Shared custody of a newborn

[selflove]

Thought I''d see if anyone here had some insight on this topic...

My best friend got pregnant last January, 2005. Her husband had been having an affair and decided to leave her for the other woman (he went to live with the other woman). He adamantly did not want the baby but my friend wanted it, knowing she''d be raising it as a single mom. Baby was born in October and now soon-to-be-ex-husband wants shared custody of the newborn. To make a very long story short, she''s afraid to fight him too much b/c she''s afraid a judge will grant shared custody of the baby. She''s been extremely accommodating...driving half the 20 mile distance to meet him for pick-up/drop-off of the baby when he has scheduled visitation. We all keep telling her to stop being so accommodating to him but she thinks that if she plays nice now, that she''ll be able to negotiate with him less than shared custody. (His motivation for this is assumed to be reducing his child-support payments.) She has been saying that she''d play hard ball with him if she knew that a judge would deny shared custody and overnight visits.

Anybody have any experiences they can share about this? It just doesn''t seem like a judge would view it to be in the best interest of the BABY to have overnight visits or shared custody. Plus, she''s breast-feeding but baby is also taking a bottle now. This is in the state of Wisconsin. She''s a social worker and a lot of her colleagues have said that you never know what a judge is going to decide so from them she''s gotten little hope.

Thanks! I know this is a painful topic...

 

[Caribou]

I didn''t but a friend/co-worker of mine did. His wife (whom I also worked with) was desparate to have a baby. He had a child from his first marriage that has a handicap so he was concerned about having another child with the same handicap. Also, when they started trying to get pregnant the relationship started to deteriorate. She got pregnant, ended up having a miscarriage and made some nasty remarks to him after (if I never get pregnant I''m going to hate for the rest of my life) which affected him a great deal. She finally got pregnant and he was not very happy about it. Not that he didn''t want to the baby but the relationship was slowly going downhill which she was ignoring. Long story short, about a month after the baby was born, she, not wanting too, moved out with the baby. I felt bad for her because she really loved him but just didn''t listen to him when he kept telling her things weren''t working (she admits this now).

She has full custody right now, although I think eventually it will become joint custody. It was bad for awhile, she kept throwing it in his face that he didn''t want to have the baby why should he want her now. It wasn''t that he didn''t want the baby, he just didn''t want a baby at that time, wanted to work on things.

They go to therapy together now and they are getting along a lot better but it''s all really sad.

Oh and I in no way know the full extent of what went on in the relationship. They both are at fault for the it''s downfall, so I''m not putting all blame on her.. just telling what I''ve been told by him.

 

[movie zombie]

if she hasn''t seen an attorney, then she should. relying only on the word of friends and co-workers is not a good idea in something as important as this. her actions thus far could be construed to mean that she is open to joint custody.

movie zombie

 

[Caribou]

I just wanted to add that they both need to put what''s in the best interest of the baby first. If he truly doesn''t want the baby then he needs to back down. However, she also needs to not let her anger cloud the situation. Has he actually verbalized that he didn''t want to have the baby, even after the baby was born? Or could it be that he wasn''t exactly thrilled when he found out she was pregnant?? Even women sometimes are not happy when they find out they are pregnant and may say things that make people think they don''t want the baby...but when the baby is born it''s a whole new ball game.

With my friends situation, his EX was so bitter and sad about the divorce that it clouded her judgement and every decision that she made was made for her not for their baby. She kept claiming that he didn''t want the baby...but that wasn''t true, she just didn''t want him to have her so she twisted something that he said.

The baby''s needs should come first, in a situation like this.

 

[pebbles]

Date: 2/9/2006 4:02:38 PM
Author: movie zombie
if she hasn''t seen an attorney, then she should. relying only on the word of friends and co-workers is not a good idea in something as important as this. her actions thus far could be construed to mean that she is open to joint custody.

movie zombie

I couldn''t agree more -- every situation is different and every judge will act differently too. She needs to get an experienced family attorney to find out exactly what her and her husband''s rights are. If they are not legally divorced nor legally separated then that throws a monkeywrench in things as well.

 

[Mara]

I would think that the judge would take into account the fact that the child is a BABY which takes more care than a toddler or a child, but I would agree she needs to ask a lawyer and get professional help. The judge may grant her full custody ''until'' a set date or the child''s age etc and then it may be joint. It seems like most of the states err on the case of the Mother but if he makes a good case for wanting shared, I don''t know that they''d deny him (unless he could be proven to be a horrible father). Custody always seems so hit or miss though. Definitely have her seek legal help but not do anything that could be construed as too ''eager'' or too ''reluctant'' to have him be a part of the baby''s life that could be used against her later.

 

[AndyRosse]

Definitely get a family attorney. Custody of the child will be finalized in a divorce or legal separation, but motions before the divorce is finalized can be made about visitation, child support, etc. And if they had the child during the marriage (which it sounds like), technically they both have the same exact rights to that child right now without any court orders to the contrary.

