Seriously? In some states rapists have parental rights?

[House Cat]

House Cat, Please, please don't beat yourself up about what you could of or should have done. No matter what you did or didn't do, you survived, That is the MOST important thing. Every person I have ever talked to has wished they would have done something different. I'm so grateful you are here and so grateful for all the love and support you always offer others. You truly are a gift Sweetheart!

Callie, You have been so incredibly kind to me. Your support has honestly helped me and touched my heart. Thank you.

 

[redwood66]

I don't think anyone minimized the strength someone might gain from therapy or sharing here. I did not read that into Shondra's post. Hopefully she will come back but I would not blame her if she didn't.

Shondra said, "Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion."

That's pretty judgement in my book.

Is she had said, "Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing with the world and coming together in groups to discuss them, in my personal experience has not helped. I do not think the value of therapy is universal."

For example, that would have been fine. But she didn't say that.


Tomayto, tamahto.

Is it really a surprise redwood, after all this time, that we can read the same exact thing and interpret it so differently?

No it really is not a surprise. But we soldier on here anyway.

My interpretation came from the part where she prefaced by saying - "I have learnt in life" - which, to me, puts in in the category you described above.

 

[redwood66]

It also seems very antiquated, to silence victims. Why, do you think it is shameful? Do you think discussions about what people have endured will cause more assaults? Does it make you uncomfortable? Would you say the same to someone else who has endured a tragic or traumatic event, such as a death of a child? Or is this special cloak of silence only meant for sexual assault victims?

The only victim I see being silenced, berated or argued with is me at this point, by you. Who said anything about something being shameful? The others here know full well my story and I have no idea what you are talking about. To point out that others do not deal with trauma in the same way is not silencing anyone. I am trying very hard with you but you insist on confrontation any time someone has a different opinion that you do not agree with.

 

[LLJsmom]

It also seems very antiquated, to silence victims. Why, do you think it is shameful? Do you think discussions about what people have endured will cause more assaults? Does it make you uncomfortable? Would you say the same to someone else who has endured a tragic or traumatic event, such as a death of a child? Or is this special cloak of silence only meant for sexual assault victims?

The only victim I see being silenced, berated or argued with is me at this point, by you. Who said anything about something being shameful? The others here know full well my story and I have no idea what you are talking about. To point out that others do not deal with trauma in the same way is not silencing anyone. I am trying very hard with you but you insist on confrontation any time someone has a different opinion that you do not agree with.

Redwood, I just wanna say it's ok. Sometimes when you have explained your position and interpretation and why, and people insist on refusing to understand, just let it go. I understand both your POVs. And there is reason for both. I don't think you should let it bug you anymore.

I have a very good friend who was a victim but has not dwelt on her abuse. She did deal with it at one point in her life and has since moved on. I can't pretend to know how she feels and what she experiences in. Her private moments but she freely admits that she doesn't mull or think about it much. It is how she has coped with this and many other challenges in her life. I love, respect and admire her greatly. She is one of the BEST people I have ever met and pretty much in the top 3 moms I know. This is not to say that she may not deal with it again in the future because who knows what life will bring. However she is productive and functional now and I am so happy for her and I will always be there for her and never judge her.

I understand your point of not wanting Shondra to feel piled-up on. I would say don't worry about that. Posters will learn that many PSers are very experienced, educated and hold firm and strong views. It feels to me part of the culture here, and it's all good. Everybody develops a tougher skin and learns how to communicate with more sensitivity and specificity. I have definitely learned to pick my battles. In the end people are generally very sincere and well meaning. I do believe we all appreciate each other for that. Hugs to you redwood. Hope you are having a wonderful holiday weekend.

 

[Calliecake]

I'm sorry if others don't agree with this but you can talk about what has happened and it doesn't mean that you have not moved on and healed. At a certain point in your life your realize that your life circumstances have made you who you are, all if it, the good and the bad. People live and enjoy their life and I think it's normal to think about you past during your life. If you have experienced painful things in your life that others have experienced and you can help them by talking, why on earth would that be a bad thing or why would it mean you haven't moved forward. When something shakes you to your core, whether that is an illness, losing a loved one or any other experience that has caused you great pain and you can help someone else dealing with something similar, how is this a bad thing? I'm sorry but I seriously doubt anyone who has experienced something that falls into these categories does not think about it. To assume a person can put something out of their mind and not think about it again just seems unrealistic. It's all there whether you talk about it or not. Talking about something in no way means you haven't dealt with it or are not dealing with something.

