Should I stand up in her wedding?

[angelina]

Well Girls... I need advice as to what to do.

I have been ''Marie''s'' friend for the past eight years. We have went through hell and high water together. We started dating our current bf''s two years ago. She got engaged back in December, and has planned a wedding in Spring of ''06.

In the past two years I have seen Marie 5 times. She can never just come over, go out for coffee, or meet up for dinner. She is attached to her fiance at the hip. I had emergency surgery in the spring, and she did stop by to see me- but her fiance must have called eight times to see when she was coming home.
She can never come out with the ''girls''- even if its just for dinner. To put it simply- they cannot partake in anything unless they are together.

Here''s the problem- I cannot control who she marries- if she is happy, then it is her life. But I can control whether I stand up in this wedding.

I was involved in NONE of the planning- neither were her other bridesmaids. I simply do not feel close to her anymore. I have no interest in standing up in this wedding, and I feel horrible for it. She was my best friend for six years, and now she has dissapeared off the face of the earth.

I have already picked up my bridesmaid dress, but at this point I do not feel bad being out of $175.

Am I being completely out of line? What do I do?

 

[MelissaSue]

If you already have the dress and everything.. just go ahead and be in the wedding. If she asked to be in her wedding, then you are important to her. If you say you aren''t being in the wedding, you''re basically saying that YOU are the one cutting the ties of the friendship. If the wedding is almost a year away still, why not try to GET involved with the wedding planning. Perhaps the two of you could spend time together doing that. Is it really that much to ask of you to spend one day as a bridesmaid?

I don''t know. When my best friend first started dating her now husband, I was insanely jealous. We used to go out every friday night together and when she started spending fridays with her b/f .. I probably spent a summer worth of fridays crying my eyes out.. but then when my fiance and I started dating, and we were long distance for awhile.. so we only saw each other on weekends, I began to understand how it felt. My best friend and I don''t see each other very often at all anymore.. and we''re probably not as close as we once were, but I still know that she is there for me when I need her, and she knows that the same is true for me.

 

[Blue824]

Ugh, I was pretty much involved in teh EXACT situation around this time last year for a Nov. wedding. I really wish I hadnt been a bridesmaid, mostly because I felt like I was spending so much money on someone I didnt even care about at that point. We had grown apart, mostly because even though she moved to my hometown, she could never find the time and always canceled her plans with me. There''s only so much one can deal with until you really resent the person. I mean, she was great, I loved her as a friend, but I sincerely disliked her fiance. Happy, supportive, but the whole ignoring the friendship was the last straw.

I dont really know what I''d do. I hope to never be in the situation again! I will really think twice when I''m asked from now on. The question is, if thats what you want to do, how do you go about doing it? My mom was asked to be a bridesmaid once (when she was younger) and she said no, but I feel like that''s different than backing out after you''re already invested & committed to the event. Its a tough situation. I''m sorry I''m no help! Guess I was just responding to empathize!

 

[IrishEyes]

I think if you already have the dress than you need to go ahead and stand up in the wedding. However after that I would just let things go. Most likely you two will drift apart further anyway, as her new thing will be spending time with her husband, looking for a home, planning for kids, etc. and she won''t "have time"

This same thing pretty much happened to me. When I was in high school, my best friend always talked about how I would stand up in her wedding, how she wanted me to be her MOH but that was going to have to be her sister, so I would be a bridesmaid. Well, shortly after HS she met her fiance. I almost had to file a missing persons report on her - I never saw her! She was always with him, couldn''t meet any of us girls for a minute. Months come and go and I didn''t hear a word from her. I had no idea on what was happening with the wedding, and I was too ticked off to be the one to call her. Finally one day, I get an invitation in the mail to her wedding! Turns out she planned the whole thing without even thinking of me or putting me in it! I thought about not going, but at this point I was just curious to see how the whole thing was going to turn out, so I went. I get there and realized just how distant we had become: she put me at the "reject" table!!

I was at the table like you see in the movie "The Wedding Singer", where everyone is nerdy or obsessive-compulsive or something!! I ended up leaving right after dinner!!

anyway, she has two kids now and actually lives right around the corner from my MIL. I rarely hear from her or see her, although the past year she has been inviting to some things, but we are in different places in our lives right now.

So I would go ahead and do the wedding if you''ve already committed to it, but see where it goes after that. I know it is so painful to watch someone you used to care about so much treat you like you don''t matter anymore. A woman who can''t figure out how to balance spending time with her boyfriend/husband and seeing her girlfriends is not a woman I would wait around for or try to maintain a friendship with, but that''s my opinion. I have lost several girlfriends to marriage and babies - when I wasn''t married it was "oh, marriage is such hard work, I need time to be with my husband, you''ll understand when you get married" and now that I''m married it''s "oh, you just don''t understand how hard motherhood is!! I don''t have time to eat much less see you! You''ll understand when you have kids"

Whatever. What I understand is that you just lost a valuable friendship with me. Ditch these kinds of girls, IMO. You''ll be better off without them in the long run!

 

[nytemist]

Angelina, I feel for you.

