Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

[Jambalaya]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Are you young-ish and starting out in your married life? If so, and if it were me in this position, I think I'd just say, "We need that money for our future so we are not coming." Honestly, 10k is so much to ask. At that financial level, she IS taking resources from your joint future in my opinion, assuming you are in your early years as a married couple. Think what 10k invested could grow to over the years. I think your SIL needs a good dose of reality.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Just read more of the responses and realized you aren't going. Good, and I hope you and your DH don't waste a second feeling bad about it. Asking someone to commit so much money to their wedding is one of the most unreasonable things I've ever heard of. I'd be very surprised if the groom isn't having second thoughts.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I've been following this thread, and Tuffy, I am so glad you and your DH are not going. Your SIL seems ridiculous beyond belief. A large part of me kept thinking that she would change her mind if only she realized how much stress and inconvenience and cost this was going to cause everyone. Now with her reaction, to her own mother no less, it sure makes it easy to tell her "peace out", and happy married life to you. Hope you like Ireland.

Seriously, what kind of person is she?? Without knowing anything else, I can't imagine why would anyone want to marry her. What a nightmare. It's ok Tuffy. You don't have to explain or defend her. I'm just venting. It doesn't matter one way or the other. Best of luck to the groom. (It's next June, right? He's still got time to rethink this whole "marriage" thing...)

 

[thecat]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Thanks for the update. I know some parents provide money to the engaged couple to help them out financially but with some strings attached. But a cruise must be one of the most inconsiderate demand ever made. I'm glad to hear that family members are finally at peace with themselves for not being able to attend the wedding after her latest outburst.

Actually I wonder how much your SIL can manage to save from the $20k after people start declining invitations and they have to forfeit the deposit and pay for their own room. Hope they didn't do their sums wrongly such that they end up having to be out of pocket on top of the $20k.

 

[distracts]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I've got an update for anyone who wants to know what's going on... MIL talked to SIL. She let her know of her concerns (sea sickness, spending 12 full days with the in-laws, feeling "trapped" on the ship, family members getting the time off work, etc). SIL became pretty upset and started crying and said that this is what she wants and she isn't willing to budge. MIL suggested that they at least throw a party (or a dinner, at least) locally so anyone who isn't able to go on the cruise can still celebrate with them. SIL said that she's not willing to plan anything, so her family can come on the cruise, or not and that's that. DH was pretty upset by this and feels that all her actions point to her not caring whether her family comes or not, which seems to be the case, thus, he has now decided that we are not going to the wedding.

I kind of expected this outcome, but I feel so sorry for your husband and MIL. I have no idea what is going through SIL's head that this seems like the best course of action for her.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Are you young-ish and starting out in your married life? If so, and if it were me in this position, I think I'd just say, "We need that money for our future so we are not coming." Honestly, 10k is so much to ask. At that financial level, she IS taking resources from your joint future in my opinion, assuming you are in your early years as a married couple. Think what 10k invested could grow to over the years. I think your SIL needs a good dose of reality.

We're not really young (35), but we are newly married (a year next week), and we are saving aggressively to buy our dream home... that $10k would definitely be better served being saved or invested.

I think that SIL figures that because we "can" afford it, we should go. What she is not factoring is that while we "could" spend that much on a vacation, we don't WANT to spend that much on a vacation we have no interest in! $5 is way too much to spend on something that has no value to you!!!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I've been following this thread, and Tuffy, I am so glad you and your DH are not going. Your SIL seems ridiculous beyond belief. A large part of me kept thinking that she would change her mind if only she realized how much stress and inconvenience and cost this was going to cause everyone. Now with her reaction, to her own mother no less, it sure makes it easy to tell her "peace out", and happy married life to you. Hope you like Ireland.

Seriously, what kind of person is she?? Without knowing anything else, I can't imagine why would anyone want to marry her. What a nightmare. It's ok Tuffy. You don't have to explain or defend her. I'm just venting. It doesn't matter one way or the other. Best of luck to the groom. (It's next June, right? He's still got time to rethink this whole "marriage" thing...)

