if we said to them, think about it - no pressure- they all responded yes right away. SOOOO I kinda feel like since it's been over two weeks and she hasn't joyfully accepted, she is leaning towards declining and maybe doesnt know how to tell you. Maybe she doesn't have the money...maybe she feels like she isn't as close to the family as you are and therefore feels weird and excluded...even though you are trying to include her. Whatever the reason, I think when someone doesnt respond with a yes after two weeks, they really arent dying to be in the wedding.

so call her, leave her a voicemail and say- Hey! I'm kinda figuring that since you havent responded yet abut being a bridesmaid, that you are declining. No hard feelings! Looking foward to having you at the wedding and see a lot more of you!


If she really wants to be in it- she will call back and say- oh no i really do want to be in it- if not she will just leave it alone and not say anything.

 

[nicoleben]

Yes, I texted her again today and she still did not respond. I am taking her ignoring as "I do not want to be in it" and that is fine with me. I just thought I was doing a good gesture by asking her. I will send her a text and just say.. I understand you might feel uncomfortable.. and I am fine that you do not want to be in it. I am also sorry for putting you in a situation. " and I will leave it at that. Thanks for the response!

 

[Amys Bling]

Nicoleben-

I think it's really nice that you wanted to include her and make her feel more "part of the family", don't take offense to her stand-off ish behavior and possibly not wanting to be a part of it. It's her loss!

 

[nicoleben]

ok I am just going to laugh to keep my sanity. After 24 full hours of still waiting for a response for her, she texts me and apologizes for being "b*tchy, I was PMSing hahahaha" I just said, I am not upset with you, but we did decide to just keep the wedding party as it was. I really wanted to include you in everything, however, for you not contacting me I assumed you weren't crazy about the idea and just let it go. You are more than welcome to come onto the limo bus with us with Kevin (fiances brother) just like everyone else in the wedding party will have their significant others and dates on the bus as well." She responds, " well that's just great, didn't anyone teach you not to assume? If I'm not in the wedding i will NOT go on the limo" At that point I simply said. "Well that was nice." I didn't even respond to what she said after that. Am I the bad person here? I feel bad, but my fiance tells me I shouldn't feel bad. That's her loss. Ooof I have a headache haha.

 

[lucyandroger]

It sounds like this girl was going to start an argument with you no matter what. You're much better off not having her in the wedding creating more drama.

 

[Dreamer_D]

NAH she sounds like a piece of work, you did the right thing and don't feel bad.

Also, you do not need to go out of your way to call her every day or anything. You are adults. Be nice, get in touch if you want, but it is not your job to work to make her included if she is not making the effort herself.

Actually, I am laying my $5 bet down now that marriage in not in that couple's future

 

[doodle]

LMAO at her response. I would've been bratty at that point. "No sweetness, but someone DID teach me how to operate a phone and that it's good manners to return someone's call when you say you will. My bad for assuming you had any manners, and thanks muchly for giving me some more room in the limo for my train! Will you be riding to the wedding on your broom instead?"

 

[nicoleben]

Oh she is a piece of work for sure! As for the comment about them not marrying, honestly, I truly do not know. When she found out I was having my wedding in October, she took a fit and said that was the month SHE wanted to get married in. I simply stated, I once felt that way but have since backed off (THANKs to you ladies) that no month should be reserved for someones special day. Same week, ok thats understandable.. But if she wants her wedding in October that is fine. But.. they aren't engaged yet..they fight every other day.. and she truly acts like a child. :::shakes head::: Disaster waiting to happen.

 

[nicoleben]

LMAO at her response. I would've been bratty at that point. "No sweetness, but someone DID teach me how to operate a phone and that it's good manners to return someone's call when you say you will. My bad for assuming you had any manners, and thanks muchly for giving me some more room in the limo for my train! Will you be riding to the wedding on your broom instead?"

HAHAHA I LOVE IT!!! I wish I was witty!!

 

[Amys Bling]

How does FMIL and FBIL feel about this.... I assume FMIL is getting a glimpse of what her son's future will be like with this woman... jeez.

As for her telling you not to assume anything. After 3 weeks of no response, if she really wanted to be in it she would have spoken up sooner. If money is the issue, she would/could have said- I would really love to be included but money is tight. But by not saying ANYTHING for 3 weeks now.... please... doesn't scream "I so badly want to be in your wedding" it doesnt even scream "I want to be included"

forget her. Honestly for everyones sake, I hope the proposal never comes for her.... your F-family doesn't deserve the drama!

 

[Amys Bling]

BTW- nicole I just left you a message on your "We're Engaged" thread re: your beautiful ring!

 

[nicoleben]

How does FMIL and FBIL feel about this.... I assume FMIL is getting a glimpse of what her son's future will be like with this woman... jeez.

As for her telling you not to assume anything. After 3 weeks of no response, if she really wanted to be in it she would have spoken up sooner. If money is the issue, she would/could have said- I would really love to be included but money is tight. But by not saying ANYTHING for 3 weeks now.... please... doesn't scream "I so badly want to be in your wedding" it doesnt even scream "I want to be included"

forget her. Honestly for everyones sake, I hope the proposal never comes for her.... your F-family doesn't deserve the drama!