Unfortunately, I think every woman here has probably gone through this. I would say that since you are already financially invested (having the dress) to just go ahead and stand up. I mean, try to get yourself involved with the usual BM stuff, but keep in the back of your mind that the friendship may be cooling off.
I had a friend (maybe I still have) that I have known since eighth grade. We met on the swim team and became fast friends. Through all the high school drama, college drama and venturing into the grown-up world, we always had each others'' back. Then the trend started. When she would date someone, everything else fell by the wayside and she didn''t really hang out with people unless her SO could come. Ane there were a couple of people she dated that her friends couldn''t stand so we would never see her. She would figure it out after breaking up and apologize for vanishing. She started seeing a great guy- who I adore- but it became she only went out and did stuff with him, her family or his family. She only hung with us if he could come too. I didn''t mind to much since I like him. This continued and I knew that this would be her new personality. They got engaged and married in 2003. She asked me to be a BM and I was happy to do it, but I knew it would be the last time I saw her socially. And I was pretty much right. Each time I would call or email to say hi or hang out, I would hear "Oh, I''m so busy with family stuff and since I''m a new wife I want to spend some more time with other married couples, blah, blah, blah..." I''m not in the club, so I don''t see her. I''ve physically seen her about 4 times since her wedding in late 2003. The calls/emails have been months apart. When I sent an email to close friends about the death in my family, THEN she calls me in tears saying how sorry she was and that she felt guilty for not staying in touch. This was May. We''ve talked ONCE since then. I sent one email to see if this was salvagable and I got the whole "I don''t have time now, maybe we can talk soon.''
I''m sorry to say, it does depend on how much she values her friends. Maybe you can sit her down and lay it all out to her. An actual talk with no distractions could go a long way to see if she really wants to be friends anymore. I understand that there is an adjustment period after getting married, but not to the point of excluding the people who supported you for years.

I saw an article about mistakes that newly married couples make and one was thinking your friends ''just don''t understand about life'' since they aren''t married. It was fitting and I wanted to send it to her, but it was kind of mean so I resisted.

 

[IrishEyes]

nytemist, you are so right! I myself have been married for 2 and a half years, and I tried so hard to make sure I am not doing that to my friends! I had it done to myself so many times before I was married by other girls, I swore that when I got married I wouldn''t do it. I did lose one friend this year, but that was her choice as she has a son now and is too busy for me apparently. But my husband and I have a committment to each other and to our friends. About twice a month ( I live far away from most of my pals now), I tell him that I want to go up and see the girls. Usually he doesn''t mind, and I will call my friends and plan a time to get together. I don''t know how women spend all their time only with their husbands and his friends!! I love my hubby, but there are times I just need to get away and have a good old girl pow-wow!! And his friends drive me nuts, I couldn''t possibly hang with them all the time!

 

[angelina]

Thank you all for the replies.
I guess I feel that since she''s not making much of an effort during the engagement, it will only get worse after the wedding.
Her and her fiance planned the entire wedding themselves- they even shopped for the bridesmaid dresses together!

I just don''t feel emotionally invested in this friendship or this wedding.
I anticipate getting engaged in the near future, and I honestly wouldn''t ask her to stand up in my wedding.
That''s how emotionally detached I am from her....

I''m contemplating writing her a letter, expressing my frustration- but without being nasty.

What do you guys think?

 

[lilyinct]

I was in a similar situation a few years ago (a college roommate of mine who I had seen once in the 3 years after graduating asked me to be in her wedding).

I SO did not want to be in it, but did so- and I totally regret not taking her aside first and asking her to find another friend to take my place. During the entire "event" --bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and then wedding- I resented being there and knew it was such a waste of time, I would probably never see her again.

We email occasionally, but that is the extent of our relationship.

My advice is to bite the bullet and talk to her- if you don''t feel comfortable telling her the whole truth, make up a little white lie like you''re extremely busy, or can''t make the rehearsal dinner, etc.

Good luck! She might hate you for a while, but at least when she looks back at her wedding day, it won''t be filled with memories of a bridesmaid who didn''t want to be there.

 

[nytemist]

I think writing a letter is a good idea, as long as she doen''t feel like she''s being attacked or accused of something. But expressing how you feel and doing it well will give you a sense of relief since the words will pour out of you. If there is no response (or a bad one) from her, you can have some sense of closure knowing that you were able to get your opinion/feelings across to her.

 

[onedrop]

I think writing her a letter is a great idea. This avoids the blame-game that is sure to happen when you try to explain why you do not want to stand up for her.

My question is this: if she and her fiance have planned the wedding without including the bridal party on any of the decisions or without attempting to involve the bridal party in the big day, why have a bridal party at all? Are you just there for window dressing? It seems to me (and I have never planned a wedding before) that those who you choose to be in your bridal party are for the most part, those close friends and family that have been there for you not only during the wedding but also in life. I know that probably came out sounding really polyanna-like but I would want people standing up for me that I knew wanted to be there, not just because you are "supposed" to have bridesmaids. (I apologize for the rant!)

Best of luck in your decision on this issue, it's a prickly one.

 

[angelina]

That''s exactly how I feel- I did nothing for this wedding...
I''m there for looks, and nothing more.
Sort of ridiculous.