I kept thinking she was going to change her mind too! I mean, when every member of your family has a problem with it, why would you continue on with the plan?!? I have to wonder what their friends are saying about this. I can't believe none of her friends have tried to talk her out of this (or maybe they have?!?). I hate to say this, but this whole thing has really changed my opinion of SIL.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Thanks for the update. I know some parents provide money to the engaged couple to help them out financially but with some strings attached. But a cruise must be one of the most inconsiderate demand ever made. I'm glad to hear that family members are finally at peace with themselves for not being able to attend the wedding after her latest outburst.

Actually I wonder how much your SIL can manage to save from the $20k after people start declining invitations and they have to forfeit the deposit and pay for their own room. Hope they didn't do their sums wrongly such that they end up having to be out of pocket on top of the $20k.

Yep, I've thought about all of this. Initially I wanted to warn her that this was a lot to ask because I felt that it would end up being a very expensive and disappointing experience. Only time will tell if that is truly the case, but I'm definitely worried. DH cautioned her that her guest list might end up being very small, and that we will not be coming, so if ends up being a mistake, it's hers to make. Still frustrating... Ugh!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I think I called the Bride going feral a few pages ago.... weddings turn normal people into irrational nutballs. I suspect the mother in law on the other side has a lot to answer for too, (some mother in laws tend to become feral domineering nutters at weddings too.....) if they are encouraging them and they are cruise people and are paying the couple money to have a wedding this way then obviously there are people from the collective families that think its a great idea. Just because it is their "dream situation" they cannot see outside their own little narrowly designed box to see how expensive and inconvenient it is for everyone else.

I love that term! She is feral for sure. I agree that it is wildly off-base to ask your friends to chip in that kind of money. A dream wedding in no dream when it's expensive and inconvenient for the guests.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I've got an update for anyone who wants to know what's going on... MIL talked to SIL. She let her know of her concerns (sea sickness, spending 12 full days with the in-laws, feeling "trapped" on the ship, family members getting the time off work, etc). SIL became pretty upset and started crying and said that this is what she wants and she isn't willing to budge. MIL suggested that they at least throw a party (or a dinner, at least) locally so anyone who isn't able to go on the cruise can still celebrate with them. SIL said that she's not willing to plan anything, so her family can come on the cruise, or not and that's that. DH was pretty upset by this and feels that all her actions point to her not caring whether her family comes or not, which seems to be the case, thus, he has now decided that we are not going to the wedding.

I kind of expected this outcome, but I feel so sorry for your husband and MIL. I have no idea what is going through SIL's head that this seems like the best course of action for her.

Ugh, I had sooooo hoped that this would not be the outcome. I feel really bad for DH and MIL--even DH's younger brother is upset. He had planned a trip with his college friends that he will no longer be able to take because of this wedding! Literally her entire immediate family is unhappy about this!!! I don't get what's going through her head either?!?!

 

[aljdewey]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Aw, Tuffy, I'm soooo sorry for your family.

Like Distracts, I wholly expected this outcome, but man......I really did hope it would go another way. I'm sure it's incredibly disappointing all around, and I'm sorry everyone has to go through this.

Even though you guys all know you're right to take a pass, I'm sure it still feels horrible and awful to be put in such a tough spot. Perhaps we can all just hold out hope for you guys that plans may change if the "everyone" crowd doesn't pony up - I have a feeling that may still happen. Hang in there!

 

[iLander]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

This points out something that has been on my mind for years: sometimes issue with the inlaws or mother-in-laws are started by the bride/daughter-in-law.

Society is quick to stereotype awful mother-in-laws, but that's simply not always the case.

Just sayin' . . .

 

[marymm]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

^ ilander, did you read the whole thread? The MIL/FIL offered bride and son $20K to go with them on a cruise and have their wedding on the ship etc., so this situation originated with the In Laws, not the bride (though she took the ball and is running down the field full-speed) -- or did I completely misunderstand this thread?

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

^ ilander, did you read the whole thread? The MIL/FIL offered bride and son $20K to go with them on a cruise and have their wedding on the ship etc., so this situation originated with the In Laws, not the bride (though she took the ball and is running down the field full-speed) -- or did I completely misunderstand this thread?

Yes, you've got it right.

 

[iLander]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

^ ilander, did you read the whole thread? The MIL/FIL offered bride and son $20K to go with them on a cruise and have their wedding on the ship etc., so this situation originated with the In Laws, not the bride (though she took the ball and is running down the field full-speed) -- or did I completely misunderstand this thread?

