small vent

[musey]

Whenever I''m upset by comments/advice offered by those I respect, I stop to ask myself why it upsets me.

In most cases, people are upset by comments/advice that we know deep down to be accurate. If we know that they don''t apply for whatever reason (the person doesn''t know us well, they''re basing their opinion on misinformation, etc.) then we tend to mentally shake our heads and move on. If there''s something to it, the natural reaction is to get defensive and annoyed.

When my husband and I decided to get married, we got a few "are you sure?? you''re so young!" reactions - but they were all from strangers or distant acquaintances. It didn''t bother me, because the reactions from those I respect (family, close friends, etc.) were completely supportive.


All I''m saying is - think about the source(s) of these reactions, and why it is that you''re reacting the way you are to them. You might surprise yourself, if you choose to be honest with yourself.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/4/2009 2:04:36 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I can understand your frustration...breaking the news about wanting a baby should be met with joy and happiness...it can be really hard to hear the exact opposite.


But, if this advice is coming friends and family...then there may actually be some weight to what they are saying. Without KNOWING you, I know that you posted on here about having a struggle with finding a job...struggle with affording various expenses...I know that you live with a roommate...I guess, from the outside looking in there are some reasons why not having a baby RIGHT NOW may benefit you both in the long run. Having a baby is everything they warn you about and more. I am not a Mom, and but as a friend to those who are parents, I know that it isn''t easy--no matter how many pluses you have in your column.


In the end, you should do what is right for you both as a couple...but having a baby is a really big deal...and if you''re getting realistic advice, solicited or otherwise, from people who have been there and raised families and know the ins and outs of parenthood, maybe you should consider what they are saying. Not in a negative way, but as something to mull over before plowing ahead.

I completely understand what you are saying and agree as well. However, like I said we are not planning to have a baby right this minute. Yes we thought there was the possibility of a wedding night baby that we would have graciously accepted into this world if that happened; however it didn''t and we are still happy as ever and would have been the same vice versa. That does not mean we can''t be excited about having children in the future. We do have a list of things we need to do and are working on that as I speak but there is no reason whatsoever for people to "rain on our parade" about wanting to eventually be parents. When people ask if we want to have children and I say of course we do. That doesn''t mean right now... If someone said "I want to go to college one day" would you tell them "oh it''s too expensive" or "you don''t have time for that right now"? Probably not. It''s one of their goals in life and most likely would be encouraged. I just don''t see why people can''t have that attitude towards people getting married and having children as well. I''m not the type of person who likes being told how they should or what they should be doing, as I''m sure you know And fwiw, we do not have a roommate anymore, are paying bills on time and earning pretty decent incomes and paying off things each month which is great. We have completely paid dh''s car loan off this month which is good because it got wrecked in an accident anyways and we are actually saving some money by driving together each day. I have to stay at work for an extra 3 hours a day but that''s a lot of overtime that will eventually come in handy...I too have friends who are moms so it''s not like dh and I are looking at this as some sort of game to play, we know it comes with very real responsibilities that we are ready to take on when the time comes. Another thing to take into consideration is that I am the baby of my family. When my older siblings were in the same situation and actually even worse off, people were excited for them to start families and it almost seems as if some family members are not ready for us to be growing up...I''m only stating this as another perspective to everything.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/4/2009 2:37:06 PM
Author: musey
Whenever I'm upset by comments/advice offered by those I respect, I stop to ask myself why it upsets me.


In most cases, people are upset by comments/advice that we know deep down to be accurate. If we know that they don't apply for whatever reason (the person doesn't know us well, they're basing their opinion on misinformation, etc.) then we tend to mentally shake our heads and move on. If there's something to it, the natural reaction is to get defensive and annoyed.


When my husband and I decided to get married, we got a few 'are you sure?? you're so young!' reactions - but they were all from strangers or distant acquaintances. It didn't bother me, because the reactions from those I respect (family, close friends, etc.) were completely supportive.



All I'm saying is - think about the source(s) of these reactions, and why it is that you're reacting the way you are to them. You might surprise yourself, if you choose to be honest with yourself.

I already have thought this through and the reason it upsets me is because I am excited about something dh and I are planning for the future and have been setting motions in place to get ready for that (i.e. paying off bills, researching home mortgages, researching school districts so we can see where we'd like to buy said home, saving money to the side and just generally talking about how we want to bring our children up, what values we would like to instill in them, etc.). it does not make sense to me why they can't just at least suck it up and pretend to be excited about us wanting to be parents SOMEDAY. Not today. SOMEDAY. I feel if they can't do that then they shouldn't be asking in the first place and should stay the heck out of my business...