My fiances mother is livid over her actions all of the time. She even cursed about her and I can honestly say SHE NEVER CURSES! My fiance, me, his mom and his gram went for lunch together and his mother blatantly stated "He is being so stupid, and I wish he would break up with her!" She gets very upset over what she does to him and I completely agree. He is one of the sweetest people I know , behind my fiance of course, his mother raised two very good people and he does not deserve to kiss her butt and buy her every jewelery peice she wants after they have a fight. Not to add, her mother is very rude to him for no reason. ::sigh::

I will check out the thread! Thanks!!

 

[iota15]

Whew! Disaster averted!

Regardless of how it came about, thank goodness she isn't in the wedding party. She's being jealous, petty and sounding like a brat. At best, just write her to say, "I'm sorry that you feel this way but you'll have a spot on the limo if you'd like.".. and I think this is being too kind to her, but it can never come back to bite you from the rest of the family.

Do NOT invite her back into the party. She will just cause drama after drama. She's not even engaged and she wanted October reserved for her? If she's part of your wedding party, what are you going to do when she asks you to concede chocolate cake or orchids in your floral arrangment because SHE wanted them at her non-existent, potential future wedding.

There is also no need to call her everyday... at all. I know future BIL asked you to, but really, he's just trying to keep up with her bratty whims and demands. At some point, she obviously complained about your closeness with his family and how far away she feels.
"Blah, blah, blah, why can't your family be that close to me?!"

The kicker is - She has NO intention of actually being close to anyone in that family, nor does she want to put the effort into it. She just wants to complain because of the minor jealous twinge she gets at your family gatherings. She has no real intention of getting to know ANY OF YOU. It's just all about HER and BIL is trying to appease her to no avail. Don't waste your time... and why would you want to speak to this woman on a daily basis anyway?

 

[nicoleben]

Whew! Disaster averted!

Regardless of how it came about, thank goodness she isn't in the wedding party. She's being jealous, petty and sounding like a brat. At best, just write her to say, "I'm sorry that you feel this way but you'll have a spot on the limo if you'd like.".. and I think this is being too kind to her, but it can never come back to bite you from the rest of the family.

Do NOT invite her back into the party. She will just cause drama after drama. She's not even engaged and she wanted October reserved for her? If she's part of your wedding party, what are you going to do when she asks you to concede chocolate cake or orchids in your floral arrangment because SHE wanted them at her non-existent, potential future wedding.

There is also no need to call her everyday... at all. I know future BIL asked you to, but really, he's just trying to keep up with her bratty whims and demands. At some point, she obviously complained about your closeness with his family and how far away she feels.
"Blah, blah, blah, why can't your family be that close to me?!"

The kicker is - She has NO intention of actually being close to anyone in that family, nor does she want to put the effort into it. She just wants to complain because of the minor jealous twinge she gets at your family gatherings. She has no real intention of getting to know ANY OF YOU. It's just all about HER and BIL is trying to appease her to no avail. Don't waste your time... and why would you want to speak to this woman on a daily basis anyway?

I couldn't have said this any better myself! I actually already told her " I know you may be upset and I am sure this is why your hostility towards the wedding is setting in, however, I hope you change your mind about coming onto the limo bus because we all want you present." All she said was, "yea, maybe Ill change my mind in a year" ::rolls eyes:: I will not go out of my way to please my BIL by texting her daily, he seems to make excuses for her for the way she is, and he is enabling her and letting her act this way towards us. When I see him in person all he says is. "That is between you two, not me. " Which I do not want to include him, but he asks me what we talk about and all that.. I am not mad or upset anymore, and I truly wasn't in the first place, but she seems very bratty and childish and I do not want to deal with that.. Then I have BIL coming to me when they fight every other day about what he should do, and makes himself feel like everything is his fault when it is NOT! Sorry I am rambling, but c'mon already!!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Short of introducing your FBIL to a few of your really nice single friends or cousins, all you can do is hope he'll wake up and see her for the demanding, jealous little witch that she really is and breaks up with her. It sounds like your IL family to be is really really close knit and very loving. The FBIL's girlfriend seems jealous of that, and I guarantee her own family is not like that. She won't make the cut in a familly like your fiance's.

As for appeasing your FBIL, I think you need to be honest with him and tell him, "Look, I've reached out to your gf many times, only to have my hand bitten. I love you dearly, but I'm not going to keep putting myself out there when clearly she's got issues that have nothing to do with me or being included."

 

[choro72]

She sounds like a work of art. I'm confused though, to what part of her does this sentence "

...I find her to be very nice when she does come around...

" apply?
Good luck on the rest of the wedding planning.

 

[blacksand]

Nicole--Not that it excuses her childish behavior in any way, but...exactly how close were your and FBIL in high school? Did you used to date? Did he perhaps have feelings for you?

 

[amc80]

Nicole--Not that it excuses her childish behavior in any way, but...exactly how close were your and FBIL in high school? Did you used to date? Did he perhaps have feelings for you?

Good call.