Honestly, I have lost the whole point of who is related to whom in this thread. I meant to just point out that sometimes people spend years complaining about their in-laws (as I suspect this girl will) and the in-laws are not instigators.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Aw, Tuffy, I'm soooo sorry for your family.

Like Distracts, I wholly expected this outcome, but man......I really did hope it would go another way. I'm sure it's incredibly disappointing all around, and I'm sorry everyone has to go through this.

Even though you guys all know you're right to take a pass, I'm sure it still feels horrible and awful to be put in such a tough spot. Perhaps we can all just hold out hope for you guys that plans may change if the "everyone" crowd doesn't pony up - I have a feeling that may still happen. Hang in there!

Thanks, yes it does feel awful to have to pass on her wedding. She is DH's only sister, and he really would like to be a part of it. It is also causing conflict with the rest of the family because they want DH to be a part of it too.

We've started TTC, so hopefully I get knocked up soon, so it will be a non-issue--being 7-8 months pregnant is the perfect excuse to not take a 2-week long international trip!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

^ ilander, did you read the whole thread? The MIL/FIL offered bride and son $20K to go with them on a cruise and have their wedding on the ship etc., so this situation originated with the In Laws, not the bride (though she took the ball and is running down the field full-speed) -- or did I completely misunderstand this thread?

Honestly, I have lost the whole point of who is related to whom in this thread. I meant to just point out that sometimes people spend years complaining about their in-laws (as I suspect this girl will) and the in-laws are not instigators.

SIL is my DH's sister. Her FI's parents are offering money for the cruise wedding. MIL is DH and SIL's mother. She is a widow--her husband died about 10 years ago and left her in a bad situation financially. She works and supports herself, but we chip in to help her a little bit (she lives in the upstairs unit of our duplex for cheap rent). Bottom line is that she is in no position to give her daughter $20k towards her dream wedding, so it seems like it could be underhanded of SIL's future in-laws to offer money in order to control the wedding. I don't know them well enough to say if that's actually the case, or if they are just trying to be nice and generous, as SIL's FI is their only child and they know MIL is in no position to contribute. I mean, it's easy to see why this is so tempting to SIL--she and her FI would have to plan and pay for their own wedding otherwise (they are both successful, so this would be no problem, but SIL hates parting with her money).

I don't know if this makes it more confusing, but I tried!!!

 

[Rockinruby]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

We're not really young (35), but we are newly married (a year next week), and we are saving aggressively to buy our dream home... that $10k would definitely be better served being saved or invested.

I think that SIL figures that because we "can" afford it, we should go. What she is not factoring is that while we "could" spend that much on a vacation, we don't WANT to spend that much on a vacation we have no interest in! $5 is way too much to spend on something that has no value to you!!!

Good for you tuffyluvr! I think it's a great idea to save your $$$ and invest in something for you & your DH. That is just too much money to spend on a vacation that you didn't choose. I just wish it had turned out differently so that there could be a party locally for family & friends who can't make the trip.

 

[KaeKae]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

^ ilander, did you read the whole thread? The MIL/FIL offered bride and son $20K to go with them on a cruise and have their wedding on the ship etc., so this situation originated with the In Laws, not the bride (though she took the ball and is running down the field full-speed) -- or did I completely misunderstand this thread?

Honestly, I have lost the whole point of who is related to whom in this thread. I meant to just point out that sometimes people spend years complaining about their in-laws (as I suspect this girl will) and the in-laws are not instigators.

SIL is my DH's sister. Her FI's parents are offering money for the cruise wedding. MIL is DH and SIL's mother. She is a widow--her husband died about 10 years ago and left her in a bad situation financially. She works and supports herself, but we chip in to help her a little bit (she lives in the upstairs unit of our duplex for cheap rent). Bottom line is that she is in no position to give her daughter $20k towards her dream wedding, so it seems like it could be underhanded of SIL's future in-laws to offer money in order to control the wedding. I don't know them well enough to say if that's actually the case, or if they are just trying to be nice and generous, as SIL's FI is their only child and they know MIL is in no position to contribute. I mean, it's easy to see why this is so tempting to SIL--she and her FI would have to plan and pay for their own wedding otherwise (they are both successful, so this would be no problem, but SIL hates parting with her money).