 

[musey]

Date: 12/4/2009 2:48:56 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
like I said we are not planning to have a baby right this minute. Yes we thought there was the possibility of a wedding night baby that we would have graciously accepted into this world if that happened; however it didn''t and we are still happy as ever and would have been the same vice versa. That does not mean we can''t be excited about having children in the future. We do have a list of things we need to do and are working on that as I speak but there is no reason whatsoever for people to ''rain on our parade'' about wanting to eventually be parents. When people ask if we want to have children and I say of course we do. That doesn''t mean right now...

I don''t think that that''s what''s happening, because OBVIOUSLY there is no reason to ''rain on'' someone''s EVENTUAL ''parade.'' They''re trying to communicate to you that you should wait. To which your response should be, "we plan to," if what you''re saying above is true.

If someone said ''I want to go to college one day'' would you tell them ''oh it''s too expensive'' or ''you don''t have time for that right now''? Probably not. It''s one of their goals in life and most likely would be encouraged. I just don''t see why people can''t have that attitude towards people getting married and having children as well.

The reaction is different because college is an investment in your future. It''s a financial drain that will, in the vast majority of cases, show a financial return. Children, as wonderful as they are, are a financial drain PERIOD. Yes, completely and unquestionably worth it for people that want to be parents, but still - you are comparing apples and oranges, here.

Another thing to take into consideration is that I am the baby of my family. When my older siblings were in the same situation and actually even worse off, people were excited for them to start families and it almost seems as if some family members are not ready for us to be growing up...I''m only stating this as another perspective to everything.

I think you''re misinterpreting their concern, quite honestly. While it''s entirely possible that they just "aren''t ready for you to be growing up," the more likely reason is that they''re genuinely concerned about any combination of factors that makes them feel like you''re not ready yet. Let them hold that opinion, it shouldn''t matter to you. If you were going to run off and buy OPKs and try to get pregnant ASAP, it would matter. Since you''re not, it''s just them sharing the same opinion as you - that you''re not ready yet.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/4/2009 2:52:45 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 12/4/2009 2:37:06 PM
Author: musey
Whenever I''m upset by comments/advice offered by those I respect, I stop to ask myself why it upsets me.

In most cases, people are upset by comments/advice that we know deep down to be accurate. If we know that they don''t apply for whatever reason (the person doesn''t know us well, they''re basing their opinion on misinformation, etc.) then we tend to mentally shake our heads and move on. If there''s something to it, the natural reaction is to get defensive and annoyed.

When my husband and I decided to get married, we got a few ''are you sure?? you''re so young!'' reactions - but they were all from strangers or distant acquaintances. It didn''t bother me, because the reactions from those I respect (family, close friends, etc.) were completely supportive.


All I''m saying is - think about the source(s) of these reactions, and why it is that you''re reacting the way you are to them. You might surprise yourself, if you choose to be honest with yourself.

I already have thought this through and the reason it upsets me is because I am excited about something dh and I are planning for the future and have been setting motions in place to get ready for that (i.e. paying off bills, researching home mortgages, researching school districts so we can see where we''d like to buy said home, saving money to the side and just generally talking about how we want to bring our children up, what values we would like to instill in them, etc.). it does not make sense to me why they can''t just at least suck it up and pretend to be excited about us wanting to be parents SOMEDAY. Not today. SOMEDAY. I feel if they can''t do that then they shouldn''t be asking in the first place and should stay the heck out of my business...

Again, it doesn''t sound like they''re worried about "some day," they''re worried about "now" - which, according to what you''ve said, would be legitimate.

If they are worried about "some day," then there may be WAY bigger issues at play here, and an honest talk with your family (if you do genuinely care about quelling their fears) may be overdue.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Author: musey
Date: 12/4/2009 2:48:56 PM
The reaction is different because college is an investment in your future. It''s a financial drain that will, in the vast majority of cases, show a financial return. Children, as wonderful as they are, are a financial drain PERIOD. Yes, completely and unquestionably worth it for people that want to be parents, but still - you are comparing apples and oranges, here.

I have to respectfully disagree with you here as it seems you misinterpreted. What I was saying was not related to financial gain in any way. I was saying they are both goals people have in their lifetimes and one should be able to be excited about either regardless of what the time period is for accomplishing said goals.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/4/2009 2:48:56 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 12/4/2009 2:04:36 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I can understand your frustration...breaking the news about wanting a baby should be met with joy and happiness...it can be really hard to hear the exact opposite.


But, if this advice is coming friends and family...then there may actually be some weight to what they are saying. Without KNOWING you, I know that you posted on here about having a struggle with finding a job...struggle with affording various expenses...I know that you live with a roommate...I guess, from the outside looking in there are some reasons why not having a baby RIGHT NOW may benefit you both in the long run. Having a baby is everything they warn you about and more. I am not a Mom, and but as a friend to those who are parents, I know that it isn''t easy--no matter how many pluses you have in your column.