House Cat, Thank you for your kind words. I feel the same way about you. I want to help you anyway I can. A police officer helped me get over the "I should have done things differently" feelings. About 6 or 8 months after I was attacked I received a call from the detective who was working on my case. There had been another young woman who had gone thru the same thing that weekend. There were many similarities in the two cases to where the detective thought we had the same attacker. I fought in the beginning of the attack but quickly realized it made him much more violent, so I quit fighting and tried to do what I could to just stay alive. I felt guilty for months because friends and people who knew me made comments like I should have fought harder. This other young woman fought very hard and almost lost her life as a result. She need to be hospitalized for weeks and they felt she would be sent to another hospital to deal with mental health when her physical injuries healed enough for her to leave the hospital. The detective knew I felt guilty for not fighting more. He must have told me 10 times during the phone call that I did everything right. He said "You survived. You did everything right" . I knew he was trying to help me put all the could've and should've to rest and I was able to after the phone call. I guess what I am trying to say to you is there is no way to know how things would have turned out if you did handle any aspect of the situation differently. You are here, you survived and you will get through what you are going thru now. You have made a wonderful life with your husband and children. You are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. It might not feel like it today , but it will one day in the future. Take it one day at a time. You are loved here and we will also do whatever we can to help you. Please let us know what that is.

 

[TooPatient]

I am so sorry for the things so many here have been through. It is NEVER the fault of the victim. Ever.

Our system is so terribly broken, I can see why some choose not to report. With such miniscule punishments for those who are prosecuted, all the more so.

The fact that rapists can have any visitation with children is beyond disgusting.

I don't know the answer. I think it will take lots of work and lots of education and lots of time. But it is work that we all must do.


HouseCat -- I am so sorry you are seeing him again. Difficult as it may be on your son, moving may be best. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable. Sending you hugs and support for whatever you decide is right for you.

ETA:
HouseCat -- it sounds like your son is really interested in this thing. Maybe research and move to a place with the best program for that so it is easy for him to participate and puts him in the best position to head into college.

 

[sstephensid]

It also seems very antiquated, to silence victims. Why, do you think it is shameful? Do you think discussions about what people have endured will cause more assaults? Does it make you uncomfortable? Would you say the same to someone else who has endured a tragic or traumatic event, such as a death of a child? Or is this special cloak of silence only meant for sexual assault victims?

The only victim I see being silenced, berated or argued with is me at this point, by you. Who said anything about something being shameful? The others here know full well my story and I have no idea what you are talking about. To point out that others do not deal with trauma in the same way is not silencing anyone. I am trying very hard with you but you insist on confrontation any time someone has a different opinion that you do not agree with.

I can see we live on two different planets. Why is it you can disagree, others can disagree, but when I do it I am berating you? I truly don't understand why this is the second time you have said something like this - the first time that I attacked you. You have disagreed with me just as much as I with you. Two way street.

Btw, you weren't even the original poster of the quote I disagreed with. I guess the point is Shondra didn't say different strokes for different folks. She said victims don't get better if they come together to talk about. To forget/not talk is the way to heal. Which is fine for her, but isn't recommended for some and probably, most people. If you wish to spread that advice, it is your legal right.

 

[redwood66]

It also seems very antiquated, to silence victims. Why, do you think it is shameful? Do you think discussions about what people have endured will cause more assaults? Does it make you uncomfortable? Would you say the same to someone else who has endured a tragic or traumatic event, such as a death of a child? Or is this special cloak of silence only meant for sexual assault victims?

The only victim I see being silenced, berated or argued with is me at this point, by you. Who said anything about something being shameful? The others here know full well my story and I have no idea what you are talking about. To point out that others do not deal with trauma in the same way is not silencing anyone. I am trying very hard with you but you insist on confrontation any time someone has a different opinion that you do not agree with.

I can see we live on two different planets. Why is it you can disagree, others can disagree, but when I do it I am berating you? I truly don't understand why this is the second time you have said something like this - the first time that I attacked you. You have disagreed with me just as much as I with you. Two way street.

Btw, you weren't even the original poster of the quote I disagreed with. I guess the point is Shondra didn't say different strokes for different folks. She said victims don't get better if they come together to talk about. To forget/not talk is the way to heal. Which is fine for her, but isn't recommended for some and probably, most people. If you wish to spread that advice, it is your legal right.

At this point I just have to say to you - Have a wonderful day....

 

[momhappy]

I think different people heal and/or process emotions/trauma in different ways. For some, getting professional help (therapy, support groups, etc.) is helpful. For others, processing emotions/trauma other terms and on their own is more helpful (and I say this from experience). I don't necessarily think that one needs to process trauma by seeking professional help, which is not to say that professional help is bad because it is helpful (and sometimes necessary) for some to move on. I don't necessarily think that just because someone chooses not to share a traumatic event, that bad things will manifest later in life. We are all so very different and how we experience things, how we heal from them/process them, and how we move on with life are unique to each individual.

 

[ericad]

ETA - nevermind