I don't know if this makes it more confusing, but I tried!!!

I think I responded that I wouldn't go (way back on page one) and have followed since. Tuffyluvr, it looks to me like you just summed up the entire situation with the part I highlighted. What's upsetting to me is, twofold: #1: SIL may not want to spend the big bucks for her wedding, but appears to have no problem demanding that everyone else do so. That takes a lot of nerve, imo. And #2, and this one is even more important: now that family, including her own mother have told her that this "idea" won't work, she's saying she's going ahead with it, no matter who doesn't get to attend.

All to save some bucks and get her way. Very sad and very frustrating.

 

[distracts]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

One other thing I was thinking - while SIL is interpreting that her friends are saying it's a great idea and they'll go, I keep wondering if what they are actually saying is like what I said to a friend of mine who is having an extravagant destination wedding this spring (in a place I would ACTUALLY like to go, with half of my bffs in attendance as their boyfriends are groomsmen) when I got the save-the-date: "That sounds absolutely fantastic, I'd LOVE to go!" Which means that, hey, if all the stars align, I will go, but if they don't, I'm not exactly going to sweat it, nor am I going to move mountains to make it happen. At this moment it looks like I won't be attending, because I have another expensive foreign vacation (that I'd forgotten about) tentatively planned for the summer, have to rent a house there at a reasonably large expense but my other friends who are going can't figure out what dates they'll be there so the lesser-priced rentals are getting snapped up, and don't want to go if my bffs are only going to be there for a few days, because I'm only going if I get a weeklong vacation with my bffs out of it. But since they aren't getting my actual RSVP until I get the invitation, all the communication they have from me is that I'd love to go and think their idea sounds amazing, which could sound a lot more like "yes" than it actually is.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

One other thing I was thinking - while SIL is interpreting that her friends are saying it's a great idea and they'll go, I keep wondering if what they are actually saying is like what I said to a friend of mine who is having an extravagant destination wedding this spring (in a place I would ACTUALLY like to go, with half of my bffs in attendance as their boyfriends are groomsmen) when I got the save-the-date: "That sounds absolutely fantastic, I'd LOVE to go!" Which means that, hey, if all the stars align, I will go, but if they don't, I'm not exactly going to sweat it, nor am I going to move mountains to make it happen. At this moment it looks like I won't be attending, because I have another expensive foreign vacation (that I'd forgotten about) tentatively planned for the summer, have to rent a house there at a reasonably large expense but my other friends who are going can't figure out what dates they'll be there so the lesser-priced rentals are getting snapped up, and don't want to go if my bffs are only going to be there for a few days, because I'm only going if I get a weeklong vacation with my bffs out of it. But since they aren't getting my actual RSVP until I get the invitation, all the communication they have from me is that I'd love to go and think their idea sounds amazing, which could sound a lot more like "yes" than it actually is.

100% agree. Everything sounds amazing a year out! But things change when it comes down to taking off 2 weeks and spending $5k-plus!!!

I was in the same boat with one of my best friend's wedding. Her mom is Swedish and the family's tradition is for the kids to get married in the little town in the Swedish countryside that the family has owned for several hundred years. Her sisters and most of her cousins have been married in the little spa town. It's a long trip, but once you get there it's cheap--the family owns all the buildings including a hotel (approx $100usd per night) and a hostel ($20 per person, per night for a private room), and the family generously hosts several meals as well. While staying for the wedding is not expensive, the flight from Los Angeles is not cheap and it's a full day of travel each way, so it's not worth it to go for less than a week. I really wanted to be there--I would have LOVED to go, but I started a new job a couple months before her wedding and simply could not get a week off. My friend understood 100% that not everyone who wanted to go could be there, thus, she and her husband threw a nice party in our hometown once they got back from their honeymoon. It wasn't fancy, but there was food and drink and dancing and everyone had a great time celebrating them.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Ugh, I had sooooo hoped that this would not be the outcome. I feel really bad for DH and MIL--even DH's younger brother is upset. He had planned a trip with his college friends that he will no longer be able to take because of this wedding! Literally her entire immediate family is unhappy about this!!! I don't get what's going through her head either?!?!