In the end, you should do what is right for you both as a couple...but having a baby is a really big deal...and if you''re getting realistic advice, solicited or otherwise, from people who have been there and raised families and know the ins and outs of parenthood, maybe you should consider what they are saying. Not in a negative way, but as something to mull over before plowing ahead.

I completely understand what you are saying and agree as well. However, like I said we are not planning to have a baby right this minute. Yes we thought there was the possibility of a wedding night baby that we would have graciously accepted into this world if that happened; however it didn''t and we are still happy as ever and would have been the same vice versa. That does not mean we can''t be excited about having children in the future. We do have a list of things we need to do and are working on that as I speak but there is no reason whatsoever for people to ''rain on our parade'' about wanting to eventually be parents. When people ask if we want to have children and I say of course we do. That doesn''t mean right now... If someone said ''I want to go to college one day'' would you tell them ''oh it''s too expensive'' or ''you don''t have time for that right now''? Probably not. It''s one of their goals in life and most likely would be encouraged. I just don''t see why people can''t have that attitude towards people getting married and having children as well. I''m not the type of person who likes being told how they should or what they should be doing, as I''m sure you know And fwiw, we do not have a roommate anymore, are paying bills on time and earning pretty decent incomes and paying off things each month which is great. We have completely paid dh''s car loan off this month which is good because it got wrecked in an accident anyways and we are actually saving some money by driving together each day. I have to stay at work for an extra 3 hours a day but that''s a lot of overtime that will eventually come in handy...I too have friends who are moms so it''s not like dh and I are looking at this as some sort of game to play, we know it comes with very real responsibilities that we are ready to take on when the time comes. Another thing to take into consideration is that I am the baby of my family. When my older siblings were in the same situation and actually even worse off, people were excited for them to start families and it almost seems as if some family members are not ready for us to be growing up...I''m only stating this as another perspective to everything.

Of course the ideal is to be financially stable and even comfortable before you start a family. But that is not necessarily everyone''s reality. It sounds to me like you and your new husband are setting goals for yourselves and are achieving them, and that is a clear demonstration that you are on the way to being ready for children. And yes, children are a big deal. But we are not given anything in life that we can''t handle.

I have only 1 girl friend who doesn''t have children yet. The rest of my friends all do. The most affluent couple I know was blessed with a beautiful 2nd child this past year, a little boy, who has severe health issues. This is a couple who is educated, who was prepared, who planned everything, who was ready. Most of my other friends struggle with finances, as most people are in the economy''s current state, some of them had pregnancies that were planned, some did not...some had children right out of the gate, some before they were married, etc. My point is that you and your DH just need to do what is right for you. Be as responsible as you can, but don''t let outsiders'' comments get to you. This is your marriage and your family, not theirs. If they can''t be excited for you, I''m sure they have their reasons, but that''s their tough luck.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/4/2009 3:05:04 PM
Author: musey

Again, it doesn''t sound like they''re worried about ''some day,'' they''re worried about ''now'' - which, according to what you''ve said, would be legitimate.


If they are worried about ''some day,'' then there may be WAY bigger issues at play here, and an honest talk with your family (if you do genuinely care about quelling their fears) may be overdue.

I should add that no one but ps and dh and I knew about the possibility of a wedding night baby as I can only assume that is what you were referring to. So their worries are in fact, not legitimate for the time being. They only know that someday in the future we would like to have kids.

Smurfy over and out
this post was supposed to be about people''s tact regarding someone else''s excitement about wanting to someday start a family. It obviously has gone off topic.

 

[VRBeauty]

Sometimes the kinds of comments you asked about are just a way of starting a conversation or keeping it going -- they're not actually meant as either advice or as commentary on your choices. Your best response in those situations might be to just acknowledge the comment ("so I've heard", "thanks") and change the subject.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Smurfy, I think you need to breath. Don''t get all worked up over this. Like Monnie said, only you and your husband know what''s right for you. I think it''s great that you''re planning for the future and there''s always room for improvement and growth. I think people were making a general statement about the situation, not trying to attack you.

And in regards to you posting looking for opinions on the lack of tact of some people. Next time you want to ask a question like that, leave it at the question. Be vague and don''t give your own anecdote. Otherwise people think you''re looking for an opinion on your situation and not the subject of your post.