 

[nicoleben]

I guess I should have explained that more. We were best friends and nothing more. I believe he may have had a small crush on me in high school, but nothing more. He did ask me to his senior prom (my junior prom) and we went together, but I always had a boyfriend throughout high school. The boyfriend and I broke up about 2 months before prom for 15 thousandth time, so his brother had asked me. A few of my friends and I would go to his house to hang out once in a while, but no kissing or any of that lol. His current girlfriend knows that we were close friends, but I do not think she knows about his crush on me. He also knew that I always wanted his older brother (my current fiance )

 

[nicoleben]

She sounds like a work of art. I'm confused though, to what part of her does this sentence "

...I find her to be very nice when she does come around...

" apply?
Good luck on the rest of the wedding planning.

When she is around, she is very nice to our face. She always says hello and is nice to me and my mother in law. However, she seems to show that she is uncomfortable, which in turn makes the situation awkward. I want to believe she has good intentions, she just doesn't know how to express that. Butttttt.. the situation gets worse when she goes to FBIL and says how shes jealous about me and my FMIL relationship. She only seems to get nasty with me through text messages.

 

[blacksand]

Fair enough. Even if you and your FBIL had dated in the past, she's being immature at best. It's time for everyone to grow up now. Still, I just get the vibe from your posts that, although she says she is jealous of your relationship with your FMIL, she may actually be jealous of your relationship with your FBIL, her boyfriend. She seemed to get upset when you called him to check up on her. She may say she's upset because you called him "behind her back," but I get the impression it's about more than that. And if it were really about your FMIL, I think she'd try a little harder to befriend her. I think it's more likely she's insecure and jealous of you, either because she feels you're a threat to her current relationship, or simply because you have shared many years with her boyfriend (albeit platonically) that she never had a chance to experience, and she just doesn't feel secure in her relationship. Throw in a little LIWistis and a conflict over wedding dates, and you have one irrational, irate lady. I don't know. I'm obviously an outsider commenting here, and I don't know what her real motivation is. But I suspect her jealousy issues are a little deeper than she's letting on.

No matter what, I hope you can take comfort in the fact that it isn't anything you've done. You're trying to take the high road. If being close to her future husband's family isn't a priority for her, well, then she loses out on a lovely family. Too bad for her.

 

[that_someone_special]

How does FMIL and FBIL feel about this.... I assume FMIL is getting a glimpse of what her son's future will be like with this woman... jeez.

As for her telling you not to assume anything. After 3 weeks of no response, if she really wanted to be in it she would have spoken up sooner. If money is the issue, she would/could have said- I would really love to be included but money is tight. But by not saying ANYTHING for 3 weeks now.... please... doesn't scream "I so badly want to be in your wedding" it doesnt even scream "I want to be included"

forget her. Honestly for everyones sake, I hope the proposal never comes for her.... your F-family doesn't deserve the drama!

My fiances mother is livid over her actions all of the time. She even cursed about her and I can honestly say SHE NEVER CURSES! My fiance, me, his mom and his gram went for lunch together and his mother blatantly stated "He is being so stupid, and I wish he would break up with her!" She gets very upset over what she does to him and I completely agree. He is one of the sweetest people I know , behind my fiance of course, his mother raised two very good people and he does not deserve to kiss her butt and buy her every jewelery peice she wants after they have a fight. Not to add, her mother is very rude to him for no reason. ::sigh::

I will check out the thread! Thanks!!

No wonder she doesn't talk to the family then.. I'm sure she knows how they feel about her.
I'm confused because at first I thought you said she was very sweet, and now you pretty much agree with your FMIL?
And that's ok, too... but perhaps she is getting mixed signals and doesn't think you like her? I would...

But yea, at this point I would think she doesn't want to be in the wedding.

 

[nicoleben]

She is very sweet, to our face, but once she leaves, she voices her concern to her boyfriend instead of approaching us. But she does not say it very nice. It is one thing to say it as a concern, and another thing for a person to scream at her boyfriend because she isn't getting what she wants. I think that's what ticks me off most.

 

[amc80]

I want to preface this by saying I'm not condoning her behavior in any way- she sounds like a piece of work. But, you have to remember that your FBIL loves her. He puts up with her shenanigans. He is the one who buys her whatever jewelry she wants (or whatever you said). Honestly, if I were mad at someone, it would be him. He's the one allowing this behavior to continue. No, it's not fair to you guys, but sometimes you just have to smile and put up with it for the sake of peace, which it sounds like you are trying to do.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I want to preface this by saying I'm not condoning her behavior in any way- she sounds like a piece of work. But, you have to remember that your FBIL loves her. He puts up with her shenanigans. He is the one who buys her whatever jewelry she wants (or whatever you said). Honestly, if I were mad at someone, it would be him. He's the one allowing this behavior to continue. No, it's not fair to you guys, but sometimes you just have to smile and put up with it for the sake of peace, which it sounds like you are trying to do.

Ditto this. Also, it sounds like he is telling tales about her outside their relationship -- passing on her complaints and talking about her to you guys. I would frankly be livid if my bf was talking about me in detail and our fights to family.