 

[selflove]

Oh, of course she has an attorney. But he won''t tell her one way or another his opinion on what he thinks will happen. Maybe he is setting her expectations low in the event that the judge decides for joint. They are legally separated and have court-ordered visitation which he tries to modify on a weekly basis to suit his schedule (regardless of the needs of the baby).

The trends in family law in that state are to attempt equal time with each parent but that''s in the case of children, not necessarily babies. This is the second attorney with whom she''s consulted and neither would give her a clear cut answer about how the court will rule with an infant.

Caribou--The pregnancy was unplanned, things were not good in the relationship at the time she conceived (obviously). The soon-to-be-ex had several discussions with her in the first trimester about having an abortion. Once the baby was born he never indicated verbally that he didn''t want it, but like, he never came to see it in the hospital, only came to her house to visit the baby twice by the time it was 2 months old. She was still only breast-feeding (not on a bottle) and he didn''t understand why he couldn''t take her for an hour or two--he''d say things like "why don''t you have her on a schedule yet? why isn''t she on a bottle yet?" Such an idiot, like you could just program a baby at 1 month old to obey commands. Sorry, off on a rant there...totally an aside and not anything that bear on the legal aspect of the situation.

 

[movie zombie]

a good attorney does not know how the judge will rule. a good attorney will lay out options so that she will know what she can expect. no one can guarantee her the outcome.

until she moves forward, she won''t know. given the dad keeps changing schedules, etc., i would think she''d want this done with even if it means shared custody. at least she will have a court order that will spell out the schedule and protect her rights.

if she has concerns about the baby''s needs not being met for whatever reason, they i don''t know why she hasn''t taken action already.

movie zombie

 

[MrsFrk]

I am in Family Court (in CA) frequently for my volunteer work.
From what I have seen, judges almost always acknowledge that newborns need their moms.
I also have to agree with the previous post-by being accomodating, she is setting a precedent.
The judge is going to ask her why the heck she has changed her mind, if she''s been fine with sharing custody up until now, and in fact going out of her way to allow the father to visit with the baby.
Why did she think it important before, but not now?
A good attorney is not going to give her a black and white answer. She needs to decide what SHE thinks is right for the child, and then fight like hell for it.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Moving across the country would be a good idea, too. (I have seen the hell a friend''s child has gone through in this situation).

 

[Momoftwo]

The problem with up and moving across the country is it can be used against her in a custody fight. Her best bet is to get a lawyer and send him a custody agreement the way she wants it and negotiate from there. A judge (in most places) will not get involved until the divorce and custody are settled between the two unless they cannot reach an agreement on their own. If he''s making an effort and seeing the child, sole custody isn''t likely because what he said or did before the birth won''t have any bearing because he''s making the attempt to spend time with the child. We don''t know both sides of the story and that''s the problem with giving advice or taking sides in any breakup. There are always two sides and I''m a strong believer in the fact that both parents have rights and aside from abuse or neglect both have the right to raise their child. All she''s currently doing is setting a precedence that she has no problem with him being with his child. But, that said, fighting is in no one''s best interest, most of all the child.

 

[eks6426]

Is she nursing the baby? That can make a big difference because the baby can''t be away from her for more than a few hours without needing to be fed. She might be able to stop any overnight visits at least for the first year by only nursing...no bottles.

What sort of joint custody is he seeking...every other weekend or truly 1/2 time?

In my state, Indiana, the every other weekend and one evening a week plan does not reduce the amount of child support owed. She might want to check into those laws.

It also sounds like your friend is being way to accomodating. For the good or the bad of it, she will be dealing with this guy for the rest of her life in some form or another...he is her child''s father. By doing ALL the driving and bending over backwards to not make him mad she is setting herself up for a lifetime of being walked on by him. He needs to meet her half-way.

That being said, if he truly does want to spend time with his child..that''s great. Many children grow up hardly ever seeing their dad''s.

If her current lawyer won''t give her an opinion, she should seek counsel from a different lawyer. It never hurts to get a 2nd or 3rd opinion.

 

[fire&ice]

Is he paying child support? I would think this should be an issue on the forefront along w/ custody issues.

 

[cnspotts]

Date: 2/9/2006 10:22:52 PM
Author: MrsFrk
I am in Family Court (in CA) frequently for my volunteer work.
From what I have seen, judges almost always acknowledge that newborns need their moms.
I also have to agree with the previous post-by being accomodating, she is setting a precedent.
The judge is going to ask her why the heck she has changed her mind, if she''s been fine with sharing custody up until now, and in fact going out of her way to allow the father to visit with the baby.
Why did she think it important before, but not now?
A good attorney is not going to give her a black and white answer. She needs to decide what SHE thinks is right for the child, and then fight like hell for it.

From my experience you are absolutely correct here! She should not being going out of her way to do something that she does not really want to be doing. It''s not helpful at all to her by being "kind" or "accomodating". Have a plan and stick to it and a good attorney as well.