 

[E B]

Date: 12/3/2009 9:52:39 AM
Author:Smurfyimproved
I'm not sure how many of you have heard this phrase and I understand that people are well meaning but right now it's just ticking me right off. I mention that dh and I can't wait to have children and automatically we get

Smurfy, I think the above may be where people both here and in your life may be confused. "We can't wait to have children" can be interpreted as we want to have children right away. But on page two of this thread, you say you don't want children right away because you have goals you'd like to accomplish first, which is exactly what I think you should say to anyone who asks.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/4/2009 3:34:29 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
And in regards to you posting looking for opinions on the lack of tact of some people. Next time you want to ask a question like that, leave it at the question. Be vague and don''t give your own anecdote. Otherwise people think you''re looking for an opinion on your situation and not the subject of your post.

this is good advice

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Smurfy...I think you can you explain away all day and night why this works for you. I doubt you''d go into anything without thinking it over...but all I was trying to explain was that sometimes getting yourself into a good place FIRST can really benefit you on the other end.

I remember a few weeks ago you posting that your job extended your contract 6 months. What then? Sure, we can''t plan for everything...you need to have SOME security because a baby DESERVES that. What about health insurance? As a contracted position are you getting any? In turn, maternity leave...if you don''t have that option, then you''ll either be right back to work or lose your income all together. These are the day to day preparatory things future parents need to work out and really consider. Some parents don''t or didn''t have the luxury of the in-advance-planning that you do...so be smart and savvy and set yourself up for success. If you really kick it into high gear and work out the kinks and then have a baby a year or two later...same baby, much easier time ahead. If I was your in-real-life friend, I would be saying the same things...you can''t control what you can''t control, but putting yourselves in the position to anticipate a baby and his or her needs will be soooo much easier than forever playing catch up.

I don''t think anyone is saying anything to be unkind or unsupportive...but those that understand all the is involved in parenthood have every right to protect you and caution you if they can. No one wants to see you fail...they want to impart their hard earned wisdom so that you''ll have an easier go at it when it''s your turn.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/4/2009 3:42:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I remember a few weeks ago you posting that your job extended your contract 6 months. What then? Sure, we can't plan for everything...you need to have SOME security because a baby DESERVES that. What about health insurance? As a contracted position are you getting any? In turn, maternity leave...if you don't have that option, then you'll either be right back to work or lose your income all together. These are the day to day preparatory things future parents need to work out and really consider. Some parents don't or didn't have the luxury of the in-advance-planning that you do...so be smart and savvy and set yourself up for success. If you really kick it into high gear and work out the kinks and then have a baby a year or two later...same baby, much easier time ahead. If I was your in-real-life friend, I would be saying the same things...you can't control what you can't control, but putting yourselves in the position to anticipate a baby and his or her needs will be soooo much easier than forever playing catch up.

Just to answer your questions quick:
As a contractor I am lucky enough to have full health, dental, vision, life insurance that also covers maternity leave and hospital visits and up to 2 days in the hospital during the birth. It's true we don't know if my contract will be extended beyond 6 months but my boss is very confident that I will be around for quite awhile as the turnover at our company is low1. The next newest person after me has been here a little over 3 years and the longest anyone has been here is something like 40 years. I also got a raise a couple weeks ago which is reassuring. But like you said, you can't plan for everything which is the reason DH and I are paying off as much as we can each month but then also putting the rest in savings.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Here is a good activity that my husband and I practiced (and still do) in order to help us gauge wether or not we could afford a child...

Research how much, in your area (because it differs), how much it would cost to comfortably afford a child. Don''t leave anything out. Co-pays for doctors visits, child care, diapers, formula, clothing, and misc.

Then set up a savings account at your local bank.

Each month, off the top of your take home pay, tuck away the estimated costs of having the baby. Do this for at least 3 months before looking at the balance. It only works if you pretend like the money is "gone" and not "saved"...you cannot tap into it for any reason, and it comes off the top first because you and your needs have to come second once you''re a parent.

At the end the benefits are two fold. One, you get to see what your lifestyle would be like with baby expenses...but you also have forced savings that you can apply to the cost of preparing for your child.

My husband and I have done for the past 2.5 years of marriage. We call it our "baby fund". You''d be amazed at how much adds up and what light it shines on what you''re realistically able to do and afford if you have a child. It''s almost like insurance on parenthood...you then know if you can really afford to have a baby in a very practical way.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

While that''s a great idea we both know we are a little short of having enough right now. Hence why I said we were happy regardless of not being pregnant...We''ve done our research at well, we check out prices at the grocery store, etc. Hell, we put our cats before us so we''re aware Once we have more things paid off is when we know we''re getting closer because that money can then be spent on children.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/4/2009 3:06:08 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 12/4/2009 3:01:37 PM
Author: musey

Date: 12/4/2009 2:48:56 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
If someone said ''I want to go to college one day'' would you tell them ''oh it''s too expensive'' or ''you don''t have time for that right now''? Probably not. It''s one of their goals in life and most likely would be encouraged. I just don''t see why people can''t have that attitude towards people getting married and having children as well.

