Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Tuffy, I am glad to hear your DH decided that you two would not attend. I see no reason whatsoever to reward her incredible self-centeredness! The very sad thing is that she doesn't respect her own mother enough to compromise on the local dinner for family and close friends who cannot go. They could certainly have a nice dinner for up to 50 people for $5000.

I am also betting they will have very few people attend and will be surprised if they actually get the free trip from bookings. I think people who work won't want to use 2 weeks vacation for it, and I think most people might have another trip they'd rather take for $10k. I am sure there will be more to this story.

 

[kenny]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

It's really sad how much drama weddings appear to be for so many people.
So many conflicting expectations and heightened emotions, rather ... emotions-on-crack.

I went to two weddings when I was a teenager.
That was enough.
I have no desire to ever go to another one, and have no desire to marry.

 

[iLander]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

It's really sad how much drama weddings appear to be for so many people.
So many conflicting expectations and heightened emotions, rather ... emotions-on-crack.

I went to two weddings when I was a teenager.
That was enough.
I have no desire to ever go to another one, and have no desire to marry.

They really are aren't they? I really kind of hate them.

Every wedding I've ever been to, I left feeling insulted in some way or other. I had resentments to the bride, groom, or both. Weddings are really awful. I dread them.

The only one I didn't have an issue with is when my hippie aunt and uncle got married on their front porch in the 1970's. A friend played saxophone, their 8 year old kid was the ring bearer, and they'd already been together for 15+ years. It was about being married not about the wedding or impressing anyone. I think my aunt said it was time because she finally ran across a white dress she liked at a thrift shop. It was great. They're still together, and both over 70 now.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I've been to quite a few weddings and enjoy them, sincerely. A little bit of drama is expected, I feel. It's an emotional event. But most of the weddings I've been to have been lovely affairs with genuinely happy couples and (mostly) supportive (or ignorable) family.


I don't know. Maybe I'm weird. Or maybe I've just been lucky with the weddings I've attended. But when I say there have been a LOT of weddings I'm being sincere. I couldn't even count them all if I tried.

The only time I feel offended is with gift grabs. And I dislike the NY/NJ "cover your plate" expectation and personally refuse to participate in it, except for DH's nieces and nephews (7 of them).

All this includes one wedding where a drunken fist fight broke out (the participants had decided to strip to the waist so there was eye candy), and one where the grooms father stripped on the dance floor (dementia). And one where I knew the couple didn't love each other (family expectation) and I knew they'd be divorced inside of 3 years (they made it 2) but it was a gorgeous wedding with great food.

It's all good. And it's lovely to see people join their lives together. And even with the last wedding I mentioned above, I was still hopeful they'd prove me wrong. There's always something positive you can focus on. I think it's a choice. When I go to weddings I make my mind up to enjoy myself. So I do.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I like weddings, although I haven't been to that many since so many of my friends never married. But I think it's lovely to be invited to share in a couple's special day. I know that many people get divorced, but many don't, and go on to have decades together living and loving each other. I think it's wonderful to be in at the beginning of that.

My favorite moment in a wedding is where you see the bride for the first time. I really love wedding dresses. Is there anything more beautiful and feminine than a gorgeous wedding dress? I'll admit to watching snippets of some royal weddings on YouTube. I thought Duchess Kate's dress was utterly beautiful. That made me look back at Lady Di's wedding, and all these years later I still just cannot believe the length of that train! I mean, I'm all for a stunning wedding dress, but that train was a bit much, like the enormous ring. JMO.

Yeah, I feel more positive than negative about weddings.

 

[kenny]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

It's really sad how much drama weddings appear to be for so many people.
So many conflicting expectations and heightened emotions, rather ... emotions-on-crack.

I went to two weddings when I was a teenager.
That was enough.
I have no desire to ever go to another one, and have no desire to marry.

... forgot to add ...
If you like em, have em, and go to em.
Clearly zillions of people do.
I don't like em, but that's just me.

I just never understand the conflict and complaining part.
Do it and enjoy, or don't and enjoy the film you went to see instead of attending that wedding.
Why do stuff and be miserable?

This is also endemic around the holidays ... people visit family, feeling they have no choice, but are miserable.
Then they come here and bitch about it.

If you don't like something, just don't do it.
Simple.
OR, if you get benefit that outweighs the bad part (like, say, remaining in your rich granny's will) you don't get to bitch about how unpleasant she is to be around.

