- Joined
- Apr 5, 2010
- Messages
- 40
i am so confused about what this means and how i should feel! Today is our 2 year anniversary and we''ve been talking marriage for a long time. . .but nothing really concrete. . he brings it up or make reference to it more than I do. . .we have discussed detail so much (of jsut the actual wedding) that I think he could secretly plan our wedding all on his own and i''d still have exactly what I wanted. Yes!That much. .. . so I need help understand what he is saying to me. . .
We decided that on the upcoming trip we would discuss our future. We are leaving Thursday .. but somehow lastnight we ended up in the discussion, on the phone. . =( not at all what I envisioned!!! Anyway. . .
Anyway, this past Sunday was fabulous! We spent the whole day together. . . . . church, we cooked together for his gram after church, went to the movies and then to communion that night and then he spent the night over (no we did''t do anything
lol i noticed that he brought up marriage, weddings and he future alot. Especially when we were with his gram and mom. and i was wondering if he was doing it cause he was sensing that i was antsy or. . . .he just brought it up cause that''s what was on his mind, ya know?
I didn''t say a whole lot just listened and observed.
Lastnight tho he asked me how much money i was making annually (he never ever had before) and i asked him he same question and then he said ok that means we make 107,000 together and i was like uh ok. . . and he started talking about getting a raise. . . and he asked how much did i think was good to spend on a wedding and i was like id on''t know. . he average for cali is about 35k and he was quiet. then i said but that''s this year. . every year that amount goes up. . .last year the average was 30k and i said shoot we coulda been done this and said that 5 g''s but you wanna have a sista on the 3-5 year plan. . .lol and he was like kay you are acting like 2 years is a long time! do you think it is. . and i said if we were 25 or 26 no it wouldn''t be. . but when you take into consideration our ages, the fact that we have agreed that we want a child together i think that changes. we are older, old enough to decide relatively quickly what we want and don''t want. period. so yes 2 years is a long time for us to be in a relationship and still be unsettled about what we are doing and where we are going. and he said we are not unsettled k, i want to marry you, i want a child with you - i want a life with you, I know you want a proposal and the rings needs to accompany that - I want to give you what you want. I don''t want any disappointment around my proposal, your ring on your part or mine. And i said well i hear you saying you want to marry me.. . .you''ve been saying that but theres nothing behind it.. no action. No step towards a future life together and he said where is the trust, where is the faith in the man you claim you love? etc etc. . .and he said i want you to be completely surprised, i won''t compromise on that k and i said i am not trying to ruin any surprise but I want to know his intentions, if he has a timeframe. ..etc etc and he asked why?!!!
I said that''s what people do.. .in the beginning we discussed our intentions (to be exclusive and possibly pursue a future) and I said we''ve moved passed that .. .and are on a different level.. .discussing intenions is to make sure we are still on the same page and he said we wil not make it to year 3 without being engaged. which is not what i wanted to hear so i was quiet and i said your time frame was 3 years? and he got upset (but tried to hide it) - this is not how I envision this conversation going. . .i wanted it to be a discussion. .. logisics, hopes, dreams. . .desires. . instead i felt like i was put in a position to have to justify why i want what i want - made me feel very antsy and uncomfortable. Anywho. . .he asked what mine was and i said 2 and a half and he said is that non-negotiable? I said we are talking about sharing our lives J. .. of course it is. . but i need you to know that 3 years is not acceptable to me. he got quiet and said i am not going to tell you a month when i will propose k.. .THAT is unacceptable to me.
i left it at. . i don''t need to know what month. . and just need him to know what is an isn''t acceptable to me. . .if you don''t want any disappointments around your proposal you might want to consider that. we got off the phone at this point.
Why would a discussion about the future be a secret? . .there is more occuring in the future than a proposal and a wedding....
i need to turn this around on this trip. . .i know i need to change my attitude cause i obviously got defensive .. =(
How can i move past this and turn it into something positive? Geez. . . there are more important things to discuss. . than a wedding. . . (i.e finances, where to live, kids, etc)???
HELP!!!
We decided that on the upcoming trip we would discuss our future. We are leaving Thursday .. but somehow lastnight we ended up in the discussion, on the phone. . =( not at all what I envisioned!!! Anyway. . .
Anyway, this past Sunday was fabulous! We spent the whole day together. . . . . church, we cooked together for his gram after church, went to the movies and then to communion that night and then he spent the night over (no we did''t do anything
lol i noticed that he brought up marriage, weddings and he future alot. Especially when we were with his gram and mom. and i was wondering if he was doing it cause he was sensing that i was antsy or. . . .he just brought it up cause that''s what was on his mind, ya know?I didn''t say a whole lot just listened and observed.
Lastnight tho he asked me how much money i was making annually (he never ever had before) and i asked him he same question and then he said ok that means we make 107,000 together and i was like uh ok. . . and he started talking about getting a raise. . . and he asked how much did i think was good to spend on a wedding and i was like id on''t know. . he average for cali is about 35k and he was quiet. then i said but that''s this year. . every year that amount goes up. . .last year the average was 30k and i said shoot we coulda been done this and said that 5 g''s but you wanna have a sista on the 3-5 year plan. . .lol and he was like kay you are acting like 2 years is a long time! do you think it is. . and i said if we were 25 or 26 no it wouldn''t be. . but when you take into consideration our ages, the fact that we have agreed that we want a child together i think that changes. we are older, old enough to decide relatively quickly what we want and don''t want. period. so yes 2 years is a long time for us to be in a relationship and still be unsettled about what we are doing and where we are going. and he said we are not unsettled k, i want to marry you, i want a child with you - i want a life with you, I know you want a proposal and the rings needs to accompany that - I want to give you what you want. I don''t want any disappointment around my proposal, your ring on your part or mine. And i said well i hear you saying you want to marry me.. . .you''ve been saying that but theres nothing behind it.. no action. No step towards a future life together and he said where is the trust, where is the faith in the man you claim you love? etc etc. . .and he said i want you to be completely surprised, i won''t compromise on that k and i said i am not trying to ruin any surprise but I want to know his intentions, if he has a timeframe. ..etc etc and he asked why?!!!
I said that''s what people do.. .in the beginning we discussed our intentions (to be exclusive and possibly pursue a future) and I said we''ve moved passed that .. .and are on a different level.. .discussing intenions is to make sure we are still on the same page and he said we wil not make it to year 3 without being engaged. which is not what i wanted to hear so i was quiet and i said your time frame was 3 years? and he got upset (but tried to hide it) - this is not how I envision this conversation going. . .i wanted it to be a discussion. .. logisics, hopes, dreams. . .desires. . instead i felt like i was put in a position to have to justify why i want what i want - made me feel very antsy and uncomfortable. Anywho. . .he asked what mine was and i said 2 and a half and he said is that non-negotiable? I said we are talking about sharing our lives J. .. of course it is. . but i need you to know that 3 years is not acceptable to me. he got quiet and said i am not going to tell you a month when i will propose k.. .THAT is unacceptable to me.
i left it at. . i don''t need to know what month. . and just need him to know what is an isn''t acceptable to me. . .if you don''t want any disappointments around your proposal you might want to consider that. we got off the phone at this point.
Why would a discussion about the future be a secret? . .there is more occuring in the future than a proposal and a wedding....
i need to turn this around on this trip. . .i know i need to change my attitude cause i obviously got defensive .. =(
How can i move past this and turn it into something positive? Geez. . . there are more important things to discuss. . than a wedding. . . (i.e finances, where to live, kids, etc)???
HELP!!!
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