The reaction is different because college is an investment in your future. It''s a financial drain that will, in the vast majority of cases, show a financial return. Children, as wonderful as they are, are a financial drain PERIOD. Yes, completely and unquestionably worth it for people that want to be parents, but still - you are comparing apples and oranges, here.

I have to respectfully disagree with you here as it seems you misinterpreted. What I was saying was not related to financial gain in any way. I was saying they are both goals people have in their lifetimes and one should be able to be excited about either regardless of what the time period is for accomplishing said goals.

While that''s well and good, what I said still stands. They are completely different types of endeavors, and to compare an outsider''s response to one over the other is not a fair comparison. Of course the reaction to "I want to go to college some day" should always be positive, as that''s a respectable goal for anyone to have, and something that should never be discouraged. Having children, on the other hand, almost universally draws a reaction of worry if the outsider''s feeling is that you are not ready (regardless of whether it''s justified).

Whether or not financial gain comes into the picture was not something I extrapolated from your posts, but rather a justification of the difference between the two as life goals, and why they elicit different reactions (of course, depending on the situation).

 

[musey]

Date: 12/4/2009 3:09:55 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 12/4/2009 3:05:04 PM
Author: musey
Again, it doesn't sound like they're worried about 'some day,' they're worried about 'now' - which, according to what you've said, would be legitimate.

If they are worried about 'some day,' then there may be WAY bigger issues at play here, and an honest talk with your family (if you do genuinely care about quelling their fears) may be overdue.

I should add that no one but ps and dh and I knew about the possibility of a wedding night baby as I can only assume that is what you were referring to. So their worries are in fact, not legitimate for the time being. They only know that someday in the future we would like to have kids.

Smurfy over and out

I think that the potential 'oops' is a moot point in regards to having a talk with your family.

My point in the last paragraph was only that their concerns are likely coming from somewhere. If my family were reacting this way, I would personally want to understand what's at the root of it - rather than speculating about their motivations (ie. they're not ready for you to grow up). Only good can come from understanding.

this post was supposed to be about people's tact regarding someone else's excitement about wanting to someday start a family. It obviously has gone off topic.

I apologize, if this was directed at me, but to be fair, I was not the first to take it in this direction - you started out that way:

Date: 12/3/2009 9:52:39 AM
Author:Smurfyimproved
I just don't understand why people feel the need to say these things about something I am just generally expressing interest and excitement about in the future.

You said you don't understand, and I tried to explain my understanding (from an outsider's perspective who knows next to NOTHING about you) of how these reactions usually pop up.

I think Hudson is correct about wording your OP in a way that doesn't solicit advice specific to your situation - because it and your later posts both seemed to be asking for just that.

If that's a misinterpretation, that's fine, but of course we should always look to our own posts if we start getting a majority of responses that take the topic in a direction that we weren't wanting.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/4/2009 3:59:46 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Here is a good activity that my husband and I practiced (and still do) in order to help us gauge wether or not we could afford a child...

Research how much, in your area (because it differs), how much it would cost to comfortably afford a child. Don''t leave anything out. Co-pays for doctors visits, child care, diapers, formula, clothing, and misc.

Then set up a savings account at your local bank.

Each month, off the top of your take home pay, tuck away the estimated costs of having the baby. Do this for at least 3 months before looking at the balance. It only works if you pretend like the money is ''gone'' and not ''saved''...you cannot tap into it for any reason, and it comes off the top first because you and your needs have to come second once you''re a parent.

At the end the benefits are two fold. One, you get to see what your lifestyle would be like with baby expenses...but you also have forced savings that you can apply to the cost of preparing for your child.

My husband and I have done for the past 2.5 years of marriage. We call it our ''baby fund''. You''d be amazed at how much adds up and what light it shines on what you''re realistically able to do and afford if you have a child. It''s almost like insurance on parenthood...you then know if you can really afford to have a baby in a very practical way.

This type of thinking is what makes me suspect I''ll never be ''ready'' for kids

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 12/4/2009 4:17:00 PM
Author: musey

Date: 12/4/2009 3:59:46 PM

Author: Italiahaircolor

Here is a good activity that my husband and I practiced (and still do) in order to help us gauge wether or not we could afford a child...


Research how much, in your area (because it differs), how much it would cost to comfortably afford a child. Don''t leave anything out. Co-pays for doctors visits, child care, diapers, formula, clothing, and misc.


Then set up a savings account at your local bank.