 

[distracts]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Tuffy, I am glad to hear your DH decided that you two would not attend. I see no reason whatsoever to reward her incredible self-centeredness! The very sad thing is that she doesn't respect her own mother enough to compromise on the local dinner for family and close friends who cannot go. They could certainly have a nice dinner for up to 50 people for $5000.

Or less - our rehearsal dinner (at a restaurant) had around 60 people and our engagement party had 70-something (catered at my parents' house) and both cost a little over $3k.

I've been to quite a few weddings and enjoy them, sincerely. A little bit of drama is expected, I feel. It's an emotional event. But most of the weddings I've been to have been lovely affairs with genuinely happy couples and (mostly) supportive (or ignorable) family.

Same - I really like weddings when I really like the people, and if I don't really like the people I wouldn't expect to be invited, lol. And it's always fun to have so many people you like all gathered together in one place - weddings and funerals seem like the only time that EVERYONE can make it out, and obviously one of those is a much happier event.

I haven't ever seen any drama AT a wedding - only ever been aware of behind-the-scenes drama at the weddings of bffs. And then there hasn't been much, but I don't know very dramatic people and no one lost their head over their wedding. Most of the drama just involved friction between the couple and what they wanted and what the parents who were paying wanted, and in all of them it ended with everyone getting some of what they wanted with no hurt feelings.

 

[kenny]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

... weddings and funerals seem like the only time that EVERYONE can make it out, and obviously one of those is a much happier event.

Which one would that be?

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Most of the non-family weddings I've been to were lovely, even the few that resulted in divorce within a few years. The only wedding that was a little "off" was one that had two distinct themes. Apparently the bride and groom had different visions of their wedding, so half of the tables and wedding party, including the bride, sported a silver-and-lace vintage look while the other half sported a Jetsonsish post-modern look. GIven that and other -uhm - non-traditional aspects of that wedding, I wasn't too surprised to hear about the divorce a few years later.

Each of my brothers' weddings was kind of stressful for me due some combination of planning issues, hurt feelings, and just heightened sensitivities. I suspect a little distance is a good thing where weddings are concerned.

 

[distracts]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

... weddings and funerals seem like the only time that EVERYONE can make it out, and obviously one of those is a much happier event.

Which one would that be?

Generally the weddings, but ngl one of my childhood friends whose parents were abusive recently had one kick it, and that funeral was pretty festive.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Thanks for all your support everyone. It really is helping me stay grounded. I have read all the replies and the support and sympathy are really kind, and there have been many excellent (and funny!) points made. We had brunch wit SIL and her FI yesterday to congratulate them on their engagement (and I got to check out her bling too, and holy moly! 3.9tcw 3 stone MRB in a trellis setting. Center stone is 1.7ct, side stones are 1.1ct each, D color and very sparkly!).

Anyways, brunch turned out to be a bust when the topic of the wedding came up. She said she hoped that we could be there, but understands that it's a lot to ask, so she won't be hurt if we can't make it. She also offered to pay $1200 each (for DH and I) to credit our airfare if we just want to come to Dublin. I think it's really nice that she's trying to accommodate and is understanding of we can't come, but there are so many ill-feelings surrounding this wedding already that it doesn't feel like any situation is going to be ideal. DH is feeling like she doesn't care if he goes or not and she is putting this wedding above her family's well-being.

DH and I celebrated our anniversary yesterday and we were looking through wedding photos and both became quite really sad at the prospect of looking back at SIL's wedding photos and not being a part of it. We really do want to be there for her wedding!! MIL is also having a lot of anxiety relating to this trip. She is not only upset about being stuck on the cruise, but it also becoming anxious at the prospect of taking a 12 hour flight (she has a bad back and bad hip). As much as I want to just say, "SIL is crazy and we will not be a part of it", it's more complicated than that. Ugh. I'm feeling so defeated and I just don't see this working out favorably, and I am so sad about it.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Maybe this is cold of me.

I understand this is difficult for your MIL and that your DH is concerned. And I am sure they appreciate your empathy.

But none of you have any control over the situation. At all. Either she comes to her senses or she doesn't. Either your MIL speaks up to HER, or she doesn't.

I would just put it out of my mind as much as you can, because there is nothing you can do about it.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Maybe this is cold of me.

I understand this is difficult for your MIL and that your DH is concerned. And I am sure they appreciate your empathy.