I just know that when my day comes I will need my friends there with me to plan the big day.
I also know that when that time comes she will likely not be able to be there due to her new married life.
.... Or her fiance will have to come with us.
(That was mean of me, but its the truth!)

I''m going to attempt to draft this letter out tonight.
I cannot bare to have to talk to her before then.... and she''s about due to call me..
It seems I get a phone call once every two weeks to see if I''m breathing!

Ugh, enough venting!

 

[nytemist]

Be strong... it will feel like the hardest thing you ever do since this is someone you onced cared deeply for. It''s sad when some people develop that ''island'' mentality, there being no room for others to be in thier lives. Heck, I have friends from grade school who are married that don''t even live in the state anymore and I talk to them at least once a month. A couple not in the country!

 

[Croí]

This thread makes me a bit sad.

I had the total opposite happen to me. I was dumped by my best girlfriend because I found love and was happy - even though I wanted to share it with her, she wanted no part of it.

As you all know (or anyone who has read my litanies on here !) before my wonderful hubby, I had a long-term (eleven year) relationship and walking away from it, and admitting to myself I should have done so LONG before I did was definitely one of the toughest things I have ever been through. I was honestly a mess. What was also tough was that we had moved to the U.S. together so all my friends were "our" firiends as it were. My best girlfriend was a girl from Cork, living here and we were in each other''s lives to a huge degree - lived only ten minutes drive from one another, were over and back and doing stuff all the time. She was supportive of my move to leave my ex but after I had done it she really changed. I did not have an easy time of it after the break-up and she began to spend less time with me but still invited my ex to everything because he "hadn''t changed".

When I met my now-hubby I was so amazed to find I was happy and smiling, laughing and excited by life again. It was a WONDERFUL feeling to feel that way and I was excited to share it all with her but her friendship with my ex made me feel odd and uncertain about where we stood. I tried talking to her about it but she refused to discuss it.
Even so, I really thought she''d be happy for me but instead she seemed resentful. Now I look back and see that when I was with my ex I might as well as have been single but when I was with P. we were really together and if we were out together, he did want to be around me as opposed to my ex who would hang around with his friends, leaving me to my own devices - which, when she was out too, meant I''d spend the whole night with her. (She is in her mid-to-late thirties and single - and in the eight years we were friends she had no relationship that developed past lust and sex - but I always felt she would find the ''right guy'' when it was the ''right time'' for her).

I really wanted to spend time with her - girl time, silly girl time, telling her of my new guy and being giddy and excited. No go. I really refused to see the extent of her feelings, really refused to acknowledge how often she broke plans with me or left me hanging. I made excuses for her, telling myself she just felt awkward because I had someone now and my ex was still single and she felt sorry for him.
Last summer the ex went home to Ireland for three weeks and I thought it would be the perfect time for us to reconnect because there would be no conflict for her. I tried to organise to meet up but it was always something ''working late'', '' a deadline'', ''other plans''.
When my ex got back to town she went out with him twice in one weekend, on Friday night and Saturday night - and even though it was a ''group'' thing, my now-hubby and I were not invited. Finally, the blow came (and even though I should have seen it from a mile away I just didn''t, just couldn''t I guess) - we were to go to her brother''s 40th birthday party when I got an e-mail from her saying that having us around was ''too stressful'' and it would be better if we didn''t come.

I haven''t heard from her or seen her or anything since then. Eight years of friendship ended in an e-mail. She and my ex are ''best pals'' now and do everything together that he and I used to do (I don''t know if they are lovers or not). I tried to talk to her, contact her but she ignored me. I can honestly say what she did gutted me even more than breaking up with my ex - because to me girl-friendships are sacred (probably comes from being in an all-girl family) and I just could not believe she was cutting me from her life simply because I had left a situtation in which I was desparately unhappy and found one where I am deliriously happy. Isn''t your best pal supposed to be happy for your happiness ???

Two weeks ago was the year anniversary of the e-mail. I mailed her but heard nothing back.
I sent her a birthday card last year ........ but never heard from her for mine.

I guess my point is that for all of you who feel that you have been dumped by a girlfriend who left you on the sidelines once she found her hubby, it can happen the other way round too.

C

 

[angelina]

Croi,
That''s exactly how I feel...
She''s always too busy, things come up, or she just plain old can''t make it.
I''m tired of it...
I''ve struggled with this letter to her all day!
I can''t decide if its better for me to call....

 

[goldengirl]

I chose not to stand in a wedding for a girlfriend because I was deeply disturbed about her decision to marry him. While I cannot make her choices for her, I felt I could choose for myself if I could support their marriage--and I felt that if I was not supportive of their marriage, it was dishonest and "wrong" to stand next to them while they married. Of course, they married anyway, and I am no longer friends with this girl.

I agree with Croi that our girlfriends can hurt us far more than our boyfriends ever can. I am long "over" my issues with my ex, but still hurt, angry, and bitter about this fiasco that happened with my girlfriend.

If she is truly no longer your friend, step down. If you''re prepared to lose the friendship, it''s your decision to make.