Each month, off the top of your take home pay, tuck away the estimated costs of having the baby. Do this for at least 3 months before looking at the balance. It only works if you pretend like the money is ''gone'' and not ''saved''...you cannot tap into it for any reason, and it comes off the top first because you and your needs have to come second once you''re a parent.


At the end the benefits are two fold. One, you get to see what your lifestyle would be like with baby expenses...but you also have forced savings that you can apply to the cost of preparing for your child.


My husband and I have done for the past 2.5 years of marriage. We call it our ''baby fund''. You''d be amazed at how much adds up and what light it shines on what you''re realistically able to do and afford if you have a child. It''s almost like insurance on parenthood...you then know if you can really afford to have a baby in a very practical way.

This type of thinking is what makes me suspect I''ll never be ''ready'' for kids

BIG DITTO Musey!

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/4/2009 4:17:00 PM
Author: musey

Date: 12/4/2009 3:59:46 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Here is a good activity that my husband and I practiced (and still do) in order to help us gauge wether or not we could afford a child...

Research how much, in your area (because it differs), how much it would cost to comfortably afford a child. Don''t leave anything out. Co-pays for doctors visits, child care, diapers, formula, clothing, and misc.

Then set up a savings account at your local bank.

Each month, off the top of your take home pay, tuck away the estimated costs of having the baby. Do this for at least 3 months before looking at the balance. It only works if you pretend like the money is ''gone'' and not ''saved''...you cannot tap into it for any reason, and it comes off the top first because you and your needs have to come second once you''re a parent.

At the end the benefits are two fold. One, you get to see what your lifestyle would be like with baby expenses...but you also have forced savings that you can apply to the cost of preparing for your child.

My husband and I have done for the past 2.5 years of marriage. We call it our ''baby fund''. You''d be amazed at how much adds up and what light it shines on what you''re realistically able to do and afford if you have a child. It''s almost like insurance on parenthood...you then know if you can really afford to have a baby in a very practical way.

This type of thinking is what makes me suspect I''ll never be ''ready'' for kids

Ha! I was thinking kinda the same thing- except it is a fantastic idea, to help prepare for the baby''s little future! Thanks Italia!

(Minor TJ) Oh and noelwr - yeah I''ve tried a few different ones. I think it might be the +++ iron. But who knows. Honestly is not a bother at all, cept when I''m out on one of my runs... but some are WORSe than others. ha!

Smurfy... I know you and your hubby are excited about future kids someday.. and you aren''t ready this minute.. but I wonder if it is a newlywed thing. I seem to remember a topic about a year ago about when the urge to have babies hit - and it seemed to be after the planning of the wedding was over- there was this lul- and a lot of newlyweds went into thinking about baby making.. whether they actually began trying or not.. seemed it was a feeling that you aren''t alone on. So hugs!

 

[musey]

Date: 12/4/2009 4:31:54 PM
Author: tlh
Smurfy... I know you and your hubby are excited about future kids someday.. and you aren''t ready this minute.. but I wonder if it is a newlywed thing. I seem to remember a topic about a year ago about when the urge to have babies hit - and it seemed to be after the planning of the wedding was over- there was this lul- and a lot of newlyweds went into thinking about baby making.. whether they actually began trying or not.. seemed it was a feeling that you aren''t alone on. So hugs!

I had one like that!

And I can say from personal experience... the feeling passes

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/4/2009 4:31:23 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/4/2009 4:17:00 PM
Author: musey

Date: 12/4/2009 3:59:46 PM

Author: Italiahaircolor

Here is a good activity that my husband and I practiced (and still do) in order to help us gauge wether or not we could afford a child...


Research how much, in your area (because it differs), how much it would cost to comfortably afford a child. Don''t leave anything out. Co-pays for doctors visits, child care, diapers, formula, clothing, and misc.


Then set up a savings account at your local bank.


Each month, off the top of your take home pay, tuck away the estimated costs of having the baby. Do this for at least 3 months before looking at the balance. It only works if you pretend like the money is ''gone'' and not ''saved''...you cannot tap into it for any reason, and it comes off the top first because you and your needs have to come second once you''re a parent.


At the end the benefits are two fold. One, you get to see what your lifestyle would be like with baby expenses...but you also have forced savings that you can apply to the cost of preparing for your child.


My husband and I have done for the past 2.5 years of marriage. We call it our ''baby fund''. You''d be amazed at how much adds up and what light it shines on what you''re realistically able to do and afford if you have a child. It''s almost like insurance on parenthood...you then know if you can really afford to have a baby in a very practical way.

This type of thinking is what makes me suspect I''ll never be ''ready'' for kids

BIG DITTO Musey!