I feel terrible for younger brother. I hope he sorts out his priorities and opts out, as well. (But I suspect I'm a lot like Jambalaya's close friend.)

I suspect SIL is excited about her wedding, and it's disappointing when no one else is. But, she'll get over it. I think she just needs some time to think.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Ugh, I had sooooo hoped that this would not be the outcome. I feel really bad for DH and MIL--even DH's younger brother is upset. He had planned a trip with his college friends that he will no longer be able to take because of this wedding! Literally her entire immediate family is unhappy about this!!! I don't get what's going through her head either?!?!

I feel terrible for younger brother. I hope he sorts out his priorities and opts out, as well. (But I suspect I'm a lot like Jambalaya's close friend.)

I suspect SIL is excited about her wedding, and it's disappointing when no one else is. But, she'll get over it. I think she just needs some time to think.

I feel bad for him too! I feel bad for the whole family (including myself and even SIL)!

I keep going back to Tacori E-Ring's quote: "it's much easier for me to get over guilt than resentment". I think the whole family needs to get over something ;P

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Tuffyluvr, This whole situation seems so sad. I wonder if she will look back at her wedding day and feel happy about the day a few years from now. I think at some point in time this woman is going to regret her decision. I realize it's her decision to make. I can't imagine not being with the people I love on such an important day. This must be so hard on your husband's family.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Tuffyluvr, This whole situation seems so sad. I wonder if she will look back at her wedding day and feel happy about the day a few years from now. I think at some point in time this woman is going to regret her decision. I realize it's her decision to make. I can't imagine not being with the people I love on such an important day. This must be so hard on your husband's family.

I worry about this too, but since these concerns have been addressed with her and she's choosing to proceed, so we have no choice but to wait and see if it ends up being a mistake. It's really frustrating!

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I don't have siblings so for me the idea that anyone would even humor this woman is completely outlandish. So I asked DH, who does have siblings and his response was "Yeah, no."

And we have no issue, either of us (I checked) saying, "We hope you have a great trip! We're sorry we cannot be there, and we'd love to celebrate with you when you return." And no accusation of being cheap or anything would shame us into saying anything different.

I am firmly of the opinion that this woman is crazy. And you can't argue with crazy. Period. So I wouldn't even try. I'd just memorize my response (see above) and repeat as often as necessary.

 

[arkieb1]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I feel sorry for the younger brother as well, tell your husband to tell him that it's his money and he should not be verbally guilt tripped into paying for anything he doesn't really want to pay for either. You SIL is a self absorbed cheapskate bridezilla although its sad people will miss the wedding it's the bride and groom (and other MILs) choice to force this onto people, everyone else has the choice not to accept that as a rational decision.

Your side of the family should all turn up on their doorstep half announced with food and gifts before it and wish them well and let whoever is nuts enough to go with them get on with it.

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I can understand SIL in that she is tight with her own money (I get that) and she is getting this big fabulous trip for FREEE!
But I think she needs to separate her feelings about that, from her feelings, if she did not have this offer, what would she want for her wedding? I would be very surprised if in her mind her perfect wedding did not include for example her mother, her brother and most of her friends and family.

Hopefully she will have some self-awareness, and get back to the other MIL FIL before it is too late, and say, it is really generous what you are offering, but most of my immediate family and friends will not be able to make this. I would love to go on a trip like this if you wanted to gift it to us as a honeymoon and join us, but it won't work for our wedding.

Well, that is my 2 cents. I know I botched my wedding to some extent on the family front. My husband and I basically eloped, but because we did it when my hubby's mother, sister and brother were visiting, they were part of the celebration and none of my side of the family was. I honestly thought my family wouldn't care, but it did cause some hurt feelings. We did have a small gathering where my family lives so both sides of the family could have a proper dinner and cake and so on.

 

[azstonie]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Cruise ships.

Norwalk Virus.

White dress!

Bwahaha

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

There was an advice columnist letter today from a woman who didn't want to drive three hours to a wedding, and was wondering if she was "obligated" to attend. The columnist has often said that a wedding invitation is not an arrest warrant or a subpoena, and you can decline without feeling guilty or obligated.