But none of you have any control over the situation. At all. Either she comes to her senses or she doesn't. Either your MIL speaks up to HER, or she doesn't.

I would just put it out of my mind as much as you can, because there is nothing you can do about it.

I know you're right, but I still can't help but be sad. MIL and DH have both spoken to her and she just says, "this is what I want to do, and I understand if you can't be a part of it"... However, she knows that her mom and youngest brother will show up no matter what--even at the expense of their own comfort.

It just makes me so sad that she is being so selfish and has no consideration for her family. I know that people will argue that the wedding is for the bride and groom and they can do whatever they want, but honestly I think it's totally disrespectful of one's family to put them in this position. She's throwing us all into turmoil--people are upset at her future in-laws, people are upset over the cruise, and stressed over whether to take their entire years worth of vacation time and spend a boatload of money or not be there for her wedding. This just doesn't seem like the right way to start a life together....

You're right, I shouldn't take this personally, but I am having a very difficult time not. I 100% should remove myself from this situation, but it's so hard when DH is so upset and so conflicted. We both really want to be there for her, but she is making it impossible!

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

"this is what I want to do, and I understand if you can't be a part of it"... However, she knows that her mom and youngest brother will show up no matter what--even at the expense of their own comfort.

"I've decided to get married on the moon, and I know you'll be there!"

What is "no matter what"? Hell or high water? Financial ruin?

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

"this is what I want to do, and I understand if you can't be a part of it"... However, she knows that her mom and youngest brother will show up no matter what--even at the expense of their own comfort.

"I've decided to get married on the moon, and I know you'll be there!"

What is "no matter what"? Hell or high water? Financial ruin?

Hahahaha... This is funny but it makes me want to cry at the same time, because, yes--they will be there NO MATTER WHAT.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffy, don't cry. They have made their choice. We can't be responsible for other people, only ourselves, and if that's what they want to do, wish them bon voyage.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffy, don't cry. They have made their choice. We can't be responsible for other people, only ourselves, and if that's what they want to do, wish them bon voyage.

I know it's crazy, but I'm really sad that we won't be there!!! She is my only SIL and I really want to celebrate her!

 

[KaeKae]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Maybe this is cold of me.

I understand this is difficult for your MIL and that your DH is concerned. And I am sure they appreciate your empathy.

But none of you have any control over the situation. At all. Either she comes to her senses or she doesn't. Either your MIL speaks up to HER, or she doesn't.

I would just put it out of my mind as much as you can, because there is nothing you can do about it.

I know you're right, but I still can't help but be sad. MIL and DH have both spoken to her and she just says, "this is what I want to do, and I understand if you can't be a part of it"... However, she knows that her mom and youngest brother will show up no matter what--even at the expense of their own comfort.

It just makes me so sad that she is being so selfish and has no consideration for her family. I know that people will argue that the wedding is for the bride and groom and they can do whatever they want, but honestly I think it's totally disrespectful of one's family to put them in this position. She's throwing us all into turmoil--people are upset at her future in-laws, people are upset over the cruise, and stressed over whether to take their entire years worth of vacation time and spend a boatload of money or not be there for her wedding. This just doesn't seem like the right way to start a life together....

You're right, I shouldn't take this personally, but I am having a very difficult time not. I 100% should remove myself from this situation, but it's so hard when DH is so upset and so conflicted. We both really want to be there for her, but she is making it impossible!

Hard as it is, I think it's the bolded that you have to remember. The bride has set up a situation where it's impossible for everyone in her immediate family to be there. It's not that some one moved far away, and cannot come back (for whatever reason.) It's not that some one is deployed to parts unknown and cannot return home at a given time. It's that she has chosen a place and situation that simply is too far, too long, and too expensive for her family to attend. She's also placing her future in laws' preference (and financial incentive) above all others', which is setting them up for being the recipients of hard feelings for years to come.

AND, she chooses to not find a way to compromise, with a local ceremony/party before or after the big trip, which could possibly heal a lot of the wounds her current choice has caused.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

... weddings and funerals seem like the only time that EVERYONE can make it out, and obviously one of those is a much happier event.

Which one would that be?

Generally the weddings, but ngl one of my childhood friends whose parents were abusive recently had one kick it, and that funeral was pretty festive.

Maybe b/c he/she inherited a lot of $$$...