+ this girl. If people really did this, would baby showers still exist??? Hmm. *scratches head.*

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 12/4/2009 4:51:02 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 12/4/2009 4:31:23 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/4/2009 4:17:00 PM

Author: musey

Date: 12/4/2009 3:59:46 PM


Author: Italiahaircolor


Here is a good activity that my husband and I practiced (and still do) in order to help us gauge wether or not we could afford a child...



Research how much, in your area (because it differs), how much it would cost to comfortably afford a child. Don''t leave anything out. Co-pays for doctors visits, child care, diapers, formula, clothing, and misc.



Then set up a savings account at your local bank.



Each month, off the top of your take home pay, tuck away the estimated costs of having the baby. Do this for at least 3 months before looking at the balance. It only works if you pretend like the money is ''gone'' and not ''saved''...you cannot tap into it for any reason, and it comes off the top first because you and your needs have to come second once you''re a parent.



At the end the benefits are two fold. One, you get to see what your lifestyle would be like with baby expenses...but you also have forced savings that you can apply to the cost of preparing for your child.



My husband and I have done for the past 2.5 years of marriage. We call it our ''baby fund''. You''d be amazed at how much adds up and what light it shines on what you''re realistically able to do and afford if you have a child. It''s almost like insurance on parenthood...you then know if you can really afford to have a baby in a very practical way.

This type of thinking is what makes me suspect I''ll never be ''ready'' for kids

BIG DITTO Musey!

+ this girl. If people really did this, would baby showers still exist??? Hmm. *scratches head.*

Of course! Everyone, even those who have all they need, love presents!

Though if I were in the position to provide everything needed for a baby without impacting my lifestyle, I''d donate the gifts from my baby shower to a good cause or a needy family.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/4/2009 5:13:04 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/4/2009 4:51:02 PM

Author: monarch64

Date: 12/4/2009 4:31:23 PM


Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/4/2009 4:17:00 PM


Author: musey

Date: 12/4/2009 3:59:46 PM



Author: Italiahaircolor



Here is a good activity that my husband and I practiced (and still do) in order to help us gauge wether or not we could afford a child...




Research how much, in your area (because it differs), how much it would cost to comfortably afford a child. Don''t leave anything out. Co-pays for doctors visits, child care, diapers, formula, clothing, and misc.




Then set up a savings account at your local bank.




Each month, off the top of your take home pay, tuck away the estimated costs of having the baby. Do this for at least 3 months before looking at the balance. It only works if you pretend like the money is ''gone'' and not ''saved''...you cannot tap into it for any reason, and it comes off the top first because you and your needs have to come second once you''re a parent.




At the end the benefits are two fold. One, you get to see what your lifestyle would be like with baby expenses...but you also have forced savings that you can apply to the cost of preparing for your child.




My husband and I have done for the past 2.5 years of marriage. We call it our ''baby fund''. You''d be amazed at how much adds up and what light it shines on what you''re realistically able to do and afford if you have a child. It''s almost like insurance on parenthood...you then know if you can really afford to have a baby in a very practical way.

This type of thinking is what makes me suspect I''ll never be ''ready'' for kids

BIG DITTO Musey!

+ this girl. If people really did this, would baby showers still exist??? Hmm. *scratches head.*

Of course! Everyone, even those who have all they need, love presents!


Though if I were in the position to provide everything needed for a baby without impacting my lifestyle, I''d donate the gifts from my baby shower to a good cause or a needy family.

I read somewhere that this is what Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz (sp?) did. I guess for their baby shower they asked everyone to bring a copy of their favorite book as a child for a present to start a book collection and donated everything else. I actually really like that idea so once I win the lottery that is probably what I''ll do for a baby shower haha

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 12/4/2009 4:51:02 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 12/4/2009 4:31:23 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/4/2009 4:17:00 PM
Author: musey

Date: 12/4/2009 3:59:46 PM

Author: Italiahaircolor

Here is a good activity that my husband and I practiced (and still do) in order to help us gauge wether or not we could afford a child...


Research how much, in your area (because it differs), how much it would cost to comfortably afford a child. Don''t leave anything out. Co-pays for doctors visits, child care, diapers, formula, clothing, and misc.


Then set up a savings account at your local bank.


Each month, off the top of your take home pay, tuck away the estimated costs of having the baby. Do this for at least 3 months before looking at the balance. It only works if you pretend like the money is ''gone'' and not ''saved''...you cannot tap into it for any reason, and it comes off the top first because you and your needs have to come second once you''re a parent.


At the end the benefits are two fold. One, you get to see what your lifestyle would be like with baby expenses...but you also have forced savings that you can apply to the cost of preparing for your child.


My husband and I have done for the past 2.5 years of marriage. We call it our ''baby fund''. You''d be amazed at how much adds up and what light it shines on what you''re realistically able to do and afford if you have a child. It''s almost like insurance on parenthood...you then know if you can really afford to have a baby in a very practical way.

This type of thinking is what makes me suspect I''ll never be ''ready'' for kids

BIG DITTO Musey!

+ this girl. If people really did this, would baby showers still exist??? Hmm. *scratches head.*

I sure hope so! How else can the expectant mom have a room full of people guess how BIG she has gotten?

 

[monarch64]

Smurfy, yeah, I think several celebs have done that. When Nicole Ritchie (what is her last name now? can''t remember who she married) had her shower they donated everything as well. She had the most awesome shower I''ve ever seen--it was a Wizard of Oz theme and coincidentally that is my favorite movie. Anyway, I think that is a very nice thing to do when you have the means in place already and don''t need to be showered with the typical baby necessities.

SO has a goddaughter and I am so proud of him--he has already started a college fund for her and he sees her several times a month. Education is very, very important to him but the family of this child is not financially fortunate, so to speak, and he has gone out of his way to ensure that she has a bright and stable future. Ok, sorry for the tangent.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I personally have never met the couple that got everything they needed for their new baby from their shower. And even if a couple was blessed enough so that they did get it all, savings have never hurt anyone. You can apply the money wherever you need...be it an emergency fund, or just staying on top of the expenses a little one creates.

When we first started this plan we were amazed how much money we had to sink into the fund. AMAZED. It was a huge adjustment for a while to "forget" about that income just sitting there. But, I will be honest, we have been so thankful we''ve had that nest egg to fall back on. That money has covered co-pays related to my attempts at getting pregnant and now that we are looking into adoption, we can comfortably say that supporting a birth mother from that fund would be a possibility, where as if we didn''t have it we''d be in a very, very tough spot.

I guess I would say that it''s not for everyone. It''s certainly a huge expense, but if you''re going to be a parent those expenses are coming sooner or later, and best you find out on the forefront what you can and cannot afford. For me, as a planner, if nothing else it''s given me peace of mind that we can afford a child. I would hate nothing more than to have a baby I couldn''t afford...the thought alone terrifies me. In this current economic climate where things are changing all the time, I know that one or even both of us could lose our positions, or take pay cuts and we''d have money to fall back on when it came to raising a baby, that although we may be eatting Ramen Noodles morning, noon and night, my child would still maintain a comfortable life.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 12/4/2009 6:00:24 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I personally have never met the couple that got everything they needed for their new baby from their shower. And even if a couple was blessed enough so that they did get it all, savings have never hurt anyone. You can apply the money wherever you need...be it an emergency fund, or just staying on top of the expenses a little one creates.

Consider me the first person you''ve ever "met"

Actually there was one very sleep deprived evening when FI and I laughed non stop for about 5 minutes and continued every time we looked at each other for the next 15 when we realized we hadn''t bought a single item for our new baby. Not one clothing, blanket, or equipment.

But our savings did go towards paying bills while I was out on maternity leave so that was a blessing.

 

[cara]

Date: 12/4/2009 3:39:15 PM
Author: EBree

Date: 12/3/2009 9:52:39 AM
Author:Smurfyimproved
I'm not sure how many of you have heard this phrase and I understand that people are well meaning but right now it's just ticking me right off. I mention that dh and I can't wait to have children and automatically we get

Smurfy, I think the above may be where people both here and in your life may be confused. 'We can't wait to have children' can be interpreted as we want to have children right away. But on page two of this thread, you say you don't want children right away because you have goals you'd like to accomplish first, which is exactly what I think you should say to anyone who asks.

Ditto Ebree here.

Smurfy, there is an art in not provoking meddlesome comments from others. Assuming you and your hubby are young and still have some debt to pay off, it is completely reasonable that other well-meaning people might think you all should wait to have kids until you are more established. If you don't want them to express their well-meaning but unwelcome advice, you need to present yourselves differently by any number of means, and then relax and realize that you can't prevent all such comments as it is human nature to some extent to offer such opinions on other people's business. In particular, you can say that you are looking forward to having kids when you have X,Y,Z under control (debt gone, savings built, house purchased, travel made, career established, etc.). And there are still people that will just say you are too young for kids, it will ruin your fun, etc. Ignore them! And also take comfort, there are tons of 30somethings getting it on the other end (when are you and hubby going to start a family? you aren't getting any younger! etc.). People are busybodies, its the human condition.

On the being prepared front, I don't know that you can be fully. And sometimes it doesn't make sense to wait until *everything* is lined up perfectly - there is rarely a perfect time.